Does tough love have its limits? One mom backed online for calling her daughter a loser could have handled a family dispute better, according to an expert who spoke to Newsweek.
A post to Reddit's "Am I The A******?" forum has brought this question into the limelight. In it, the original poster (OP) u/Classic-Bandicoot672 shared a story about her 24-year-old daughter, Kelly, who had expressed jealousy over her younger sister, Sara.
The OP's reaction to this jealousy was central to the post's debate. Since it was posted, it has received 20,000 upvotes and over 1,000 comments.
The OP wrote that Kelly had been popular and sociable in high school, while her younger sister Sara had more academic interests and fewer friends. After high school, Kelly dropped out of college while Sara went on to finish her degree—a sore spot between the sisters.
"Kelly has a jealousy issue, and I have talked with her before about it," the OP wrote. She is never happy when Sara has an accomplishment."
After Sara revealed she had booked a cruise vacation, Kelly became upset—she had always wanted to go on a cruise but was unable to afford it. This caused the OP to respond sharply.
"In the car, [Kelly] blew up, saying that Sara was a loser in high school, so it isn't fair that she has all this now. She went on for a bit when I had enough," the OP wrote. "I told her that life isn't like high school, and it if was, she was the loser now. This started an argument."
People in the comments overwhelmingly backed the OP.
"While it's never good to call your child a loser, you were using the word she used for her sister and in a conditional manner, so I'll give that a pass," one person wrote.
"She's acting like a loser who peaked in high school, and equates everything back to high school," another person wrote. "You clearly put things into perspective in a way that she can understand, and she did not like it."
An expert weighs in
L'Taundra Everhart, wellness expert, educator and founder of online wellness portal, Mixed Greens for the Soul, told Newsweek about why she disagrees with this sentiment in the comments.
"While the mom's underlying observation might be correct—that her formerly popular daughter is struggling more in adult life compared to her sister—the way she communicated this was far too harsh," she said. "Here's the thing: Calling her daughter a 'loser' isn't just harsh, it's counterproductive. It lacks the emotional intelligence and mindfulness that are crucial for healthy relationships and personal growth.
Everhart said that the consistent goal of parents should be to guide children with compassion, not judgment.
So, what could've gone differently?
Everhart said that the situation presented a "golden opportunity" for both mother and daughter to engage in self-awareness.
"For the daughter, it's a chance to reflect on her strengths and areas for growth. What made her successful in high school? How can she adapt those skills to her adult life?" Everhart said. "For the mother, it's an opportunity to examine her own beliefs about success and how she's communicating these to her children."
She offered words of advice to mothers who might be quick to take a sharp approach in response to their children: "Remember that our words have power. Instead of tearing down, let's focus on building up. Encourage self-reflection, foster emotional intelligence, and model the kind of mindful, compassionate behavior we want to see in our children."
To put this into practice, Everhart said the mother and daughter—or any family relationship working through interpersonal issues—could benefit from writing down or sharing five strengths or positive qualities each person sees in the other.
"This exercise serves multiple purposes," she said. "It shifts the focus from external measures of success to internal qualities...And it opens up a conversation about different forms of success and how various strengths can contribute to a well-rounded, fulfilling life.
"This isn't about winning or losing at life," she said. "It's about continually learning, adapting and becoming the best versions of ourselves."
Newsweek reached out to u/Classic-Bandicoot672 for comment via Reddit.
Uncommon Knowledge
Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.
Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.
