An old friend messaged me last week asking for my thoughts on building community. She sent me a podcast called "Ten Percent Happier with Dan Harris," saying it made her think of me.
This particular friend is an interesting story in and of herself. We met when she was a little girl in a village in the Carpathian Mountains where I taught English in Slovakia back in 1993. In many ways, her parents took me in. They showed me the way to the school and grocery store. They showed me the local sights. They taught me how to cook their food. They invited me to their parents' homes in smaller villages for holidays.
In short, they took me into their community.
During the time I was in Slovakia, once a week, their eight-year-old daughter would come to my flat for English lessons. Before she graduated high school, she wrote to me asking for ideas on where she could go to college in America. I suggested several spots, and she ended up going to one of them — Sewanee: The University of the South.
She excelled there. She went on to study at the East-West Center in Hawaii, followed by Stanford, followed by Harvard, where she graduated with a law degree. She ended up marrying one of her classmates at Harvard. I went to Slovakia for their wedding, which was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.
And now, this brilliant young woman is a mother living on the West Coast, asking for my thoughts on community. Life keeps on whirling, doesn't it?
The truth is that my thoughts on community look a lot like the way her parents took me in back in 1993.
I listened to most of the podcast she sent, which was largely about rethinking the American definition of success — because it is far too tied up in independence. Additionally, the ideal of success in America doesn't value the character skills of communication, collaboration and compassion as much as it should.
Author Mia Birdsong, a guest on the podcast, said that the real keys to happiness are relationships and community — and a growing body of research shows that these are critical to health and happiness.
What is success if not health and happiness?
I've yet to read Birdsong's book, "How We Show Up: Reclaiming Family, Friendship and Community." But I appreciated listening to the author discuss her ideas on community — occasionally using thoughtful, even fancy ways to describe elements I've watched my own family live out.
She talked about the value of asking for help and the concept of "mutuality versus reciprocity." Two things I better understand since 2022, when I broke my leg weeks before my family moved from the house where we had lived nearly 20 years. I had to ask friends for help. I had to accept it. And boy, did they show up.
I doubt I'll ever be able to reciprocate by helping each of them pack up their homes, but I will do my best to offer the help they need when they need it. Reflecting on that give-and-take reminded me of what Birdsong refers to as "the alchemy of community," the recognition that our own well-being is dependent on the well-being of the community.
The podcast host, Dan Harris, said there are "no brainers" toward a happier life — better sleep, a healthy diet, be in nature, exercise, psychotherapy, medication when necessary and better relationships. He called better relationships "the No. 1 lever to pull if you want a happy life."
I tried to come up with other specific ideas my old friend might consider regarding the building blocks of better relationships and community. In a nutshell, here are five things that I believe help create genuine community:
- Show up. Whenever possible, go to friends' parents' funerals and the other moments of life that matter.
- Tend to others. Help take care of people who are sick. Cook them food. Visit when possible.
- Invite folks in. I've written before about the many good things that can come from hosting dinner parties and other small events at your home. Doing so changes the pace of life and is a good thing.
- Reach out. Stay in touch. A simple text saying, "Checking in and sending my best. How are you?" can lead to a friend sharing amazing tidbits and rekindle old relationships.
- Give grace. Life is full and can be so difficult. I've found it's so much better when my go-to response to a negative interaction is grace. I'm not saying it's my automatic response, but it does come easier the more I practice it.
Birdsong also mentioned something she and her friends called "Kid Fun," which they did every other Saturday with two other families for several years when their kids were young. For four hours, all the kids would go to one family's house and the two other couples would be able to have time on their own.
The benefits of the arrangement went beyond parents having a much-needed respite from the relentlessness of young children. In addition, the children learned to navigate the rules and lifestyles of different households. They built stronger relationships among themselves and adults who weren't their parents.
The gift of other people loving one's children can never be underrated. Considering the way this column started, I am grateful for the many adults who loved me when I wasn't quite an adult yet and then for the many kiddos I've had the privilege of loving along the way.