"Why Am I Putting Myself Through This?" Meet the Women Declining Hen Do Invites

When you think of a hen do, for most people your mind instantly goes to male strippers, shots and dancing on table tops. But most women who've been on a hen will also know the months of potential pain beforehand — the money-grabs, the friendship fallouts and the never-ending WhatsApp groups. And while many of us have long discussed the struggles when it comes to hen parties, it seems a new trend is emerging — skipping them entirely.

According to new research by travel deals platform HolidayPirates, the pre-wedding celebrations are putting more of a strain on friendships than ever, with half of women (52 per cent) having declined a hen do invite entirely, because it's too expensive. The poll of 607 hen and stag party attendees from the UK also found that 70 percent of women said the expectation to spend a significant amount on celebrations creates financial strain for those attending. In a lot of cases, this has led to fractures in friendship groups, with 26 percent of women saying arguments have started over the expense of hen parties.

Emily, 29, from Norwich has stood firm in her decision to decline traditional hen dos for four years now, after finally voicing how she really felt about them in her mid 20s. "I don't really give an excuse anymore. I just say: 'I'm sorry but I don't do hen dos. I hope you have a lovely time and I'll see you at the wedding.' I feel so much relief from doing that," she admits to PS UK. As someone who isn't a big drinker and is an introverted, nervous and shy person, Emily declines hen do invites because she simply doesn't enjoy the over-the-top celebrations. She says: "I thought to myself 'Why am I putting myself through this?' because I have such a miserable time."

It's not just about the money, Emily explains that during the festivities, she always felt like she had to put on an act. "There's something about being with a group of essentially strangers — as normally they're your friend's friends — that you're forced to hang out with in a very false way over a period of time. I felt the pressure to perform and be fun when I'm actually not comfortable."

However, Emily is open to alternative versions of hen dos. Hen parties in 2024 are getting a major makeover, and the days when alcohol was the lifeblood of the party are now shifting. Over one in four (28 percent) women are considering totally sober hen parties, and over a third (38 percent) would prefer an outdoorsy and chilled hen over traditional boozy celebrations. A change has already been noted by many: a third of the women in the poll have noticed fewer people wanting to drink heavily at hen parties.

"I'm not a big nightclub or party person," Emily admits. "At hen dos it's always like, 'Oh, we're gonna go make cocktails,' which always leads to groups of women shrieking and I'm just not about that — I can't bear it." She's also here for the rise of the 'sten' — a stag and hen, where the bride and groom join their celebrations and group together. "I'm more of a tomboy so I'd much rather go paint balling or go-karting like they do at stag dos," Emily says.

But how have her friends reacted to her anti hen do rule? "My friends have been fine about it, whether they are secretly annoyed I don't know," she says."But I'm quite fortunate that most of my friends are quite low drama. So, no one's ever kicked off at me and if they're upset about it, they've hidden it well."

However, according to Emily the real downside of missing out on the hen do celebrations is when you get to the day of the wedding and everyone's already friendly and close — but she has no regrets. "It would just be a waste of time and money for me. If people still love the traditional hen dos and enjoy it, I'm not going to stand in their way. I just don't want to participate," she says candidly.

On the other hand, 32-year-old Pooja, who lives in London but is originally from New York, has had a slightly different experience. Throughout her 20s and early 30s, she attended around 12 hen dos. Although she loves them, she finds that the drama a hen do can bring sometimes overshadows the day itself. Pooja says: "I love hen dos when I'm in the moment, because you're with a group of people celebrating the person you all love. But at the same time, I think that the drama and everything that can transpire beforehand during the planning process of it is exhausting."

As someone who suffers with anxiety, Pooja explains that when drama arises within the hen do group, it can be difficult to navigate. She explains: "When I have 10 women on a group chat complaining or bickering over something so small, like where we should go for dinner on the final night,for me, that's heavy stress." The financial pressures and the difficult conversations around everyone's individual budget has been another hurdle for Pooja. She tells PS UK: "People will be debating like, 'Oh, should we spend £100 on a boat ride per person?' I think that money is a topic that is sometimes really awkward for people to talk about."

She explains that overtime she has started to be more vocal about not spending beyond her means at hen do's. "I know for me, there's a fine line between trying to be super accommodating, going with the flow and on the other hand being like, 'Wait £200 for dinner sounds like a lot of money.'" However, the pressure of wanting to keep up financially with the rest of the hen do group also weighed heavily on Pooja. "You don't want to be that one person that is resistant to plans if everyone's excited and going along with it. I think the financial element can definitely be a stressor," she says.

Pooja is of South Asian descent, and within her culture there are also a number of multi-day celebrations leading up to the wedding. When it came to her own wedding, she had that in mind and knew that she might have to scale back the hen do celebrations to accommodate this. She explains to PS UK: "From a cultural perspective, especially when it comes to my South Asian friends, I've had to become okay with knowing I'm not going to make it to everything, I had to be realistic and so did they."

She also found that as she edged closer to her 30s, the hen do celebrations amongst her friends have become more lavish: "We have a little bit more money than when we were in our mid-20s so the destinations for the hen dos are getting a lot more extravagant." And the statistics definitely reflect this. HolidayPirates poll found that women in the UK are spending an average of £521 on a hen do abroad and over one in three women reportedly want a return to the one-night-only hen do, rather than a trip away. Pooja says: "I've had friends saying, 'I want to go to Thailand or Dubai.' I feel like the expectations have grown a lot because people's finances are in a different position than wherewhen they were in the last decade."

However, a change in salary doesn't take away from life's very real financial pressures. In 2019, Pooja was invited to nine weddings and hen dos and had to turn down two of them. They were both exotic trips with close friends she had grown up with. "It was difficult to say 'no' but I think the expectation from them is like, 'Well, if you can afford to go on a trip to a nice destination by yourself or with your family or partner, then why can't you do it for me?'" But ultimately for Pooja, it comes down to what she can prioritise. She explains: "You have to think about the other priorities in your life, like the cost of living crisis, for example; it's really expensive to pay rent, go food shopping or do basic things. You might love your friend or family member but I think you also have to be realistic about what works for you."

Ultimately, whether you're more firm with your anti-hen stance like Emily, or slightly more open like Pooja, it's clear that women are becoming more firm on what they're willing to not only spend but experience during hen dos. Though it seems that, despite everyone's different stances, the conflicting feeling of not wanting to upset your friend but also do what's best for you, is something that will always remain.

Aaliyah Harry (she/her) is the associate editor at PS UK. She writes extensively across lifestyle, culture and beauty. Aaliyah also has a deep passion for telling stories and giving voice to the voiceless. Previously, she has contributed to Refinery29, Grazia UK and The Voice Newspaper.