10 Common Traits of Being Raised by Narcissistic Parents

Brielle grew up in a household where love was conditional and validation was scarce. Her parents, consumed by their own needs and desires, were quick to criticize and slow to offer praise. From a young age, Brielle learned that her worth was tied to her ability to please others, constantly striving for perfection in hopes of earning their approval. However, no matter how hard she tried, it was never enough. Her parents' relentless demands left her feeling inadequate and unworthy, fostering a deep-seated sense of self-doubt and insecurity that followed her into adulthood.

As Brielle entered her teenage years, the emotional abuse intensified. Her parents' manipulation and gaslighting tactics made her question her own reality, leaving her feeling confused and invalidated. Despite her efforts to assert her boundaries and advocate for herself, she was met with dismissal and disdain, further eroding her sense of self-worth. As a result, Brielle found herself trapped in a cycle of toxic relationships, seeking validation and love in all the wrong places.

Now, as an adult, Brielle struggles to break free from the grip of her narcissistic upbringing. She grapples with feelings of guilt and self-doubt, constantly second-guessing her decisions and choices. In her quest for love and acceptance, she finds herself repeating the same patterns of seeking validation from others, only to be met with disappointment and heartache.

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As a therapist who specializes in working with survivors of traumatic families, as well as a survivor myself, I find that many of my clients were raised by one or more caregivers with narcissistic tendencies. These personality traits influenced their development, often leading to specific personality traits that likely developed as a result of their experiences.

For those raised by narcissistic parents, the healing journey is often fraught with emotional turmoil, self-doubt, and psychological scars that can last a lifetime. Recognizing the signs of narcissistic parenting is crucial in understanding the lasting impact it can have on individuals' lives in order to begin the process of moving forward in healing and understanding.

While not an exhaustive list, here are 10 of the most common I notice in survivors:

1. Poor self-worth: Growing up with narcissistic parents often results in a lack of self-esteem and confidence, as children may internalize the constant criticism and invalidation they receive, leading to feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy (Min et al., 2007). Despite their best efforts, children of narcissistic parents often feel like they can never measure up to their parent's unrealistic expectations, leading to a persistent sense of failure and inadequacy, regardless of their accomplishments.

2. Struggles to advocate for self: Children raised by narcissistic parents may struggle to assert their needs and boundaries, as they were often taught to prioritize their parent's needs and suppress their own desires. I often see this resulting in difficulty advocating for themselves in relationships and situations.

3. Self-critical: The constant scrutiny and high standards imposed by narcissistic parents can lead to internalized self-criticism, where individuals harshly judge themselves, perpetuating a cycle of negative self-talk and perfectionism. Due to the pervasive criticism and blame-shifting, children may develop a constant sense of self-doubt, always second-guessing their actions and feeling responsible for any perceived wrongdoing.

4. Like you don't deserve love: Growing up with caregivers who rarely show genuine praise or appreciation can result in individuals feeling undeserving of recognition or positive feedback, making it difficult to accept compliments and acknowledge their achievements. Furthermore, this can make survivors weary of those who show love or affection, secretly believing the person's intentions to be false or manipulative. I notice this trait causes survivors to put up with bad or even abusive behavior from partners because they don't believe that they deserve better.

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5. People-pleasing: Children of narcissistic parents often learn to prioritize pleasing others to gain validation and approval, leading to a pattern of people-pleasing behavior and difficulty setting boundaries in relationships. Like many of these personality traits, I find that this trait was developed to help survivors cope with their experiences. If they can learn how to please or placate those in power, this can help them navigate a volatile and unpredictable environment more safely. It becomes a survival strategy, allowing them to anticipate and mitigate potential conflicts or emotional outbursts from their narcissistic parent, thereby reducing the risk of emotional or even physical harm. This adaptive behavior may persist into adulthood, shaping their approach to all relationships as they seek to maintain harmony and avoid confrontation at all costs.

6. Frequent feelings of guilt and shame: Manipulative tactics such as guilt-tripping and emotional blackmail from narcissistic parents can instill a pervasive sense of guilt in their children, causing them to feel responsible for their parent's emotions and actions (Marici et al., 2023). This can continue in adulthood, leading to feelings of guilt or shame that remain prominent, affecting survivors' self-worth as a partner, parents, employees, and other areas of their lives.

7. More likely to have unhealthy romantic relationships: Growing up in a dysfunctional family dynamic characterized by manipulation and emotional abuse can predispose individuals to seek out similar dynamics in their romantic relationships, perpetuating a cycle of toxicity and codependency. Many of my clients have patterns of unhealthy relationships where they repeat unhealthy patterns learned in childhood.

8. Constant fears of abandonment: Narcissistic parents often use threats of abandonment or withdrawal of love to control their children, leading to a deep-seated fear of rejection and abandonment in adulthood, impacting their ability to trust and form secure attachments. Fears of abandonment run deep in many survivors and affect everything from our relationships to our ability to maintain friendships.

9. Likely to self-medicate with food or substances: Coping with the emotional pain and trauma inflicted by narcissistic parents may lead individuals to engage in maladaptive coping mechanisms such as emotional eating or substance abuse as a way to numb their feelings and escape reality (Khoury et al., 2010). While self-medicating is by no means exclusive to family trauma, I find it is pervasive among this survivor community.

10. Early sexual behavior: The lack of boundaries and emotional neglect in narcissistic families may lead children to seek validation and intimacy through premature or risky sexual behavior, as they may equate love and attention with physical affection. Research shows a link between early sexual behavior and survivors of traumatic or abusive families (Thompson et al., 2016).

If you notice yourself in some or all of the above, recognize that self-awareness of our experiences is the first step in healing and breaking the cycle of family trauma. With awareness, you can begin the process of moving forward.