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Key points
- Talking about your body, or anyone else's body, isn't appropriate for work.
- When you engage in "fat talk" you're participating in microaggressive behavior.
- If you judge your body harshly, you send the message that you likely judge others.
As a frequent speaker at conferences and retreats, I am used to having a photographer in the room taking pictures.
And for many years, I was also used to making this quip when my photo was being snapped:
“I’m glad I put on my Spanx,” referring to the restrictive undergarment that aims to smooth out your body under your clothes.
Until one day after my keynote speech, a woman came up to me and asked if she could give me a piece of feedback. “Of course,” I said, considering that the topic I had just addressed was how to take feedback without defensiveness.
“You’ve commented about your body more than once. It makes you seem insecure, and it doesn’t belong in a professional presentation.”
That feedback hit me hard, especially because she was right on both fronts. First, I was indeed insecure about my weight, as someone who has cycled up and down her whole life. I recognize that I was using a technique I had developed from being bullied as a child about my weight – making fun of myself before someone else could. And second, talking about my body – or anyone else’s body – was not appropriate for work.
Feeling bad about our appearance isn’t an anomaly. Research shows that 34% of adults said they felt anxious and 35% said they felt depressed because of their body image. One in eight experienced suicidal thoughts or feelings because of concerns about their body image.
While both men and women had these challenges, women experienced these emotions more frequently. In fact, 17% of women said they would not go to a job interview, and 8% would avoid going to work, if they felt badly about their appearance.
Furthermore, while thinking about our bodies negatively can contribute to anxiety and self-consciousness, talking about our bodies and weight in casual conversation in a way that reinforces traditional body ideals (colloquially known as “fat talk”) can make things worse. The more I “joked” about needing to wear something to hide my stomach, the more I was contributing to body dissatisfaction – my own, and others. And, as someone who is often in a position of influence, I recognize that if I am judging my body harshly, I am sending the message that I likely judge others. Moreover, I am sending the message that this sort of behavior is ok – which it isn’t.
Let’s also not forget about weight discrimination, which isn’t just stressful; it can be fatal. Weight discrimination is associated with a nearly 60% increased mortality risk that isn’t accounted for by other common physical and psychological risk factors. In fact, the association between weight discrimination and mortality was generally stronger than for other attributions for discrimination.
So how can we stop discriminating against ourselves at work when we’re living in a body that we wish were smaller, bigger, or just different?
Here are four ideas:
1. Separate the facts from the story you’re telling yourself. A fact is that my weight fluctuates. A fact is that I dress to draw attention away from my stomach. A fact is that weight bias will impact me at some point in my life and career. But the story I make up about these facts is worse than any of the facts themselves. I make up that my weight will undermine my credibility, or that people will be distracted by my body and won’t listen to my message.
I need to create a new story, which may sound like, “My body is relatable to many people, and I want people to find me relatable.” Or “I have never had someone at work make a comment to me about my weight, so that’s probably not going to happen now.” Or “Others are too preoccupied with their own looks to be thinking about mine.”
One more exercise to try is to challenge yourself to see how your story is serving you. For example, if I am in a bigger body than I want, and I believe that other people won’t consider me credible because I haven’t “fixed it”, that might lead me to play it safe and not take risks at work because I’ve already decided I’m not credible enough. And playing safe can feel much better than putting myself out there and risking rejection or loss.
2. Don’t contribute to the bias. Ever since that audience member brought my self-deprecating comments to my attention, I have stopped making comments or jokes about my appearance at work. While naming it might seem like a way to reduce tension in the room (or, like me, preventing others from saying something to you), it can backfire if you’re seen as rejecting yourself first. In addition, using humor can be a risky proposition. Research shows that “unsuccessful attempts at humor can lead to a loss of status.” Leaders who make jokes that don’t land – or who put people off – are regarded as less competent and confident than serious, humorless leaders who don’t attempt to make jokes at all.
In addition to not contributing to bias, become an ally and advocate for others. In other words, don’t tolerate other people commenting about anyone’s appearance at work. Those remarks are microaggressions and signal disrespect and inequality.
Learn how to speak up when you hear a microaggression like this. “It’s not cool to make comments about people’s appearances," is sufficient. (Just like that woman who gave me that feedback after my keynote speech.)
3. Find examples of people who look like you who you respect and admire. Representation matters. And admittedly, this is getting harder as more people in the public eye take medication to aid with weight loss (Oprah Winfrey, Melissa McCarthy, Kelly Clarkson, etc.). Nevertheless, looking past celebrities to role models in your own circles can be helpful to remind yourself that size doesn’t matter as much as you think it might. When I meet someone credible, confident, and kind to themselves – whose body looks like mine, I feel more credible, confident and kind towards myself as well. Representation matters, and keep in mind that you are a representation for someone else, too.
In addition, I spent a few weeks earlier this year interviewing colleagues who feel credible and confident while also living in larger bodies. I learned new mindsets and strategies that I hadn’t considered before and was also reminded that I can choose to be part of the bias – or a part of combatting bias.
Finally, if you’re making a presentation using images of people, make sure to be inclusive in those photos to show a wide range of appearances.
4. Seek mental health support. Research shows that people who are uncomfortable with their weight are likely to experience emotional distress and social isolation. You don’t have to live feeling unconfident, or less than, or intimidated. (And by “you” I mean “me” as well). Whether it’s an EAP, your own mental health professional, or a support group, you can find help so that you don’t feel alone with your struggles. I have been working with a therapist for the past two years who specializes in this area – and I only wish I had started sooner.
You may wish your body looked different than it does. But you can make sure that you don’t let feeling insecure about your size undermine your own confidence, competence, and credibility.
