Is Narcissism at the Border of Sanity and Insanity?

This is part one of a series on narcissism.

The full maturity of man is achieved by his complete emergence from narcissism” (Fromm, 1964; p. 86).

One of Freud's greatest insights is that humans have a narcissistic core and that this core is on full display in infancy. The developmental challenge, then, is to grow out of this self-centered orientation and see objective reality with minimal distortion.

Infants have a charmingly distorted view of reality (Piaget, 1970). Until they are about two years old, their task is to differentiate themselves from others and the outer world. Here, they learn that their mother’s breast is not a part of themselves, and objects (and parents) exist even when they aren’t seen.

From 2 to 7, children learn how the outer world works (Piaget, 1970). Early on, they are the fastest and smartest. They are ridiculously overconfident, and yet they think you’ve changed their sandwich simply by cutting it in half. But also in this stage, they learn that others have perspectives, histories, skills, thoughts, wishes, and feelings that are different from their own. Empathy emerges.

As every parent knows, love in early childhood is about receiving. Children are guided by need fulfillment, emotional and physical safety, and adoration. They can be petulant and demanding, and this is normal. Early friendships look similar: Friends are those who share their toys, play what they want to play, and make them feel good. Consequently, these friendships are firmly transactional (based on reciprocity, quid pro quo) and can implode at any moment.

Children are entitled little narcissists from a psychoanalytic perspective: They have a distorted view of reality that puts them at the center of their world, and all things circle back to them. From this view, an adult with narcissism is stuck in these early stages of development, derailed by, for example, abuse or overindulgence. When narcissism is extreme, psychosis can result because it is a complete break from objective reality in the outer world.

This view from Erich Fromm, an early psychoanalyst and scholar of human love, completely changed my view of narcissism. Yes, I knew the symptoms, but I didn’t have a grasp on the whys.

Fromm explains (summarized/paraphrased): With narcissism, like in childhood, internal sensations are projected onto the outside world. To the child, the fact about the outer world is that you are mean because they are disappointed. Their feelings (disappointments) have become facts (you are mean). With psychosis—extreme narcissism—anxiety becomes paranoia. People are out to get them. The outer world is a mirror of their sensations, and the image is distorted.

Source: Icon Ade/ Vecteezy /free-photos

What about the narcissist in your life?

Look at the love bomb from this perspective. You have been identified as the perfect mate for them: You have never looked better. The sex is amazing. The constant flattery feels so good! Your manner of dress is perfect, your anatomy (even very specific parts) is perfect, and your dogs or kids may even be perfect. They want to “show you off”.[1] They talk about your future together and how wonderful it will be.

And this all feels real to you because it looks like it feels real to them. Is it a strategic “lie”?

Many clinicians present it as an intentional manipulation. And surely it often is. But is it always? For example, can it be an intentional “lie” if there is little grasp of objective reality? Is a child lying when they tell you Santa visited them at school? Don’t you have to know what reality is to strategically misrepresent it?

Let’s look at the love bomb through these new lenses:

If a narcissist develops a crush on you—and if feelings become facts—then it appears that these feelings have been projected into a reality in their minds. You make them feel really good about themselves (lovable, attractive, appreciated), so the fact must be that you are all they hoped for. They have "never met anyone like you," so it makes sense that they need to seal the deal! Off you go on a magical romance with intense chemistry…

Narcissism Essential Reads

Why People May Seek to Marry a Narcissist

Does Your Narcissistic Partner View You as a Trophy?

However, with a narcissist, the other shoe will drop. When you make them feel bad by, for example, giving them feedback on their other narcissistic behavior (vanity, craving attention from other men/women, inflated self-image), you will become the worst person in the world. The loving mask will drop, and you will see rage, fear, or some combination of the two. There is no reasoning with someone when they are in this state. They can also be dangerous.

From a psychoanalytic perspective, then, the love bomb and the narcissistic rage are manifestations of the same distortion of the outer world, where feelings have been projected into facts. That is, they do not have a firm grasp of objective reality. And this is what the old-school psychoanalysts called insanity.

People with narcissistic personality disorder are notorious for moving out of the love bomb phase into one of ambivalence and deception. This is extremely disorienting for their targets. [2]

Common behaviors include gaslighting, blame-shifting, silent treatments, and even accusing you of what they themselves have done (projection). Targets even start to feel like they are losing their grasp on reality.

All of this can be followed by a quick replacement (a new “narcissistic supply”), leaving the target feeling completely confused and abandoned. The charisma and charm of the narcissist can be alluring to potential romantic partners such that it can be a successful strategy for reproduction (see Sperm Donation, Narcissism, and the Evolutionary Bonanza).

From this psychoanalytic perspective, if reality is distorted by the narcissist such that they are in a childlike state, then these behaviors make sense. It feels like they are under attack, so you must be attacking them. They need to ghost you to protect themselves from you because you are the abuser. They may completely savage you from their self-centered perspective, and then leave the interaction in fear and accuse you of threatening them. An internal state has become an external fact, and you are now the target of projection. Congratulations.

All of these feelings and distorted realities in the narcissist are readily treated only by finding someone else to adore and appreciate them in a way “you never did.” (In fact, they may have already started while with you.) In their mind, they are now the victim of your selfish behavior; you have betrayed all the love they felt for you, and now others must be told how awful you are (“narcissistic smear campaign”).

You might not have known it, but your relationship was transactional. What was important to them was what they got from you: need fulfillment, physical contact, and adoration. It was about receiving. You were their "narcissistic supply".

For those of us who have been involved with a narcissist, an aching question arises: was I loved? And if I was, how can I get it back?

In my next essay, I will explain mature love as it was explained to me by Erich Fromm and why narcissists are not capable of it.

Part 2: What is Mature Love? Do You Have What it Takes? Narcissists lack these 4 attitudes that underlie mature love

///

[1] This language is a red flag. It signals that you have been objectified.

[2] Dr. Ramani Durvasula describes this pattern to be so reliable and disconcerting for the target who feels crazy themselves, that she holds it to be a major public health issue.