The Funniest Things Charlie Kelly Ever Said
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112 VOTESTalk About Stress
Charlie: You wanna talk about stress? You wanna talk about stress?! Okay! I've stumbled onto a major company conspiracy, Mac--how 'bout that for stress?
Mac: What the hell are you talking about?
Charlie: This company is being bled like a stuck pig, Mac, and I've got a paper trail to prove it. Check this out. Take a look at this.
Mac: Jesus Christ, Charlie!
Charlie: That right there is the mail. Now let's talk about the mail. Can we talk about the mail, please, Mac? I've been dying to talk about the mail with you all day, OK? "Pepe Silvia," this name keeps coming up over and over again. Every day Pepe's mail is getting sent back to me. Pepe Silvia! Pepe Silvia! I look in the mail, and this whole box is Pepe Silvia! So I say to myself, "I gotta find this guy! I gotta go up to his office and put his mail in the guy's goddamn hands! Otherwise, he's never going to get it and he's going to keep coming back down here." So I go up to Pepe's office and what do I find out, Mac? What do I find out?! There is no Pepe Silvia. The man does not exist, okay? So I decide, "Oh sh*t, buddy, I gotta dig a little deeper." There's no Pepe : Because we've already been fired.
Mac: We've lost our jobs!
Charlie: Yeah. About 3 days ago a couple pink slips came in the mail. One for you and one for me. So what did I do? I mailed them halfway to Siberia.
Mac: If we've lost our jobs, then that means we've lost our health insurance. That means all of this was for nothing! Goddammit, dude, I am having a panic attack. I am actually having a panic attack.
Charlie: Well, will you settle down and have another cup of coffee?
Mac: I am, bro.
Charlie: All right, well, fine. You know what, Barney? Give this guy a cigarette, he's freakin' out. (turns to a man in black trench coat and hat standing next to him)
Mac: Huh? Who?
Charlie: Barney. He's the one who tipped me off to Pepe Silvia.
Mac: Barney? Who the hell is Barney?
Charlie: You don't see the...(Looks around and Barney's disappeared) Holy sh*t! Where the hell did he go? (Yello's "Oh Yeah" starts playing) Day Bow Bow.
Mac: You've lost your mind! You've lost your goddamned mind, Charlie.- Photo:
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210 VOTESBoy Soul
Frank: You gotta pay the troll toll to get into this boy's hole. You gotta pay the troll toll to get in. You want this baby boy's hole, you gotta pay the troll toll.
Charlie: Stop, stop, stop. All right not bad, good rhythm, love the enthusiasm. I feel like you're saying 'boy's hole', and it's clearly 'soul.'- Photo:
37 VOTESHard J
Dennis: This Jew's in for a ton of work.
Mac: Come on, man! You can't say things like that!
Dennis: I don't know what I said. What'd I say?
Charlie: Uh, you dropped a hard 'J' on us.- Photo:
415 VOTESPirates Live In There
Charlie: Ohh sh*t! Look at that door, dude. See that door there? The one marked "Pirate"? You think a pirate lives in there?
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56 VOTESI'm Going To Explode
Charlie: Of course there's gonna be an explosion. You think I'm not gonna explode?
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618 VOTESMagnets
Dennis: Okay, alright what’s your favorite hobby?
Charlie: Uhh…magnets.- Photo:
712 VOTESJobs Grow On Jobbies
Charlie: Just get a job? Why don’t I strap on my job helmet, and squeeze down into a job cannon, and fire off into Jobland, where jobs gron on Jobbies?!!!
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812 VOTESFull On Rapist
Charlie: I'm a full-on-rapist.
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915 VOTESEat Snickers
Charlie: I eat stickers all the time, dude!
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1010 VOTESI Could Be
Charlie: You know what, dude, hear me out for a second okay. Now technically, that stain did appear to me. Also I am familiar with carpentry and I don't know who my father is. So, am I the messiah? I don't know, I could be, I'm not ruling it out.
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119 VOTESKeep Singing
Charlie: Keep singing, b*tch! You're not gonna have a face by the time I'm through with you!
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128 VOTESTiny Little Pieces
Charlie: I am going to smack everyone into tiny...little...pieces!
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138 VOTESHere's A Confession
Charlie: Here's a confession: I'm in love with a man. What? I'm in love with a man... a man named God. Does that make me gay? Am I gay for God? You betcha.
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147 VOTESSomething Delicious
Charlie: Do wasps make honey?
Dennis: No wasps do not make honey.
Charlie: Alright well I'm gonna check it out anyway, there could be something delicious in here that wasps do make and I want that.- Photo:
156 VOTESShove Anything
Mac: Do you want to shove heroin into your *ss?
Charlie: Dude, I don't want to shove anything in my *ss!- Photo:
1611 VOTESUnbang Your Mom
Charlie: No no no, that's not gonna help. That's not gonna help and I'll tell you why: It doesn't unbang your Mom.
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178 VOTESStandard Of Excellence
Principal: I'm a little confused, are you telling me this photo of Bruce Jenner is your resume?
Charlie: Well, when I showed up this morning I didn't have a formal resume on me so I was sort of hoping the photograph of Mr. Jenner could represent the standard of excellence I'm hoping to bring to this position.- Photo:
185 VOTESYou Can Easily Die
Charlie: If animals have taught me anything, it's that you can easily die and very quickly under a bus and on the side of the road.
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195 VOTESDrink All Of It's Milk
Charlie: Dude, it's amazing. Look at this. Bro, you could chop a camel right in the hump and drink all of its milk right off the tip of this thing.
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209 VOTESJust Here To Eat Some Dude
Charlie: Cannibalism? Racism? Dude, that's not for us...those decisions are better left to the suits in Washington. We're just here to eat some dude!
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214 VOTESEndangered Tang
Frank: Anyone want any more catfish?
Charlie: Yo dude. Definitely give me another one of those. They're delicious. And you can taste that sort of endangered tang...- Photo:
222 VOTESHuffing
Charlie: Glue is for huffing, dude!
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233 VOTESEggs Of Wisdom
I'm cracking eggs of wisdom!
