22 G.I. Joe Action Figures You Wouldn't Want in Your Platoon
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This poor guy, born Greg Scott, is just a scientist and engineer when Cobra blows up his lab and most of his body. Luckily Scott worked for G.I. Joe instead of Papa Johns, so they stick that big ole' brain inside a gaudy neon orange robot suit and shoot him into outer space.Was this the worst?- Photo:
What isn't wrong with Banzai? Besides being a blonde white guy co-opting a Japanese battle cry, there's his andolier-thing made of several weapons that could turn a quick chest-punch into a mortal puncture wound. But fear not! He has also painted himself in magenta - the most ninja of all the colors!Was this the worst?- Photo:
G.I. Joe's Street Fighter line wasn't the toyl ine anyone wanted - it was the one everyone got. Reusing old body molds from previous Joes, this line was the unholy amalgamation of cross-branding and used body parts. The character with the worst treatment? Ken, seen here with more weapons than he can carry and a face that looks like he spent too much time under a sun lamp.Was this the worst?- Photo:
Why in the world is this guy named the Ice Cream Soldier? Why, the throw Cobra off in battle and have them lower their expectations when the flamethrower-wielding 'hero' shows up to "scorch those slimy snakes until they melt like hot fudge on a summer sidewalk." Whoa, that's pretty grisly.Was this the worst?- Photo:
Make no mistake, the colonel's primary function in the G.I. Joe organization is as a pencil pusher. In fact, his file card goes over this again and again, even listing his primary specialty as administrative strategist. It looks like the position also comes with the perk of picking out your own code name too.Was this the worst?- Photo:
The giant cord leading from this guy's head to his shoulder isn't the strangest thing about Dee-Jay. It's more the fact that this guy was a disk jockey in Boston before the Joes blasted him into space as part of Battle Force 2000. The reason? He's really, really good with speakers...Was this the worst?- Photo:
- YoJoe
Essentially Han Solo working for the Joes, Space Shot is representative of everything wrong with the G.I. Joes towards the end of the classic run of 3 3/4 inch figures. He is the umpteenth space-guy and completely ignores everything that made the line awesome in the early '80s. Get rid of that red, white, and blue logo and this guy looks like he fits in better with the CORPS line of figures.Was this the worst?- Photo:
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The eco-consciousness boom of the '90s resulted in a line of Eco-Warriors, the most underwhelming of which is Clean Sweep. This guy shows up AFTER Cobra has spilled toxic waste all over the place and then has his giant water-shooting tank-thing clean up after them. You know this guy hated it when the Joes had one of their all night keggers.Was this the worst?- Photo:
Putting that haircut off to one side for a minute, consider Psyche Out's primary battle tactic. This Joe uses sound waves and repetition to induce a sense of paranoia in combatants (*see victims). Is anybody sure this guy isn't working for Dr. Mindbender?Was this the worst?- Photo:
Granted, a lot of the plastic went into that VHS tape, but Rapid Fire might be one of the most underwhelming Joes of all time. The guy is decked out in more neon than a dive bar.Was this the worst?- Photo:
This figure came with the Bridge Layer vehicle (that does exactly what it sounds like) and is totally one of those Joe positions that says, "Well, someone has to do it." But Tollbooth totally leaned into it and made himself of as the most badass DOT employee ever.Was this the worst?- 12
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Everything about Mirage screams '90s-era G.I. Joe. Neon colored fatigues? Check. Ridiculously oversized rocket/missile/laser weapon? Check. Boring gimmick to sell more toys? Why, is that Play-Doh packed in there with a G.I. Joe? Check.Was this the worst? - 13
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Scoop is the kind of guy that, when you get a minute, you ask yourself, "What is he doing on the team again?" Looking like a cameraman for robot empire, Scoops's main job is recording the action (on VHS, probably) as it happens. That means the Joes have their own PR team. How many times do you think Sgt. Slaughter walked up and broke a couple of tapes just to keep dirty deeds off the record?Was this the worst? - Photo:
You know that guy that's defined by his time playing high school football? Yeah, they made a G.I. Joe out of him and called him Captain Grid Iron. Even beyond his insufferable insistence on talking like John Wayne, everything about this guy screams, "Hey, I was once a quarterback!" It goes all the way down to his grenades that look like little footballs.Was this the worst?- 15
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Salvo's shirt should be the first indication that something isn't right. Just looking at this guy, you know he's the kind of guy who gives painful high fives just because he can. Also, judging by all that hardware he is lugging out to the battlefield, it doesn't look like he plans on coming back.Was this the worst? - 16
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On a team with not one but TWO guys with a football-motif, looking like an angry outfielder just seems boring. Hardball, just because you didn't make it to the majors doesn't mean you have to take it out on Cobra with a grenade launcher.Was this the worst? - 17
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Besides being the most vanilla-looking G.I. Joe of all time, the only distinguishing detail this guy has is his receding hairline and tiny French mustache. Plus, is "Zap" really a good code name for a guy with a Bazooka? How about "Bazooka?" Oh... wait...Was this the worst? - 18
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Let's try not to dock points for those lime green fatigues (have you seen the other Joes?) but when your specialty is "lasers" on a team where EVERYONE SHOOTS LASERS, it's hard to stand out.Was this the worst? - Photo:
When you have two of the coolest ninjas in all of pop culture on your team, coming into Joe HQ looking like bad Bruce Lee cosplay just doesn't stack up.Was this the worst?- 20
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Hasbro couldn't have known that Airtight was going to become a sexual euphemism in the future, but it's also pretty unfortunate that this guy's specialty is cleaning up after everyone. That's not a rifle, it's called a sniffer.Was this the worst? - Photo:
This isn't to say that the man who operates the radio in combat isn't important. However, the code name and look of poor Dial-Tone ages like milk. Aside from the fact that a kid today would have no clue as to what a dial tone even is, but did he really need all that equipment to man a radio?Was this the worst?- Photo:
A Silicon Valley escapee, Mainframe's specialty is (you guessed it) computers. However, where most Joes came with too many weapons, Mainframe didn't come with any - just a CPU, hose, and phone. What the heck is this guy doing in the field?Was this the worst?
