Carver's Gate

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Audience Member A total mess of a low budget film, this Michael Pare vehicle is too long, and too dumb to be as much fun as it could have been. The ideas aren't well thought out. The effects aren't good. And there's just nothing particularly interesting going on. Rated 1.5/5 Stars •  Rated 1.5 out of 5 stars 02/26/23 Full Review Audience Member This movie is really bad. Not your average bad. Really bad. The kind of bad that makes you turn it off after 6 minutes. The kind of bad that makes you pause it and do things like give your dog it's heart worm medicine. That kind of bad. Fortunately for you and unfortunately for me I finished Carver's Gate, again. You see I've seen this trash heap before but I couldn't remember enough about it to write a thorough assessment of the damages. I guess from that point of view I'm more like an entertainment claims adjuster. Too bad this isn't a no fault state! In cock master butt lord 3 "Carver's Gate" the world is that of the post apocalypse distant future. Shot through a yellow filter (Someday when I review Prototype X29A I'll tell you all about yellow filters) we see the world from the inside of outpost 22, Carver's home. He's a Dream Breaker. Someone who polices the Dream World, an advanced direct brain connect cyberland of unicorns and fairies. The most popular Dream World game for some ungodly reason is Afterlife, programmed by this chick named Diana. Are you bored yet? Ok good now that you're bored I'll continue. So Diana goes and does something stupid. She makes a device which lets people "transcend" or enter the Dream World. The only problem is that a rift opens and every few hours a bloodthirsty demon from Afterlife comes charging through, killing the hapless game addicted future refugees like they were girl gladiators in Break Thru and Conquer. So the first thing that happens is that the "angel" comes through, kills Diana, and leaves everyone going. Huh, that was a violent crime, I haven't seen one of those since Demolition Man. Then Carver the ass mangler steals the new shiny thing as soon as he arrives at the scene of the crime before the other Dream World cops show up. He shrugs his shoulders and goes home. Later that day he "transcends" into Dream World and sees some idiotic thing. He basically squanders his time with the device and ends up being discovered by someone else in Dream World when he just disappears right out of the game. Around the same time a blood thirsty killer walks through the rift and starts chopping everyone's face off who happens to be in the bar. Carver's reaction to this is to grab a chick who he thinks is following him and transcend into Dream World. WTF happened to all the people at the bar? Did they all get massacred? They never say. He just leaves them all to die. What a tool. Later on they figure out Caver has the device because he uses it so damn much and they take it from him. Then they have a pow wow about if they're going to try to fix the dingy yellow dust ball that is Earth or if they're going to move everyone into Dream World and live in a computer simulation while machines stay behind and run the computers. Basically Dream World whorebag #1 decides that it would be a good idea to make the only scientist that can make this all happen really angry be telling him that no matter what she is not going to let him re-foliate the Earth and grow radishes. So scientist fagpants#1 decides to erase all of the data on his robot's that can fix the Earth and instead decides to program the most powerful being in Dream World to come into the real world and kill everyone. Great plan Hoss. So the "angel" comes to the real world and the first thing she does is kill scientist fagpants#1, kill about 20 other people, wreck the environmental control systems that keep everyone else alive, and then take off with butt lord's girlfriend back into Dream World. While all this is going on butt lord is in Dream World talking to the consciousness of Diana that is trapped in the game and has now gone psycho. She tells them that the only way to win is to take the angel out of Dream World and kill her in Meat Space (IRL). So he goes through the rift into Dream World. Just to make it interesting he only has 17 minutes to beat the game, find the angel, get her out of Dream World, kill her, and restore the life support systems or everyone will die. So you're thinking that everyone is pretty much screwed right? Don't I wish. I would've loved that ending. Instead butt lord himself makes it most of the way through the game lead by DIana who designed it. Then by a stroke of luck Diana gets team killed by some people who just happen to be playing the game while they're lying in a hallway dying in real life. As soon as they TK Diana they promptly die. Butt lord advances all the way to death himself and after a minute he runs through the garbage bag hallway into heaven. He meets the angel, somehow convinces her that she's a tard and just when she's about to quit someone attacks her and get's her riled up. Butt lord hits the transcend button and they all go back to meat space where the angel breaks the transcender and somehow fixes everything? WHAT? THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE! Then they show butt lord 10 years later eking out an existence as a scientist. Every now and then he goes into Dream World and visits his old GF who was abandoned there when he transcended out with the angel. She's like "Take your time dood. It sucks where you live. In here we've got ocean's and trees and a bunch of clean air." He's like "But it isn't real dummy." To which she says "It's real to me, since I'm trapped here now and I don't have a body in real life anymore." Which leads me to ask the question. WHY DIDN'T THEY ALL JUST MOVE INTO DREAM WORLD LIKE WHOREBAG#1 SUGGESTED IN THE FIRST PLACE!?! If the Earth is wrecked why save it? Why not live forever in an eternal paradise? But that's just me. The only reason I gave this movie a whole star is that it isn't quite bad enough to deserve the lowest possible rating that I reserve for the worst movies in existence. Otherwise known as the dreaded half star. This is not the worst movie ever, it just really sickens me that it was made. I hope you all feel the same. Please, do yourself a favor and NEVER watch Carver's Gate, ever. I mean it. You think I'm kidding. I'm not. Rated 1/5 Stars •  Rated 1 out of 5 stars 01/13/23 Full Review Read all reviews

Carver's Gate

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