Başarının DNA'Sı Ne İstediğinizi Elde Etmek İstediğinizi Bilin
Başarının DNA'Sı Ne İstediğinizi Elde Etmek İstediğinizi Bilin
JACK M . Z U F E LT
Grateful acknowledgment is made for permission to reprint from the following:
FIRST EDITION
Zufelt, Jack M.
The DNA of success : know what you want . . . to get what you want / Jack
M. Zufelt.—1st ed.
p. cm.
ISBN 0-06-000658-7 (alk. paper)
1. Success. 2. Happiness. I. Title.
02 03 04 05 06 RRD 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
The DNAof Success
To you
and to all that is within you to become
Contents
Acknowlegments 199
I
n quiet, reflective moments, most of us would acknowledge that there is
something missing from our lives, something half finished, something
envisioned but never realized. This something usually relates to a dis-
connect between who we are and what we do, between what we want and
what we have, or between what we set out to do and what we achieve. We
sense that we are underachieving relative to our potential and promise.
One constant reminder of this failure is our inability to set and meet goals
consistently, to make good on our resolutions, and to keep our promises
and commitments to ourselves as well as others.
First, let me ask you three sets of questions:
1. Do you set goals? Do you write them down and read them
frequently? Do you achieve many, if not most, of your goals?
If you struggle to achieve your goals, then this book is for
you.
2. Do you recite affirmations daily? Do you even put them in
conspicuous places so you see them all the time? If most
1
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2 The DNA of Success
things that you affirm never become a reality, this book is for
you.
3. Do you listen to motivational speakers but don’t stay
motivated when you are alone? If so, this book is for you.
http://www.dnaofsuccess.com
Introduction: Something Is Missing 3
Even when we reach the pinnacle of our careers, we invariably ask, “Is
that all there is?” We find that the things we worked for—once attained—
have little meaning. Then we ask, “What’s wrong with me? Why am I not
happy?”
What’s wrong is that we are pursuing the wrong objectives, going
down the wrong paths.
Televisions, bookstores, radio stations, and newsstands are filled with
thousands of experts offering the same sound-bite advice on how to attain
goals. These gurus all seem to share the same recipes for success: a dash
of psychobabble, a sprinkling of gobbledygook, and a heaping portion of
positive thinking. The final product resembles a ten-day-old loaf of bread—
moldy, stale, and indigestible, with no taste or nutritional benefit. No wonder
that after trying the recipe for weeks, months, or even years, we are unhappy
and unsatisfied with what we’re finding or the results we’re getting.
Many teachers of various success methods have told me that they know
something is missing because they continually see their students fail, even
after doing all they are taught to do.
I have researched all the popular concepts for success and have found
that these standard success techniques don’t work.
Goal-Setting
Goal-setting is the reigning king of all success techniques. For decades
we have been told that if we simply write down our goals and read them
daily, somehow we will reach them. My research shows that eight out of
ten things a person writes on a goal list will never happen.
Everyone has goals they don’t achieve and many they don’t even
begin to work on!
Amazingly, in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, peo-
ple continue to believe that if you write down your goals they will happen-
and if you don’t, they won’t. We have all achieved many things that were
never committed to a goal list. Writing down a list of goals and expecting
each to become reality is an exercise in futility and far too often is a nega-
tive, depressing experience. Goal-setting is not the reason people achieve
success. Goal-setting is merely an exercise they go through believing,
wrongly, that the exercise will make them successful.
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4 The DNA of Success
How do you feel about yourself when you look at your list of goals
six months after writing them down and see that most have gone unmet?
Work on some of them may not even have begun, while work on many
was started, then stopped. You may have quit in frustration when you real-
ized that the goals you set were harder to achieve than you thought they
would be. So how do you feel about yourself when you see that most of
your goals never become reality?
No one ever feels good—let alone great—about the fact that they only
achieved one or two goals out of ten. When we don’t achieve our goals,
we tend to redouble our efforts and determine we’ll try harder. Perhaps
believing our goals were set too high, we lower them, hoping we will now
be successful.
Rarely do we consider whether the goal-setting advice was wrong. We
always assume that the reason for failure lies within ourselves. After all, if
the experts and gurus said this was the way to succeed, who can argue with
them? And blindly putting faith and trust in the much-ballyhooed “keys”
to success invariably leads us to more wasted time, effort, and money.
M o t i v a t i o n al Speakers
Most motivational speakers, entertaining and enlightening though they
may be, do not create change in people. After listening to a motivational
speaker, most people stay motivated for about two days. Clearly these
speakers can motivate and inspire people with wonderful stories, exam-
ples, and concepts—but only for a moment in time. Typically they have
no lasting impact. Never mind that some of their advice is ridiculous.
For example, one speaker says that if you want to stop procrastinating,
you should note that assignments are due a couple of days before they
are really due. This is like setting your watch ahead ten minutes, hoping
to arrive on time. Motivational speakers may entertain and inspire us
and make us believe we can do anything, but once we go home and the
excitement dies down, the energy dissipates and we are right back where
we started.
One young man attended a motivational rally where a speaker espoused
ways to make a marriage work. The young man was excited to get this
information because he was unhappy in his marriage. He took copious
notes. Two weeks later I asked him how those techniques he had learned
were working. He replied sheepishly, “I haven’t done anything yet. I’ve
been too busy.” One month later, I asked him again if the information had
helped his marriage. He said, “I haven’t applied it yet.”
http://www.dnaofsuccess.com
Introduction: Something Is Missing 5
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6 The DNA of Success
the newness! I visualized all the things I wanted, and yet I never got them.
These mental exercises may feel good, but they don’t bring results.
Another popular concept, subliminal messaging, involves listening to
ocean waves or the sound of rainfall while subconsciously being bom-
barded with positive messages, suggestions, and affirmations. Does sub-
liminal messaging work? Maybe, but only if it involves something you
really want. Subliminal tapes cannot make you do something you don’t
want to do.
If your boss wants you to meet a sales quota but you really don’t want
to do what is required, all the daily affirmations, visualizations, and sub-
liminal messaging in the world won’t bring it about.
http://www.dnaofsuccess.com
Introduction: Something Is Missing 7
SUGGESTED RESOURCES
S u c c e s s & Achievement
How To Use The Conquering Force Within You—This 8-session personal
development course shows you how to discover the inner key to achieve success
in your life. I shatter conventional self-help theories and techniques that well-
meaning Self-Help Guru’s have been telling you for the past 75 years. What’s
the GOOD news? When we are finished you will have a simple, never before
revealed, step-by-step blueprint of how to achieve exactly what you want in life
and the true cause for success in life—including making more money, complete
time freedom, unshakeable confidence, success in your job, business or whatever
you desire—and it’s easier then you think.
It goes into detail about the foundation for all success and achievement. It
also shows you how to:
• Tap into your own limitless source of true inspiration and self-motivation.
• How to isolate the single, root cause of all success.
• Zero in on the automatic mechanism that will propel you into sustained,
perpetual, proper action, focus and excitement.
• How to finally stop wasting your time and money on concepts that just
don’t work.
• Empower you with the knowledge and ability to overcome stubborn obsta-
cles like fear, stress, lack of money and procrastination once and for all.
What would your life be like if you could overcome those obstacles?
For more information on this resource, as well as a FREE special report
entitled, “If Goal Setting, Positive Thinking, Affirmations, Self-Talk, Dream
Building, Visualizations, Chanting, Fire Walking and Ever Other Technique That
Self-Help Guru’s Preach Actually Work… Then Why Are They Failing Miserably
For You?” [Click here to read the report].
The DNA of Success—This is the 210 page hardcover book endorsed by Mark
Victor Hansen, Jay Abraham, Brian Tracy, Reverend Robert Schuller, Norman
Vincent Peale, Coach Lou Holtz and others. In this breakthrough book that Jack
Canfield, co-author of the #1 New York Times bestselling Chicken Soup for the
Soul, said, “A masterpiece about the true cause of achievement” you’ll find out
what it really takes to be successful... and it’s NOT what you have been told! It’s a
breakthrough in personal success. It’s packed full of powerful, moving stories and
real life examples you can learn from and apply to your very own life to achieve
the things you really want out of life. To find more about knowing what you
want… to get what you want [click here]. This is not the e-book version, this is
a hardcover book.
The Zufelt Experience—The two and a half day event that has already dra-
matically changed lives! The question is, are YOU next? If You’ve Got The Guts
http://www.dnaofsuccess.com
8 The DNA of Success
To Change Your Life Forever, I’ll Show You How To Skip The Hard Part of
Becoming Successful... And, Overnight, Become A Peak Performer Guaranteed!
To find out more about The Zufelt Experience and how it can change your
life [click here].
N e t w o r k M arketing Training
Learn To Earn—How To Make $100,000+ A Year In MLM—You receive 4
hours of the most affordable, intense, results producing MLM coaching you’ve
ever experienced... This is NOT the standard fare—it is refreshingly different. I
help you eliminate every roadblock, challenge and problem you have that’s hold-
ing you back from achieving the success you so strongly desire in your MLM
business. To read more about this business building training resource [click
here].
The DNA of MLM Success Video Series—An incredible 6+ hours of the most
intimate, intense, results producing MLM mentoring and coaching you have ever
experienced. These videos are like having me sitting in your living room person-
ally giving you more than 6 hours of personal one-on-one training. It’s like a
network marketing brain dump from me to you!
Here’s what one of Tahitian Noni’s top producers had to say… “Wow! In my
25 years in the network marketing industry I have never been exposed to such
potent, effective, no holds barred training. Zufelt’s done it again. The DNA of
MLM Success Video Series ties everything together you must do to be success-
ful in this business! You’ve got to get this for yourself and your downline if you
want your business to grow.” —Doug Susol, Diamond Pearl Elite (highest level),
Tahitian Noni
Following the mentoring I give you in this training series, you will be well
on your way to become one of the top producers in your organization, and you’ll
have a sense of purpose, focused effort, and personal passion. For more informa-
tion on this video training series [click here].
http://www.dnaofsuccess.com
PART 1
Core Desires
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1 Success Springs from
Desire
Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness
is the key to success. If you love what you are
doing you will be successful.
—ALBERT SCHWEITZER
S
uccess is not found somewhere out there—success resides inside,
for each of us. You already have what it takes to succeed in life. You
were born with all you need. Your birth certificate doesn’t come
with any guarantees of success, but when you were born you came fully
equipped with talents, abilities, desires, and choices. As you grow and
progress through every stage of life, you discover that there are things you
really want—things you now have your heart set on. As you identify those
things and make wise choices, your success is assured.
This book will give you a new paradigm for
what it takes to achieve. A paradigm is a way of “If you want to make
seeing something—a viewpoint from which you small, incremental
operate. When you embrace a new paradigm, it will improvements, work
cause you to experience quantum leaps of growth on your behavior. If
and achievement in all areas of your life. With this you want to make
new understanding, you will move forward confi- quantum leaps in
dently and quickly, creating the kind of life experi- improvement, work
ences you want—and deserve. You will leave behind on your paradigms.”
all the wrong paradigms and incorrect concepts you —Stephen R. Covey
11
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12 The DNA of Success
thought were keys to success but that in fact caused you to fail.
WHY WE FAIL
For years I have researched the reasons people succeed and why they fail.
In our quest for achievement, we typically make the same mistakes, over
and over again.
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Success Springs from Desire 13
that promise “fast,” “instant,” “free,” “easy,” and “dramatic” results often
inflate our expectations. Almost every product is sold with a guarantee or
promise that in ten, thirty, sixty, or ninety days, we will have our desired
result. The popularity of cosmetic surgery suggests that many people don’t
want to wait even thirty days for results, especially if it means submitting
to any real discipline.
We move forward without a plan or strategy and then quit too soon.
Taking improper action makes it easy to be distracted and hard to
maintain focus on what we need to be doing. Having no plan or strategy
makes every obstacle appear overwhelming and impassable. We often
stop at the first sign of difficulty, whereas had we gone on a little longer
and exercised a little more persistence, patience, or perseverance, we
would have attained the prize. When we can’t see the end of the tunnel,
we tend to think that our current condition or circumstance is a perma-
nent state—or that the light we do see is only the light of an oncoming
train.
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14 The DNA of Success
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Success Springs from Desire 15
There is a better way to achieve the success you want—a way that is sim-
ple and easy to understand because it is basic to your soul; in fact, it is the
DNA of all success. It is the way people have achieved success from the
beginning of time. It worked before there were self-help experts, it still
works today, and it will continue to work in the future. It is the building
block upon which all success is built.
Just as DNA is the chemical basis for all heredity, the DNA of suc-
cess is something we all possess. This DNA of success has been with us
the whole time. It is the cause of everything that anyone has ever done or
will ever do. Because of it, the pyramids were built, new countries were
discovered, men learned to fly and then walk on the moon. It is the cause
of millions of other successes less dramatic, such as learning to drive a car,
run a marathon, or shoot par golf.
To accomplish what you want in life with any measure of satisfaction,
you must identify accurately what it is you really hunger for. If you were
lost in a desert, you would soon become hot and thirsty. You would do just
about anything to get a drink of cool, clear water. This overpowering thirst
is what I call a Core Desire.
Identifying and then wisely, faithfully pursuing your Core Desire is
the one success concept that works every time. This is how people have
created success for centuries—whether or not they were aware of it at the
time. Any time you succeed, you tap into this intrinsic motivation and
internal power.
You don’t have to write down a list of goals to achieve your aims
in life. Basketball star Michael Jordan is just one example of some-
one who did not set written goals and still achieved greatness. In his
article “In Pursuit of Excellence,” he writes: “I have the desire to be
the best person and player I can become, but I approach everything
step by step. It’s all mental for me. I never write anything down. I
just concentrate on the next step. I envision what kind of person and
player I want to become, and I approach it with that end in mind. I
know exactly where I want to go, and I focus on getting there. As I
reach that level, I gain a little more confidence. Each success leads to
the next one.”
Michael Jordan first focused on his Core Desire, and then he looked
for coaches and mentors who could help him. When he achieved one Core
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16 The DNA of Success
Desire, he moved on, often with the help of mentors. “I’m not afraid to ask
anybody (who can teach me something) anything. My attitude is ‘Show
me, help me, give me direction.’’’
Next, find a teacher, mentor, or coach to help you realize your Core
Desires and focus your Conquering Force.
Without such assistance, especially in the beginning, you may not gain
the knowledge, master the skills, or be able to endure hardships and set-
backs along the way.
If you seriously want something you will get it—it is only a matter
of time. When you achieve one Core Desire, you
“If you do not get ask, “What’s next?” You discover and start pursuing
what you want, it is another Core Desire.
a sure sign that you These steps make the DNA strands of our suc-
did not seriously cess. You can start taking these steps today. You are
want it.” never too young or too old to begin moving closer to
—Rudyard Kipling
what your heart most desires.
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Success Springs from Desire 17
A PERSONAL STORY
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18 The DNA of Success
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Success Springs from Desire 19
was a genuine Core Desire, I never quit. This is the awesome, never-quit
attitude that Core Desires bring with them. It’s automatic.
I even entered a tournament with a broken wrist. I went to my karate
teacher—a seventh degree black belt and world champion—and told him
that I wanted to fight but that I was injured. He asked, “How bad do you
want to be in the tournament?”
“Very bad,” I responded.
“Then do it. You have other weapons. You have two feet and another
fist with which to fight. Go in there and do your best.” And so I did, and
I lost, but I began to earn the reputation I longed for—that of being one
tough guy.
Now that I am older, I know that fighting wasn’t my Core Desire.
My Core Desire was to not be afraid or be called a coward anymore,
to win back my own self-respect as well as the respect of my father. I also
found another Core Desire: I wanted to be noticed and looked up to—not
just to win fights.
I had no talent, no self-esteem, and no athletic prowess that would
suggest I could do what I did or become what I have become, but I did.
How can that be? Without understanding it at the time, I had tapped into
the energy and passion of a Core Desire and had refused to let my past
determine my future.
GRATIFICATION IN ACTION
Most people want instant gratification. The good news is that when you’re
pursuing genuine Core Desires, in most cases you experience constant
gratification. You don’t have to wait to have fun or joy when you are on
the path leading toward your genuine Core Desire.
Having a life in which everything you do is driven by Core Desires—
things you love to do or be—is the most satisfying and fulfilling way to
live. When you embark on the journey to identify your Core Desires, you
will open up to a new way of living—a life where everything you ever
wanted will be available to you or you will be on the path toward it, and
loving every minute of it.
You can enjoy that great feeling in every area of your life—going
through life working on things you really, truly love or want. There are
always the “have-tos” to get to your “want-tos,” your Core Desires. If
you are dedicated to losing weight or getting in shape, you know you
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20 The DNA of Success
must exercise, but you don’t mind this, even if it is hard. Only when
your “have-tos” lead to an end result that isn’t a Core Desire are you
unhappy.
Core Desires inspire action. Throughout history, great leaders have ral-
lied others to their causes, inspired people to accept risks and take action,
by tapping into their Core Desires. American revolutionary Patrick Henry
revealed his Core Desire for freedom in his famous statement, “give me
liberty, or give me death.” Most colonists shared that Core Desire. They
felt oppressed and wanted to overthrow the oppressor. The closer a lead-
er’s vision corresponds with his or her followers’ Core Desires, the greater
and more powerful the leader becomes.
Leaders have followings because they tap into people’s Core Desires.
When leaders fail to tap into their constituents’ Core Desires, their popu-
larity and influence wane. Smart leaders first learn what their constituents
want and then adopt those concepts as their own. Once they know the
people’s Core Desires, they can promise to help them get what they want.
Most things that are worth achieving require that you put forth great
effort. Usually the more worthwhile your desire is, the more effort it will
require. You won’t put forth all that effort unless you are pursuing a true
Core Desire.
There may be many things you have to do to get to your “want-tos.”
To become a doctor, for example, you have to graduate from college
and then from medical school. But if you really want to become a doctor,
you don’t mind that the path is hard, long, and expensive. Imagine going to
college just because it’s what your parents want for you. Imagine working
at a job that you hate just to get a paycheck that can’t support the lifestyle
you desire. Imagine becoming a respected professional who earns a lofty
income and yet, after years of practice, feels stuck in a rut or caught in a
downward spiral, wondering, “If I am doing so good, why do I still feel so
bad?” That crisis of meaning often hits after we have experienced some
initial success.
Bruce Jenner seemed to have it all. He was the 1976 Olympic decath-
lon champion who seemed too All-American to be true. He was the man
on the Wheaties box and on the cover of Sports Illustrated. But in 1980,
by his own account, you would never have recognized him.
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Success Springs from Desire 21
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22 The DNA of Success
B onnie St. John Deane grew up in hospitals, in leg braces, and on the
wrong side of the tracks, but that didn’t stop her from believing that an
African-American girl, with only one leg, could learn to ski.
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Success Springs from Desire 23
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24 The DNA of Success
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Success Springs from Desire 25
SUGGESTED RESOURCES
S u c c e s s & Achievement
How To Use The Conquering Force Within You—This 8-session personal
development course shows you how to discover the inner key to achieve success
in your life. I shatter conventional self-help theories and techniques that well-
meaning Self-Help Guru’s have been telling you for the past 75 years. What’s
the GOOD news? When we are finished you will have a simple, never before
revealed, step-by-step blueprint of how to achieve exactly what you want in life
and the true cause for success in life—including making more money, complete
time freedom, unshakeable confidence, success in your job, business or whatever
you desire—and it’s easier then you think.
It goes into detail about the foundation for all success and achievement. It
also shows you how to:
• Tap into your own limitless source of true inspiration and self-motivation.
• How to isolate the single, root cause of all success.
• Zero in on the automatic mechanism that will propel you into sustained,
perpetual, proper action, focus and excitement.
• How to finally stop wasting your time and money on concepts that just
don’t work.
• Empower you with the knowledge and ability to overcome stubborn obsta-
cles like fear, stress, lack of money and procrastination once and for all.
What would your life be like if you could overcome those obstacles?
For more information on this resource, as well as a FREE special report
entitled, “If Goal Setting, Positive Thinking, Affirmations, Self-Talk, Dream
Building, Visualizations, Chanting, Fire Walking and Ever Other Technique That
Self-Help Guru’s Preach Actually Work… Then Why Are They Failing Miserably
For You?” [Click here to read the report].
The DNA of Success—This is the 210 page hardcover book endorsed by Mark
Victor Hansen, Jay Abraham, Brian Tracy, Reverend Robert Schuller, Norman
Vincent Peale, Coach Lou Holtz and others. In this breakthrough book that Jack
Canfield, co-author of the #1 New York Times bestselling Chicken Soup for the
Soul, said, “A masterpiece about the true cause of achievement” you’ll find out
what it really takes to be successful... and it’s NOT what you have been told! It’s a
breakthrough in personal success. It’s packed full of powerful, moving stories and
real life examples you can learn from and apply to your very own life to achieve
the things you really want out of life. To find more about knowing what you
want… to get what you want [click here]. This is not the e-book version, this is
a hardcover book.
The Zufelt Experience—The two and a half day event that has already dra-
matically changed lives! The question is, are YOU next? If You’ve Got The Guts
http://www.dnaofsuccess.com
26 The DNA of Success
To Change Your Life Forever, I’ll Show You How To Skip The Hard Part of
Becoming Successful... And, Overnight, Become A Peak Performer Guaranteed!
To find out more about The Zufelt Experience and how it can change your
life [click here].
N e t w o r k M arketing Training
Learn To Earn—How To Make $100,000+ A Year In MLM—You receive 4
hours of the most affordable, intense, results producing MLM coaching you’ve
ever experienced... This is NOT the standard fare—it is refreshingly different. I
help you eliminate every roadblock, challenge and problem you have that’s hold-
ing you back from achieving the success you so strongly desire in your MLM
business. To read more about this business building training resource [click
here].
The DNA of MLM Success Video Series—An incredible 6+ hours of the most
intimate, intense, results producing MLM mentoring and coaching you have ever
experienced. These videos are like having me sitting in your living room person-
ally giving you more than 6 hours of personal one-on-one training. It’s like a
network marketing brain dump from me to you!
Here’s what one of Tahitian Noni’s top producers had to say… “Wow! In my
25 years in the network marketing industry I have never been exposed to such
potent, effective, no holds barred training. Zufelt’s done it again. The DNA of
MLM Success Video Series ties everything together you must do to be success-
ful in this business! You’ve got to get this for yourself and your downline if you
want your business to grow.” —Doug Susol, Diamond Pearl Elite (highest level),
Tahitian Noni
Following the mentoring I give you in this training series, you will be well
on your way to become one of the top producers in your organization, and you’ll
have a sense of purpose, focused effort, and personal passion. For more informa-
tion on this video training series [click here].
http://www.dnaofsuccess.com
2 Heart-Set over Mind-Set
I can teach anybody how to get what they want
out of life. The problem is I can’t find anybody
who can tell me what they want.
—MARK TWAIN
W
hen you become aware of the root of achievement, every door you
wish to go through will open wide. It truly is the key to success.
Whether you use it to open the door or not is your choice, some-
thing you have total control over. Whether you choose to open the door or
not depends solely on your heart-set, not your mind-set.
A mind-set is a fixed mental attitude formed by experience, education,
and tradition. A mind-set is not the reason you succeed. In fact, it is often
the reason you fail. The things you have your mind set on are often either
expediencies and emergencies or idle reveries, so your prevailing mind-
set lacks the power to sustain effort over time toward the kinds of lifetime
achievements that bring real fulfillment. There simply isn’t enough pas-
sion and emotional power behind a mind-set to clear the pull of habitual
“gravity” and launch you into orbit.
Core Desires create emotions that originate from your heart. These are
the emotions of intrinsic motivation, the power within. I refer to this as your
heart-set—or simply what your heart is set on having, being, seeing, feel-
ing, achieving, and experiencing. Your heart-set is a much more accurate
guide and source of success than your mind-set—so follow your heart.
27
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28 The DNA of Success
Perhaps you have heard people say, “When he sets his heart on some-
thing, watch out!” Or “When her heart is set on something, get out of her
way.” Maybe you have even used this phrase to describe something you
really wanted: “I really have my heart set on going to college” or “I have
my heart set on having a big wedding.” Have you noticed that when you
have your heart set on something it usually happens? Why? Because in the
pursuit of your heartfelt desires, you exercise real initiative, resourceful-
ness, creativity, and endurance—you simply find a way to make it happen.
You do whatever it takes to get what you want.
Why is great literature so replete with references to the feelings,
desires, wisdom, and truth of the heart? Because the heart is the great
center of our emotional intelligence and the ultimate arbitrator in the test
of truth as we know it. We look to the heart—to our true feelings and our
Core Desires—to determine a course of action. We look to the heart when
making important decisions. We also look to the heart to assess what’s best
for us.
The first time I saw my wife, Marci, I was impressed with her beauty.
On our first date, we went to a lovely restaurant and enjoyed a delicious
five-course meal—and then sat there for another four hours, just talking.
We opened up our hearts and discussed things that mattered dearly to us.
We both took a great risk by sharing everything, including the not-so-good
things about ourselves. We probably achieved a greater degree of emo-
tional intimacy in that one evening than most couples do in six months of
dating. We fell in love that night.
I had never felt so comfortable with a woman in my life—I felt as if
she knew me inside and out. By the time we ended our date, she knew my
fears, my failings, and my doubts—including my fear that she might not
like what she was learning about me—and she accepted me for the per-
son I was and the person I could be. She also shared similar things about
herself. We trusted each other with our hearts, and we liked what we saw.
I knew then that I wanted to share my life with her. Five months later, we
were married.
I didn’t need to make a goal of having Marci
for my wife, writing it down and affirming it each
“Few are they who day. Instead, I simply followed my heart. Success is
feel with their own all about setting your heart on something you truly
hearts.” desire.
—Albert Einstein
So why are we sometimes so reluctant to follow
our hearts? As children, young adults, and maturing
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Heart-Set over Mind-Set 29
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30 The DNA of Success
what you do—or don’t do it. Don’t make a choice of any kind, whether in
career or in life, just because it pleases others or because it ranks high on
someone else’s scale of achievement, or even because it seems the logi-
cal thing to do. Make the choice to do something because it engages your
heart and your mind—all of you. Remember that the freedom to choose is
yours. To make the most of that freedom, use your mind and your heart.”
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Heart-Set over Mind-Set 31
Mind-sets can be accurate from a rational point of view but still be wrong.
For example, a management professor at Yale University once responded
to a student’s proposal of a reliable overnight service that it was a “concept
that is interesting and well informed, but in order to earn better than a C the
idea must be feasible.” Fred Smith went on to found the Federal Express
Corporation. In the end, the professor’s mind-set was wrong because his
idea of what was feasible was limited. What is feasible, functional, pos-
sible, or proper to one person may be utter nonsense to a person who is
working from the heart.
Your mind-set may be that you must be an extrovert to be successful.
Although extroverts can be successful, so can people who do not like the
limelight. Some of the most quiet, most laid-back people I have known are
extremely successful.
Your mind-set may tell you that good sex is what it takes to have a
good and happy marriage. Although sex certainly plays an important role,
this is a very limiting mind-set. How you share your hearts is far more
important than how you share your bodies.
As you learn to live more from your heart, you will discover the
Conquering Force. As you work more from your heart, you will unleash
the Conquering Force in your behalf. Let your heart-set, rather than your
mind-set, be your constant guide. Let your heart rule your head.
J ohn had very low self-esteem, and he tried to compensate for this by
putting others down to build himself up. This behavior was motivated
by a Core Desire to feel good about himself at any cost.
John married a wonderful woman, Carol, who grew up with an alco-
holic father. Early in their marriage, Carol exhibited some of the character-
istics common to adult children of alcoholics. In particular, Carol couldn’t
tolerate any criticism. Even the slightest hint of criticism was devastat-
ing to her. For twelve years John, who built himself up by putting others
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32 The DNA of Success
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Heart-Set over Mind-Set 33
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34 The DNA of Success
Colli Butler grew up with alcoholic parents. Her mother went through five
marriages. Her father, who had more marriages than her mom did, left
when she was a toddler, and she never saw him again. As a teenager, she
had such a volatile relationship with her mother that she moved out of the
home more than twenty times in just four years. She moved from place to
place, often living with friends—always seeking a more stable and happier
environment. Her life was hard, to say the least. She overcame seemingly
insurmountable odds and this emotionally unstable background to become
a highly successful woman in network marketing. And she has maintained
a very happy and healthy marriage.
By the time she was ten, she had seen women whose lives were full of
suffering, sometimes brought upon themselves by making wrong choices.
Colli learned from those negative examples and vowed never to make
those mistakes herself. She got involved in building the spiritual area of
her life, which has continued to make a positive impact on all areas of her
life. She went after her success with all her heart.
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Heart-Set over Mind-Set 35
Many years ago, when I was teaching karate, I could usually tell how
well my students would perform from their motivation to learn in the first
place. Often it was just a passing fancy, an ego trip, or a belt. But for others
it was a burning desire.
Once, a university professor approached me and told me he wanted to
become a black belt in karate. In fact, he confided, it had been his goal for
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36 The DNA of Success
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Heart-Set over Mind-Set 37
There will always be barriers and obstacles between where you are right
now and where you want to be. If your desire is fairly strong, you will defi-
nitely get started on it. You will probably spend a lot of money and time
on it, too. You may even get most of the way there. However, the day you
encounter a barrier or obstacle that is bigger than your desire, you will be
stopped. That’s the bad news. The good news is that there are no barriers
or obstacles that can stop you when you are pursuing a Core Desire. The
obstacles you encounter may be intimidating, they may slow you down,
they may be difficult, they may hurt like crazy—but they won’t stop you if
you focus on your Core Desires.
When you are less than wholehearted, you are easily derailed. When
your whole heart is committed, failure is not an option. Halfhearted ath-
letes or teams will never become champions. A halfhearted relationship
just doesn’t cut it. A halfhearted salesperson is destined to a life of medi-
ocrity and financial struggles. Halfhearted will only get you halfway there.
Anything less than wholehearted is destined to mediocrity or failure.
Every obstacle yields to stern resolve, and resolve comes from Core
Desires. The ability to make obstacles yield comes from your Core Desires
and Conquering Force.
In 1989 Melissa Poe saw a television show about what the world
might look like in twenty years if our current levels of pollution continued.
Melissa became very upset, and she decided to write
President Bush, asking him to put up signs saying, “Obstacles cannot
“Stop pollution. It’s killing the world.” crush me. Every
After not getting a reply from the president, she obstacle yields to
thought perhaps her letter had been lost in the mail stern resolve.”
—Leonardo da Vinci
and decided to put up her own signs. She called an
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38 The DNA of Success
B oth Mark and Melissa had their hearts set on something, and their minds
never told them they couldn’t succeed. Following their examples, we
should all listen to our hearts. If we listen first to our minds, we will prob-
ably be led astray by the facts.
Thinking you want something that at the core of your heart you really
don’t want creates a huge problem. People write down goals as if they
know what they want, but they really don’t. Most goals never come to pass
because they aren’t genuine. They don’t come from the heart. Desires that
come from the heart come to fruition. They become reality because you
really want them.
“Your own Success, then, does not come from wishes,
resolution to whims, impulses, goal-setting, daily affirmations,
succeed is more visualizations, intimidation, or pressure. Nor is
important than any it merely something that “would be nice to have.”
other thing.” The DNA of all success is the combination of Core
—Abraham Lincoln Desires and the Conquering Force.
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Heart-Set over Mind-Set 39
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3 Identifying Your
Core Desires
There is only one success—to be able to spend
your life in your own way.
—CHRISTOPHER MORLEY
C
ore Desires are those things you have your heart set on—what
you want to be, have, or do most. One might think that identifying
these Core Desires would be easy, but people often tell me, “I don’t
know what I want, please help me.” This dilemma affects people of all age
groups and crosses all political, social, and economic lines. People tell me
that they don’t know what they want to be, have, or do when they “grow
up.” They are still searching.
NO SENSE OF OBLIGATION
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Identifying Your Core Desires 43
A GAME OF QUESTIONS
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44 The DNA of Success
2. If I had that, was that, or could do that, what would it give me and
how would it make me feel?
Asking this second question helps you get past superficial wants and
wishes and helps you see what difference this desire, once fulfilled, might
make in your life. But your search is not over; you must now measure the
strength of these desires.
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Identifying Your Core Desires 45
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46 The DNA of Success
again, but sometimes you will have to repeat the search questions several
times to get to your Core Desires. It’s like drilling through layers of sedi-
ment to reach bedrock. You may hit bedrock right away, or it may take
several tries. How quickly and accurately you identify your Core Desires
depends solely on how quickly you get out of your head and into your
heart.
THREE EXAMPLES
1. In the financial area of your life, what would you like to have that you
don’t have now?
If you answer, “To be financially independent,” this may rate an 80
on the scale, but it is not your Core Desire. Now ask yourself the Search
Question: “If I were financially independent, what would that give me that
I don’t have now?” You may answer, “It would give me the freedom to do
what I please.”
Using the Search Question again, ask yourself, “If I were free to do as
I please, what would that freedom look like? What would that give me that
I don’t have now?” This is where people get stuck. Often they have a hard
time clearly defining their answer, so they repeat themselves.
If you find yourself getting stuck, just ask the question in a different
way: “If I were financially free, what would that give me that I want but
don’t have? What feelings would that give me?”
You may say, “Oh, I know! I could spend more time with my fam-
ily!” Or “I could quit working at a job I hate.” These emotional responses
are your Core Desires. These are the 100s, and you should only spend
your time and energy pursuing desires that hit the 100 mark on your Core
Desire Scale.
If your answer were “If I were financially independent today, I’d be
free from the stress and worry of not paying the bills,” you’d not be far
from your true Core Desire. But what words jumped out at you as you
read that last answer? Were they paying the bills or free from the stress
and worry?
If you chose the latter, you would be right on. However, there are many
ways to reduce stress and spend more time with the family, even without
being financially independent. Being financially independent would be
nice, but what you really want is to be free from the worry, stress, or guilt
of not being with your family as much as you would like. Knowing that
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Identifying Your Core Desires 47
stress and worry are the real issues could give you many more options for
achieving those Core Desires.
It doesn’t take being financially independent to be free of guilt or
worry. You may need more money, but just how much more money would
it take? You’d be surprised by what saving two hundred dollars a week—
or month—would do. It might take some aggressive budgeting or reducing
your car payments by selling your second car. Just changing your attitude
can rid you of heaps of worry and stress.
2. In your social life, what would you like to have that you’re not getting
now?
You may answer, “I just love helping others, and I’d love to do that
more.” Again, this may be a 90 on your scale, but it is not your Core
Desire. Ask yourself, “If I were able to help others more, what would that
give me or make me feel that I am not getting or feeling now?” You may
answer, “It makes me feel happy.” Try asking the question again, phras-
ing it differently: “Why do I love helping others? What other feelings do I
have when I am helping others?”
Keep digging, and keep asking the Search Question. You may find
your answer with “I love helping others and putting smiles on their faces”
or “helping others makes me feel good.” Maybe even “I love the positive
feedback I receive.” All of these may be high on your scale, maybe even
90s, but they are not your Core Desire.
Ask yourself the Search Question this way: “Why do I love the posi-
tive feedback?” Or “Why does it make me feel good?” When you answer,
“It makes me feel valuable, important, or appreciated,” these are the real
Core Desires.
Often people who don’t feel valuable or appreciated seek ways to
meet those desires by helping others. No wonder they want to do it more:
the real Core Desire is to feel needed by others. This is a definite 100 on
the Core Desire Scale.
3. In the area of self-esteem and self-image, what would you like to have
in your life that you don’t have now?
You may say, “I’d like to be more confident around people.”
Though this may be true, it is not a Core Desire.
Ask the Search Question, “If I were more confident around people,
what would that bring me that I am not currently getting in my life?”
You answer, “I would be willing to speak up more and have my opinions
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48 The DNA of Success
heard.” By continuing to ask the Search Question, you are getting closer
to identifying your true Core Desire.
Keep asking yourself the question: “If I were willing to speak up and
have my opinions heard, what would that give me that I don’t have now?”
You may say, “I wouldn’t feel like I’d let others or myself down by not
speaking my mind.” You’re getting higher on the scale, but you’re not
quite at 100.
“How do I feel when my opinions are not heard or when I am put
down?” You may answer, “I feel bad and unimportant—like my opinions
don’t matter.” These are strong emotions and evidence that you are on the
right track.
When you ask the question “To whom do I want my opinions to matter
most?” you may answer, “My spouse. Having my thoughts and feelings
heard and validated by my spouse is very important to me.” You have
found your 100, the thing that matters most.
This desire has a lot to do with having a safe, uplifting, and intimate
relationship and little to do with self-confidence. If your focus is on confi-
dence, you have set the wrong goal. All your pursuits of confidence prob-
ably won’t get you the validation you want from your partner.
This validation is gained much faster once you realize that confidence
is not your Core Desire, but the need to have a healthy, happy, personally
validating, I-feel-important relationship with your spouse. Many people
are very confident in their work but feel deprived in their marriage or other
personal relationships.
You may have to ask the question “If I had that, how would it make me
feel?” several times or several ways until you’ve drilled down to the core
and discovered your Core Desire. As you learn to become aware of your
true feelings on any subject or issue, this exercise will become second
nature. You are then in a position to live an authentic life .
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Identifying Your Core Desires 49
and then to find your own way of acting on them. When you’ve done that,
you are not existing simply to live up to an image posited by the culture,
family tradition, or some other authority. When you write your own life,
you play the game that is natural for you to play. You keep covenant with
your own promise.”
Bennis cites studies that underscore the benefits of self-invention.
First, studies show that middle-aged men tend to change careers after suf-
fering heart attacks. Faced with their own mortality, these men realize that
what they’ve been doing and what they’ve invested their lives in are not
accurate reflections of their real needs and desires.
Another study indicates that what determines satisfaction in men past
middle age is the degree to which they acted upon their youthful dreams.
It’s not whether they achieve their dreams but the honest pursuit of them
that counts. The spiritual dimension in creative effort comes from that
honest pursuit.
Women, too, are happier when they “invent” themselves rather than sim-
ply accepting without question the roles they have been brought up to play.
Historically, remaining single has been a way for most women to invent
themselves. Changing times have meant changes in relationships, too.
Oprah Winfrey
“Be who you really are. Life is just about having everyday experiences,
and these experiences teach you, moment by moment, who you really are.
Every experience in life teaches you more fully how to be who you really
are. For a long time, I wanted to be somebody else. Growing up I didn’t
have a lot of role models. I was born in 1954. The only Black person on
TV then was Buckwheat. I was ten years old before I saw Diana Ross on
the Ed Sullivan Show with the Supremes, and I said, “I want to be like
her.” It took me a long time to realize I was never going to have Diana
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50 The DNA of Success
Ross’s thighs, no matter how many diets I went on. I came to realize that
I could only be me—not Diana Ross or Barbara Walters. Through a series
of mistakes, I learned I could be a much better Oprah than I could be a
Barbara. I allowed Barbara to be a mentor for me, as she always has been,
and I decided then to try to pursue the idea of being myself. I had to rec-
ognize that instinct or inner voice that told me, ‘You need to find a way to
answer to your own truth.’ “
Christopher Reeve
“Some people really don’t know what they want to be. When they are
asked, ‘What are you going to do with your life?’ they have the honesty to
answer, ‘I really don’t know.’ Such honesty can lead to very rewarding and
profound discoveries about yourself.”
R i g h t o n t he Money
Once, a vice president of a large insurance company came to me and asked
for my help. Although he was earning more than enough money, he wasn’t
happy in his job. He had been at it for twenty-two years and had just grown
tired of it. He wanted something else. When I asked him what else he’d like
to do, he replied, without emotion, “I’ve been looking at real estate and
investments because I know people who have succeeded in those areas.”
When he admitted that he had chosen those two professions because
he had seen others do well in them, I told him, “You might want to con-
sider another option. There’s no emotion at all in your voice. Your head is
talking, not your heart, and these options don’t reflect your Core Desire.”
“Well, then,” he said, “I guess I just don’t know what I really want
to do.”
“What gets you all jazzed up and excited?”
Suddenly his face lit up as he said, “My heart starts to pound when I
think about doing this one thing because it’s so exciting to me.” Before
telling me what this one thing was, he added, “But I don’t see how I can
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Identifying Your Core Desires 51
C l o s e b u t No Core Desire
A young woman was trying to find her Core Desire when it came to earn-
ing a living. At the time, she was doing a job she enjoyed but did not find
soul satisfying.
“What would you really love to do? Is there something that would
bring you greater happiness?” I asked her.
She said she didn’t know but mentioned how much she enjoyed her
volunteer work with abused children. “If I could do that for a living, it
would be wonderful. I would really like to spend my life helping those
children and maybe I could have my own child center.”
It was easy to tell from the animation in her voice and the radiant
expression on her face that this was a Core Desire. I told her that this is
what she should go after.
“But I’m too young, I don’t have a license, and I don’t have the
money,” she said.
Although these were real barriers, I told her, “It doesn’t matter what
problems you encounter, because there are always solutions. You will find
a way when you’re pursuing your true Core Desire.”
P a s s i n g F a ncy
After one of my seminars, a young man came up and asked me if he could
follow me around. He told me that he wanted to “become just like me.” He
wanted me to be his mentor.
Although flattered, I suspected that this momentary glow would not
last. I agreed to help him, but first I gave him some homework. His assign-
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52 The DNA of Success
EMOTIONAL VALIDATION
How will you know when you’ve hit pay dirt? You will know when you
arrive at the core because you will invariably have some kind of emotional
reaction. Our Core Desires always center around how we want to feel
about ourselves—as a result of being a certain kind of person, having a
particular item, or accomplishing a particular thing.
When you identify a Core Desire, you may feel great joy. You may
even start to cry, because the long hidden need or want has gone unfulfilled
for so many years. You may get sweaty hands, or your heart may pound
with excitement. Sometimes discovering a Core Desire is accompanied by
just a calm, peaceful sigh of understanding or a simple, clear, doubt-free,
quiet nodding of the head.
Ask someone who knows you well to help you evaluate your emo-
tional responses. Their observations of your emotional reactions can be
quite accurate. No matter how you react to discovering your Core Desires,
you’ll know it when it happens. Fathoming a Core Desire takes introspec-
tion, work, empathy, and insight.
Identifying your genuine heartfelt Core Desires requires that you really
get to know yourself—at levels you might not have gone to before. What
is way down there can be a real eye-opener. It may be humbling, embar-
rassing, or may open old wounds. In each case, it is valuable because it is
the truth, and the truth will set you on the right path. Don’t let your inabil-
ity to see how you are going to achieve your true desire keep you from
acknowledging what it really is. Make your desire a reality.
Here’s another idea. When you are having difficulty discovering the
desires inside yourself, just guess. You’d be surprised at how accurate a
guess can be. Guessing can also open the door to a part of your heart that
has been closed for some time.
One woman I know was stuck and just couldn’t move forward. I asked
her to guess what she desired most. She looked up at the ceiling and said,
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Identifying Your Core Desires 53
“Well, maybe it could be that I was closer to my son.” Then she started to
cry. That was her Core Desire.
Another man told me, “I just don’t know what I want.” “Guess,” I
said.
He shrugged his shoulders and said, “It might be that I was involved
with people more.”
Then I asked, “If you were involved more with others, what would
that give you?” The man got teary as he told me that his wife had passed
away a few months ago, and he missed her terribly. He had found the only
thing that helped ease the emptiness and loneliness was being with other
people.
Core Desires can free you from staying mired in deep ruts and routines.
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54 The DNA of Success
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Identifying Your Core Desires 55
Nathaniel Branden
“Living consciously means being present to what we are doing, while
we are doing it. It means being eager to acquire information, knowledge,
and feedback on our interests, values, goals, purposes, and projects. It
means having self-awareness through self-examination. The less con-
scious we are, the more we operate mechanically, and the more restricted
our options are in any situation. We may choose to ignore clear indi-
cators that our strategies and tactics have become obsolete. The more
conscious we are, the more options we see; therefore, the more effec-
tive and powerful we can be in responding to life’s challenges. Your life
is important. Honor and fight for your highest potential. People resign
themselves to frustrations much too regularly. They often give up on
their own lives much too readily, much too easily. They are too quick
to draw very malevolent and drastic conclusions from one or two disap-
pointments or failures.”
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56 The DNA of Success
PERSONAL EXAMPLES
M a t t e r s o f the Heart
At a seminar I conducted in Florida, there were about five hundred people
in attendance. The minute I asked for volunteers, Elizabeth, a beautiful
young lady in her late twenties, leaped out of her chair. She was anxious to
learn about, and apply, her Core Desires.
“What would you like to have in your life that you are not getting?”
I asked her.
Elizabeth first said she wanted financial independence. I asked the
audience to measure her response on a scale of 1 to 100; the audience felt
her desire was only between 40 and 60. Elizabeth was indignant and quite
defensive. She stomped her foot on the stage and said, “How dare you tell
me what I want! I really do want financial security!”
Even though she was emotional, Elizabeth was speaking from her
head, not her heart.
My next question completely disarmed her. I asked, “If you had finan-
cial security, what would it give you that you don’t have?” This time she
didn’t say anything. She did, however, quickly glance at the man who had
been sitting next to her. I caught that very slight action and asked her if her
Core Desire had anything to do with him. She nodded.
So I then invited her friend, Greg, to the stage and asked him if she
could speak from her heart regarding her Core Desire, since it involved
him. He gave his permission.
When I asked Elizabeth the same question a second time, she was
silent; she just looked down at the floor. When she looked up, she was cry-
ing. “I just want him to set a date for our wedding,” she said.
I immediately turned to the audience and asked them to measure that
response. Everyone could see and feel the depth of her emotion. Marriage
was definitely a 100 on her Core Desire Scale.
What had happened to the financial security Elizabeth said she wanted?
In less than two minutes, her desire had changed.
When I asked Greg if he loved this woman, he quickly said, “Yes.
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Identifying Your Core Desires 57
M o n e y i n t he Bank
At a conference for banking professionals, I asked a volunteer to come
to the stage. A man came up, saying he owned several banks and that his
Core Desire was to increase cash flow.
When I asked, “If you had more cash flow in your banks, what would
that give you that you’re not already getting?” he paused. He had to search
deep in his heart to find the truth. Then he said, “More time.”
I asked, “If you had more time, what would you do with it?” He told
me that if his banks had greater cash flow, he could quit spending so much
time at the office and do what he really wanted—
teach at a university. He told us how much he loved “Throw your heart
working with young people and helping them suc- over the fence, and
ceed. He became so animated and emotional that we the rest will follow.”
could easily tell that he had definitely found a 100 on —Norman Vincent
Peale
his Core Desire Scale.
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58 The DNA of Success
He had to accomplish three or four things to help increase cash flow and
work toward becoming qualified to teach. Now that he had identified his
Core Desire, he went right to work to make it a reality. Within a short period
of time, he was teaching at his local college and said he was much happier.
W hat you might initially think is a Core Desire often isn’t. You may
have to dig deeper and ask the Search Question several times: “If I
had_____, what would it give me that I am not getting?” This is how you
drill down to your Core Desires. Don’t let what you do today—no matter
how good you are at it or how much money you make at it—be confused
with what you want to do. They may be totally different. For maximum
power and joy, always follow your heart.
Va l e r i e Wi l cox
When I first met Valerie, she was a corporate trainer. By asking herself the
probing Core Desire Search Questions, she discovered that, even though
she really liked speaking and training, what she wanted most to do was
to write murder mysteries. That seemed like an off-the-wall idea—it was
something she’d never done before, and it was unrelated to anything she
had ever done in her life.
When Valerie finally discovered, and acknowledged, her Core Desire,
her Conquering Force was unleashed and provided the courage and ability
she needed. She didn’t know how to go about writing mysteries to earn a
living, but that didn’t stop her—she was on the path.
Valerie recognized the power of the Conquering Force as soon as she
felt it, but it took her a long time to follow her true passion. She had a hard
time letting go of what others thought she should be doing with her educa-
tion and work experience.
“I even convinced myself that my true Core Desire was doing what I’d
always done—teaching and giving management development seminars.
The problem was that I was very unhappy, especially when I discovered
deep inside what I truly wanted to do with my life. When I finally got the
courage (at almost fifty years old) to admit that I am a writer and always
have been, everything changed. Following my true passion, my Core
Desire, has opened more doors than I ever dreamed possible.”
Michelle
When I met Michelle, she was in her fifties. She told me that her Core
Desire was to travel. I asked her, “What else would you like to have, or do,
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Identifying Your Core Desires 59
W h e e l c h a i r Quarterback
A man in his early thirties was sitting in a wheelchair in the middle of the
center aisle. He raised his hand and said, “I don’t want to ruin your semi-
nar or anything, but what you are teaching is a lie—at least it is for me.
You say that if I discover my Core Desires and pursue them, 1 will eventu-
ally achieve them, right?”
“Yes,” I said.
“Well, it won’t work,” he said, “at least not for me.”
I knelt down beside him and asked, “What would you like to have, that
is a one hundred on your Core Desire Scale? What aren’t you getting right
now in your life?”
With conviction he said, “I want to play pro football.” Many in the
audience thought this desire was a 100. I did not, so I asked him why he
liked football. He told us that in high school he was an exceptional quar-
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60 The DNA of Success
terback and broke local records. He was important, valuable, and popular.
Many girls wanted to date him, and he was offered several scholarships
by major universities. He went on to become one of the best quarterbacks
in the history of that school, setting several records. The pros had scouted
him, and he was expected to go high in the draft.
Then tragedy struck—he was involved in a major automobile acci-
dent, breaking his back and paralyzing him from the waist down. That was
the end of his football career. Still, he enjoyed football vicariously—he
went to many games and watched all the games he could on TV. He knew
the names, numbers, and statistics of all the major players.
As he was talking about his football experience, I paid close attention
to his emotions. When he mentioned feeling important and being popular,
I recognized that these were the real highlights of his football experience.
I asked him, “What if I could help you feel as valuable, important, and
popular as you felt when you played football?”
When he looked at me, I could easily tell that I had reached his heart,
where all the genuine desire was. He dropped his head down, covered his
eyes, and began to sob. “If you could do that for me, I would be eternally
grateful,” he said quietly.
His real Core Desire wasn’t to play football. It was to have all the
wonderful feelings that playing football had provided him. Since I had
experienced all those feelings without playing football, I knew that it was
possible.
When trying to discern your Core Desires, pay close attention to the
responses and emotions elicited by the Search Question. You could over-
look a key phrase, comment, or feeling if you are not careful. Emotions are
not always easy to sense or detect.
Often people will answer the question flippantly, or without focus.
Often I will hear a goal they have had for many years, and when I tell them
it is not a 100 on the scale, they say things like “Okay, you want to know
what I really want?” Then they say what is really in their heart and get
right to the Core Desire. Sometimes they joke about a Core Desire—don’t
let this fool you. Oftentimes people joke about the things that are most
important to them, because to get serious about it is quite painful. They
joke around to hide the hurt.
In deciding whether something is a true Core Desire, pay attention to
the words you use to describe it. If you use words like probably, likely,
maybe, possibly, perhaps, or I think, what you’re describing is not a Core
Desire. Phrases like I think, I should, I ought to, I need, and could be,
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Identifying Your Core Desires 61
clearly indicate that what you’re mulling over isn’t a Core Desire. If you
are reluctant to investigate what it will take to achieve your “want,” it
is not a Core Desire. If you feel that it is too much work, it isn’t a Core
Desire.
Procrastination comes from not wanting to do something or not know-
ing how to make it happen given your circumstances. Sometimes it is too
painful to keep looking at what you really want but believe you can’t ever
have, so you never look at it. This doesn’t make the feelings go away, it
just pushes them deeper down into your heart. Your feelings get buried but
still exhibit a measure of influence on your actions—and certainly limit
your happiness.
Many people suffer anguish because they know what their Core Desires
are, but they don’t know how to get them. They just keep on doing things
that don’t work. They look for solutions somewhere “out there” rather than
within their hearts. If you think that something outside you is the cause of
your problems, you will look outside yourself for the answers.
Others think they know what they want but often find they are wrong.
They work hard to get what they think they want, but they fail. And then
they try again and again. Or they do all that work and spend all that energy
and money to pursue what they think is a Core Desire, but when they
obtain it, they still feel empty.
Marybeth
Marybeth came to me for advice regarding a specific personality trait that
was creating serious marital problems. She knew she needed to change
it. She had sought the advice of marital counselors, and each told her to
read a specific book. When she came to me, I also recommended a specific
book with insights regarding her problem. Marybeth dutifully bought all
the recommended reading and placed the books on her nightstand—but
she never read them.
Around this same time, Marybeth discovered she was pregnant with
her first baby. She was so anxious, she couldn’t wait—she wanted to be
the best mother possible. So she bought several books about babies and
parenting, read them all, and prepared for the day when her precious baby
would make its debut into this world.
What was the difference between the two stacks of books? The first set
fell under the category of “I should, I ought, or I need to change.” These
dutiful attitudes produced more guilt than action. The other stack repre-
sented something really exciting to Marybeth; she could hardly wait to
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62 The DNA of Success
read them. She even interviewed several parents to learn how they raised
their children. This interest easily ranked 100 on the Core Desire Scale.
Excitedly and anxiously conducting an investigation and steeping
yourself in knowledge is highly indicative of a Core Desire. Like a sleep-
ing volcano, it certainly hasn’t blown sky-high as yet, but the early warn-
ing rumbles are there if you know how and where to listen.
The stack of books about motherhood and babies were read thoroughly
by Marybeth. Her desire to change her personality trait ranked much lower
on her Core Desire Scale. It was powerful enough to ask experts for help
and to invest money, but not enough to find the answers being sought—and
work toward achieving them no matter what. That goal will never happen
until it becomes a 100 on the scale. Her heart just isn’t in it.
When we are pushed into doing something, we resist. But when it is
a Core Desire, no pushing is necessary, and no resistance occurs. No one
likes to be pushed into something they don’t want to do.
Nike’s famous motto “Just Do It” sounds great, but you will only “do
it” if you want to do it. The willpower required to finish a task only exists
if there is a Core Desire behind it. When a Core Desire is propelling you,
your willpower is automatic—and success is assured.
You can always tell when people are working toward a Core Desire by the
results they achieve. When they are working on a Core Desire, they are
enjoying themselves and are determined not to quit until they achieve their
heart’s desire. They are learning and doing the things they need to do to get
what they want, even though they may get hurt, injured, or discouraged.
For example, two of my daughters love to snowboard. When they first
hit the slopes, they fall down a lot. The next day they are so sore they
can hardly walk, but they can’t wait to go again. A dear friend of mine, a
professional skier, damaged his knee severely. After having six pins put in
his knee, having a cast on his leg from hip to ankle, he asked the doctor
how long it would be before he could go skiing again. “Not this season,”
he was told. But my friend was up skiing—in his cast—in just six weeks!
Even pain won’t stop you when it’s a Core Desire. It may slow you down,
but it won’t stop you.
When Henry Ford was asked what contributed most to his success, he
said, “I keep my mind so busy thinking about what I want to accomplish
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Identifying Your Core Desires 63
that there’s no room in it for thinking about the things I don’t want.” It’s
critical that you focus your time and energies only on the things you really,
truly want—only on your Core Desires. It’s quite easy to stay focused once
you identify them, in spite of all the problems and hurdles in your path.
In the absence of a Core Desire, a nasty monster called Negative
Labels lurks. When you fail at something, you tend to give yourself nega-
tive labels, such as “I don’t have what it takes,” ‘Tm not smart enough,”
‘Tm too shy,” or “I guess I didn’t want it badly enough. It must not be a
Core Desire.”
You are smart enough to learn whatever you want to learn. It’s not a
matter of can you learn what it takes, it’s a matter of do you want to learn
it. When you want something enough, you will do whatever it takes for as
long as it takes to get it.
Once you know what your Core Desires are, you will automatically
work toward them because they become priorities. Core Desires are things
you are always trying to do, and when you are pursuing the things you love
in all areas of life, you will find the secret of peak achievement, balance,
and happiness in life. Suddenly, astonishing sources of energy become
available when you are pursuing your Core Desires.
Listening to your head while trying to determine your Core Desires
will lead you off course. Your head usually makes decisions based on facts
and data gathered from your own or others’ personal experiences. Your
mind can learn anything you want it to. The operative word is want. It can
help you solve problems so you can achieve the desired end result. It can
help you acquire traits, attitudes, and abilities you didn’t have before.
To identify your Core Desires, pay close attention to your emotional
reactions—they come from your heart. You must have the proper heart-
set—not mind-set—to achieve your Core Desires. With practice, you’ll
develop the ability to evaluate whether what you are considering is a genu-
ine Core Desire and whether you’ll be willing to put forth the effort to
achieve it. Learn to focus on your Core Desires so you don’t waste time
and money on other things.
Having a life in which everything you do is driven by Core Desires—
things you love to do or to be—is the most satisfying and fulfilling way to
live. When you embark on the journey to identify your Core Desires, you
will open up a whole new way of living—a life where everything you ever
wanted will be available to you or you will be on the path toward it—and
loving it.
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64 The DNA of Success
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you desire—and it’s easier then you think.
It goes into detail about the foundation for all success and achievement. It
also shows you how to:
• Tap into your own limitless source of true inspiration and self-motivation.
• How to isolate the single, root cause of all success.
• Zero in on the automatic mechanism that will propel you into sustained,
perpetual, proper action, focus and excitement.
• How to finally stop wasting your time and money on concepts that just
don’t work.
• Empower you with the knowledge and ability to overcome stubborn obsta-
cles like fear, stress, lack of money and procrastination once and for all.
What would your life be like if you could overcome those obstacles?
For more information on this resource, as well as a FREE special report
entitled, “If Goal Setting, Positive Thinking, Affirmations, Self-Talk, Dream
Building, Visualizations, Chanting, Fire Walking and Ever Other Technique That
Self-Help Guru’s Preach Actually Work… Then Why Are They Failing Miserably
For You?” [Click here to read the report].
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PART 2
Conquering
Force
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4 The Conquering Force
Within You
There is a power under your control that is
greater than poverty, greater than the lack
of education, greater than all your fears and
superstitions combined. It is the power to take
possession of your own mind and direct it to
whatever ends you may desire.
—ANDREW CARNEGIE
T
here is an incredible energy and power within each of us just wait-
ing to be unleashed by our Core Desires—I call it the Conquering
Force.
To conquer is to get what we seek or overcome obstacles by physi-
cal, mental, or moral force. And force is the power to
act effectively and to move against resistance. And “Most people live,
whether physically,
so your Conquering Force is your innate ability to
intellectually, or
act effectively to get what you seek by overcoming
morally, in a very
all obstacles and resistance in your way. By tapping restricted circle
into the Conquering Force, we can achieve amazing of their potential
results. being. They make
What portion of your “potential being” do you use of a very small
occupy? What part of your “soul’s resources” do portion of their
you use? Would you like to know the source of all consciousness,
success? Would you like to make better use of your and of their soul’s
resources; achieve what you most desire to be, have, resources in
and do in life; and gain greater success and fulfill- general.”
—William James
ment in your life and work?
67
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68 The DNA of Success
When you unleash the Conquering Force, you will achieve your
Core Desires. Here’s an example. When my wife wanted a piano, we
bought, rebuilt, and refinished an old piano. It quickly became a beauti-
ful and treasured piece of furniture. The only problem was that it didn’t
come with a bench. After searching to no avail for the right bench, my
wife decided she’d just have to make one. She didn’t know the first thing
about making a piano bench, but it was a Core Desire. She really wanted
a matching bench, with the same kind of carving on the legs, the same
rich patina, and the same styling, even though the piano was over a hun-
dred years old. So she signed up for a woodworking course at a local
technical college. She learned how to use power saws, joiners, routers,
drills, and wood lathes. She learned all about dowels, glues, carving, and
wood finishes.
Within six weeks, her piano bench was born. It has since become a
beautiful part of our home. By choosing just the right finish, she was able
to match the piano in color, and the leg styling was an interpretation of that
gracing the old piano.
The day she started to work on the bench, her gratification was
instantaneous—because she was doing what she wanted. She enjoyed
the whole process. She never said, “I hate to go down to the shop,” or
“This isn’t any fun.” Since the bench was a Core Desire, she simply
drove to the shop each week and learned how to do what was needed.
She was excited to do so—she could hardly wait to get there and find
out what she didn’t know. She enjoyed nearly every minute of it. The
final product was a few weeks away, but there was constant gratifica-
tion. When you pursue Core Desires, you gain gratification every step
of the way because you are working toward an end result you really
want.
There were things she didn’t like about the bench-making process. She
didn’t enjoy the time she hurt her hand or got dirt and dark stains under her
nails from the wood finish. She even ruined two bench legs and had to start
over, but that setback didn’t stop her. Her Core Desire was genuine, and it
automatically kept her motivated.
When you identify and focus on your Core Desires, you unleash the
Conquering Force—that potent, God-given force that causes everyone to
accomplish everything and anything. Your past cannot control your future
unless you let it.
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The Conquering Force Within You 69
Wa l l y A m o s
When Wally was forced out of his own cookie company, it seemed utterly
unfair. But he refused to be a victim:
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70 The DNA of Success
You, too, can use the creative power of the Conquering Force to con-
front and shape your unique reality. You can love and enjoy everything
that you do when your projects and experiences are an extension of your-
self. Your Core Desires become a reality to the extent that you pour your-
self into them. You will say along with Wally Amos, “I go out with a heart
filled with passion and actualize what I desire. Everyone who achieves
greatness or fulfillment in life starts out with a dream or desire and these
call up limitless spiritual resources.”
An unlimited power to create lies within you. When you act on your
Core Desires, the outcome is often far grander than you might imagine.
“Outcomes are often not what I expect,” said Wally, “and yet I always find
myself feeling completely satisfied with the way things work out. When
you have faith in the outcome, no matter what it may be, you cannot stop
yourself from living and working with enthusiasm. As I put what I feel
into action, I am filled with vitality and happiness.”
I once met a man who entered the Hawaiian Iron Man race, one of
the toughest races ever devised. At seventy years old, he was the oldest
entrant. As he was introduced, at a meeting with the company that spon-
sored him, the speaker said, “Im forty-five years old, and I could never do
what he is doing.”
The athlete responded, “When I was your age I couldn’t either.”
Amazingly, he hadn’t started running until he was sixty-four years old.
Such latent ability lies within each of us. Some people constantly tap
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The Conquering Force Within You 71
into their Conquering Force and use it to enhance and prolong their lives.
When the late George Bums was asked if, given the chance, he would do
anything in his life differently, he said, “Not really, I’d rather be a failure
at something I love doing than to be successful at something I hate. I’ve
always been in love with show business, and I still am. Show biz is and has
always been my main desire.”
K e v i n F r e i berg
“It is possible to go home at the end of the day emotionally charged. You
will develop the courage, confidence, and contagious enthusiasms when
you find a purpose you’re crazy about. Inner strength and high self-esteem
follow from having a strong sense of purpose and direction. We can rise to
any height when we passionately believe that our lives are wrapped up in a
cause that gives us a sense of meaning and significance. When we see how
our efforts contribute to a larger cause, or a worthy purpose, we fulfill one
of our deepest desires—the desire to make a difference. When we know
that our lives, and our work, have meaning, we still have energy at the
end of the day. Find a purpose you’re crazy about, a purpose to which you
are willing to give the totality of who you are, and who knows—you may
recapture your idealism. You will regain a sense of adventure and playful-
ness, and turn routine into festivity.”
C ore Desires stimulate our senses and awaken our entrepreneurial spirit.
They fuel our imagination, release our creative energy, and draw a deep
sense of commitment to action. It’s difficult to take action toward some-
thing you don’t desire.
How can you know when you are—or are not—tapping into the Conquering
Force?
W h e n Yo u Don’t Have It
When you are not tapping into the Conquering Force, you’ll feel as if
you’re drifting like a stick in a river. Life will take you wherever it wants
instead of you controlling where your life goes. You will set goals but
never reach them, and you’ll feel that life is ruling you. Maybe you’ll even
decide to accept the status quo, thinking you can’t do anything about it.
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72 The DNA of Success
You may believe that you don’t have any choices and end up accepting
that you’ll never achieve what you want in your life. Worse still, you may
view your situation as hopeless—dying emotionally or spiritually because
of your limiting paradigms. If any of these things are happening in your
life, you haven’t yet discovered that you do, indeed, have choices and can
make changes. You were not born for mediocrity or unhappiness. Because
of your ability to choose, you can control a lot more than you think.
W h e n Yo u Do
You will know the moment when you have tapped into your Conquering
Force because you’ll feel alert, alive, excited about your life, and you’ll
know you’re in charge of what you’re doing. You will be enjoying the path
you are on. You can find a way to do what needs doing and get results.
You’ll go out and make things happen for yourself. Your indomitable spirit
comes from your Conquering Force. You’ll have a feeling of well-being
and a sense of accomplishment. You’ll be happy, even through the tough
times. As you accomplish what you set out to do, you will be surrounded
by both tangible and intangible evidence that you have unleashed your
Conquering Force to achieve your Core Desires.
RELATED FORCES
Once you have discovered your Core Desires and unleashed the
Conquering Force, ten other internal forces come into play: enthusiasm,
joy, creativity, focus, drive, commitment, discipline, stamina, talent, and
other resources.
Like cousins in a family, these forces are all closely related. Working
together, they become synergistic and dynamic. Once you identify some-
thing you want badly enough, your mind automatically becomes more
creative. You become enthusiastic, focused, committed, disciplined, and
dedicated, and you make better use of your talents and other resources.
Tragically, most people don’t know how to employ these forces.
Through my own experience—and the vicarious experiences of count-
less others who have overcome difficulties, past histories, and seemingly
insurmountable problems—I know that the ability to learn and perform is
greatly enhanced when Core Desires trigger your Conquering Force.
If you put a l00-watt light bulb into a lamp, obviously you’ll get more
light than with a 25-watt bulb. So it is with the Conquering Force. Getting
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The Conquering Force Within You 73
up in the morning and going to work may only be a 25 on the Core Desire
Scale. However, you may come home at night and work at a furious pace
until midnight to complete the boat you are building; this effort is at 100.
It’s an effort you enjoy, no matter how late the hour.
How can you judge how much power you’re deriving from the
Conquering Force? Use the “Power Meter” below to rate yourself in each
of these forces.
There can still be some achievement even when the Conquering Force
is seemingly dormant, because you always have some degree of desire.
But if the Conquering Force is engaged at a very low level, you may never
get out of bed. If the Conquering Force is engaged at a moderate level,
you will do your duties—assigned tasks, shopping, and other items on the
Forces of Resources
Talent, gifts, abilities
Wise use of resources
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74 The DNA of Success
routine of your to-do list, if these are things you have to do. But when the
forces of your heart, mind, and will are engaged at high levels, you will tap
into amazing energy, passion, and power.
Moreover, other people can tap into the power of your Conquering
Force for their own personal benefit—especially when their Core Desires
are closely aligned with yours. In these instances, you will become a leader
or mentor to those who want to follow your example, pursuing a similar
path to progress in their lives and careers.
INTRINSIC MOTIVATION
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The Conquering Force Within You 75
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76 The DNA of Success
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The Conquering Force Within You 77
SUGGESTED RESOURCES
S u c c e s s & Achievement
How To Use The Conquering Force Within You—This 8-session personal
development course shows you how to discover the inner key to achieve success
in your life. I shatter conventional self-help theories and techniques that well-
meaning Self-Help Guru’s have been telling you for the past 75 years. What’s
the GOOD news? When we are finished you will have a simple, never before
revealed, step-by-step blueprint of how to achieve exactly what you want in life
and the true cause for success in life—including making more money, complete
time freedom, unshakeable confidence, success in your job, business or whatever
you desire—and it’s easier then you think.
It goes into detail about the foundation for all success and achievement. It
also shows you how to:
• Tap into your own limitless source of true inspiration and self-motivation.
• How to isolate the single, root cause of all success.
• Zero in on the automatic mechanism that will propel you into sustained,
perpetual, proper action, focus and excitement.
• How to finally stop wasting your time and money on concepts that just
don’t work.
• Empower you with the knowledge and ability to overcome stubborn obsta-
cles like fear, stress, lack of money and procrastination once and for all.
What would your life be like if you could overcome those obstacles?
For more information on this resource, as well as a FREE special report
entitled, “If Goal Setting, Positive Thinking, Affirmations, Self-Talk, Dream
Building, Visualizations, Chanting, Fire Walking and Ever Other Technique That
Self-Help Guru’s Preach Actually Work… Then Why Are They Failing Miserably
For You?” [Click here to read the report].
The Zufelt Experience—The two and a half day event that has already dra-
matically changed lives! The question is, are YOU next? If You’ve Got The Guts
To Change Your Life Forever, I’ll Show You How To Skip The Hard Part of
Becoming Successful... And, Overnight, Become A Peak Performer Guaranteed!
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life [click here].
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5 The Success Attitude
There is no duty we so much underrate as the
duty of being happy.
—ROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON
SA = (CD + D) X PA + P
79
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80 The DNA of Success
SUCCESS ATTITUDE
CORE DESIRES
Use those strong, powerful, and heartfelt desires—those that measure 100
on the Core Desire Scale—to succeed at anything. Find the overwhelming,
overarching desire that is so strong it will tap into the Conquering Force.
The only thing that will cause you to do what is unfamiliar, uncomfortable,
or even scary is knowing it is worth it. Your comfort zone is what you have
right now in your life. If you want more out of your life, you must move
into the discomfort zone—a much larger circle. The longer you stay in
the discomfort zone, the more comfortable you become. Before long, the
perimeter of the first circle disappears and your comfort zone will encom-
pass this new, larger circle.
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The Success Attitude 81
O MFORT ZO
SC N
I
E
D
Y O U R CURRENT
C O M F ORT ZONE YOUR CURRENT
COMFORT ZONE
How large would you like your comfort zone to be? It can be as big as
you’d like. You can choose to place no limits on yourself. If you can learn,
you can do, have, or become whatever you want.
When I ask people, “How are you creating opportunity?” I hear many
excuses. I have a rebuttal for each excuse—I’ve used them all myself. But
what it really comes down to is, do you want it or not? If a person says
he would like to learn to swim but is afraid of water, my response is very
objective: Do you want to learn to swim or not? It’s your choice. If the
desire is big enough, you will do it even if the fear is there. It is that simple.
Our limiting paradigms are what make it seem so hard.
Once, a woman timidly approached me and told me that she really
wanted to take a job but was concerned that she wasn’t “cut out for that
kind of work.”
“When you were cut out, what were you cut out for?” I asked. She saw
herself as “just a housewife.”
When I ask people, “What are you?” I hear such things as ‘Tm just a
secretary,” “just a truck driver,” “just a plumber,” “just a mom.”
People label themselves as “just-a.” This “just-a” attitude is a way of
downplaying your current roles. If you aren’t happy
in your current roles, you can change them. Everyone “The person who
is “just-a” human being with all the abilities and says it can’t be
attributes God gave us at birth. We can do, have, or done should not
become whatever our hearts desire. The potential of interrupt the person
any human being is immense. doing it.”
There will always be those who tell you “it can’t —Chinese proverb
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82 The DNA of Success
DIRECTION
Still, a Core Desire by itself won’t get you where you want to go. If you
live in California and want to drive to Washington, D.C., you may have a
great desire, but you still need direction.
We already know that the shortest distance between two points is a
straight line. Wouldn’t it make sense to go straight, or as straight as possible,
toward our desired objective? Identifying Core Desires has a way of making
you want to fulfill them as quickly as possible. Yet many folks, after they’ve
pinpointed their Core Desires, get bogged down because they can’t find direc-
tion. So find an accurate map, trace the best route, check with the travel club,
and find out about any detours. Minimize your delays and annoyances.
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The Success Attitude 83
It may not be simple to map out exactly how you’ll increase your
income, increase your free time, overcome habits that hold you back,
or create close relationships. It’s always much harder to find a map for
those—but they do exist.
Once you know what your Core Desires are, you can make use of tools
that are available to you, such as the ones listed below. But remember,
these tools alone—without Core Desires—will get you nowhere fast.
Mentors
Throughout history, world leaders have had their mentors. Franklin
Roosevelt had George Marshall; the King of England had Winston
Churchill; Julius Caesar had Mark Antony. If people at the very top are
smart enough to seek out and utilize mentors, don’t you think we’d be
smart to do the same thing?
Books
For every Core Desire you have, you can find a book. When you read
books that address your Core Desire, reading can be a joy and a pleasure.
You’ll devour the words and eagerly apply all you’ve learned. (That’s your
Conquering Force in action.) Interestingly, the Conquering Force elimi-
nates boredom, because you’re always doing what you want. Only buy
books that pertain to your identified Core Desires.
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84 The DNA of Success
level. My deepest Core Desire has always been to have the best relation-
ship possible with my wife and children. Anything that can help me do that
automatically helps me achieve my Core Desire .
PROPER ACTION
Without proper action, you can’t obtain your Core Desires. A Latin prov-
erb says, “If there is no wind, row.” I add, “Row with both oars, but first
untie the boat from the dock.” The Conquering Force is the power that
causes you to take the proper steps, no matter what the risk or how many
obstacles you encounter.
Wanting to go to Washington, D.C., and simply selecting the route
won’t get you there. You’ve taken some action by reading about all the
things to see; you’ve bought a map and done some calculations, but it
isn’t enough. You still must get in the car, fill it with gas, and take off.
Without the map, you could have a difficult time getting there. Maybe
you’d still get lost or get a flat tire. There are always risks associated
with any journey, but the potential for problems doesn’t stop you from
trying, because it’s a Core Desire to go on vacation and see the nation’s
capital.
This attitude of not letting risks and possible problems stop you applies
to every area of your life. When you are working toward a genuine Core
Desire, fear is not a limiting factor. If you are afraid to do something but
do it anyway, does that mean that you are afraid or brave? The answer is
both, but it’s the Core Desires that make the fear manageable.
My wife and I decided to go to Vail, Colorado, with our two teenage
daughters to hike in the Rocky Mountains. It was a beautiful summer day
when we parked the car at the lodge and started off hiking. Right away my
daughters saw that we could take one of the ski lifts and ride to the top of
the mountain to take in the spectacular views.
When they asked if we could take the chair lift, my chest tightened.
I’m afraid of heights. Those chair lifts go so high above the ground, and
with nothing between me and a long fall but those tiny wooden slats to sit
on, I said “Uh-uh.” They told me that it was impossible to fall—millions
of people ride these lifts with no accidents.
They pleaded, “Please, please, Daddy? It will be beautiful up there.”
Because my Core Desire was to please my daughters and to have a won-
derful experience with them, I took the chair lift to the top.
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The Success Attitude 85
PERSISTENCE
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86 The DNA of Success
knee high and without proper form. After three or four lessons, they still
have difficulty. They moan in frustration “I’ll never be any good at this,”
“I’ll never learn this kick.” But when asked if they really want to learn it,
they always say yes.
After I teach the motions necessary to master this kick, I give my stu-
dents homework: practice the kick with each leg a thousand times a week
for at least two weeks. I can usually tell who will become proficient at the
kick by their reaction my instructions. Some agree to do the exercise, oth-
ers protest, and still others persist. Those who persist become experts at
the rear kick. All have the ability, but only a few have the heart-set.
After seeing the Success Attitude formula in action over the years, I’m
convinced that it works every time. It will produce tremendous results and
never fails. By following these simple steps, you can enjoy life at high
levels of harmony, satisfaction, and joy. By following the Success Attitude
formula, you will benefit greatly.
M a r k L e s i c ka
In 1986 Mark was asked to make a donation to the Children’s Hospital
fund-raiser. The woman calling on behalf of the hospital told Mark a story
about how her child had been cared for in a time of illness. Mark was so
touched by the woman’s story, he felt compelled to do all he could to make
this fund-raiser a resounding success. He wasn’t sure how he would do it;
he only knew that it was important.
A few days later Mark was visiting one of several video stores he
owns. The store manager told him about an article she had read about the
Batmobile. She asked Mark if it would be possible to use the car as a pro-
motional tool. At first Mark laughed, but then he thought immediately of
the Children’s Hospital fund-raiser.
After many calls to the rare car dealership nearby, Mark was able to
convince the owner to donate the use of the Batmobile for the fundraiser,
with the stipulation that Mark pay for the advertising and transportation
costs, as well as arrange permissions from Warner Brothers. The deal-
ership also requested that any ads make it known
that the car was being donated specifically for the
“Vitality shows not
Children’s Hospital.
only in the ability
Mark set to work, securing the help of employees
to persist but the
and friends. When he contacted the movie studio, he
ability to start over.”
—F. Scott Fitzgerald was surprised to learn that this was not the first time
the Batmobile had been used in a fund-raiser. And
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The Success Attitude 87
he was pleased to learn that the studio would cover any insurance fees.
Next Mark contracted with an agency to draw up an advertisement for
the Batmobile. While the final ad was being constructed, Mark left for a
short vacation. While on vacation, he received a call from his office saying
that the dealership was calling the deal off. It seemed that the advertising
agency had somehow failed to mention the Children’s Hospital fund-raiser
in the ad. Mark immediately called the dealership and promised to correct
the advertisement.
Despite the obstacles in his way, Mark was driven by the Core Desire
to help raise money for a cause he felt close to. The use of the Batmobile
was a huge success—over four thousand people attended the event and,
in just two days, raised 10 percent of the funds that were raised that year.
Mark received numerous calls from other local hospitals requesting that
the Batmobile pay visits to their fund-raisers and visit terminally ill chil-
dren.
Because Mark was driven to help raise as much money as possible for
the hospital, nothing stood in his way. Without ever writing down goals
or making affirmations, he overcame obstacles, pursued all avenues, and
ultimately persevered in the face of adversity. Once he had identified his
Core Desire, his Conquering Force kicked into gear—and anything was
possible.
H e b e r J . G rant
When Heber J. Grant was a boy, he joined a baseball club. He lacked the
physical strength to throw the ball from one base to another or hit the ball
or run well. He was teased and called “sissy.” This painful teasing caused
him to make a solemn vow to play on the best team and win the state
championship. He bought a baseball and spent hours and hours throwing it
against a barn. His arm would ache so badly he could hardly sleep at night.
But he kept on practicing and eventually played on the team that won the
state championship.
S t e v e Yo u n g
“In many ways I’m not a likely candidate to be a
quarterback in the NFL. For starters, I harbored a lot “The secret
of self-doubt for years. I was like The Little Train of success is
constancy of
That Couldn’t. I kept saying, ‘I can’t do it. I can’t do
purpose.”
it.’ So the secret to my success is just that I knew I —Benjamin Disraeli
had the ability and desire-deep down-and I held on.
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88 The DNA of Success
It seemed like success happened to me. I sat there in a 3-D game, and it
kept coming at me. I just kept going ahead, kept improving my game, and
somehow never stopped. I just took it a day at a time. And over time, I
became The Little Train That Could. My new message to myself is ‘I think
I can. I think I can.’ I overcame my doubts. Somehow you get things done
that you never thought you could when you just move forward and hold
on. The hard part was waiting behind Joe Montana. When I finally got my
chance, the scrutiny was intense. I faced incredible odds. But I was drawn
to the challenge. I kept saying, ‘I’m sticking this one out. I want to see
where it goes.’ And one day I woke up as MVP of the league.”
This level of persistence exists in all of us if we want something with
all our heart. One of my mentors once taught me a lesson on adversity
when he asked me what makes a kite fly. I said, “It’s the wind.” He said,
“The answer is, the string. What would happen if, while flying a kite, you
let go of the string? The kite would fall. You see, it’s that resistance to the
wind, provided by the string, that not only keeps it aloft but causes it to
soar to great heights.”
So when you encounter resistance or adversity,
remember that you’re like a kite flying in the sky and
“Perseverance is you need resistance to become strong and to stay up
not a long race. It is
there or soar higher. I know that’s true for me. As
many short races,
a result of seemingly negative things that have hap-
one after another.”
—Walter Elliott pened to me, I am where I am today. I sure didn’t
like them when they were happening, but hindsight
shows that these experiences were some of the best
things that could have happened to me.
The ability to solve problems is one of the most important elements of
achievement in any endeavor. Problems will crop up. Accept that as a fact
of life. Solving them is the way to succeed.
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The Success Attitude 89
SUGGESTED RESOURCES
S u c c e s s & Achievement
How To Use The Conquering Force Within You—This 8-session personal
development course shows you how to discover the inner key to achieve success
in your life. I shatter conventional self-help theories and techniques that well-
meaning Self-Help Guru’s have been telling you for the past 75 years. What’s
the GOOD news? When we are finished you will have a simple, never before
revealed, step-by-step blueprint of how to achieve exactly what you want in life
and the true cause for success in life—including making more money, complete
time freedom, unshakeable confidence, success in your job, business or whatever
you desire—and it’s easier then you think.
It goes into detail about the foundation for all success and achievement. It
also shows you how to:
• Tap into your own limitless source of true inspiration and self-motivation.
• How to isolate the single, root cause of all success.
• Zero in on the automatic mechanism that will propel you into sustained,
perpetual, proper action, focus and excitement.
• How to finally stop wasting your time and money on concepts that just
don’t work.
• Empower you with the knowledge and ability to overcome stubborn obsta-
cles like fear, stress, lack of money and procrastination once and for all.
What would your life be like if you could overcome those obstacles?
For more information on this resource, as well as a FREE special report
entitled, “If Goal Setting, Positive Thinking, Affirmations, Self-Talk, Dream
Building, Visualizations, Chanting, Fire Walking and Ever Other Technique That
Self-Help Guru’s Preach Actually Work… Then Why Are They Failing Miserably
For You?” [Click here to read the report].
The DNA of Success—This is the 210 page hardcover book endorsed by Mark
Victor Hansen, Jay Abraham, Brian Tracy, Reverend Robert Schuller, Norman
Vincent Peale, Coach Lou Holtz and others. In this breakthrough book that Jack
Canfield, co-author of the #1 New York Times bestselling Chicken Soup for the
Soul, said, “A masterpiece about the true cause of achievement” you’ll find out
what it really takes to be successful... and it’s NOT what you have been told! It’s a
breakthrough in personal success. It’s packed full of powerful, moving stories and
real life examples you can learn from and apply to your very own life to achieve
the things you really want out of life. To find more about knowing what you
want… to get what you want [click here]. This is not the e-book version, this is
a hardcover book.
The Zufelt Experience—The two and a half day event that has already dra-
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90 The DNA of Success
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To find out more about The Zufelt Experience and how it can change your
life [click here].
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6 The Special Force of
Mentoring
Hitch your wagon to a star.
—RALPH WALDO EMERSON
H
aving a mentor I an integral part of getting where you want to go
and achieving what you want to achieve, as fast as possible, with
the fewest mistakes. I consider mentors to be key components of
maximizing your Conquering Force.
In your life, you have probably already enjoyed the help of several
mentors. For example, you may have had a parent, coach, teacher, or asso-
ciate who made a major impact on your life. A mentor could even be some-
one you don’t know personally—someone whose philosophy or example
touched you so deeply you decided to emulate him or her. In some way,
directly or indirectly, these people were there for you. They knew what
they were talking about, and they showed you a better way to achieve.
Why try to reinvent the wheel when you can talk to its inventor? The
person who desires to be successful will always learn from other people’s
successes as well as from their mistakes.
Everyone needs mentors. They are critical in our “The important
quest to enjoy the best our lives have to offer. Mentors thing is to not stop
are ideal if you want to capitalize on the shortcuts asking questions.”
—Albert Einstein
and proven methodologies for creating wealth, closer
91
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92 The DNA of Success
Of whom are you going to ask questions? Obviously you’ll seek someone
who knows the answers. Whom you put your trust in is very important, so
choose carefully. Seek the advice and guidance you need only from people
who have achieved what you want to achieve.
There is a joke I once heard about two friends discussing religion.
Call them James and Joe. James said to Joe, “Obviously you don’t
know anything about the subject.”
“Yes I do,” Joe retorted.
To prove that Joe didn’t know anything about
“Sometimes we religion, James said he would give him five dollars if
may learn more he could quote any of the Ten Commandments.
from a man’s errors Joe accepted the challenge, thought long and
than his virtues.” hard, and then said, “Now I lay me down to sleep, I
—Henry Wadsworth
pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before
Longfellow
I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.”
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The Special Force of Mentoring 93
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94 The DNA of Success
“ J u d g e J u dy” Sheindlin
“When I was four years old, I was enrolled at a dancing school. I studied
ballet, tap, and acrobatics—even though I didn’t exactly fly through the
air with the greatest of ease. After a fairly severe injury, I was excused
from dancing classes until I could bring a note from the doctor. My
parents were smart enough to realize that perhaps dance and acrobatics
weren’t for me. And I was allowed to gracefully withdraw from dancing
school.
“From my experience, I believe that you must find and cultivate the
few things a particular child is naturally good at from the beginning. In
this way, you provide your children with the confidence to take healthy
risks and to learn on their own. Over time, my parents came to realize
that I had strong communication skills and a gift for languages, but I
showed no flair for math or science—I got through those subjects with
difficulty. But as a result of my parents’ understanding, I was able to
view myself as a successful orator, instead of a mediocre mathemati-
cian—an engaging communicator, instead of a failed ballerina. A child
can learn more in a moment of success than can ever be learned in a
month of failures.”
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The Special Force of Mentoring 95
L o u Ti c e
“Most successful people have benefited from a relationship with someone
who served as a mentor to them. Generally, there are three factors that
make a mentor credible to us. First, the mentor is like us in a significant
way. Second, he or she has achieved a measure of personal success in a
relevant field. Finally, he or she has mentored or coached others to suc-
cess in that field. We can hold up the most admirable models, the highest
quality benchmarks, and we can say to our children or to our employees,
‘Here, look at this, and be like this.’ But if we can’t see ourselves being
and doing those things, if the examples we set aren’t assimilated, no last-
ing change will result.
“The best mentors are people who can see more in you than you can
see yourself. They see you not only as you are, but also as you could
be. They don’t focus on your mistakes and shortcomings. Rather, they
describe to you, frequently and vividly, your strength, power, and poten-
tial. Because they are credible, you give sanction to their vision. Over
time, you develop a new internal standard. You say, ‘Yes, that’s me. I am
like that,’ and you act accordingly. Mentors are so convinced that you
have greatness in you—their vision of what is possible for you is so clear
and powerful—that they convince you, too. People naturally move in the
direction of praise—away from harsh criticism. True mentors give you
enhanced self-esteem and self-efficacy.”
C o l i n P o w ell
“Do you enjoy sports and the strenuous life? Do you delight in overcom-
ing obstacles, solving problems, and fixing things? Do you have a passion
for excellence and a healthy desire to succeed? Do you have integrity and
a sense of personal honor? Are you strong enough to be gentle? If you
are that kind of person, then you are eligible for one of the most richly
rewarding challenges that life can offer—mentoring a child. Children
need positive adult role models. The more good role models they have,
the better their chances of growing up into successful and contributing
adult members of society. Mentored youth are 46 percent less likely to
abuse drugs than those without mentors are. Mentored youth also get bet-
ter grades. Mentoring is good for kids and for the whole community. We
need more mentors, and we urgently need more people to take on the chal-
lenge of mentoring. Our youth, especially those who are growing up with-
out fathers and mothers at home, need good role models.
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96 The DNA of Success
“You will get as much back from serving others as you give. Serving
makes you feel good about yourself while making a difference in some-
one else’s life. More than that, giving back improves your own self-confi-
dence and self-esteem, gives you a chance to learn new skills, and allows
you to be a leader. Some men and women have discovered talents they
never knew they had and have even found their life’s work through serv-
ing others.
“You are a vital resource in, and for, your community. Reach out to
other people to make their lives better and help point them in the right
direction. Your energy, your idealism, and your commitment will help ful-
fill the promise of all our citizens.”
When you talk with mentors, ask them very specific questions—not just
about the big picture but about little things, too. I remember talking before
a sales organization and was astounded to learn that one of their sales-
people had more than quadrupled an old sales record in one day—she
had sold twenty-eight people on taking a specific course, which cost four
hundred dollars—and not one of her colleagues had ever asked her to tell
them how she did it!
I suggested that anyone who wanted to become as successful as she
should talk with her about how she achieved such success. Ask about the
details. Did she do any group presentations? If so, how did she set them
up? Did she joke with her prospects? Did she meet them personally, or did
she do it all over the telephone?
If you wanted to perform at the same level as this woman, you would
do what she did, say what she said, and be like her. By asking mentors
questions, you’ll gain new insights and prove that you really want to learn
all you can from them.
Note, however, that many successful people, particularly salespeople
who are peak performers—accumulating accolades and awards—simply
cannot explain what they do and how they do it to others. All their secrets
remain locked up inside them. It isn’t that they’re unwilling to share but
rather that they lack the ability to do so. Despite their level of success,
these people simply don’t have the skills to mentor.
My mentors have taught me many valuable lessons. For instance,
when I take out a pen to write a note or sign contracts, I use a Mont Blanc,
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The Special Force of Mentoring 97
not a Bic. One costs $125, and the other costs 49¢. Both pens write well,
but one makes a statement about your success, and when signing con-
tracts with clients, image is very important. Making the right statement
gives others confidence in me. I also wear a nice watch in business settings
because my mentor told me that wearing a nice watch makes a statement
about your success.
Another mentor taught me to always carry a hundred-dollar bill. It
may seem silly, but you’ll find you have an improved attitude when you
have a hundred dollars in your pocket.
M y wife and I have an unusually strong, close family, and we have raised
five well-behaved children. Having such a family was a genuine Core
Desire for us both, and so we sought out wise mentors. We interviewed
several parents who had, in our opinion, raised exemplary children. We
asked them how they did it, and they willingly shared their viewpoints and
belief systems. They even provided us with specific parenting methods.
For instance, one couple taught us that spanking children isn’t necessary to
discipline them. Another couple, with nine children under the age of four-
teen, taught us how to get our children to be reverent and quiet in church.
We applied what they taught us and found that it worked.
Don’t hesitate to ask others to teach you what you want to know—in
any area of life. By replicating their methods and attitudes, you’ll get simi-
lar results. Finding and working with a mentor should be fun, easy, and
very productive—you need not fly through life by the seat of your pants.
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98 The DNA of Success
You want someone you can talk with easily and comfortably. Some
mentoring prospects will reject your requests, so you should be willing to
reject those who just don’t fit your bill. Mentoring is a two-way street.
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The Special Force of Mentoring 99
Provide your mentors with all the truthful information they need to
make wise suggestions.
You must level with mentors, because they can’t help you if you are
holding back information or only share half-truths with them. Ask men-
tors to tell you what they think you need to change or improve—even if it
might hurt your feelings. Be specific when you would prefer the informa-
tion you’re providing to remain confidential.
Let your mentors know when their services are no longer needed.
Let your mentors know when you are ready to move on. You’ll rely on
some mentors for a day, others for a year, and you’ll want some mentors
at your side for as long as you live. If you know a mentor’s usefulness to
you has come to an end, it’s time to send the person a small gift and a let-
ter, letting them know how much help they’ve given you and giving them
a heartfelt thanks for their services, advice, and help.
http://www.dnaofsuccess.com
100 The DNA of Success
SUGGESTED RESOURCES
S u c c e s s & Achievement
How To Use The Conquering Force Within You—This 8-session personal
development course shows you how to discover the inner key to achieve success
in your life. I shatter conventional self-help theories and techniques that well-
meaning Self-Help Guru’s have been telling you for the past 75 years. What’s
the GOOD news? When we are finished you will have a simple, never before
revealed, step-by-step blueprint of how to achieve exactly what you want in life
and the true cause for success in life—including making more money, complete
time freedom, unshakeable confidence, success in your job, business or whatever
you desire—and it’s easier then you think.
It goes into detail about the foundation for all success and achievement. It
also shows you how to:
• Tap into your own limitless source of true inspiration and self-motivation.
• How to isolate the single, root cause of all success.
• Zero in on the automatic mechanism that will propel you into sustained,
perpetual, proper action, focus and excitement.
• How to finally stop wasting your time and money on concepts that just
don’t work.
• Empower you with the knowledge and ability to overcome stubborn obsta-
cles like fear, stress, lack of money and procrastination once and for all.
What would your life be like if you could overcome those obstacles?
For more information on this resource, as well as a FREE special report
entitled, “If Goal Setting, Positive Thinking, Affirmations, Self-Talk, Dream
Building, Visualizations, Chanting, Fire Walking and Ever Other Technique That
Self-Help Guru’s Preach Actually Work… Then Why Are They Failing Miserably
For You?” [Click here to read the report].
The DNA of Success—This is the 210 page hardcover book endorsed by Mark
Victor Hansen, Jay Abraham, Brian Tracy, Reverend Robert Schuller, Norman
Vincent Peale, Coach Lou Holtz and others. In this breakthrough book that Jack
Canfield, co-author of the #1 New York Times bestselling Chicken Soup for the
Soul, said, “A masterpiece about the true cause of achievement” you’ll find out
what it really takes to be successful... and it’s NOT what you have been told! It’s a
breakthrough in personal success. It’s packed full of powerful, moving stories and
real life examples you can learn from and apply to your very own life to achieve
the things you really want out of life. To find more about knowing what you
want… to get what you want [click here]. This is not the e-book version, this is
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PART 3
Application
Areas
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7 Creating Great Family
Relationships
No other success can compensate for failure in
the home.
—DAVID O. MCKAY
W
hen asked what is most important to them, most people respond
with one word—family. When you have a family where love is
expressed, and shown, the benefits are overwhelming. A happy
family where respect, laughter, love, and fun exist is truly a bit of heaven
on earth.
If your spouse is thoughtful, supportive, a teammate, and a friend,
you’ll attain greater happiness in all areas of life. If your children are
close to you, bonding as siblings, developing mentally, physically, and
spiritually, who can measure the joy you will know? When the trials of
the world weigh heavily upon you, your family becomes a true source of
strength, encouragement, and peace—a shelter from
the storm.
“A family is but an
How can you create a satisfactory family life and
earlier heaven.”
still have everything you want in other areas? Is it —Sir John Bowring
possible to have a great family life while still accom-
plishing much outside the home? Not only is it pos-
sible—it must be done. Many parents achieve this balance every day.
105
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106 The DNA of Success
In all of areas of life, the driving force that causes anything to happen
with a high degree of joy and satisfaction is a Core Desire. If your desire
is there, it’s assured that you can achieve a close family unit. The results
you achieve will be directly proportional to what you want and what you
do. How soon you achieve your desired results is also directly related to
how much you want them. If you are committed to something 100 percent
in your family relationships, you can achieve it—especially if you seek
direction on how to make it happen.
To achieve satisfying family unity, you need to be very clear about
your Core Desires regarding your relationships. Virtually everything you
want in your family has to do with feelings. For example, you may want to
feel closer to your spouse because this makes you feel accepted, appreci-
ated, valuable, and loved.
P o e t r y i n S tages
My wife loves poetry, and for years I did not. In the early years of our
marriage she tried to share her love for poetry with me, but I told her I just
wasn’t interested. I was never very sensitive or considerate about it either.
Later I came to learn that not only did I hurt her feelings, but by being so
adamant in my distaste, I forced part of her to close down. Not being able
to share something so important with me limited our relationship.
I couldn’t envision acquiring a taste for poetry, let alone ever becom-
ing enamored with it, as she was. This was a major obstacle I didn’t
know how to overcome. I began asking myself what my Core Desires
were concerning my wife. I want to know all about her—to truly under-
stand her heart. When I am able to give her what she needs and wants,
we feel closer.
I could easily see that my Core Desire was never going to be poetry,
but understanding her was already a 100 on my Core Desire Scale. Once I
understood this, I began to want to know why poetry touched her so much.
What was it about poetry that made her happy? When I asked her these
questions, she lit up. I could see that I was bringing her a great deal of joy
just by caring enough to ask.
This was the first stage of my poetry experience with my wife. After
understanding the impact poetry could have on her, I was motivated to
please her, in some way, in this matter. Since we go on dates every Friday
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Creating Great Family Relationships 107
Family life is always in flux, and sometimes these changes can be subtle,
or take place over time. It is easy to say that we all need to achieve balance
in our lives, but it can be hard to do—especially when we think balance
means spending equal time in each area of life. Mothers can’t compre-
hend how to achieve balance with just one child, let alone three or four.
Likewise, career people often feel that they are too busy to achieve bal-
ance—that their job controls too much of their time.
Once you know your Core Desires and understand what balance really
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108 The DNA of Success
is, you’ll more readily attain it. A balanced life should be the kind of a life
where you have achieved a high level of harmony and satisfaction in all
areas—at the same time.
A person who seeks wealth at the expense of family relationships,
health, or peace of mind is not only not living a balanced life but is being
robbed of the great joy to be found in the areas being ignored. The reverse
can also be true. People who are so focused on family that they can’t—or
won’t—do what it takes to earn the money needed to support the life-
style they want are living an unbalanced life. These are people who are
so focused on other things that they end up ignoring the most important
people in their lives—their families.
You cannot achieve balance by seeing life as a matter of set hours
devoted to all areas. By trying to give equal time, you quickly run out of
hours. When you do the math, you’ll find you sleep about eight hours out
of twenty-four. If you work, your job requires at least eight hours, leaving
you just eight hours to focus on family, spiritual, and mental well-being.
No wonder most of us try to cram so much into the weekends.
Achieving daily—or even weekly—balance is very difficult for most
people. However, you can certainly achieve balance over a fifteen- to
thirty-day time frame. It is not only possible, but also very rewarding and
important. If, in that period of time, you find any of your Core Desires in
any area of life unfulfilled, you give them the attention needed to fill that
particular cup.
When you are hungry, you eat. When your heart
You can achieve
aches or longs for fulfillment in any area, do some-
and maintain
close family thing about it. Whenever you feel that something
relationships if you important in your life is missing, that’s a signal you
are unselfish and are overlooking one of your Core Desires.
caring. Successful Balance means that we are getting whatever we
family relationships want in all areas of life. Living with a deficit for a
involve frequent prolonged period always results in unhappiness, dis-
giving, but there content, depression, burnout, stress, and continually
must be balance thinking the grass is greener on the other side of the
here. No family fence.
member can Because your children grow up and become
always be just
adults before you know it, you must make the tran-
a giver without
sition with them—treating them appropriately by
the relationship
recognizing when your job of parenting is over and
deteriorating.
offering advice only upon request. As your own par-
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Creating Great Family Relationships 109
ents age, you may find yourself in reverse roles. So flexibility, giving,
sharing, patience, and forgiveness are all keys to success in long-lasting,
bountiful, and fulfilling family relationships.
If you can communicate with candor and honesty, you will find you can
achieve an incredible closeness and unity with others, as well as enhanced
communication from them in return. A USA Today article, “Keys to
Keeping Your Mate,” reported the results of a survey about what people
considered most important to maintaining a good relationship with their
partner:
Honesty 96%
Discuss feelings 95%
Being good friends 92%
Fidelity to mate 91 %
Support, encouragement 88%
Keeping romance alive 78%
Good sexual relationship 68%
Sharing financial goals 65%
Sharing religious values 52%
Sharing career goals 42%
Notice that the most important values are honesty, being open about
feelings, and being good friends.
One of the most serious problems in relationships is a lack of honest com-
munication. Most of the time we fail to communicate about core issues openly
and honestly. We err on the side of tact and diplomacy. Sometimes, in order
to communicate effectively, you have to be candid—or even blunt. Since trust
is the foundation of all close relationships, you can’t sacrifice honesty just
because you can’t find a way to say whatever you have to say tactfully.
Sometimes you have to tell someone that they are behaving or doing
something unacceptable—or that they have offended you in some way.
Be open and honest, but show an increase of love and acceptance thereaf-
ter. This is especially appropriate in marriages and with children but also
applies to your business associates, extended family, and everyone with
whom you interact.
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110 The DNA of Success
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Creating Great Family Relationships 111
You cannot solve problems within the family by ignoring them. When
ignored, problems only grow. Be willing to both give and receive honest
praise and honest feedback—both positive and negative—and let other
family members know where they stand with you. Be honest and open at
all times, and eliminate game-playing.
According to one divorce lawyer I know, the biggest reason couples
split up is their inability to talk honestly, bare their souls, and treat each
other as best friends. Often when couples are dating, they play games with
one another—always trying to put their best foot forward—and talk mostly
about superficial things in order to impress each other. After the wedding,
these couples find it hard to talk, hard to layout a week’s plan—let alone a
life’s plan. They fail to anticipate that their interests and ideas will change
with age. They talk right through each other—rather than to each other—
on important matters. This lack of communication often brings on drink-
ing, infidelity, and physical and mental abuse.
I know a successful single father of two children. Being without a
mate hasn’t stopped him from balancing a busy home life with serving
as president of his own firm. His Core Desires are to make his family
work and still be highly successful in each of life’s areas. He said to me
one day, “I leave the company at the office. When I am home, I turn my
attention to my two girls. You have to be able to talk—and listen—to
your kids. They have their own views and opinions, and it’s important
that you listen.”
Maybe you know you have certain shortcomings that are standing in the
way of attaining better relationships with the ones you love. Perhaps this
quiz can help bring them to the foreground and help you begin to under-
stand what holds you back.
Emotional Intelligence
Am I affectionate? Do I readily and frequently show my love?
Do my family members consider me to be warm?
Do I pout and shut down emotionally when I am hurt or angry?
Do I stuff and hide my emotions?
Do I express my emotions appropriately, both verbally and nonver-
bally?
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112 The DNA of Success
Controlling Behaviors
Am I too bossy?
Am I quick to anger with family members? Am I demanding with
family members?
Am I controlling of my spouse and children? Do I want things my
way only?
Do I interfere in the lives of my adult children?
Maintaining Relationships
Am I quick to apologize when I’m wrong? Am I accessible to family
members?
Do I help members of my family with their problems? Am I generous
and sincere in giving compliments? Do I have fun with my family
members?
Making Contributions
Do I do my fair share around the house?
Do I help set—and uphold—family standards? Do I try to set a good
example at all times?
Can my family members depend on me? Am I there for them?
Do my contributions outside the family make them proud of me?
HUSBAND-WIFE RELATIONSHIPS
Spending time with each family member is important, but it’s especially
imperative with your spouse. Children may come into your lives and add
to the relationship you already enjoy, but never ignore your mate. My wife
has helped me become the kind of man I want to be. Without her I could
not have been successful in a business, improved in character, or have the
peace and harmony I now enjoy.
As a spouse, it is your responsibility to help your mate become all
he or she can be. If you aren’t encouraging your spouse to move in the
direction he or she wants to, then you’re robbing yourself of the pleasure
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Creating Great Family Relationships 113
R e a l I n t i m acy
There was a time when my wife and I realized we were not as close as
we would like to be. Life had become very hectic for us, with four little
ones to keep us busy, and I allowed my business to take way too much of
my time. After we acknowledged the situation, we decided to start dat-
ing again—doing something more than just having dinner and seeing a
movie.
We decided to do the things we had done before we were married—we
played board games, walked the malls, or just sat on the grass in the park
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114 The DNA of Success
talking and laughing. This brought the life back into our relationship that
we had allowed to slip away.
You must devote quality time to any relationship, but don’t just put in
time, or it may become routine and empty. If it is a Core Desire for you to
have a close, fun, intimate relationship with your spouse, you will want to
learn all you can about relationships from a variety of sources.
Marci and I like to take classes and courses that will help enhance our
relationship. Once, we found a seminar that was a must for us—although I
didn’t know it at the time. Marci had found an ad in the paper for an adult
education course at a local university, and she brought it to my attention.
When I saw it was a course on intimacy, I looked at Marci, kind of puzzled,
and asked her, “Why do we need this?” The very idea that I had to ask was
a clue that we needed it. Marci really wanted to take the course, but I was
somewhat resistant because I thought I already knew what intimacy was.
Although I knew it was not my Core Desire to take a six-week course
on intimacy—especially when I thought I already knew all about it—I
recognized that it was my Core Desire to please my wife and make her
happy, so I went to the class, unaware of benefits to come. The teacher was
dynamic and knowledgeable, and I learned an amazing amount, including
that my male perspective on intimacy differed greatly from the female
perspective.
Once we both learned what intimacy really was—something much
more than physical intimacy—our relationship soared to new heights.
This seminar required only six hours over six weeks, but it changed our
relationship forever. I never realized how much I didn’t know. Initially I
went to the course to support my wife and make her happy. I may even
have gone grudgingly, expecting to be bored out of my mind. But when
I arrived and started learning all the very interesting things that make up
intimacy, I realized that until that moment, they were foreign concepts to
me, and I was amazed.
I learned that there are three levels of intimacy: spiritual, emotional, and
physical. I had them the other way around, thinking intimacy was strictly a
physical activity. Boy, was I wrong. I was oblivious to the basic facts, and
that kept me from experiencing true spiritual and emotional intimacy.
Each week we were given assignments and asked to practice lessons
before the next class. One week it was the husbands’ turn to do the assign-
ment. Before giving the assignment, the instructor told the men that she
had to tell us something very important—something that would be an eye-
opener for us—getting us all on the edge of our chairs.
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Creating Great Family Relationships 115
“Husbands, women like to be held. Just held. Period.” That was it—
the big eye-opener. Then she gave us our assignment. We were to pick a
time during the week when there weren’t any distractions; the children
were to be in bed, the TV off. We were just to sit someplace and hold our
wives. My response was one of confidence: “I can do that. That’s certainly
within the scope of my abilities.”
On Saturday night after the kids were tucked in, I went and got Marci
and told her I was ready to do my homework. I took her by the hand and
led her into the living room, where we sat on the sofa. As I put my arm
around her, she snuggled up to me. It was clear how much she enjoyed
this, and I was proud of myself.
Approximately three or four minutes into this exercise, I needed some
clarification. I am not a stupid man, but like most, I have been known to
be a little dense in matters of a woman’s heart. I quietly said, “Honey, I’m
real clear that I am not going any further physically—I know I am not to
kiss you or touch—just hold you. But can we talk?”
“No, just hold me,” she said sweetly.
A few more minutes passed, and I was looking all around the room,
biding my time. The television was right in front of us, and the remote
control was within reach. I said, “Honey, I have another question. Can we
watch television while I’m holding you?”
“No. Just hold me,” she quickly replied.
It was obvious that my question was unwise because I definitely heard
irritation in her voice. And this is where it all went wrong: when I raised
my left arm and looked at my watch. This was not a good idea. She saw
me, and it sent her a bad message. She became upset and immediately got
up off the couch and stormed into the kitchen. I called after her saying,
“What’s the matter?”
“You wouldn’t understand,” she said.
“Marci, this isn’t right! I was holding you . . . wasn’t I?”
“Yes.”
“Then what’s your problem?” I thought I was right and that she was
the one with the problem.
I was simply wrong, and we never achieved inti-
macy that night. We both got hurt—and mad.
“Wherever you go,
Over the next day or two, we got past this prob- go with all your
lem and never brought it up again. Three weeks later, heart.”
I went away on a speaking tour for five days. I missed —Confucius
Marci terribly on that trip. When I arrived home, she
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116 The DNA of Success
dashed to meet me at the door and gave me a hug. I could only embrace her
with my right arm, however, because I was carrying a heavy suitcase in my
left hand. There we were, holding each other tightly. I was looking into her
eyes—I had missed her so much when I was away and felt so much love
for her in that instant that I felt tears well up in my eyes as I expressed my
love and appreciation to her.
Then the light came on for me. I whispered, “This is intimacy,
isn’t it?”
L ove is a genuine concern for the growth and happiness of others. Your
relationship with your spouse will grow dramatically when you share
intimacy on all levels and bring mutual respect to your relationship. Simply
saying, “I love you” won’t melt anyone’s heart if it is said without emo-
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Creating Great Family Relationships 117
tion. Try putting your arms around your partner and saying, “I’m sorry I
made you think there are times when I don’t love you. I do love you very
much, and 1’d hate to think of what my life would be like without you.”
You can feel the difference.
P a r a d i s e F ound
Once, I went to the Grand Cayman Islands to speak at a two-week seminar.
I was without my wife the first week, and so I never noticed the paradise
that surrounded me. I called my wife and asked her to join me for the sec-
ond week. The moment she stepped off the plane, Grand Cayman became
paradise. The rest of the trip was glorious and fun-filled because I was
sharing the beautiful place with the person I loved. I realized that paradise
is not where you are, but whom you’re with.
APOLOGIZING
A sincere and honest apology goes a long way to solve problems and patch
hurt feelings. But an apology that carries with it even a hint of anger or
unresolved feelings may as well not have been uttered at all. Saying, “I’m
sorry, all right?” just doesn’t cut it. If your heart isn’t in it, it’s not really an
apology. An apology takes genuine feelings of regret and must be accom-
panied with conciliatory actions and statements.
For example, try saying, “Honey, I’m sorry I didn’t call you tonight. I
knew you were fixing dinner, but I just got sidetracked, and I blew it. What
can I do to make it up to you? I promise I’ll call next time. Will you forgive
me?” See how much more that rings with sincerity? Your heart is in this
kind of apology. (Note that often you can’t come up with apologies like
that without some thought and preparation.) You will be willing to apolo-
gize—even when it means swallowing your pride—if it is a Core Desire
to be close to your spouse. If it is a Core Desire to be happy and maintain
peace in your home, you will focus on what’s right instead of who’s right.
You will apologize quickly, so the relationship can regain its intimacy. You
will realize that it’s “our problem” to solve, rather than pointing out fault.
This attitude allows the two of you to come together as a team and solve
any problem.
It is also important for children to hear their parents apologize, to each
other and also to them, when they make mistakes. I once accused my two
oldest children of breaking a lamp. They denied doing it, but I didn’t listen
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118 The DNA of Success
RESOLVING DISPUTES
In our family, we do not allow our children to fight with each other. We
encourage them to express their feelings—they may be angry and hurt—
but they cannot scream at one another, hit each other, or call each other
names. Working it out is the only acceptable behavior. We frequently have
to show them how to work it out, but this is how they learn.
In the long run, nothing is more important than marriage and family.
There will be times in life when you must work extra hours to finish a
project, travel, study, or prepare for a performance. During those times,
your family will receive less time and attention. But rather than feel guilty
about that, allow it to create a consciousness and a commitment to make
it up.
Spending time with family makes good sense, and pays big dividends.
What’s more, it doesn’t take a big income to enjoy yourself. Once, my
wife and I asked a rather poor but very much in love couple how they were
able to enjoy each other so much. They told us that they would put the
children to bed and then they would have a date in their own kitchen. They
would start with a candlelight dinner and end up playing board games. It
sounded a little corny to start with, but we took their suggestion and found
that if you play fun games you both like, you don’t need to spend money.
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Creating Great Family Relationships 119
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120 The DNA of Success
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122 The DNA of Success
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Creating Great Family Relationships 123
you are feeling. If you make it a habit to tell—and show—the ones you love
how you feel about them, they will realize the depth of your love. Letting
your children see expressions of love between you and your spouse gives
children a sense of security that cannot be obtained in any other manner.
Put honest feelings into everything you do or say—whether express-
ing sorrow, trust, unhappiness, joy, anger, disgust, shame, disappointment,
or unconditional love. When no emotions are evidenced, children and
spouses can only guess. Be real with your feelings, so they can be real
with theirs.
Once, I was wrestling with my five-year-old son, and my daughter,
three years old at the time, kept saying to me, “Daddy, let me play with
you, let me play too.” She wanted to join in, but I rejected her request. I
had planned to take care of her feelings later, but that wasn’t good enough
for her. She continued to ask if she could play until finally I gave in. I
picked her up and tossed her onto the couch, tickling her for a few brief
seconds, making her laugh and giggle. Then I resumed chasing after my
son, and we continued our roughhousing. Moments later, I saw my daugh-
ter standing next to us, looking hurt and ready to cry. Feeling guilty, I
asked what was the matter.
“I want to play with you,” she whimpered.
“I picked you up and threw you on the couch, didn’t I?” “Yes,” she
said quietly.
“And I tickled you and made you laugh, didn’t I?”
“Yes.”
“Then I was playing with you, wasn’t I?”
“But Daddy, it didn’t feel like you were playing with me.” She was
right, I was just going through the motions.
Another time, our five-year-old son took a pair of scissors and cut his
shirt pocket, for the second time. My wife was upset, as she had really
given him what-for the first time around and thought she had put an end
to this behavior. “Why do you do that? Do you think it’s funny or some-
thing?” she asked.
He smiled, as if in agreement, but I saw a flicker of fear in his expres-
sion. I could see he really was afraid, and maybe even ashamed.
I put my arm around him and asked him, “What are you feeling right
now?”
He burst into tears and then told me he was scared. When I asked him
why he had cut his shirt, he had no answer. He was probably just goofing
around, but he learned to deal with real feelings, and he felt very bad.
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124 The DNA of Success
Marci came to his side, put her arms around him, and asked sincerely
what she could do to help. All our other children did the same, gathering
around him and encouraging him never to do it again.
F. E. R. D .A. C. C.
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Creating Great Family Relationships 125
Feelings
“Train up a child in
Addressing and dealing with your children’s feelings
the way he should
teaches them that their feelings are not only real to go, and when he
them but important to you as well. Take care of your is old he will not
child’s feelings as you would have yours taken care depart from it.”
of. By treating your children as little people with real —Proverbs 22:6
feelings and showing them that their feelings mat-
ter to you, you’ll watch them grow up with the self-
assurance that they have great worth and are important. Being sensitive to
their wishes, feelings, and concerns doesn’t mean that you always give in
to them or allow them to have their way.
E x p e c t a t i o ns
Children usually become what you expect them to be. If they understand
what is expected of them, they will eventually learn to provide it. Children
may occasionally seem to depart from our teachings, but if we have high
expectations of them, they will evolve to become well adjusted, happy
adults. Youngsters need to know what is expected of them, as well as what
they can expect from life.
Children need parents to set limits and boundaries for them. When
raising our five children, we taught them that when they are small, their
boundaries are narrow because they don’t yet know what they are doing.
As they grow older and more mature, their boundaries will widen as they
take positive actions and make wise decisions. If they act immature or in
a way that is harmful, the boundaries will be constricted, and some deci-
sions will be made for them. The more they behave as adults do, the more
they will be treated as such. Our children soon learned that they were the
ones who controlled the boundaries, not us. We want them to have as much
freedom as they can emotionally handle.
Tell your children that their judgment is valued.
You can do this be providing all the known facts Be sure the high
about the matter at hand, asking for their opinion, expectations
you have for
and implementing their best ideas.
your children are
motivated by what
Respect is best for the
As adults, we often expect respect from our children. child—and don’t
But respect should be bestowed on them as well. reflect only what
Treat children as you would want to be treated, or as you want.
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126 The DNA of Success
Attention
It goes without saying that children need a lot of attention. A woman I
know had a two-year-old toddler who was getting into everything. She
worked full-time, and when she came home at the end of a long day, the
child would scream and hang on to her, demand-
“Foolishness is ing her attention. “He is driving me crazy,” she said
bound in the heart to me. “I can’t get anything done because he is so
of a child; but the demanding.”
rod of correction “Does he do that with your husband or with his
shall drive it far grandmother?” I asked her.
from him.” “No,” she said.
—Proverbs 22:15
“Just with you?”
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Creating Great Family Relationships 127
“Yes.”
I suggested that before the child began to scream Children want and
and pull on her leg, she might pull up a chair and need our attention
from infancy to well
let him stand to watch her cook, or get him involved
into adulthood.
with whatever she was doing.
Studies have shown that babies who are held and
cuddled grow faster and healthier than those who are not. When a baby
isn’t getting the attention it deserves, it often cries until someone picks it
up.
Whenever possible and appropriate, involve your children in every
aspect of your life. We hear a lot today about spending quality time—as
opposed to quantity time. Because most families are so busy, they find
they have limited time, patience, and energy, but there must be a happy
medium between quality and quantity. If Dad spends two hours a day
with his nose stuck in a paper while Junior plays on the floor, that’s nei-
ther quantity nor quality time. At the opposite end of the scale, ten min-
utes per day of intense time spent with a young person isn’t enough to
be considered quality time either—let alone quantity time. It is impor-
tant to find the balance and provide your children with the attention they
need.
C o m p l i m e n ts and Consistency
Use compliments instead of criticism with your children. Try to be posi-
tive and always see the good side of people and situations, emphasizing
the desirable traits of your children. Compliment who they are, not just
what they do. If your children think that you are impressed with what they
did, they will spend the rest of their lives always trying to measure up,
perform, and be okay in your eyes. Help them distin-
guish between what they do wrong and who they are. “Went fishing with
If you must criticize, criticize the action—not the my son today—day
child—trying not to make the criticism personal. wasted.”
Consistency is always key with children. —Charles Francis
Children whose parents are constantly changing the Adams
rules—lenient one day and strict the next—end up “Went fishing with
confused. Children need to be able to trust the bound- my father—the
aries you have set and trust that they are loved. If you most wonderful day
of my life.”
say you will do something for them, or with them,
—his son,
you are obligated to do so. Finally, be consistent in Brook Adams
your discipline.
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128 The DNA of Success
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8 Achieving Your Financial
Desires
The way to wealth, if you desire it, is as plain
as the way to market.
—BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
I
went from a low income to being in the top 0.5 percent in the nation in
earnings in less than two years—and I only have a high school edu-
cation. I am living proof that the lack of a formal education is not a
hindrance to high income or happiness. I was driven by a Core Desire to
make money because I hated being broke and I loved what money would
give me. These are the real reasons people make money. Many different
vehicles exist to make money, but it’s your desire to make money that will
drive you to success in that area.
Knowing that the power of the Conquering Force does not allow
weaknesses or a lack of current ability to keep you from achieving and
succeeding, you can face your financial fears and doubts.
First, let’s get clear on what you must do—and become—to create the
kind of income or financial freedom you want. It’s more than just doing
the right things or being involved in a good opportunity. You must have or
acquire the right paradigm about yourself. When you acquire the proper
self-paradigm, you will find that making money is not so hard if you desire
it. Many say they want it, but they resist making the necessary changes.
If you truly have a Core Desire to improve your financial situa-
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130 The DNA of Success
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Achieving Your Financial Desires 131
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132 The DNA of Success
To attain optimum fiscal fitness and balance, you will need to:
Clearly define your financial Core Desires.
Ask the Core Desire Search Questions, and pay close attention to
what is revealed. You will be surprised by your real motivation for
more money. Remember that you’re only interested in Core Desires—
not what you think would be “nice to have.”
Does being financially fit mean having more money? To most peo-
ple the answer is yes. How much more money? Do you want to be
financially independent or just free from financial worry?
Define the self-image and characteristics you must have to achieve
financial fitness.
Don’t be discouraged if you don’t think you have what it takes.
Even if you lack the knowledge, experience, and contacts, don’t
worry; if you have the Core Desires, you can—and will—get the rest.
The critical thing is the self-image and attitude you have. If you think
that you must have a college degree to become financially well off,
think again.
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Achieving Your Financial Desires 133
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Achieving Your Financial Desires 135
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136 The DNA of Success
Steve L. was the proud and profitable owner of a gold mine in another
country. He was sitting on top of the world when the
“Do or do not. There government nationalized his business, taking over
is no try.” his mine and providing no compensation. He lost it
—Yoda, the Jedi
all overnight, and yet he picked up the pieces and
Master in Star Wars
started all over again.
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Achieving Your Financial Desires 137
Kathleen Deoul applied for a job at a large company and was turned
down, but she persisted. One year and nine interviews later, her
perseverance paid off when a company chose her as the first woman
ever hired for a sales position on the East Coast. In spite of the
daunting discrimination she endured, her relentless drive positioned
her as the company’s first major account representative. In her first
year, she ranked in the top ten out of more than three hundred sales
reps, breaking through several glass ceilings.
Having gone as high as she could go in that company, she left and
started her own company. She became a leader in providing executive
office suites for Department of Defense contractors, doing business
with the Pentagon and the navy.
At the age of forty-two, while pregnant, she was stricken with
a debilitating disease. She dealt with tremendous pain, an inability
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138 The DNA of Success
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Achieving Your Financial Desires 139
and could not afford to feed his nine children. He Don’t say, “I am not
was “financially terminal,” at rock bottom, and the entrepreneur
in great despair. At age forty he had expected to type.” You can be
be rich and famous. Instead he was broke and whatever “type”
embarrassed. you want to be. Not
Dave began a home-based business as an all entrepreneurs
independent distributor of health products of a operate or act the
large Japanese company, and this time things same way.
were very different. He was able to generate
over two hundred thousand dollars in income in
the first year. Now he has eleven children, is debt free, and enjoys
an annual seven-figure income. More importantly, he spends his days
achieving his Core Desires—teaching, training, and helping others.
He is making a difference in lives all over the world, just as he always
wanted to do.
Dave’s problems and challenges paved the way for his financial
success. His struggles and failures strengthened and taught him. With
each misstep, he moved closer to what he really wanted. Once he was
clear about his Core Desire, it unleashed his Conquering Force, and
with that force he overcame huge obstacles.
Dave credits his success to a powerful and overwhelming desire to
make a difference. He knows that obstacles may slow you down, but
they cannot stop you.
No obstacle can keep you away from a 100 on your Core Desire
Scale. If you truly want to have more income, you have the ability
within you to create it. You must identify the risks involved with
your venture, then move forward as if they don’t exist. Be willing
to fail—the average entrepreneur has 3.8 failures before finally
achieving a success. True entrepreneurs never accept defeat.
Failure bothers them, but they are driven by Core Desires so they
keep going.
R. H. Macy failed seven times before his New York department store
became a success.
John Creasey, the prolific English novelist, received more than seven
hundred rejection slips before finding a publisher and going on to
publish over five hundred books.
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140 The DNA of Success
Can you see yourself making ten million dollars? Even if you can’t, maybe
you can see yourself earning fifty thousand or a hundred thousand dollars
more. Are earnings like this possible, or probable, in your line of work?
You can create any amount of money you want, if it is really a Core Desire.
Find one—or more—mentors to show you how to do it, follow their advice,
and acquire their success attributes and characteristics.
If you worry about money, you probably feel powerless to make more,
but this just isn’t true. All you need to do is change your attitude, see the
light at the end of the tunnel, and excitedly begin working on your new
solution. But if you believe that hard work alone will be the answer to
improving your finances, then your paradigm may be
“If money is keeping you from experiencing financial success.
your hope for I know many hardworking people who never
independence you seem to have enough money. My parents retired on
will never have about sixteen hundred dollars a month—and they
it. The only real were two of the hardest working people I know. Hard
security that a
work alone isn’t the answer—unless it is hard work
man [or woman]
applied properly in areas that can create wealth, com-
will have in this
world is a reserve
bined with correct self-paradigms and a Core Desire
of knowledge, to do so. Once you unleash your Conquering Force,
experience, and you automatically have the enthusiasm to work toward
ability.” any financial objective you identify, whether it is an
—Henry Ford additional five hundred dollars a month or a million
dollars in net worth. It doesn’t matter how you choose
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Achieving Your Financial Desires 141
to make money. But you will have to do things differently and be some-
thing more than you are at this time. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure
can help you get rid of many of the things that cause unhappiness.
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9 Enhancing Your Self-Image
Never esteem anything as an advantage to you
that will make you break your word or lose your
self-respect.
—MARCUS AURELIUS ANTONINUS
S
uccess is an inside job. Even if your body and mind are ready, will-
ing, and able to learn and do whatever is necessary to get the job
done, a negative self-image may stop you.
Although we create many outward images of ourselves—so we can
interact with or impress others and sell our ideas or services—we only
have one self-image. The way we view ourselves determines the level of
success we attain in anything. To achieve more success, some parts of our
sense of self will have to change.
Your inward impression of yourself controls much of what you cre-
ate in your life. When someone says, “Good morning, how are you?” you
probably answer, “Fine,” regardless of any troubles you may be having.
The image you project is often very different from your true sense of self.
Because your level of success and happiness is controlled by your inte-
rior self-image, you must try to ensure that your exterior image and your
interior image are in sync. If you can’t match your self-worth with your exte-
rior image, your ability to achieve at the highest levels will be restricted.
Try this exercise. Put the palms of your hands together with the fingers
aligned as if in prayer. These hands pressing gently together represent you.
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144 The DNA of Success
Now twist your wrists, keeping your hands together, until the back of your
right hand is facing away from your face. The right hand with its back fac-
ing out is the side of you that you want and allow the world to see. In fact,
you present it to the world all the time. You put your best foot forward. It
is the side of you that is happy, fine, capable, reliable, strong, honest, trust-
worthy, caring, sensitive, and thoughtful. This is your positive side.
Your left hand is the one only you can see. It’s the side of you that isn’t
so good. This is the side of you that’s not strong, that is lonely or hurting,
that has faults, is afraid, unhappy, easily angered, and not confident. This
is your not-so-positive side.
Which side is the real you—the positive side or the not-so-positive
side? The truth is, you are both. One side does not negate the other. Just
because you have faults, failures, or insecurities doesn’t negate the fact that
you have strengths, wonderful attributes, and abilities to get things done.
Yet most people tend to let their not-so-positive side reduce the strengths
on the positive side. They focus on the not-so-good side of themselves,
saying, “I know I’m a good person, but . . . .”
If the image you have of yourself consists of only undistinguished
and unexceptional qualities—or all the things you are not—then your self-
image is discrediting your positive attributes. You can be—and in fact
are—both at the same time. For example, if you get a pimple on your nose,
isn’t that all you see when you look in the mirror? Even though the rest of
your face is just fine, you worry about the one blemish. But your pimple
does not negate the wonderfulness of all your other features.
You can choose to put the not-so-positive side into proper perspective
by no longer making it your focus. Once you have the right perspective,
you are free to see all the good things about yourself. You can see that you
have a profusion of strengths and abilities.
When people operate from the not-sa-positive side, they give them-
selves negative labels, saying, “I don’t really have what it takes,” or ‘Tm
not cut out for this.” Often these labels are not true, but if they are your
truth, a negative self-image results and affects your confidence, perfor-
mance, and happiness.
To better understand how both sides are valuable to you, try another
exercise. Put your hands in front of your chest, as if praying. Press them
together as hard as you can, having someone hold your wrists at the same
time. Now have them quickly pull your hands apart, moving one hand
toward yourself and the other toward your partner. No matter how strong
you are, or how hard you try, you will not be able to keep your hands
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Enhancing Your Self-Image 145
together. Just as you are weak in trying to hold your hands together, you
will be weakened if you consider your inner and outer selves as two sepa-
rate beings.
Try this exercise again, this time interlocking your fingers. In this
position, your hands cannot be pulled apart—you are strong now. As you
can see, our weaknesses can actually make us stronger. Weaknesses tend
to make us more humble and teachable. If you can believe that a weakness
is truly a gift from God, then you must also believe that God will show you
your weakness and make it your strength.
As a child, my weakness was my cowardice. That weakness prompted
me to excel at karate. My lack of self-esteem as a young boy living on the
Navajo reservation was one reason I decided to become a professional
speaker and help others—so I could feel better about myself. My weak-
nesses have made me stronger.
If you are prone to take charge of a job and do it well, you are most
likely driven by a weakness. This weakness could be a feeling of infe-
riority that makes you go out of your way to do well. Your feelings of
inadequacy may cause you to be a top performer. In order to control the
outcome, you have to take charge. Perhaps you have a need to be noticed,
praised, or acknowledged that causes you to excel.
I know many people who appear to be very strong—they look and
act like confident, make-it-happen, take-charge people. They get the job
done, reach out to others, and are there to help whenever they can. Many
are known for their caring hearts. But if they stop helping others, they feel
empty and much of their joy goes away. On the surface, they seem fine,
but inside they just aren’t happy. For these people, helping others is like
getting an emotional fix. They must help others to feel okay inside.
When I ask, “Who takes care of you?” I frequently hear, “No one.”
Such people feel lonely and are either unaware of their need to be taken
care of or try to ignore it and meet their needs by helping others. Often
the reason they reach out to others is because they know how bad it feels
not to be taken care of. Because of our weaknesses—or needs—we feel
powerful or compassionate, but we can still be left searching for our own
happiness. When we are just givers, our own emotional resources quickly
become drained.
O p r a h Wi n f rey
“One of my strongest memories is of being at a boxing match where Mike
Tyson was fighting Tyrell Biggs. I remember hearing the announcer say,
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146 The DNA of Success
‘In this comer, wearing black trunks, and weighing 218 pounds, Mike
Tyson.’ He was exactly the same weight I was.
“I thought, ‘I weigh as much as the heavyweight champion of the
world.’ I left there determined once again to do something about my
weight. But it wasn’t easy. During a four-year period, my goal was to get
below 200 pounds. I tried every diet program imaginable and no matter
what I did, I couldn’t drop below 200. I would start a workout program and
be inconsistent, fail, and gain more weight.
“In the weeks working with trainer Bob Greene, I started to lose
weight. But Bob didn’t want me to weigh in. He wanted me to be moving
toward a healthier lifestyle and not measuring my life in terms of weight.
I started to feel lighter and better about myself.
“All of the information about exercise, eating right, and how my body
works helped me change the physical me. The most important part is to
understand that it’s not as much about the weight as it is about making the
connection. That means looking after yourself every day and putting forth
your best effort to love yourself enough to do what’s best for you.
“The biggest change I’ve made is a spiritual one. It comes from the
realization that taking care of my body and my health is one of the great-
est kinds of love I can give myself. Every day I put forth the effort to take
care of myself. Only when you have self-awareness can you achieve self-
acceptance. Only when you accept yourself can you experience self-love.
And when you are capable of self-love, you learn to love. To express love
is our ultimate goal. This is the path that leads you to the connection. And
making the connection will change your life.”
N a t h a n i e l Branden
“Self-esteem is the disposition to experience oneself as being competent to
cope with the basic challenges of life and of being worthy of happiness. It
is confidence in the efficacy of our mind, in our ability to think. By exten-
sion, it is confidence in our ability to learn, make appropriate choices and
decisions, and respond effectively to change. It is also the experience that
success, achievement, fulfillment, and happiness are right and natural for
us. If you are mindful in this area, you see that self-esteem is not a free
gift of nature. It has to be cultivated. It cannot be acquired by blowing
oneself a kiss in the mirror and saying, ‘Good morning, Perfect.’ It can-
not be attained by being showered with praise, or by sexual conquests,
by material acquisitions, or by a hypnotist planting the thought that one
is wonderful. Self-esteem can’t be attained by allowing young people to
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Enhancing Your Self-Image 147
believe they are better students than they really are; faking reality is not a
path to mental health or authentic self-assurance. However, just as people
dream of attaining effortless wealth, so they dream of attaining effortless
self-esteem—and unfortunately, the marketplace is full of panderers to
this longing. Self-esteem reflects our deepest vision of our competence
and worth.
“Whether or not we admit it, there is a level at which all of us know that
the issue of our self-esteem is of the most burning importance. Evidence
for this observation is the defensiveness with which insecure people may
respond when their errors are pointed out. Or the extraordinary feats of
avoidance and self-deception people can exhibit with regard to gross acts
of irresponsibility. Or the foolish and pathetic ways people sometimes try
to prop up their egos by the wealth or prestige of their spouse, the make
of their automobile, the fame of their dress designer, or the exclusiveness
of their golf club.”
Y ou must drill down to the core of your heart to find the real truth about
you as a person. The real truth is always much better than your truth
about you. Generally, the way others see you is much better than the way
you see yourself. Change your self-paradigm and accept the truth about
yourself—that is how you will begin to grow and achieve differently. As
your belief in yourself increases, so does your ability to accomplish any-
thing your heart desires. Your life will become much richer.
How others perceive you and how you perceive yourself are critical to
your success and achievement. How you act, talk, walk, dress, and pres-
ent yourself have a direct affect on all aspects of your life. Self-image
can have a major influence on such things as finding a spouse, earning an
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148 The DNA of Success
impressive income, getting involved with life, and getting the maximum
out of it.
OUTWARD APPEARANCE
Your outward impression can also determine the level of your success.
Studies by sociologists have tried to determine which is more signifi-
cant—image or skill. They sent fifteen actors and fifteen skilled profes-
sionals to apply for the same job. The actors knew little or nothing about
the duties required for the job—they just faked it. More often than not, the
actor—not the qualified professionals—received the job offer. Actors are
excellent at making good impressions. They know all about posture, body
language, dressing for success, inflection in language, and facial expres-
sion.
When I ask people what they think it means to acquire a good self-
image in the physical area of their lives, I usually hear “get in shape,”
“lose weight,” or “lift weights.” Occasionally I hear that they want to learn
self-defense or buy new clothes.
Your physical image is very important, and it means much more than
just getting into shape, losing weight, or doing exercises. It also involves
appearance, clothing, color, posture, and style.
When I was just starting in business, I was struggling financially. I had
learned about the significance of a proper appearance, and I always wore a
nice suit when meeting a potential client. Once a potential client told me,
“You’re obviously successful, and that gives me a lot of comfort in doing
business with you.” When I asked her why she felt that way, she said,
“Well, you look successful. You have a great office, you sound confident,
so I assume that you are.”
If your personal appearance is a turnoff, it will never matter if you
have talent or ability. The way you package yourself has as much—or
more—to do with your success as all your talents and gifts. People rarely
bother to open an unattractive package, even if the contents are valuable.
Because poor appearance is a turnoff, people are likely to seek a more
attractive package and take their chances.
Your great ability can be obscured by your personal appearance; it
may never be recognized—or tested—if your appearance is an indication
of mediocrity and nonprofessionalism. Of course, ability and performance
usually determine whether you keep a client or job, but appearance may
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Enhancing Your Self-Image 149
well determine whether you win the client or job in the first place.
Thousands of people have a self-imposed handicap because they don’t
present a sharp personal appearance. It’s true, you never get a second
chance to make a first impression. An appropriate outward appearance can
dramatically affect both you and those you come in contact with.
Do you know what the best hairstyle is for you? Do you wear too
much makeup? How is your posture? Did you know that rounded shoul-
ders are often seen as a sign of lack of self-esteem—sending the message
that you are undisciplined, lazy, or don’t care about yourself? Should you
smile more? Could you eat or sleep better? How do you deal with pain?
Do you chew your fingernails, swear, or have an addiction to TV, sex, caf-
feine, tobacco, alcohol, or drugs?
I once spoke to a woman about discovering her Core Desires. When
we spoke of her self-image, she said she only had two desires: to lose
fifteen pounds and to learn some self-defense. Since she didn’t mention
it, I thought I would bring up—as diplomatically as possible—the gap
between her top front teeth. The gap was such a sensitive issue for her that
she burst into tears. Repairing that space was a Core Desire that she had
ignored for years because she didn’t have the money to repair it. Once she
identified how intense this Core Desire was, her Conquering Force kicked
in, and within three months she had cosmetic dentistry. She no longer hid
her beautiful smile with her hand, and it did wonders for her self-confi-
dence in social situations.
If it is truly a Core Desire, you’ll find a way. If there’s anything about
your physical self that you don’t like, you can change it—or at least your
attitude about it. Don’t limit your thinking when it comes to discovering
your Core Desires in the physical areas of your life. Would you like to
learn to ski? Fly an airplane? Paint pictures? Play the piano? Sing songs?
Do you want to relax more, play more, and reduce frustrations and stress?
Stress can ruin your health and take away the energy you need to achieve
your Core Desires. Learn how to laugh and have fun again.
Would you like to fall asleep easily and sleep more soundly? Do you
need to get your body into shape through exercise? How are your diet and
nutrition? If you tire easily, feel poorly, or don’t have much energy, you
can’t accomplish the many things that you are required to do, let alone the
things you really want to do.
Do you control your tongue? Are you courteous and considerate? How
are your manners? Do you open doors for people, let cars go in front of
yours, show deference to elders, and speak courteously to everyone no
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150 The DNA of Success
“I not afraid of matter what their station in life? Do you use clean
storms for I am language? Do you say nice things to and about oth-
learning how to sail ers?
my ship.”
—Helen Keller
REAL LIFE, REAL PEOPLE
H e l e n K e l l er
When she was just nineteen months old, Helen Keller lost both her sight
and hearing. Yet she went on to become a world-famous author and lec-
turer. She inspired millions by facing these overwhelming obstacles and
overcoming them. Helen Keller’s achievements prove that you can suc-
ceed at any level you choose, in spite of the obstacles you encounter. All
you need is a Core Desire—and a mentor.
T h o m a s E d ison
Edison once said that his deafness was his greatest blessing because it
saved him the trouble of listening to negative comments, in which he had
no interest. Being deaf added to his ability to concentrate his aims and
purposes in a positive way.
G l e n n C u n ningham
When Glenn was seven, he was badly burned in a fire. His legs were so
badly scarred that his doctors told him he would be crippled for life. But
this Kansas farm boy was determined to run and play like the other boys.
No obstacle was too great, no matter what pain he endured. He carried
on—nothing would stop him. With his desire to be as active as his peers, he
threw away his crutches even though he was only able to limp from place
to place. From a hobbling gait he went to a full running stride. He went
on to break the world record in the mile run, as well as win an Olympic
medal. Against impossible odds and when all seemed lost, he fought long,
hard, valiantly, and victoriously—eventually becoming one of the greatest
American runners of all time.
Wi l m a R u d olph
Wilma weighed a mere 4 1/2 pounds at birth. By age four, she’d already
had polio, pneumonia, and scarlet fever, leaving her with a paralyzed leg.
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Enhancing Your Self-Image 151
By six, she was walking with a leg brace. By nine, she was walking with
the aid of an orthopedic brace. And by the time she was thirteen, she was
playing on her school’s basketball team. At sixteen, she won a bronze
medal at the Melbourne Olympic Games. In 1960, in Rome, she won gold
medals in the 100-meter, 200-meter, and 4 x 100-meter relay.
M i c h a e l D o wling
When he was fourteen, Michael fell from a wagon during a Michigan bliz-
zard. He was knocked unconscious and couldn’t alert his parents. By the
time they realized he was gone and went back to find him, he was severely
frostbitten. His right leg was amputated almost to the hip; his left leg was
removed just above the knee, as well as his right arm and left hand.
Because Michael possessed a strong Core Desire to receive a full educa-
tion, he addressed a group of businessmen, proposing that they pay for his
education—providing he would pay them back. Michael eventually became
the president of a large bank, married, and was the father of five children.
During World War I, the government asked Michael to visit wounded
soldiers in London. While in London, he was asked to speak to a group of
soldiers who had lost an arm, a leg, a hand, or an eye as they were being
treated in a makeshift hospital in the lobby of a large hotel.
As Michael addressed these men from the balcony, many thought he
was minimizing the seriousness of their wounds. He told them that there
were no grounds for complaints and that everything would work out for
them. He told them they could go on and have full lives. The wounded
soldiers became angry with him and began to heckle him.
Michael then walked over to the grand staircase and started descend-
ing. As he did, he told them how fortunate they were. But the booing and
hissing grew more intense. He sat down on one of the stairs and took off
his right leg. The soldiers became less boisterous. Then he took off his
left leg, and the booing stopped. By the time he had arrived in the lobby
itself—scooting down one step at a time—he had taken off his right arm
and slipped off his left hand—and there he sat, a mere stump of a man.
Michael Dowling made a difference in the lives of those soldiers, as well
as hundreds of others.
E v e l y n G l e nnie
Evelyn Glennie is pounding out a rare and brilliant career as a percussion
soloist, playing with some of the world’s finest orchestras and sympho-
nies—never mind that she is deaf.
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152 The DNA of Success
W. M i t c h e l l
Mr. Mitchell was in a freak motorcycle accident and was horribly burned.
He lost all his fingers and most of his face. After many years, he recovered
from the burns and led a very active life—even flying his own airplane.
One winter day, he failed to de-ice the wings properly, and moments after
taking off, his plane dropped about seventy-five feet to the ground—per-
manently damaging his spinal cord and leaving him a paraplegic. While
in the hospital undergoing treatment and therapy, he met other paraplegic
accident victims. They were all complaining bitterly about the things they
could no longer do. When he had heard enough, he said, “You keep talking
about all the things we can no longer do. But I see it like this. Before my
accident, there were ten thousand things I could do, and now there are only
one thousand. I’d rather focus on the thousand left.”
Mr. Mitchell went on to become the mayor of his town—even running
for congress. In spite of being confined to a wheelchair, he travels around
the world teaching people how to deal with what life throws at you. He is
billed as “the man who wouldn’t be defeated.”
As a result of his accident—and the things he has learned since then—
he has become far more successful. He feels he has accomplished more in
his life than he ever imagined.
C h r i s t o p h e r Reeve
“Many people have asked me, ‘How do you get through this?’
“I say, ‘Well, I’m not having nearly as much fun as I used to have,
there is a lot that I can’t do, but how do I get through it? Because there was
a platform that was built over twenty-eight years of being an actor, facing
rejection, learning the discipline of giving your best eight times a week,
having made that commitment for something that I wanted to do with my
life.
“Because I had a platform, I saw that there was an opportunity to help
push science and to conquer the frontier of inner space. It’s an incred-
ible moment of opportunity. I feel that if I hadn’t built a base long ago, I
couldn’t deal with it. But along with my family and friends, the support
of so many people around the world, I’m able to go forward in a way
that I never would have thought possible. We all have this inner strength
within us—there is nothing special about me. You also can do it if you
rely on that solid foundation that you build. If you take the opportunities
that come your way, as long as you have some component of giving back
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Enhancing Your Self-Image 153
to the world, the flow and ebb of your life will work. There will be ups
and downs, there will be times when things make sense and times when
they don’t, but you’ll be out on an adventure that’s a lot more exciting and
meaningful than just doing what’s expected of you by other people.”
If you had determination like these people, think of what you could accom-
plish. The only way you can get that kind of attitude is by identifying your
Core Desires—the 100s on your Core Desire Scale—and allowing your
Conquering Force to propel you toward outstanding results. There will
still be things that you will have to do, or go through, that aren’t fun or
pleasant. Life sometimes throws us curve balls that we have to deal with—
these are the “have-tos.” Life becomes boring and difficult when you’re
only doing the things you have to do to get where you don’t want to be.
If your Core Desire is to speak confidently in public, how do you
acquire this ability? First, you’ve got to love what you are talking about,
or at least have a great deal of interest in it. Knowledge is important, but
it’s not as critical. Another valuable way to exude a confident aura when
speaking in public is to take your mind off your performance and put it
on the gift in the message you are giving. If you believe in your message,
have strong feelings about it, and are not focusing on how people might
judge your performance, you will do just fine.
As a speaker, I had to learn not to get butterflies and worry about my
performance. Knowing that my message would change lives and focusing
on this gift helped me overcome my nerves. I learned to focus on what I
was giving the audience, and the butterflies went away.
You deserve to look and feel good about yourself, wherever you are
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154 The DNA of Success
“Order and and whatever you are doing. If you’re in front of one
simplification are person, a large group, or even a mirror, it’s the same.
the first steps In job interviews, the interviewer wants to know
toward the mastery what value you can bring to the company—not just
of a subject—the if you can do the job. One study showed that 65 per-
actual enemy is the cent of interviewers make a hiring decision within
unknown.” the first fifteen minutes. The study also showed that
—Thomas Mann 45 percent of the decision to hire is based on how
well the interviewees present themselves, 35 percent
is based on packaging, and just 10 percent is based
on skill. That’s 80 percent of the decision being based on presentation and
packaging!
If you allow your negative self-image to dominate your life, it will
affect all other areas of your life. If you don’t have what you want in the
self-image and physical areas of your life, you probably haven’t identi-
fied your Core Desires. Because your inward and outward self-image will
affect all other areas in your life, you will be a much happier, more fulfilled
person when you have the proper self-paradigm. Your Core Desires will
be realized much faster once you have a proper self-image working for
you—not against you.
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and the true cause for success in life—including making more money, complete
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Enhancing Your Self-Image 155
• How to finally stop wasting your time and money on concepts that just
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10 Cultivating Social
Relationships
If a man does not make new acquaintances
as he advances through life, he will soon find
himself left alone. A man . . . should keep his
friendships in a constant repair.
—SAMUEL JOHNSON
T
o achieve a high level of joy and happiness in life, we must be socially
involved with people. This involves getting along well with others,
having friends and companions, and offering help to those who need
it. We are all part of a social environment, and our social environment pro-
vides us with many opportunities for fun, excitement, enjoyment, charity,
and love. Indeed, one of the most rewarding things you can do is to reach
out to others—to connect with others on a heartfelt level.
Involvement with others, however, can also bring pain. You can expe-
rience hurt feelings, anger, character attacks, job loss, sadness, and loneli-
ness. But you can use your Conquering Force to maximize the rewards
and minimize the frustrations and pain. Achieving success in the social
area of your life is the art of learning to interact with others and care about
them—and their needs—while they care for you—and your needs. When
you have social success, you experience an inner peace and happiness.
You gain an incredible sense of value, while discovering how rewarding it
is to be a caring and giving person.
When I ask people what being social means to them, they often respond
that it means getting together with friends more frequently or making new
157
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158 The DNA of Success
To help you understand the different places where your social success lies,
I have identified four areas of social importance.
C o n n e c t i n g with Others
Making connections with others is not only vital to your growth, it largely
determines how much you can—and will—enjoy your life. If you don’t
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Cultivating Social Relationships 159
have caring, giving relationships with others, not only are you being
robbed of one of life’s greatest pleasures, but you’re also robbing others of
the benefit and growth they would enjoy by interacting with you. At a min-
imum, you can find time to lend a listening ear or just be supportive—you
never know what kind of impact you can have in someone’s life. None of
us can ever calculate the impact we have on the world.
There is a story about a poor Scottish farmer named Fleming. One day
as he was negotiating a narrow, rut-filled road that went past a muddy bog,
he heard someone screaming for help. Dropping his load, he ran to the bog
where he found a terrified boy waist deep in the mud and struggling to free
himself. Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow death.
Days later, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman’s humble abode.
An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the
father of the boy Fleming had saved. “I want to repay you,” said the noble-
man. “You saved my son’s life.”
“No, I can’t accept payment for what I did,” said the farmer, waving
away the offer. At that moment Fleming’s own son came to the door.
“Is that your son?” the nobleman asked.
“Yes,” the farmer replied proudly.
“I’ll make you a deal. Let me provide your son with the same educa-
tion my son will have. If your boy is anything like you, he’ll no doubt
grow to be a man we can both be proud of.”
Fleming could not resist that offer. His son attended the very best
schools and in time graduated from St. Mary’s Medical School in London,
later becoming well known throughout the world as Sir Alexander
Fleming—the man who discovered penicillin.
Years later the nobleman’s son, the one saved from the bog, was
stricken with pneumonia. Penicillin saved his life. The nobleman was
Lord Randolf Churchill, his son, Sir Winston Churchill.
N ever underestimate the worth of your caring attitude. The whole world
could change because of your single action. Don’t be so busy that you
can’t take time to reach out and connect with others. It’s easy to get in the
habit of staying home and watching TV, but it’s disastrous to your social
life—so get out and visit places where you can do what you enjoy. Go to
libraries and bookstores, take an exercise class, or join a chess or garden-
ing club. Get out there and share your skills, interests, experiences, hard-
won knowledge, specialties, talents, and heart with others.
When you are feeling down, sad, or worried, try not to be alone. Call
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160 The DNA of Success
L o v e R e l a t i onships
As I help people discover and define their genuine Core Desires, I find that
the area that stands out most is the longing for a personal love relation-
ship.
You must determine if you are the kind of person you want to be. Can
you attract the kind of person you want to be with? We usually have a great
deal in common with those we are closest to. Think about the people you
feel close to. You probably have similar beliefs, laugh at the same jokes,
and share interests in movies, sports, styles, food, and hobbies. The more
you have in common with a person, the more enjoyable the relationship
will be and the faster it will grow and thrive.
In any relationship, there will always be some things that you won’t
have in common—that’s to be expected and accepted. When I met my
wife, I was very involved and passionate about karate. She wasn’t. Instead,
she loved musicals. I didn’t. But we found that the things of most impor-
tance were the things we had in common. If you can share values and prin-
ciples, ideas about how to raise children, religion—the things that really
matter—then you can easily get past karate or musicals.
John Gray
‘We all have many God-given gifts. The challenge with which we are each
faced is to discover these gifts and then make full use of them by serving
others. That is how our soul grows. But though our soul thrives when we
give of ourselves, we must realize that we cannot give love unless we can
receive love. Our ability to receive love is based upon our ability to feel,
because it is through our feelings that we are able to receive support and
then be motivated to give support. To give of ourselves, we must nurture
ourselves. One of the ways we receive this nurturing is through having a
good relationship. This gives us the opportunity to serve our partner—and
serving others nurtures our own souls.
“Men and women receive love differently. The primary way to love
a man and help him get in touch with his feelings is to appreciate him for
what he does. You must repeatedly send him the message that he makes
a difference, that his actions are worthwhile. You must also let him know
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Cultivating Social Relationships 161
that when his actions are mistakes, they are forgivable. You must assure
him that he is accepted just the way he is. If you try to correct him or
tell him what to do, he will only resist. And if he does not resist he will
weaken; he will lose touch with the inner guidance that he needs to control
his actions. Women often need to feel in control of their feelings. The way
to nurture a woman’s soul is to give her the support she needs to freely
express herself, to talk about her feelings, her wants, and wishes. Don’t try
to correct her feelings or talk her out of her feelings. If she is feeling bad
or afraid or angry, do not be critical of that.
“Once we have learned how to nurture our partners, we can then go
out and make a difference in the world. Giving unconditional love nur-
tures us and fulfills our purpose in life. When you give of yourself without
expecting anything in return, you become a bigger person.”
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162 The DNA of Success
“One blessing of myself, and feel anger and bitterness toward Pam.
friends is that you But I chose to become excited at the prospect of find-
can afford to be ing someone else.
stupid with them.” Marci and I were very sincere with one another
—Ralph Waldo from the start. We didn’t just chitchat about our high
school experiences; we talked about each other’s
attitudes, concerns, and desires for the future. That
sincerity was vital in creating an enduring relationship.
In creating a loving relationship void of pretense and hypocrisy, you’ll
enjoy a great deal of harmony and satisfaction. I am grateful to Pam for
listening to her heart and calling off our wedding—I now know she was
far wiser than I was.
Finding someone you can trust with all your heart, who will help you
become all that is in you to become, is one of the most rewarding experi-
ences in life. The secret to a loving relationship is to be dedicated to the
concept of what’s right, not who’s right, and to make a commitment to the
person to whom you have given your heart, making them feel that they are
“number one” in your life.
Tr u e F r i e n dships
Everyone wants, and needs, friends—especially close friends. You can
never say that you truly just want to be left alone, that you don’t want
or need to have any close friends. It’s a Core Desire for human beings
to interact with others—to like and be liked, to love and be loved. Close
friends permit you to open up and have fun. They like and accept all the
things that make you you—the good, the bad, and the ugly. True friendship
allows you to feel safe with another person, to be accepted by others—in
spite of the things you do wrong and in spite of your idiosyncrasies.
Meaningful interaction with others is vital to your spiritual and physi-
cal well-being. We can’t choose whether we need—or want—true friends,
because we are simply not built that way. Few things in life are more pre-
cious than the close friends who share your interests, passions, concerns,
needs, hopes, and fears. Ideally, one of these close friends becomes your
mate for life.
When I was a child I had one friend, Teddy Begay, a Navajo boy. He
was my best friend, and he often defended me. When I left the reservation,
I didn’t see Teddy again until many years later.
When I was forty, I reconnected with him, and we hit it off as if no
time had passed at all. We talked about becoming blood brothers, an old
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Cultivating Social Relationships 163
Indian tradition. I asked him if the Navajos still did such things. Teddy
checked with an old medicine man he knew and reported back that the cer-
emony hadn’t been done in over a hundred years. The medicine man had
never performed the ceremony but had been taught how many years earlier.
Teddy and I asked the medicine man to perform the ceremony for us.
The ceremony was held in a hogan, a large mud hut with a door open-
ing to the east, dirt floors, and a hole in the ceiling for smoke from the open
fire to escape. Navajos came from miles around to participate because they
wanted to see this unusual ceremony. The hogan was filled to capacity,
with about twenty people sitting on sheepskins around its perimeter. The
ceremony was done in the Navajo language, so Teddy translated for me.
The medicine man built a fire in the center of the hogan and then chanted,
prayed, counseled us, drew pictures in the dirt floor, and gave us things
to eat and drink. In his prayer, he asked the Great Spirit to forgive him
because he could not remember all of the ceremony, asking for it to be
accepted. At one point the medicine man wept, and said that he’d never
seen such love shown between a bilagona and a Navajo. At specific cer-
emonial intervals, each person in the hogan was given a chance to speak.
Several guests apologized for the way I had been treated as a young boy.
The ceremony was a wonderful experience, lasting about thirteen hours
without a stop. Teddy and I laughed when we wondered how long it would
have taken had the medicine man remembered the entire ceremony.
I came away from this experience with a deep, abiding love for my new
blood brother, as well as for the Navajo nation, particularly those in atten-
dance. Teddy’s mother, who speaks no English, is now my mother, too.
After the ceremony I gave my new Navajo mother a hug and she hugged
me back, which was unusual since Navajos of her generation didn’t show
affection by hugging. She smiled and called me shiyazhi (shi-yaw-zhee),
“my son,” and I called her shima (shih-MAR), my mother. I was given a
special shawl, allowing me entrance to Navajo ceremonies or meetings.
The more friendships you have, the more open interactions you will
have with others, and the more your life will come together. Your fam-
ily life will improve, your self-image will be enhanced, and you’ll enjoy
doing what it takes when you’re with friends. With true friends, you can
be yourself.
With close friends, you interact at a heartfelt “What is a friend?
level. When it comes to your friends, their feelings A single soul in two
and needs are just as important to you as yours are bodies.”
—Aristotle
to them. They care and worry about you, and you do
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164 The DNA of Success
the same for them. As you treat others this way, you experience profound
happiness and contentment. With friends at your side, you never have to
face the world alone.
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Cultivating Social Relationships 165
stay in the moment with their feelings, and respect them for taking the risk
of sharing with you, creating a trust—the foundation on which all relation-
ships are built.
3. Be open and honest at all times, using tact and diplomacy whenever
possible.
If you have to choose between hiding your feelings and being totally
open, honest, and candid, always choose the latter. When you stuff your
feelings, you only hurt yourself and others. When you guess about what
other people are thinking, you’re going to assume the worst most of the
time—but you’ll also be wrong most of the time. Rather than guess, ask.
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166 The DNA of Success
S o c i a l C a r i ng
By reaching out to others, helping, caring, and giving of yourself freely
without any thought of personal gain, you will become a better and much
happier person—and your impact will be felt forever. Like the ripple made
when you cast a stone into water, the ripple effect you create by helping
others is immeasurable. If you don’t know how to do this on a large scale,
do it on a small one.
I know a man who is a full-time truant officer for a small town north
of Denver, and also a member of an Optimist Club. As a truant officer, he
found that some children failed to attend school because they were trading
days with their siblings—there was only one pair of shoes among them.
Because he was touched so deeply, he decided to do something about it
and began a fund-raising drive to buy shoes for these youngsters. When he
died, he left five thousand dollars to the Optimist Club, with instructions to
invest it in a secure place and use the interest to continue buying shoes for
needy children. Because of the lives this man has changed—and the many
more he will continue to change—his memory will live in perpetuity.
One of the most rewarding social practices is letting others be valuable
by giving to you. This can be very hard for many people. There are people
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Cultivating Social Relationships 167
who give and give, helping others do what they want The friendship that
or need to accomplish, but they won’t allow others to can cease has
help them. Some people will listen to your troubles never been real.
but never share theirs. In most cases, the reason for —Saint Jerome
this behavior is either pride or distrust. Giving is a
good thing for everyone to do, and for every giver
there has to be a receiver. If you won’t allow others
to give to you, you stop the process. Don’t let pride or mistrust rob some-
body of the privilege, growth, and pleasure of being there for you.
If you have a hard time receiving from others, or letting them see your
deepest feelings, it’s often because you have a Core Desire that makes you
unwilling to appear weak or needy. Feeling this way may be so hard for
you that you’ll go to great lengths to avoid it. Your Core Desire may be to
avoid, rather than get or achieve certain things.
Still, there is always a way you can reach out to others and show your
concern for them on a larger scale. You can join local or national organi-
zations or volunteer in your local school system. However you choose to
give of your time, make sure it is a Core Desire. Keep looking for the 100s
on your Core Desire Scale.
I know an eighty-eight-year-old woman who goes to a nursing home
to help “the old people.” She once told me, “I know I shouldn’t call them
‘old people,’ but they are old, and they need my help.” Her attitude keeps
her from letting her own age and infirmities stop her.
People may not remember exactly what you said, but they will
always remember how you treated them. Achieving your Core Desires
becomes easier when you create solid, long-lasting, and mutually ben-
eficial relationships.
SUGGESTED RESOURCES
S u c c e s s & Achievement
How To Use The Conquering Force Within You—This 8-session personal
development course shows you how to discover the inner key to achieve success
in your life. I shatter conventional self-help theories and techniques that well-
meaning Self-Help Guru’s have been telling you for the past 75 years. What’s
the GOOD news? When we are finished you will have a simple, never before
revealed, step-by-step blueprint of how to achieve exactly what you want in life
and the true cause for success in life—including making more money, complete
http://www.dnaofsuccess.com
168 The DNA of Success
The DNA of Success—This is the 210 page hardcover book endorsed by Mark
Victor Hansen, Jay Abraham, Brian Tracy, Reverend Robert Schuller, Norman
Vincent Peale, Coach Lou Holtz and others. In this breakthrough book that Jack
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breakthrough in personal success. It’s packed full of powerful, moving stories and
real life examples you can learn from and apply to your very own life to achieve
the things you really want out of life. To find more about knowing what you
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The Zufelt Experience—The two and a half day event that has already dra-
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To Change Your Life Forever, I’ll Show You How To Skip The Hard Part of
Becoming Successful... And, Overnight, Become A Peak Performer Guaranteed!
To find out more about The Zufelt Experience and how it can change your
life [click here].
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11 Improving Your Mind
The renown which riches or beauty confer is
fleeting and frail; mental excellence is a splen-
did and lasting possession.
—GAIUS SALLUSTIUS CRISPUS
E
verything we are, will be, have, or are yet to have is a direct conse-
quence of what we learn and apply. Learning and acting upon our
knowledge enable us to make meaningful contributions.
The more you know, the more you realize how much you don’t know.
You must continue to seek out new perspectives and truths to enhance
your ability to achieve your Core Desires. Continual learning is critical
and affects every area of your life. Learning is a lifelong process and
should be fun and exciting, bringing you increased levels of success and
enjoyment.
AN INVESTMENT IN YOURSELF
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Improving Your Mind 171
assigned to learn, you won’t spend as much time or “I never let school
effort. You’ll do just enough to get by. And at the interfere with my
first sign of difficulty, you’ll probably throw in the education.”
towel. —Mark Twain
Many individuals willingly take several “have-
to” courses in their pursuit of their Core Desires. My
daughter wanted a degree in Information Systems and Technology and
took many courses required to earn her degree. She excelled in her career,
landing a high-paying position at a major company. Although she may
have disliked some of the required courses, she kept at it. They were the
“have-tos” to achieve her Core Desire. As a result of the career she now
enjoys, I estimate that these “have-to” courses were worth many times the
cost of her whole education. Because she had the discipline as a result of
her Core Desire, the “have-tos” became acceptable, as long as they helped
her achieve her dream.
Formal education isn’t the only way to learn. Inert facts don’t create
a vibrant life experience—they just take up space in your brain. However,
higher education does open doors that may otherwise be closed. If one of
your Core Desires requires a college degree, you must pursue it. Just be
sure it is a Core Desire.
People who go into business for themselves quickly find that there
are many things to learn. Without a mentor for guidance, they may have
to learn the hard way—finding that much isn’t fun and some things are
downright unpleasant. To run your own business, you may have to learn
about accounting, merchandising, marketing, and sales. If you’re hiring
people, you’ll have to learn all the rules and regulations that govern hiring
decisions. Then there are public relations, advertising, and public stock
offerings. Learning and educating yourself should always be of benefit for
you. At a minimum, it should always be interesting.
At a maximum, it should change your life. “What’s the
Make sure the things you’re learning are those difference between
you not only need but also want to learn about. If you school and life?
are driven by a true Core Desire, you will be more In school, you’re
than willing to invest time, energy, and money. taught a lesson and
One day in a park, I watched two dads and their then given a test.
sons fly glider planes. The gliders had a six-foot In life, you’re given
a test that teaches
wingspan and performed incredible maneuvers. I
you a lesson.”
thought it looked like such a wonderful thing that I’d —Robert L. Carter
try it, too. I asked the men where I could find a plane
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172 The DNA of Success
“The educated like theirs. I bought one that very day—and it was
differ from the only $19.95!
uneducated as Imagine my surprise when I opened the box to
much as the living find two thousand tiny pieces of balsa wood. It was
from the dead.” a kit! I wanted a plane ready to fly. It took me six
—Aristotle months just to assemble one wing, and it was no
fun at all. To others this may have been an enjoy-
able hobby, but to me it was hard and boring work.
I never assembled the rest of the plane because it wasn’t a Core Desire. I
wanted to fly a plane, not build one.
Because I never took the time, proper direction, or proper action, I
ended up with another failure in my life. The tasks of putting the plane
together stopped me permanently. I was motivated from an outside source
when I made the snap decision.
Have you ever been that excited about something and started with
great enthusiasm, only to not follow through? This is what most goals
look like—something that you are initially overjoyed about but soon find
you’ve lost your enthusiasm for once you discover the work involved.
T he more interesting and enlightening you are, the more people will wel-
come you into their lives and the more opportunity will abound.
Learning is not limited to going to school or getting a degree. It’s
surprising that many people stop feeding their minds after a certain point.
For some, that point is high school graduation; for others, it’s graduating
from college. A large university once took a survey of its recent graduates
and found that 90 percent hadn’t read a single book since they’d left the
university.
Once, while traveling in France for our twenty-fifth anniversary,
Marci and I met a couple celebrating their fiftieth anniversary. The couple
were in their late seventies, retired, and traveled to someplace new in the
world each month. They enrolled in courses at their local university to
learn more about each country, and then they traveled to see firsthand what
they had been studying.
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Improving Your Mind 173
The more you learn about things you’re interested in, the more fresh and
fun ideas you’ll have to mull over in your pursuit of your Core Desires.
You’ll continually be looking for things to help you be a better parent,
salesperson, businessperson, doctor, lawyer, accountant, or PR person.
You’ll enjoy learning constantly, and you’ll discover many benefits.
I know a twelve-year-old boy who can tell you the batting averages
of all the professional baseball players, yet he can’t recite the names of
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174 The DNA of Success
“As long as you live,the four types of clouds that move across our skies.
keep learning how Because he thoroughly enjoys baseball—virtually
to live.” living, eating, and sleeping it—his constant involve-
—Seneca ment and immersion in the sport have led him to
know a lot about it. And since he isn’t interested
in clouds, he’s never made an effort to learn about
them. Regardless of how well his teachers have taught him, the concept
holds no interest for him.
My own son struggled with his grades in high school. He thought
that he must not be very disciplined or smart, even using the term lazy to
describe himself. He had a negative self-paradigm regarding learning and
discipline, and he gave himself those labels. His grades were the evidence
that these labels were accurate. Yet when it came to learning extensive
parts for a school play in a short period of time, he excelled.
When the lead in an upcoming school play was suddenly unable to
continue, my son was asked to take his part. The other fellow had four
months to learn his lines, and my son had just three weeks. Not only did
he learn his lines and perfect his role, he excelled at both. This was ample
and undeniable evidence that he was both smart and disciplined—and that
doing what he loved made it possible. He had to admit that he was smart,
and if he wanted to do something badly enough, the discipline was there.
We are all the same way—we lose interest and don’t perform at peak
levels if we’re not thoroughly engaged. The more interactions you have
with others, the more learning experiences you will have, and the more
successful you will be in all areas of your life. You’ll be happier, too. All
this will only happen as a result of learning about your Core Desires.
CONTINUOUS LEARNING
Learning, or the lack thereof, has a dramatic impact on all areas of life. By
focusing on the things you want to learn about, you can enjoy continuous
learning.
Many students either drop out of college or flunk out because they
are studying things that they have little or no interest in. Often students
buy into the idea that their parents, friends, relatives, or counselors know
what’s best for them. Maybe they have been told they should become a
doctor because their dad was a doctor. Or maybe their mother has said
she’d like an attorney in the family. Most advice from well-meaning peo-
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Improving Your Mind 175
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176 The DNA of Success
SUGGESTED RESOURCES
S u c c e s s & Achievement
How To Use The Conquering Force Within You—This 8-session personal
development course shows you how to discover the inner key to achieve success
in your life. I shatter conventional self-help theories and techniques that well-
meaning Self-Help Guru’s have been telling you for the past 75 years. What’s
the GOOD news? When we are finished you will have a simple, never before
revealed, step-by-step blueprint of how to achieve exactly what you want in life
and the true cause for success in life—including making more money, complete
time freedom, unshakeable confidence, success in your job, business or whatever
you desire—and it’s easier then you think.
It goes into detail about the foundation for all success and achievement. It
also shows you how to:
• Tap into your own limitless source of true inspiration and self-motivation.
• How to isolate the single, root cause of all success.
• Zero in on the automatic mechanism that will propel you into sustained,
perpetual, proper action, focus and excitement.
• How to finally stop wasting your time and money on concepts that just
don’t work.
• Empower you with the knowledge and ability to overcome stubborn obsta-
cles like fear, stress, lack of money and procrastination once and for all.
What would your life be like if you could overcome those obstacles?
For more information on this resource, as well as a FREE special report
entitled, “If Goal Setting, Positive Thinking, Affirmations, Self-Talk, Dream
Building, Visualizations, Chanting, Fire Walking and Ever Other Technique That
Self-Help Guru’s Preach Actually Work… Then Why Are They Failing Miserably
For You?” [Click here to read the report].
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matically changed lives! The question is, are YOU next? If You’ve Got The Guts
To Change Your Life Forever, I’ll Show You How To Skip The Hard Part of
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To find out more about The Zufelt Experience and how it can change your
life [click here].
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12 Engaging Your Spiritual
Being
The spiritual perfection of man consists in his
becoming an intelligent being—one who knows
all that he is capable of learning.
—MAIMONIDES
T
he spiritual area—the thinking, feeling, motivating, and refining part
of you—affects all aspects of your life. Imagine what you could do
and become if you were constantly refining your thoughts, feelings,
and behaviors.
The whole of life is nothing more than the refinement of everyday liv-
ing. Imagine how smoothly your life could go if, through a simple refining
process, you consistently improved, step by step. In my own experience—
and that of many others—I’ve learned that it is possible to achieve steady
refinement of thoughts and feelings in individuals and organizations.
You may wonder how you can motivate your organization, children,
employees, or spouse to engage in a process of spiritual refinement. But
you have to realize that you can’t motivate anyone
for more than a moment, because intrinsic motiva- “The whole of
tion flows from Core Desires. True motivation wells science is nothing
up from deep within the recesses of the heart. more than the
refinement of
D i a m o n d s in the Rough everyday thinking.”
Our spiritual attributes are often not very refined; —Albert Einstein
177
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178 The DNA of Success
they are often like diamonds in the rough—ready to be cut, honed, and
polished into gems of great worth. Until they are developed, they aren’t
esteemed to be worth much. Although your spiritual attributes may only
be diamonds in the rough, they are still diamonds—and they are yours—
waiting inside for you to be refined and to bring you more joy.
If you wish to experience all the beauty, riches, and happiness that
life has to offer, you need to keep the spiritual side of your life strong and
continually sharpen your thoughts and feelings. From your thoughts and
feelings spring all your Core Desires. Since some desires will motivate
and inspire you more than others, you need to focus on your spiritual Core
Desires.
When the spiritual area of your life is strong, all other areas of your life
will benefit. For example, being open and honest with your spouse helps
create and maintain a loving relationship in the family, and that openness
and honesty have spiritual roots.
B e M o r e t o Do More
Far too many people are trying to do more to be happy instead of trying to
be more. Those who seek more peace and happiness in their lives describe
what they “do” in a normal day as feeling overwhelmed and unable to
get a handle on their lives. When I write the word do on a white board
for each activity they perform—from the moment they wake up—within
three minutes I have usually written the word do almost a hundred times.
When I show them that their day is already full of “do-do” activity, they
understand it’s time to change the daily cycle that steals their peace and
happiness. When we discuss why they keep themselves so busy, we often
uncover a Core Desire to please others, do well, or feel valuable. As people
learn to experience those same Core Desires without doing so much, their
lives become a lot less stressful and much more rewarding.
You don’t have to perform better or do more to feel loved and success-
ful. Being more—not necessarily doing more—brings the unconditional
love and abiding peace you long for. So be open and honest with yourself,
be pleasant, kind, and sincere. Be vulnerable, faithful, nonjudgmental,
charitable, and thoughtful.
As you refine the positive “be-attitudes” already within you, your life
becomes more full of enjoyment and satisfaction. These refined attributes
crowd out the negative ones, eliminating the barriers that currently hold you
back. You achieve more in life and get there faster. This is possible only when
you comprehend the great value of being a person of strong spirituality.
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Engaging Your Spiritual Being 179
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180 The DNA of Success
“Sin has many abuse—it hurts you, and it hurts others. Honesty is a
tools, but a lie is thevirtue that we should expect from others—and they
handle which fits should expect from us.
them all.” Generally there are three reasons we tell lies.
—Oliver Wendell First, and more often than not, we lie to protect our-
Holmes selves or someone else. Secondly, we lie to make
ourselves look good. And finally, we lie to gain in
money, possessions, ego, or fame. If someone asks
you, “What are you feeling?” or “Why are you so quiet?” you may dread
telling the truth because—at the core—you are afraid to be honest and
don’t trust that the truth will be accepted. In fact, you may expect to have
a negative experience by telling the truth—and so you tell a lie.
If you want to become a person of total integrity but have difficulty
telling the truth, ridding yourself of the habit of being dishonest will move
you in quantum leaps toward becoming a better person. Justifying the tell-
ing of any untruth for some perceived benefit is unacceptable for the per-
son who values integrity. Don’t let anyone tell you that little lies or white
lies are not detrimental, because they are. They destroy trust and open
the door for bigger lies. In fact, white lies often do more harm than good
because others have a hard time trusting people who think that lying in the
“right” circumstance is acceptable. Remember that trust is the foundation
of all relationships. There are no “white lies.” Lies don’t come in colors.
When I first went into business, several mentors told me that one of
the most important things needed to make money is integrity. “If you don’t
have integrity, you won’t make it in business.” Not only is this true in
business, it is true in all areas of life. Whatever you
“Each time you are
do, it must be legal, moral, and ethical. You can then
honest and conduct soar to any financial, emotional, or spiritual height
yourself with you desire. With integrity, you will stand out from
honesty, a success the crowd, especially the crowd composed of people
force will drive you who can’t be trusted.
toward greater
success. Each time 2. Acknowledge negative traits for what they are.
you lie, even with a Stop focusing on the problem, and start focusing
little white lie, there your faith and energy on finding a solution.
are strong forces Being negative or doubting is the same as being
pushing you toward faithless. Remember that faith is action out of confi-
failure.”
dence. If you have little or no faith, you won’t take the
—Joseph Sugarman
action needed to get you out of negative situations,
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Engaging Your Spiritual Being 181
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182 The DNA of Success
we are better than they are and believe we know the intent of their hearts.
No one is any better than anyone else, and we can’t ever know what is
going on in someone else’s heart.
The instructor noticed that the man and his son were wearing worn-
out Levis and old shirts and made a judgment about the man’s abil-
ity to pay for the more expensive three-year contract. Rather than
risk losing the sale, he recommended the one-year contract. The man
agreed and wrote a check. When the instructor saw the name on the
check, he immediately realized his error. The father was a wealthy
and well-known man who could easily have afforded the more
expensive plan. In fact, he could have bought the whole studio.
In the 1950s, Kay Starr wanted to sing with a big band. She went
to many auditions where unscrupulous men would try to pick up
female singers by promising them contracts. After an audition, one
man in particular kept trying to talk to her. At first she ignored him,
but finally she told him to leave her alone. The man walked away.
Immediately several other singers came up to her and excitedly
asked her, “What did Glenn Miller want with you?”
A young man with a lot of talent went to an audition for the Grand
Ole Opry. But because of his unusual style, the talent scouts turned
him down and told him he would never make it as a singer. Elvis
Presley went back to Memphis with a broken heart.
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Engaging Your Spiritual Being 183
You will be the reason other people feel good about themselves if you
make a conscious effort to acknowledge the good in them—the things they
frequently don’t see in themselves. Make it part of your life’s mission to
bring sunshine and light to everyone with whom you come in contact. It’s
a wonderful way to live, and it creates love and success in our own life.
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184 The DNA of Success
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Engaging Your Spiritual Being 185
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186 The DNA of Success
“Before you seek Though you may not understand the methods and
riches, seek ye purposes of God, if you trust God, you will always
first the kingdom have a sense of peace and joy. God always stands
of God; and after ready to help you achieve whatever good you want
you have obtained in this life.
a hope in Christ, ye
shall obtain riches if 7. Learn and obey the spiritual laws and principles.
you seek them. And There are irrevocable laws that govern every
you will seek them realm, be it chemistry, math, music, interpersonal
with the intent to do relationships, or parenting. As we learn the laws
good—to clothe
that govern our Core Desires, we may then obtain
the naked, to feed
the blessings and benefits associated with them.
the hungry and
Obedience to these laws will always bring the desired
administer relief
to the sick and results, just as adherence to any proven formula or
afflicted.” recipe does.
—Jacob 2: 18-19, The Failure to apply these laws and truths will keep
Book of Mormon you from obtaining the benefits that are waiting to
be enjoyed. For example, if you fail to water your
houseplants, they will turn brown and die, or if you
water them too much, they will turn yellow, then die. Knowing just the
right amount of water to apply will help them thrive. Similarly, you must
learn, and then obey, the laws that govern your Core Desires.
Learning eternal truths and obeying eternal laws
“There is a law,
have greatly enhanced my ability to have a close
irrevocably decreed
relationship with my wife, to have open and reward-
in heaven before
ing relationships with my children, to earn enough
the foundations of
this world, upon money to live the way I want, and to be very happy.
which all blessings And I am still learning—this is what makes life so
are predicated. And exciting.
when we obtain any I know people who are very rich and have many
blessing, it is by fine possessions, and yet are miserable because
obedience to that they have failed to obey the laws that govern hap-
law upon which it is piness. Some even turn to drugs, alcohol, or suicide
predicated.” to escape. Money and material possessions will not
—The Doctrine and bring you happiness in life. The richest blessings are
Covenants 130:20 of
within the spiritual arena. However, increasing your
the Church of Jesus
Christ of Latter-Day spirituality can bring you riches, if you seek riches
Saints for the right reasons and are obedient to the laws that
govern the creation of wealth.
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Engaging Your Spiritual Being 187
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188 The DNA of Success
SUGGESTED RESOURCES
S u c c e s s & Achievement
How To Use The Conquering Force Within You—This 8-session personal
development course shows you how to discover the inner key to achieve success
in your life. I shatter conventional self-help theories and techniques that well-
meaning Self-Help Guru’s have been telling you for the past 75 years. What’s
the GOOD news? When we are finished you will have a simple, never before
revealed, step-by-step blueprint of how to achieve exactly what you want in life
and the true cause for success in life—including making more money, complete
time freedom, unshakeable confidence, success in your job, business or whatever
you desire—and it’s easier then you think.
It goes into detail about the foundation for all success and achievement. It
also shows you how to:
• Tap into your own limitless source of true inspiration and self-motivation.
• How to isolate the single, root cause of all success.
• Zero in on the automatic mechanism that will propel you into sustained,
perpetual, proper action, focus and excitement.
• How to finally stop wasting your time and money on concepts that just
don’t work.
• Empower you with the knowledge and ability to overcome stubborn obsta-
cles like fear, stress, lack of money and procrastination once and for all.
What would your life be like if you could overcome those obstacles?
For more information on this resource, as well as a FREE special report
entitled, “If Goal Setting, Positive Thinking, Affirmations, Self-Talk, Dream
Building, Visualizations, Chanting, Fire Walking and Ever Other Technique That
Self-Help Guru’s Preach Actually Work… Then Why Are They Failing Miserably
For You?” [Click here to read the report].
http://www.dnaofsuccess.com
Conclusion:
The Growth Imperative
Growth is the only evidence of life.
—JOHN HENRY CARDINAL NEWMAN
T
o achieve your Core Desires—whether they are earning more money,
enjoying more intimacy, or having more joy in your life—you need
to grow, become more, learn, and change. How fast you
grow is within your control; you can experience great growth if you
desire it. But you can’t just sense a need to change; you can’t “sorta”
want to be more or have more. If you are willing to grow, life as you have
known it will never be the same.
If you choose to grow, you accept the fact that you are not helpless or
unable to create the happiness you want in your life. Neither are you lim-
ited in your options. What will limit your growth is the inability to iden-
tifY accurately your Core Desires and unleash your Conquering Force.
To initiate change, you must first accept that who you are and what
you have today are largely consequences of the choices and decisions you
have made. Instituting change requires that you make different choices
now—and in the future. Acknowledge that you always have choices and
that you control the choices you make. To make different decisions, you
must change yourself—not just the things you do or say, but also what you
have your heart set on.
Lasting, dynamic personal growth takes place within your heart. If you
can change your heart, you can change your destiny. You may not experi-
ence immediate growth just because you accept a truth in your mind; you
must also feel it in your heart. Only a Core Desire can cause you to take
action on a truth you have mentally accepted. Saying, “I know I should do
that,” will not bring about change and growth, but wanting it with all your
heart will.
Your mind has the ability to learn and apply what it knows; your heart
provides the reason to put the knowledge to work. The best way to change
your heart is to replace falsehoods and incorrect paradigms with truths
and correct paradigms that you feel strongly about—not just understand.
Truths can set you free if you embrace them wholeheartedly. The more
truths you learn and embrace, the freer you will become. Many of your
obstacles will disappear, and you will overcome all others by using your
Conquering Force. We choose if—and how—we grow. Our hearts and our
minds are under our control, and we can access and mold them. No one
else can do this for us. Our Core Desires and our commitment to truth are
the chief sculptors of our lives.
People are like Thoroughbred horses in that they are of great value and
capable of great speed. Yet they are often constrained by an invisible rope
of their own creation. This invisible rope limits how far and how fast they
can run. The rope is our wrong, limiting self-paradigm deep inside—made
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Conclusion: The Growth Imperative 191
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192 The DNA of Success
2. Choice
Life gives us the opportunity to grow. Whether you grow or not is your
choice. You can choose to grow and become a happy, spiritual, and emo-
tional giant or stay small. The choices are always yours, and you always
have them.
By cultivating the Success Attitude and asking for help from knowl-
edgeable mentors, you can avoid many of the pitfalls in the sidewalks
of life. Should you fall in, you’ll climb out with their aid. Your future is
not in the hands of fate, your boss, the stars, or your circumstances; it is
in your choices—the choices you make to determine your path and your
destination.
When you are faced with a situation in which you are not happy or not
getting what you want, ask yourself, “What am I doing to cause this?” and
“What do I have to change in me, about me, or around me to make it the
way I want it to be?” Most things that happen to you are either a direct or
an indirect result of choices you make.
3. Truth
Only truth properly applied will free you from the bondage that igno-
rance and limited paradigms create. Are truth and being open and honest
the same thing? Even though telling the truth is being honest, few are
totally open with all the truth. When we conceal our real feelings, we’re
not being open; we are only telling part of the story and not being totally
honest. Truth can be obscure if you are not looking for it, but when you
have truth as your operating system, you’ll stop giving other people or
circumstances the power to control your life. You must own the role you
play in your circumstances by acknowledging that the truth will free you
to make the necessary changes to get what you want.
4. Trust
For a truly fulfilling life, trust is essential. You need to trust your men-
tors, your instructors, your spouse, your doctor, and your boss. Most impor-
tantly, you need to trust your own ability to learn, and trust that choosing
to make changes will be beneficial.
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Conclusion: The Growth Imperative 193
Many people don’t take action because they don’t “Only in growth,
trust that it will make a difference. They don’t trust reform, and change,
that other people will care. But trust gives you the paradoxically
confidence to take action, and it is the cornerstone of enough, is true
all relationships. If you don’t trust others for fear of security found.”
being hurt, your growth will be severely limited . —Anne Morrow
Trust comes from making the decision to trust. Lindberg
Although many people feel that trust has to be earned,
my motto is to trust everyone until I have reason not to. If someone breaks my
trust, then it is difficult for me to know when to decide they can be trusted again.
But when, or if, it ever happens, it still involves another decision to trust.
5. Ask
To get what you want you must be willing to ask. It is amazing how
many people simply will not—or cannot—ask for what they want or need.
Sometimes we feel selfish for asking for what we want or need, or we’re
embarrassed or afraid it will cause problems. Many times we find it dif-
ficult to ask for help of any kind, including candid feedback, because of
pride or ego. For too many people, asking for direction implies they have
either lost their way or are unaware of what to do. Asking for solutions to
our problems means admitting we have problems in the first place.
But we should all learn that asking for help and direction is not a
sign of weakness; it is the quickest way to get what you want—from your
spouse, your friends, and God.
6. Decide
If you want things to be different in your life, you must decide to
make changes. Action is the direct result of making a decision. Sometimes
we are afraid to make decisions because we aren’t sure of the outcome,
but deciding to postpone—or refusing to make—a decision is still a deci-
sion. To make good decisions, you must gather information from reliable
sources and then decide which of the choices will best suit you and your
situation. Some decisions turn out to be wrong, and others don’t give you
the results you were counting on. Therefore, some decisions need to be
revisited, and you must make course corrections.
With the help of mentors, you can decide to choose which way is best
for you to achieve your Core Desires. Once you settle on a plan of action,
there may still be doubts and obstacles in your way, but to keep from
wavering back and forth, simply choose to go for it. If it is a Core Desire,
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194 The DNA of Success
you will make the necessary decisions until you overcome all hurdles.
7. Risk
Our fear of taking risks nips many good ideas in the bud and kills
many hopes and dreams. But we have to recognize that to venture out on
any new path involves taking a risk. Don’t let your fear of risk debilitate
you. People who risk little, grow little. If you truly have a Core Desire, you
will face the risk at all costs—and you will learn and grow.
SELF-ASSESSMENT
Change
Can you identify changes you
need to make?
Are you proactive in making
changes in your life?
Choice
Do you believe you always have
choices?
Do you look for choices in all
areas of your life?
Truth
Are you truthful with yourself
and with others?
Do you seek truths, embrace
them, and apply them?
Trust
Is a lack of trust keeping you
from what you want?
Can you learn to trust others,
mentors, God?
Ask
Are you afraid to ask for help
or direction?
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Conclusion: The Growth Imperative 195
Decide
Can you make a decision to
move forward?
Do you make decisions with the
help of mentors?
Risk
Is the fear of risk holding you
back?
Can you gain faith and courage
from mentors?
When you are struggling with a situation and find yourself stuck and
not knowing what to do, where to go, or whom to turn to, make use of
these seven words to help you assess where you need to go. In every situ-
ation, you hold the key to your own happiness. Only you can make things
different and better. How fast—or how much—is up to you, but both are
controlled by your Core Desires.
To create as much success, joy, and happiness in your life as you want,
you must know your Core Desires, unleash your Conquering Force, and
know that you can—given time—learn whatever you want to learn, cre-
ate your own opportunity, and overcome all obstacles. You already hold
the key to your success in your Core Desires. No outside tools, tactics,
techniques, or methodologies have the power or capability to make you
achieve success in any area; only your heart-set can do that. When you
understand and follow this principle, you will experience the promised
blessings.
Your ability to create success and happiness lies within your heart. Your
success will always be a direct result of discovering your Core Desires.
When you discover your Core Desires and unleash your Conquering
Force, you will be successful in any endeavor. You will be able to create
and live a life that is full of joy and satisfaction.
Indeed, the truth shall make you free.
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196 The DNA of Success
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Conclusion: The Growth Imperative 197
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Acknowledgments
T
his book owes its existence to the encouragement and support I
received from many people; I cite but a few of them by name.
First, I owe an eternal debt of gratitude to my wife, Marci. She
truly has been my inspiration and greatest supporter. Thanks to my chil-
dren for living lives of honor and integrity—and for loving truth. They are
living proof that what I teach works.
I am grateful for my literary agent, Bob Silverstein, whose belief in
my concepts and me was both instant and unshakable. I truly appreciate
my enthusiastic publisher, Judith Regan, for having the vision of what my
message could mean to everyone, and also Liz Lauricella, of ReganBooks,
for her masterful skills.
Thanks to Ed Bauer for editorial assistance, ideas, and insights pro-
vided to me while writing my book. I am also grateful to Ken Shelton
for his help and for the additions of several examples from the pages of
Personal Excellence magazine.
I shall be forever grateful to those people who were mentors to me
regarding my family, business, and in my spirituality. They helped alter
the direction of my life significantly.
199
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200 The DNA of Success
And thank you to the many thousands of people around the world that
have attended my seminars and not only embraced what I teach, but have
proven my concepts are the truth by the results they achieve .
http://www.dnaofsuccess.com
About the Author
J
ack M. Zufelt has achieved worldwide recognition for teaching people
the true cause of all achievement. Through seminars, platform pre-
sentations, and audio programs he brings his life-changing message
to the world. He has been called the “Wizard of Awes” because of what he
says about success and for the way he interacts with his audience.
His life’s mission is to impart the truth about—and dispel the myths
surrounding—success and achievement to people and organizations
throughout the world. Since first discovering the concepts of the DNA of
Success, he has been helping people achieve better results and create fuller
lives with more happiness, joy, and satisfaction.
President George Bush awarded Mr. Zufelt the Presidential Medal of
Merit. He has also been honored by the U.S. Senate for teaching Americans
how to achieve more in their personal lives and careers.
As a highly acclaimed and honored speaker, Jack has spoken in many
regions including the United States, Hong Kong, Taiwan, Australia,
Canada, Malaysia, Nova Scotia, Singapore, and the Grand Cayman and
Virgin Islands. Motivation International magazine selected Jack as one of
the top international professional speakers of the decade. Winners Digest,
201
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202 The DNA of Success
a publication for Fortune 500 executives, selected him as one of the most
effective speakers in the nation. He is ranked among the “Who’s Who” of
human potential superstars. His bestselling audio program has been sold
in over forty-two countries.
He lives with his wife in Littleton, Colorado.
Jack Zufelt provides the following programs and products for a wide
range of businesses, associations, nonprofit and educational organizations,
as well as to individuals:
Keynote Addresses
Personal Mentoring
Three- and Five-Day Retreats
Half- and Full-Day Corporate Success Training
Monthly E-zine, “The Z Report”
Business Consulting
FREE Success Reports
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