Ask Amy: Confronting truths in a loveless engagement

Dear Amy: I am a 53-year-old man engaged to a wonderful woman several years younger. She is honest, sweet, and attractive. She has a goodness that few others possess.

My problem is that even though I love her, I am not in love with her. We have not been intimate for a long time because I just do not feel that way about her. Instead, I have sought and found intimacy with others.

These other women were just fulfilling a need. But about a year ago I met someone special. She knows about my fiancée and has pressured me to break off the engagement. But I cannot find the way to end it because I know it would devastate my fiancée.

She is much too kind and sweet to be hurt in that way. I make excuses not to have sex with her (such as made-up medical problems causing impotence).

How should I handle this?

– Perplexed in Pittsburgh

Perplexed in Pittsburgh: There is an old saying: “The truth will set you free.” In this case, the truth will set your fiancée free. And frankly, of the two of you, she’s the one I’m concerned about.

I frequently suggest scripts for people to use as blueprints for challenging conversations. Here’s yours: “Honey, I am a lying, skeevy horn dog. I don’t deserve you. I know that people often say that, but in this case, it’s really true. I really don’t deserve you.”

Tell her what you’ve been up to. Then apologize to her, to all of the people who suffer from actual sexual dysfunctions (whose maladies you’ve made a mockery of), and to anyone whom you might have used sexually and perhaps emotionally misled to fulfill your own needs. You also should suggest that your fiancée get tested for STDs.

If you want to make things easier on her, don’t sugarcoat this. Tell her everything. Her relief at being done with you will ease her devastation.

(May 2010)

(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)