Ask Amy: Husband questions wife’s secret meetings with male friend

Dear Amy: My wife of over 30-plus years “makes time” for her male friend, “X,” without telling me.

She will then blame being late getting home, for instance, on work.

I know for a fact that she is lying, as other friends will tell me they have seen her with X.

My wife says that “fibbing” about who she is with and what she is doing is just because she doesn’t think she needs to inform me about every little thing she does.

I call BS. I call it cheating when you are not truthful with your spouse, and when you keep secrets, especially when these secrets have to do with seeing the opposite sex.

I have seen texts and emails that include serious flirting.

I am beginning to think she is a narcissist since she tries to manipulate the conversation and has started gaslighting me. Your thoughts?

– Fed Up

Dear Fed Up: I agree that your wife does not need to inform you about every little thing she does.

She does need to tell you about the big things, however – and lying about seeing a man you obviously perceive as a rival and a threat to your marriage is a very big thing.

I don’t know if your wife is a narcissist. I can’t tell if she is gaslighting you. But it is quite obvious that your relationship is in serious trouble.

You seem to be tracking your wife through talking with her friends and looking at her communications. You obviously don’t trust her.

Yes, it is time to call BS. Present her with your fears and concerns. Follow up with hard evidence – Columbo-style.

If you want to stay in your marriage, you should ask her, quite sincerely, to recommit. Counseling can provide a neutral space for you two to express your divergent views. Counseling will not save your marriage (it can oftentimes create a pathway for ending it), but I am a firm believer in the power of therapy to alter a person’s perspective and behavior.

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