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ROD LIDDLE
Well done Labour… now Keir’s five things you need to do in the first year – and it’s time to get radical
The new government has an awful lot of goodwill on its side
A WEEK ago we traipsed down to the polling station and handed the Labour Party a stonking great majority of 172 seats.
That should be enough to keep them safe for years — although you saw how quickly Boris Johnson lost HIS majority.
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Things are a lot more volatile these days than they used to be.
It will take some getting used to seeing people like Anneliese Dodds and David Lammy in positions of power.
But still, Labour deserved the victory.
We were all sick of the Tories.
It’s now time to wish Sir Keir Starmer well — and demand he deliver on his promises.
Both Tony Blair and Gordon Brown were agreed that they didn’t make the best use of their massive majority in 1997.
Not enough got done. My hope is that Starmer will have learned from this.
The new government has an awful lot of goodwill on its side.
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Now is the time to take the truly difficult decisions that might upset one or two people, or perhaps cost quite a lot of money.
I’ve detailed five policy decisions for Labour to tackle.
Sir Keir Starmer launches major review of global threats facing UK but won't give date for boosting defence spending
If they manage all five in the first year I will send Sir Keir a family pack of Monster Munch and some orange Jacobs Club biscuits.
1. Get Wes Streeting to work reforming the NHS.
We are all sick to death of hearing how the health service is perpetually in crisis.
And no matter how much dosh you pour down its throat it will remain in crisis.
It needs urgent reform — and Labour is the only party that can pull off that reform.
If the Tories tried anything radical everybody would scream that they were just flogging the NHS off to their rich friends, etc.
Streeting knows there needs to be a radical change, with far greater involvement of the private sector and private insurance.
Get it done now, Wes, before anyone notices.
2. Increase defence expenditure and make ourselves a model country for Nato.
Defence Secretary John Healey is a canny bloke.
He knows that this is a uniquely dangerous time for the West.
He needs to face down the left of his party which continually carps at ANY expenditure on defence.
Keep us safe, John, by increasing the size of our Armed Forces and investing in counter-intelligence and retaining an independent nuclear deterrent.
3. Levelling Up . . .
OK, you don’t need to call it levelling up.
It was always a stupid phrase.
But our northern cities need a transport infrastructure which matches those in the South East.
We need better links between our northern cities and especially rail links from North West to North East.
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Never mind HS2 — that was always a Westminster view of what the North needs.
Manchester to Leeds in 20 minutes, Leeds to Newcastle in 40 minutes.
And light rail on Teesside and beyond.
4. Provide clean and almost renewable energy, plus thousands of jobs, by investing in small and compact nuclear power stations.
Nuclear power is the greenest and most reliable form of energy and will help us reduce our carbon emissions without putting the burden on the poorest of us under some ludicrous Net Zero scheme.
5. Give young married couples a break.
Let them work entirely free of tax up to £30,000 per year, so they can provide for their children.
This would support the institution of marriage as well as ensuring that people who do the right thing are rewarded.
As it happens, this is a policy from the Social Democratic Party’s manifesto, but we don’t mind you having it.
Just say thank you.
The first year needs to be radical, Sir Keir.
You will be astonished how quickly the time goes.
Just ask Tony.
Advice down the pan
I WAS reading advice in another newspaper from a poo coach.
That’s someone who is an expert in how to poo.
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Great work if you can find it, no?
Anyway, this woman’s advice was to crouch with your knees near your ears.
And if you were struggling, to “moo like a cow” to, er, ease the process.
I am not going to do that, thank you.
I will go about my business in the same way I have done for 50 years – with a copy of The Times cryptic crossword on my lap.
And when the poo has been delivered, to stand upright and sing a verse of Land Of Hope And Glory.
This is a signal to my family that they should evacuate the area close to the lavatory for the next hour or so
Moore family misery
THE family of Captain Tom Moore admitted last year they had kept £800,000 from the sale of his books.
Now the people who helped with the books have revealed they had been under the impression that a “significant donation” would be made to charity from the profits.
Moore’s daughter and her husband have both been banned from being charity trustees for a long period of time.
But the damage has been done, I think.
I just imagine them in Captain Tom’s last days. “Go on, you old goat, get walking round that garden. And when you get back there’s a book to finish. We need a decent sauna.”
NATO'S nasty neighbours
THERE is a big Nato meeting under way.
Meanwhile, Chinese and Belarus troops are carrying out military exercises by the Polish border.
I hope the Labour lefties who wish to leave Nato are watching closely.
This is exactly why we have Nato.
Not to advance imperialism etc, as the trots believe, but to protect ourselves from an aggressive totalitarian alliance.
King Kemi
KEMI BADENOCH has been installed as the red-hot favourite to win the next Conservative leadership election.
Good, I suppose – she’s OK.
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But is there actually anything in the entire world less interesting to you right now than who leads that shower?
And less relevant?
I think I would rather sit through an insurance seminar than watch the hustings for a new Tory leader.
Whatever messages the General Election sent to the politicians, top of the list was: Tories, go away.
For a long, long time.
Problem for Brit women
SIR KEIR STARMER has appointed Anneliese Dodds as the Women’s Minister.
There is a problem here.
Because Anneliese does not know what a woman actually is.
For example, she thinks it possible that a woman might have a penis.
It is entirely possible that she believes women can have several penises, some of them hanging from their chins.
Somebody needs to give Anneliese one of those picture books they give to toddlers.
Which show the essential differences.
Because otherwise, Anneliese is going to have a difficult time in office.
System is out of date
I DON’T begrudge Labour its victory, although the scale of it is out of all proportion to the number of votes they got.
And that’s the thing. We have a first past the post system.
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And that’s fine when there’s just two big parties slogging it out.
But the big lesson of this century is fewer and fewer people want to vote for either the Tories or Labour.
They think they are both useless.
And so they vote for a multitude of others.
And yet their votes are almost worthless under our present system.
We need reform – and the introduction of proportional representation.
A few home truths
THE Labour Government is planning to build 1.5million houses up and down the country.
Paving over vast acres of green fields and woodland.
They say they won’t do that, but they will.
Because the construction companies much prefer building on greenfield sites.
I don’t suppose it would do any good if I begged them not to go ahead with this vandalism.
We do not have a shortage of houses in this country.
We actually have a large net surplus of houses.
Our housing crisis is really about affordability, not raw numbers.
Election coverage gloats
WATCHING the BBC’s coverage of the General Election did you detect something?
Just the tiniest hint, a faint whiff, the slightest tinge of, you know . . . gloating?
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They seemed to me to be a bit HAPPIER than usual.
A bit less down in the dumps.
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A bit like when Barack Obama was first elected US president.
And you could hear the champagne corks popping in Broadcasting House.