From dial-up modems to blocked porn sites, here’s what Jeremy Corbyn’s free broadband could look like

IN its latest supermarket sweep, the Labour Party has promised to give away full-fibre broadband to every UK household if we elect Jeremy Corbyn PM.

And Shadow Chancellor John McDonnell says the “free” service will only cost the taxpayer £20billion. That’s a drop in the bucket, given the £1.2trillion cost of Labour’s other giveaways.

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A similar policy was adopted by the Australian Labour Party in 2006, with an initial price tag of £8billion.

Thirteen years later, the cost has climbed to £26billion, it still hasn’t been rolled out in some rural areas and only a quarter of users have a good enough connection to access Netflix and other streamlining services.

McDonnell says a future Labour Government would create the British Broadband Service by nationalising BT’s Openreach, and the broadband arms of Sky, TalkTalk and Virgin Media. In other words, not just the main supplier, but all the competitors.

So if Labour’s service doesn’t work there won’t be any alternative. You’ll have to sit there staring at the word “loading” until your hair turns grey.

So here’s what I think the British Broadband Service will look like:

1. Instead of a wi-fi router, you get a dial-up modem.
2. The service only works four days a week.
3. Access to porn sites blocked — apart from Soviet-Angels.com, featuring female Russian border guards. Payment in rubles only.
4. The British Broadband Service’s “content moderators” will block access to all sites promoting “hate speech” and “fake news”, i.e. any newspaper that criticises Corbyn. This includes disparaging references to manholes or allotments.
5. The first 10GB of data will be free but you’ll be charged for anything above that, with your monthly bill calculated by Diane Abbott. Remember, this is the woman who told LBC’s Nick Ferrari that the annual cost of hiring an additional 10,000 police offers would be £300,000, which would mean each officer being paid a salary of £30.
6. If you try to log a complaint about delays and cancellations on Britain’s new nationalised railway you get “Error 404 — page not found”.
7. You won’t be charged for a home visit by a fault engineer, but the waiting time will be 15 years.
8. If you address your internet-connected Alexa device by the wrong gender pronoun, your service will be suspended for a month.
9. The “terms of service” prohibit putting masking tape over the camera on your laptop — Magic Grandpa is always watching.
10. You have free access to an online game, ‘If It Moves, Nationalise It’. Have hours of fun pursuing Britain’s last remaining entrepreneurs as they try to flee to another country.
11. Any Google searches for anything football-related will be directed to Arsenal FC’s website.
12. If you Google “capitalism” you get the spinning wheel of death.

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13. To activate your full-fibre broadband network each day, users are required to issue the following voice command: “Workers of the world unite. Long live Comrade Corbyn.”
14. When setting your password, only use letters from the Cyrillic Alphabet. Example: Птин (translation: Putin).
15. You will still be able to book cheap, family breaks, but only in such holiday hotspots as Venezuela and North Korea.

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