Single people are often seen as living half a life. We’re just incomplete puzzles, desperately searching for the missing piece to make us whole.
But what if the risk is not what we’ll miss out on if we don’t centre our lives around a romantic partner, but what we’ll miss out on if we do?
For millions of people, being single is the key to living their best life. They are what Dr Bella DePaulo calls the “single at heart”, and when I first heard that term, I knew she was talking about me.
After poring over survey data from more than 20,000 people across 100 countries, De Paulo found that – contrary to cultural assumptions that the unpartnered will die miserable and alone, surrounded by cats – those who embrace their single status actually grow happier as they age. The “single at heart” are thriving because of their solo status, not in spite of it.
As a single, child-free woman, this is my experience. There is freedom in knowing you’re following your own path, not one dictated by rigid social norms.
I feel more at peace with myself at 48 than I ever have, and I’ve forged deep connections with people outside the traditional notions of “family”. Far from feeling like a lesser path, my life feels expansive.
It’s not a narrative we hear often. From reality TV dating shows to Hollywood romcoms and Taylor Swift lyrics, marriage and motherhood are sold as the ultimate fairytale ending, and growing old alone the worst possible fate.
It can be hard to imagine a different path when there are so few positive representations of single life. When I heard De Paulo’s story – she’s 70, has never married, never lived with a partner, and is as happy and grounded as anyone you’ll meet – I saw a future that affirmed my choices.
She’s one of many single people I interviewed for my podcast, Well Enough Alone: A Guide To Thriving Solo, who have redefined what it means to be alone.
What I found fascinating about these conversations is the common thread running through them. People talked of the fulfilment and joyful defiance they feel about refusing to be caged by societal expectations.
There are more people living alone today than at any point in human history. In Australia, one in four (26%) homes are single households. In the US it’s nearly 30% and in parts of Sweden, close to half of the population lives alone.
For some this may not be the life they planned but, for many, being single is an active choice. Research from the Survey Center on American Life found that 53% of unpartnered Gen Z and 59% of single millennials were not dating because they preferred being single to being in a relationship, rising to 64% of Gen X and 73% of baby boomers.
Marriage rates continue to decline, “grey divorce” is on the rise and in 25 countries there are more single households than nuclear families.
We’re witnessing a seismic shift in the way we live but society is still structured around the premise that being partnered and having kids is the premium life path and you’ll be rewarded for following it.
Politicians focus budgets on incentives for “working families” while an unspoken “singles tax” sees people on one income often paying more for insurance, travel, household bills and other living expenses.
after newsletter promotion
Perhaps if single status was not viewed as something every unpartnered person wants to change, we would see greater equity for those doing life solo. Instead there is a backlash against women rejecting the narrow path they were told was their natural imperative.
From Andrew Tate’s misogynistic manosphere to Harrison Butker’s commencement speech, or the US supreme court rolling back abortion rights, there is a push to turn back the clock and regain control of our lives.
But as the writer Glynnis MacNicol observes, there is no holding back this tide as more women find fulfilment their own way:
“It’s not just in enjoying my age that I’m defying expectations. It’s that I’ve exempted myself from the central things we’re told give a woman’s life meaning – partnership and parenting. I’ve discovered that despite all the warnings, I regret none of those choices.”
When people warn that I’ll be lonely when I’m older, I say that having a partner or kids won’t necessarily insulate you against loneliness. The loneliest I’ve ever felt was in a relationship that was slowly crushing my spirit.
What I’ve learned from embracing solitude is that being single is not a problem that needs to be fixed.
When you stop searching for “the one” to “complete” you, there is room to cultivate the most important relationship of all – the one you have with yourself.