It takes discipline when drunk and hungry to order takeaway food that requires preparation as opposed to the meat that's been spinning in the window all night. The resulting "shish hiatus", though, can be intriguing, as long as it doesn't end in violence, and the two nocturnal connoisseurs beside me didn't seem that way inclined.
Man 1 "Rang me up at five in the morning, outside my house. Been drinking since one in the afternoon."
Man 2 "Can't believe you answered the phone."
Man 1 "Well it was an emergency. I said to him, 'It's 5am.' He goes, 'I know. I've been kidnapped by a taxi driver. He's trying to take me to a brothel. I don't want to go.'"
Man 2 "How's that work, then?"
Man 1 "He got in the cab and the bloke won't take him home, starts heading off in the other direction, talking about a brothel. So as they get near my place, he phones me, so I can hear it all unfolding. Live."
Man 2 "Breaking news."
Man 1 "Very much so. He says, 'He's showed me a picture of a woman saying she'll do anything I want. But I've looked a bit closer and it's Sarah Harding out of Girls Aloud."
Man 2 "Wow!"
Man 1 "I can hear the driver going, 'You don't like woman? She famous – she just make extra money.' Then he goes, 'That's Sarah Harding out of Girl's Aloud. I don't believe you.' The driver's going, 'Come and see for yourself.'"
Man 2 "He didn't fancy it, then?"
Man 1 "No. He was at the door two minutes later saying, 'It got a bit ugly. I've had to give him £40 to fuck off. I hope I'm right.'"
Holden on Twitter: @thewrongwriter