So you want this season's It Bag do you? What'll it be? A Chloe Paddington, perhaps, with its £6,850 price tag and the rule at Bergdorf's in New York that only three may be ordered per person per month. No? Well, how about the latest Louis Vuitton hit - a mélange of different bits of different bags, all stuck together to produce the Patchwork Tribute. It costs £23,484, by the way, so you may want to ration yourself to just the one. But if you really want to wow your friends this spring, you can do a whole lot better than that. What you need is the It-iest, wittiest bag of the day, a bag so hot that it was chosen as the official goodie-bag for guests at the 2007 Vanity Fair Oscar-night party, a bag that the A-list are mad for, a bag that costs a fiver from Sainsbury's.
The bag - designed by Anya Hindmarch and made from unbleached cotton - has already been dubbed 'the latest symbol of clued-up, plugged-in people power', which is very good going indeed for two squares of fabric and a useful handle. Its cheapness is part of its appeal, but the real key is that it's an Eco Treat. The side of the bag bears the slogan 'I'm Not a Plastic Bag!', an immediate and urgent message to passers-by that you are a friend of the planet. They've sold out, of course (though you can pick one up for £200 on eBay); alternatively, wait just a wee while and they'll be in stock at Sainsbury's.
Clearly, eco-awareness is no longer beardy, worthy, or dull; in one of the greatest retail revolutions of our times, it's hot. Green is glam. Sustainable is sexy. Shopping, says the Economist, is the new politics. In the past year or so, ethical shopping has gone from geeky green to a very chic shade of pistachio. According to the Co-operative Bank, the UK's ethical consumerism was worth £29.3 billion in 2005, for the first time overtaking the retail market for tobacco and alcohol - and a rise of 11 per cent on the previous year. A recent report by the Institute for Grocery Distribution found that shoppers are increasingly willing to pay a premium for high-quality, organic, free-range or fair-trade products. The 'production values' of a product now influence purchase for 68 per cent of shoppers (by comparison, 62 per cent of consumers cite health factors, and a mere 52 per cent mention convenience - that crux of the Nineties).
But, as with all matters of consumer choice, this growing phenomenon comes with a whole new, and sometimes subtle, set of rules. Falling foul of the ever-expanding green agenda - by, perhaps, serving air miles for supper or driving empty bottles of Cloudy Bay to the recycling centre in the back of the 4x4 - is this year's social obstacle course. Get it wrong and you may as well whack kids, drop litter and chain-smoke Lambert & Butler in public.
Have you, perhaps, got a stash of mammothly packaged Baby Bel cheeses lurking at the back of the fridge? Do you still cook without saucepan lids? Are you wearing a blood diamond? A sweat-shop sweat top? Do you have walls without cavity insulation? A roof without turbine? Tut tut people. Get yourself on the path to green enlightenment with our eco shopping quiz ...
1. You need a T-shirt. You head straight for ...
A. American Apparel, because the company uses solar panels on its Los Angeles factory and gives free bicycles, helmets and locks to any employee that wants to cycle to work.
B. Louis Vuitton, because they've built a warehouse which receives its power from geothermal energy and recycles rain and waste water adhering to the strictest environmental standard in France! And Vuitton's latest packaging is made of cardboard boxes with leather details and drawers that the company hopes customers will keep and reuse. Yes please, cries your inner green glutton.
C. Primarche. You are trying hard to find ways to carbon-offset your Primark habit. Isn't there something you can do with trees?
2. You eat ...
A. Only wild meat, as long as it's harvested compassionately. At weekends, you go foraging, scrumping and hedging and make your own nettle tea, which you offer to your dwindling circle of friends.
B. Food from your local farmer's market. Each Saturday, you return home with four tonnes of curly kale, a home-made treacle tart, and a parking ticket for the SUV.
C. Pretty much anything grown in a poly-tunnel and picked by illegal immigrants.
3. You wear ...
A. Tops made from Vegetatian Peace Silk (kind to worms), diamonds certified through the Kimberley Process (guaranteed free of conflict), and zero-carbon hemp sandals from Love Those Shoes. Your halo, incidentally, is made from fair-trade green gold from community mines in Colombia.
B. Jeans from Levi's Eco range, featuring biodegradable coconut-shell buttons and a green (not red) tab.
C. High-street clobber - these companies must be treating their workers properly. They're British! And haven't they all signed some sort of agreement?
4. Your pants come ...
A. From PantSTOPoverty. After all, who wouldn't want a fair-trade gusset? As the saying goes, 'It's time to make justice sexy!'
B. From Selfridges. But you're also thinking about exchanging them for organic, undyed natural-fibre alternatives, maybe just as soon as they start doing them at Agent Provocateur.
C. In five packs from Matalan.
5. Your carbon literacy is ...
A. Exceptional. You know that the annual carbon footprint of the average Briton stands at 10.92 tonnes of CO2; you have decided to cut your own by 8 per cent, in line with Kyoto.
B. Adequate. You drop words like greenwash, ecotoxicity and food sovereignty into the conversation, hoping there won't be a short test later.
C. No, we can't repeat the question. You're not sure what your footprint is, but do they do them in calfskin with a wedge heel?
6. Your vegetables are ...
A. Grown on your own allotment, fed only by the invigorating power of Bach motets.
B. From the local organic-box scheme. The swedes go straight in the bin, the chard rots in the bottom of your A+-rated fridge and you have no clue what to do with the kohlrabi.
C. Flown in from Kenya. How are you supposed to make a Niçoise without green beans?
7. How are you on the 4 Rs (reduce, reuse, repair, recycle)?
A. You take your own mug to Caffe Nero, and tell the woman behind you in the queue that the UK's 6 billion disposable cups are responsible for producing 24,000 tonnes of polystyrene annually. She pokes you in the thigh with a plastic fork.
B. You have an organic bin. But there's nothing in it.
C. The dustmen have started to boycott your house because of all the flat-crap furniture you turf out when you realise you're missing the Allen key and the spronge flacket.
8. You buy ...
A. Only stuff recommended by Ethical Consumer magazine (www.ethicalconsumer.org).
B. Body Shop, Ben & Jerry's, Green & Black's and Rachel's - because they are all counter-culture ethical brands. When your cleaner tells you that these are owned, respectively, by L'Oreal, Unilever, Cadbury-Schweppes and Dean Foods, you spill Goji juice down your Edun chemise.
C. Lots. It's fine, really, because you can send it to the local charity shop when you're done. The local charity shop has barred you from the premises.
9. Your eco pin-up is ...
A. Justin Rowlatt, the BBC's dishy Ethical Man.
B. Julia Roberts, who drives a Prius, takes a metal cup to coffee shops, and is building a solar-powered house in California.
C. Keeley Hazell, the Sun's 20-year-old topless model from Bromley, a big fan of organic food ('You feel fresher in yourself if you know it's organic.') Keeley was listed by David Cameron in his Christmas list of 'Environmental Heroes for 2006' alongside Sir Nicholas Stern, Sir David Attenborough, Prince Charles and the entire Stop Climate Chaos Coalition. Her recommendations include making love in the dark to reduce electricity consumption.
Answers:
Mostly As - You are a Guerilla Shopper, among the 15 per cent of ethical consumers who refuse to buy any products which don't dovetail with their beliefs. Dubbed 'deep green', you're an adept boycotter, a serial marcher, a plus to the planet, but not a whole lot of fun at parties.
Mostly Bs - You, sweetie, are a Showboater, 'concerned', according to the Institute for Grocery Distribution, with your 'middle-class image'. Four per cent of ethical shoppers buy such products because they think it's fashionable and all their friends do it. It's 2007's version of a second home in Tuscany, a Tiffany Bean at your neck or a Mini Cooper Convertible on the drive. Averyl Oates, buying director at Harvey Nichols, which stocks a handful of socially conscious brands, reports that her customers 'absolutely want to be seen to embrace these issues - global warming and Al Gore - but they're not prepared to compromise on standards. They still want style.' Operative words - 'be seen to'.
Mostly C - Hopeless Cynic? Or Lazy Lummox? Either way, your attitudes are out of step with the eco-eager ways of the world. Pull your finger out. Or, at the very least, switch off the lights when you leave.
Win a point
IF ... you know what IFAT, Azo-free, GDA and ECRA mean. In fact, award yourself a further point if you're happy to TIA (Talk In Acronyms).
IF ... you have turned vegan because methane from livestock is responsible for almost a fifth of global emissions - more than all the transport on earth. Nitrous oxide from manure is another wicked pollutant. Poor cows. Blamed for everything.
IF ... you know the Ethiscore of your T-shirt (having checked it out earlier on www.ethiscore.org).
IF ... you're wearing Katharine Hamnett's 'Choose Love' T-shirt from Tesco. Yes, you're OK to go to Tesco again. Possibly. Um. We'll get back to you on this one.
IF ... you have traded your BMW for a hydrogen-fuelled car, like M&S boss Stuart Rose.
IF ... your shopping trolley is full of 'lo-carb' foods and local delicacies. For anyone living in Wells-Next-the-Sea, this will be predominantly whelks. Happy eating!
IF ... you shop at Adili (using the Swahili word for 'ethical', this new website showcases a comprehensive list of fair-trade labels; www.adili.com), Edun (the brainchild of Bono's wife Ali Hewson, Edun's profits are reinvested in local communities in the developing world; www.edun.ie) or People Tree (which started working with Bangladeshi women's groups 14 years ago to produce organic, fairly-traded fashion; this month a capsule collection arrives at TopShop; www.peopletree.co.uk).
IF ... you go to McDonald's for a Fillet-o-Fish. It comes from Marine Stewardship Council certified stocks. Seriously.
IF ... you have ticked off all 100 'Actions to Change the World' on the We Are What We Do website (www.wearewhatwedo.org ), particularly enjoying Action #8 ('share a bath with someone you love').
IF ... you have vowed never to wrestle with a Tetrapak again. Your milk is delivered to the doorstep in glass bottles.
IF ... this season, you have decided to spend more, buy less, feel better.
Lose a point
IF ... you're wearing any of the following: fur, PVC and exotic skins, cotton, wool, silk, rayon, nylon, polyester. Anything that has been dyed or treated. Basically, that leaves you with hemp and bamboo. Comfy.
IF ... you knowingly eat illegal Amazonian soya or palm oil (it's a killer for biodiversity; just ask an orang-utan).
IF ... you walk into a party and announce that your top is from Peacocks. Expect acquaintances to give you the evil eye. One of them might take pity on you and explain that cheap, fast fashion is way, way out of fashion. Rapid turnover of clothes, she'll point out, increases environmental harm at every stage - from growing cotton, through the voracious energy requirements of production and transportation, to disposing of it in landfill. She might add that your top and others like it will end up flooding developing countries with unwanted clothes - where they are sold and undercut the local textile manufacturers. Second-hand cast-offs have all but destroyed the textile trade in Zambia, she'll conclude with a flourish.
IF ... you don't know when the following are in season: watercress, rhubarb, pigeon, asparagus, gooseberries, broad beans, cherries and lobster.
IF ... you drive to the gym. David Miliband is considering making this an arrestable offence.
IF ... your water comes from Fiji. It takes two litres of water to produce a litre of bottled. Think of the water miles! The plastic waste! Three little words: Use the Tap.
IF ... you boycott the high street. Oxfam says boycotts are 'counter-productive, resulting in the closure of factories altogether, leaving vulnerable workers destitute'. Keep shopping, but ask questions first.
IF ... you bought strawberries this week.
IF ... you haven't yet purchased a Greenpac - the world's first 'green' fleece, and made entirely from recycled plastic bottles, on sale in a Marks & Spencer store near you now. The revolutionary fabric is part of the company's £200m environmental overhaul of its £17bn business. RIP polyester.
IF ... you don't BYOB (that's Bring Your Own Bag). The average British shopper uses 167 plastic bags each year; a recent YouGov poll found that although 65 per cent of us consider being good to the environment 'a crucial part of modern life', 42 per cent fail to recycle their carrier bags. Shame on you, you 42.
The eco meter
Learjet or electric car? Turbo-charged or chip oil? Are the famous saving the planet?
Going up: the celiberals Woody Harrelson, our favourite 'celiberal', travelled the Pacific Coast Highway by bicycle and hemp-fuelled bus to publicise SOL (Simple Organic Living). He runs the Voice Yourself website to promote pollution protest and has just completed a month-long green-juice fast. Rather you, dear.
Thom Yorke won't do world tours on account of flight guilt.
Sting claims not to use soap, shampoo or deodorant. He says he prefers his 'own smell'.
Leonardo diCaprio has his very own environmental foundation too (leonardodicaprio.org) and is about to start filming E-topia, the first eco-reality TV series. I know. It's almost too exciting to bear.
Edward Norton, an eco-campaigner long before Hollywood latched on, is a trustee of the Enterprise Foundation, which encourages celebs to help low-income Californians access cheap solar power for their homes. What a sunbeam. Actress Gong Li is an elected member of the Chinese People's Political Consultative Conference. She's just submitted a proposal on the environment, stating that 'Things will become really terrible if we don't take environmental protection more seriously'. You go, Gong.
Cate Blanchett is patron of SolarAid and aims to make the Sydney Theater Company (she is a co-directors) zero-emission. For a more hands-on approach, Daryl Hannah's blog (dhlovelife.com) shows her licking the petrol cap of her biodiesel El Camino. The chip oil that fuels it is, she says, 'somewhere between salt and maple syrup' for toxicity. Hannah is a committed activist with a solar home off the grid. Angelina Jolie tries to fly commercial when she goes shopping for the kids.
Going down: the celibaddies
Camilla Parker Bowles had a favourite pair of shoes flown 3,000 miles from Highgrove to Kuwait for a gala event. And then didn't wear them.
Kanye West recently ordered a takeaway curry to be flown from Cardiff to New York. The Beckhams own 15 vehicles, including two Ferraris, an Aston Martin, a Hummer, a BMW X5, a Lincoln Navigator and a Porsche 993 Turbo, and clocked up an estimated 15,000kg of carbon emissions last year. And still so thin.
Elizabeth Hurley's week-long nuptials produced more carbon than the average couple does in a decade. After the Sudeley Castle event, 24 guests were jetted to India for a six-day jamboree in three cities. Factor in the Maldives honeymoon and you get 196 tons of carbon pumped into the atmosphere - the same as 241 Indians produce a year, according to green experts. Travel for the wedding - including Elton John's flight to Sudeley in a puce helicopter - accounted for 136 tons, while food and drink chuffed out 18 tons.
Tom Cruise is known as 'emissions impossible' for his love of Learjets. John Travolta, meanwhile, has a runway on his patio for his fleet of four jets, including a Boeing 707. Roman Abramovich goes one bigger with his Boeing 767 - the big, bad daddy of private planes, which would normally seat 180 people. It's done up in walnut, mahoghany and gold, apparently. The owners of Google, Sergey Brin and Larry Page, have a 767 too (though they do give their employees a $5,000 bonus if they buy a low-emission hybrid car). Mr Page admits that it might seem ostentatious. But, he says, 'We tend to have an engineering approach, to be fact-based. We looked at this and we just did the economics and we said, "you know, it makes a lot of sense".' But who needs to fly when you can Google Talk?