What's the laziest way to kick-start my wardrobe for spring?
Oh, we love it when you ask a straight question. And here's your straight answer. Buy. A. Silver. Shift. Could it be any easier? There are, however, certain rules. Obey them and you will look like a saucy Barbarella (rather than a squat R2-D2). Don't, under any circumstances, opt for Dolce and Gabbana's steel corset, which made the catwalk model look like she'd been trapped in a car door. Go instead for something sparkly, witty and light - the kind of dress you'd like to meet at a party. In sequins. Or chain mail. Or twinkly little pailettes. Remember that this is big-time glamorama, and not for people who prefer to skulk around on the periphery of a knees-up.
Beyond the simple silver shift, a number of designers showed top-to-toe metallica for spring. The idea is to look vaguely sci-fi and futuristic, as if you read Isaac Asimov and believe in UFOs, without going the whole C-3PO. Nicolas Ghesquière at Balenciaga did precisely this with his paranoid android articulated metallic leggings, which, incidentally, cost £7,500. We dare you to buy a pair - oh, go on, who needs to buy anything else this year? - and then wear them to collect the kids from school.
Who's pushing it? Lanvin, Marc Jacobs, Jil Sander, Ralph Lauren, Giles, Chanel, Pucci, Gucci, Fendi, Zac Posen, John Rocha, Ungaro - you name it - anyone who didn't show a silver dress on their spring catwalk should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.
The risk: You can very easily wind up looking like a Quality Street left over from Christmas. Or a Trojan foot soldier. Or even an oven-ready bird. All valid looks, we daresay, but not ones you'll want to exercise in public.
The trick: Accessorise carefully. You could feasibly step out in just your silver shift and nothing else at all. Very Kate in Ibiza. Or you could just wear a pair of silver thongs ...
The snip: You'll have no trouble tracking down a cheaper version of the shift. Try the Reiss silver mini 'Maggie' dress, £225, and ruffle-skirt silver organza 'Jo' mini, £145, or River Island's metallic one-shoulder mini dress, £34.99. If you haven't been able to bag the Primark sequin shift, £18, try the Marks & Spencer Limited silver sequin tunic, £89; or Warehouse's, £55, silver frock. For top-to-toe metallics, Mango has silvery wide-legged pants, £40, to wear with your go-go tunic.
The mini-mini
How old is too old for the Mini Mini?
Ask J Lo. She's been stepping out in high old style lately. And she's 37. OK, so Jenny has a team of flunkeys whose job it is to enhance the texture and tone of each square inch of her inner thigh. But still, this is not about age, it's about legs. And if you have a decent pair, then why not knock yourself out in a new-season MM? Be aware, though, that this spring's hemlines aren't just common-or-garden short, they're micro-short, which promises quite a few more celebrity kebab shots on gossip web sites before spring is out. Vogue calls these little frocks 'Freedom Dresses' (because 'the shapes make your legs feel totally liberated') - which is a lovely thought (such ventilation!) and all very well if your thighs are all lightning and no thunder. So, if in a dim light, you look like a heyday Twiggy (and here I am talking chiefly to Sienna Miller and, um, there was someone else ...), then go for it. If, however, your legs are logs, then give the MM a miss.
Who's pushing it? Very few key designers sat this one out - you'll find it at Pucci, DvF, Chanel, Gucci, Giles, Chloé, Philosophy, Dolce, Versace, Marc by Marc, Biba, Prada, Temperley ... pauses for breath ... so, you see, it's an unavoidable element in this spring's dressing. The comforting news is that the MM dress comes in a comprehensive variety of forms - the cling, the swing, the sack, the bubble, the tunic. What they all have in common, though, is a helluva high hem, so prepare to introduce your bikini line to the world, my friends.
The risk: If your thighs meet in the middle, it's a no. If you've kissed your ass goodbye, it's a don't-you-even-dare. If you're over 40, buy a mini dress and wear it as a top.
The trick: Adapt to survive. The MM gets along fine with thick black tights, leggings and cigarette pants. Add a sturdy platform sandal (wear last year's, they're still hot to trot; actually, in a curious departure from standard fashion procedure, they're about to get hotter) to give the illusion of length to a leg, and also to balance out a chunkier thigh and/or knee. A big, over-large masculine cut blazer (and there are lots around), worn over longer mini variant, will make said mini look mini-er than it actually is, providing the illusion of MM, with much more coverage.
The snip: We love the Wallis satin tunic £65 and New Look's floral Shanghai mini dress £25. Team with H&M's orange coat £59.99. But your best investment, as we tell you endlessly, is a pair of black opaque tights (see J Lo, and stock up on Wolford Velvet de Luxe 50).
The bold print
How loud is too loud a print? This season, they should be deafening. A cacophony of print. Shrug off your inhibitions. Your clothes should sing. And no querulous little blip of a sound, thank you very much. We want noise, great gusts of look-at-me colour and proud-to-be print. As Sienna Miller knows very well, a Pucci print has long been a girl's best friend - there's something uplifting about wearing an outfit that cries 'check me out' to passers-by. Prints are the antithesis of winter's drab colour palette and they'll fly off the rails. Broadly speaking, there are three equally feisty ways to go with this one, making this a trend with universal appeal. Retro prints - like the bonkers Seventies button-and-bead tunics at Chloé - are huge. Bigger still are the florals: wild flower prints, like Oscar de la Renta's poppies or Moschino's brash sunflowers. Otherwise, and for anyone who is hoping to retain a modicum of sobriety, it's a graphic black-and-white story: zigs, zags, zebra stripes.
Who's pushing it? Who isn't? Versace, Prada, Chanel and Pucci did it best.
The risk: If you're built like a sofa, it's best not to dress like one.
The trick: Don't think too hard about this print malarkey, you'll come over all shy and opt for something with less to say. You've got to just embrace it. But one printed piece at a time, please: keep accessories low-key and go monochrome if colour is too difficult for you.
The snip: Go to Mango for the wild black-and-yellow swirl tunic, £32, or the very Versace retro-print dress, £45. Two favourites are from New Look - the superb modernist print satin shift dress, £35, and the chrysanthemum-print silk shift dress, £35. Wallis is doing a gorgeous print tunic, £30, in its limited edition range. If it's monochrome you're after, try the Marks & Spencer Limited graphic black-and-white silk dress, £39.50, Principles black-and-white flower print mini dress, £49, or Zara's monochrome A-line tunic dress, £69.
The new sporty
What's all this about Nu-Rave Body Con? It might sound like a difficult new class at your local gym, but what it boils down to is a bold fusion of sports kit and neon colour. You will, however, probably have to commit to a difficult new class at your gym if you have any hope of succeeding with this look. To give these second-skin dresses a snowball's chance in Hades, you require a hard bod, in the Madonna vein. This look clings.
If you can summon up the energy, go DayGlo. If you insist on sticking to bold primary colours, Yves Klein blue and canary yellow are the colours du jour. Wear them together if you're both brave and mad.
If you're not into cling, the Nineties Sporty vibe has trickled into all manner of clothes - with stripes and zips, hi-tech fabrics and racer stripes, sweats and hoodies, parkas and bombers cropping up all over, which means Prada Linea Rossa (formerly Prada Sport) is back in pole position. Admittedly, a neon-pink mini skirt isn't for everyone. But look upon this Body Con rap as a logical sequel to leggings. You love them, don't you? Didn't think you would, did you? See! The forward thrust of fashion at work.
Who's pushing it? Christopher Kane who is now peddling a fab line in Topshop, alongside Body Con buddy Marios Schwab. Elsewhere, Dries van Noten's electric-yellow parka and Stella McCartney's romper catsuit sum up the playtime mood.
The risk: No amount of Lycra will contain a vat of lard. So disrobe. Confront the mirror. Whisper 'Nu-Rave-Body-Con' to your reflection. If it flinches, forget it (we are).
The trick: Add a flash of neon: a fluoro patent belt or DayGlo bangles (M&S, £7).
The snip: Try Topshop's electric-blue parka, £55, with River Island's black satin jumpsuit, £59.99. Otherwise, it's a silver parka, £80, and electric blue satin top, £35, at Wallis; or H&M's green velour zipped play dress, £39, and its khaki all-in-one catsuit, £29.90.
Five hot trends that leave us cold ...
1. The Urban Turban: Miuccia Prada really started the trend, declaring that, 'Turbans have always been worn in different cultures to represent beauty and strength, before becoming a symbol of glamour in Hollywood. It perfectly reflects today's world.' Not convinced, sorry. In today's world, a turban makes a woman look as if she's halfway between a wash and a blow dry. Next, they'll be telling us to buy one of those cheap checked laundry bags.
2. Louis Vuitton's cheap checked laundry bag: Actually, this bag has been christened the 'East West' and elicited a rash of adoration from the front row at the show. We're sticklers for authenticity, though, and thus prefer the original purchased from our local Bubble-O-Matic launderette.
3. Rucksacks: Nothing against rucksacks per se. Perfect up Pen Y Fan with a slab of Kendal Mint Cake and a Thermos of tea. Besides, the Prada nylon backpack was great back in the dawn of the Nineties. But a 50-litre ruckie? However would you find your lippie?
4. Ankle-biters: The latest trouser stops just north of the ankle. This is a fiendishly silly look and will make you look like Norman Wisdom.
5. 80s cropped tops. No explanation required.