You are in a bustling Parisian brasserie, the approximate size of three football pitches. Your steak frites have arrived, piping hot. It would be nice to have some pepper with that steak, wouldn't it? However, there is none on your table. Typical. Your waiter is miles away and you are not even sure what the French word for pepper is anyway. Peppe? Pipi? Peepee pourri? You should have studied harder at school. You should never have married that half-wit you met on the 5.15 to Basingstoke. You should have learned to smell the roses and ... hold hard, readers! Now is not the time to have an emotional collapse about the opportunities missed in your sad wreck of a life. Now is the time to grind some pepper on that slab of prime cow before it gets cold. Seize the moment, and that fat pile of chips! So what must you do to essay this most desirous state of culinary events, given the inhospitable restaurant terrain? Tee teedle tee! Now is the perfect time to employ some WRIST action.
WRIST is the World Restaurant International Sign Technique, an ancient form of communication, recognised everywhere from Ull to Onolulu. To request pepper in a non-speaks situation, all you have to do is hold your hands high above your head. Loosely clench your fists and place them on top of each other in an upright position, then rotate each fist 180 degrees in opposite directions simultaneously. This provides a convincing mime of grinding pepper through a commercially produced pepper mill, and alerts the waiter to your seasoning needs. He will now be happy to dash across the restaurant to provide you with a pepper mill and his profuse apologies.
Other common forms of WRIST include the following:
1) Raise your right hand in front of your mouth, then squeeze your thumb and index finger together, as if squashing a bee. Then make your whole hand tremble, as if said bee had just given you an electric shock. This means: 'Waiter, an espresso please.'
2) Raise your left hand to forehead level at the side of your head, as if saying 'How' to a Native American. Now lower the fingers into the palm of your hand in repeated short bursts. This means: 'Waiter, I would like to hand-pump a segment of yellow-skinned citrus fruit in this manner, thus releasing droplets of its juice over my seafood. Am I making myself clear? I want a bit of lemon to go with my Dover sole and cannot believe you forgot to bring it in the first place. God, the standards at Café Haddock are slipping.' However, beware this particular WRIST action in establishments where the elderly congregate, as you might end up with an ear trumpet instead of a half lemon.
3) Using both hands, mimic the tying of a knot at the side of your neck, then raise one hand high, as if you are still holding one end of this imaginary tie or ligature. Now stick your tongue out and make your eyes bulge. This alerts everyone in the restaurant to the fact that you are finding your dinner date a bit of a bore.
4) Lift the empty wine bottle out of your ice bucket. Hold it up, point to it with your free hand, then make a roll-over motion with this hand. This means: 'Can we have another wattle of bine, pleesh, hic?'
5) Raise your right hand, extend your index finger to its fullest length and point at your mother-in-law. This is the formal, correct response at the beginning of the meal when the waiter delivers your table's starters and asks: 'Who is the potted crab?'
6) Perhaps the most famous WRIST gesture is when customers take it upon themselves to sign a giant invisible cheque in the air. For centuries this has meant: 'Can I have the bill and go home, please?' These days this action is so archaic, it's almost amusing. In the UK, the correct World Restaurant International Style Technique for requesting your bill now means holding your hands apart, as if your are requesting a parrot-sized coffin. Now stab the palm of your hand four times with a finger, simulating the act of punching in your PIN number.
7) Grimace and repeatedly thump your lightly perspiring forehead with clenched fists. This means: 'What in the name of crikey is my pin number again?'
8) Finally, raise your WRIST elbows to shoulder height and flap up and down as if shrugging on an item of clothing. This means: 'I'll get my coat'.
Three restaurants for sign language
L'Anima
1 Snowden Street, Broadgate West, London EC2 (020 7422 7000)
White leather luxe in the City. Eat scrumptious Italian dishes such as spit-roast leg of lamb with cannellini beans and frito misto with lemon.
WRIST: Cupped hands and a hopeful expression: 'One more dark-choc-iced truffle, please. Pronto!'
Cha Cha Moon
15-21 Ganton Street, London W1 (020 7297 9800)
If you need a big bowl of piping-hot seafood Ho Fun and a glass of Wha Lulu to make you feel good about yourself again, this is the place. Chinese staples, with 36 dishes to choose from, all priced at £3.50.
WRIST: Rapping index and next fingers on the table: 'Thank you.'
Quo Vadis
26-29 Dean Street, London W1 (020 7437 9585)
Lots of English grill-room staples in a room reminiscent of the Ivy. Private club upstairs, complete with pianist and lovely bar.
WRIST: Snap fingers above your head, flamenco-style: 'I'd like some croquetas, a bowl of clams and a glass of sherry.'
·Read Jan Moir's restaurant reviews on areyoureadytoorder.co.uk