If you are asking me how to send a dish back in a restaurant, then you are asking perhaps the wrong person. For my advice about sending a dish back in a restaurant would be: don't do it, my friend. Not if you want to live until the end of your meal. Not if you want to sip your overpriced espresso and wonder all over again why two salads, an asparagus risotto, one portion of grilled chicken and a slice of lemon tart costs more than your sofa. Chefs don't like it when you send their food back. It is a metaphoric slap around the chops with a cold kipper in front of the whole restaurant. They find it humiliating, not humbling. How many episodes of Ready Steady Cook or Hell's Kitchen does it take to convince the public that cheffy is the king of current society? Need I remind you of Catherine Zeta-Jones starring as an uptight chef in the film No Reservations? Especially the scene where she spears an uncooked steak onto a customer's table after he had sent it back twice because it wasn't rare enough? Talk about an Oscar-winning display of raw emotion! I mean the steak, of course, not Catherine. Bad chefs in particular do not like it when you send bad food back. They really, really don't. 'So she doesn't like how I garnish her guinea fowl with girolles, eh?' Blam, blam, blam, blam. 'See how she likes it now, when I garnish it with the heel of my clog.'
Believe me, this sort of stuff happens. On the other hand, a good chef will be genuinely concerned. A million innocent things can and do go wrong in a kitchen every day. Most cooks will want to right the perceived wrong and send you home happy into the night. They will try to fix the problem. Even if it's not a problem at all. I mean, it's hardly fair to send back your grilled halibut because you think it's boring. Maybe it is boring, but you should have thought of that before you ordered it.
Likewise, it's hard to understand the insouciance of those about to drop £200 on dinner who don't pay proper attention to the menu. They sort of alight on the word 'lamb' or 'duck' and just go for it without studying the small print. Then they get upset when unexpected testicles and neck gizzards suddenly arrive in front of them. But look on the bright side. At least now they know how it feels to be wardrobe mistress on a Rolling Stones tour.
Of course, some dishes should never, ever be sent back to the kitchen. They should be hurled in the direction of the swinging doors with great force. Among their number would be any seafood dishes that smell of ammonia, anything except Melba toast that curls up at the edges and objects that manage to move all by themselves across the plate. But please do it nicely. Don't wave your arms about and shout, 'My dog wouldn't eat this crap!' even if it might be true. Just explain the problem and ask them to sort it out. If it really is a serious hygiene issue, then leave the premises forthwith and I mean it. Why even take the risk? You see something small and furry moving across the carpet that's not a Scottish singer called Lulu? It's time to exit stage left.
Other things that should be returned to sender include, in theory, any hot dishes that are cold and vice versa. Anything not cooked correctly, or as requested, or obviously mistreated or adulterated in some way? Back, back, back. Yet it is never quite as simple as that, is it? Say, for example, your turbot arrives cold. You send it back to the kitchen. Most chefs will merely reheat it, which will just make it hot and tough - a condition known as a Daniel Craig, in the trade. The same thing applies with overdone or underdone steaks.
My strategy is to go with a wide margin of error either way - just to keep the table bonhomie intact and the evening go with a swing. For nobody goes to a restaurant to send food back. We go to have a good time with our friends, not moan about the state of the entrees or to break our teeth on the spaghetti. However, if you are going to complain, don't take more than a few mouthfuls. Otherwise, you won't have any credibility, you greedy pig. Don't forget that the degree of warmth with which your server asks, 'Was everything all right?' will be in direct proportion to their huffy froideur when you tell them, 'No, it was not'. Enjoy!
3 restaurants where you shouldn't need to
Murano
20 Queen Street, London W1, 020 7592 1222
Fancy sending anything back to chef Angela Hartnett? No fear! Ange looks like she would wrestle any moaners into a headlock and out into the Mayfair gutters before they could say 'al dente'. Not that there's much to complain about in her plush new restaurant. I love the perfect zabaglione, served in little copper pots.
Giaconda Dining Room
9 Denmark Street, London WC2, 020 7240 3334
Paul Merrony is the kind of chef who sends diners home happy. He has user-friendly prices, great service and a downhome charm. Lovely dishes include chicken liver and juniper pâté; fishcakes with tartare sauce and roast chicken for two. He says it's the tiniest restaurant kitchen in London and there's no room for mistakes.
Hix Oyster & Fish House
Cobb Road, Lyme Regis, Dorset, 01297 446910
Actually I did have to send my fish back here; a sad lemon sole with some dried-out surf clams and a wash of soggy samphire. They took it off the bill, and while this is always appreciated, it is scant compensation for a ruined lunch. Perhaps the kitchen was having an off day? It is a lovely spot, however, with views of the sea and the famous Cobb.
· These restaurants and hundreds more are on Jan's restaurant website.