Craig Hill
I've performed at the Edinburgh Festival for 10 years. I get shouted at a lot: "what's under your kilt?" I always say "your future!" The festival's great but the funniest thing that happened to me was on a crowded bus. This poor woman got on who, I assume, must have got ready in a rush and grabbed her coat off the washing line because she sat in front of me with two huge wooden pegs on each shoulder. The whole bus was in hysterics but no one told her why, because then it wouldn't have been funny anymore. The temptation to go up and say "Hello Peggy!" was huge.
· Craig Hill is performing at Newbury Corn Exchange (cornexchangenew.com) July 11, and at the Gilded Balloon for the Edinburgh Festival July 31-August 25 (gildedballoon.co.uk).
Lucy Porter
There used to be a brilliant comedy gig in Derry at the Delacroix Inn. One of the best things about it was the weird B&B they put the comics in. It wasn't so much the sticky carpets and strange smells that bothered you, but on my first visit the landlord came bursting into my room at three in the morning bellowing "Where is he?" He then proceeded to search my room for signs of illicit sexual activity, while I cowered alone under the covers.
· The Bare Necessities will show at the Edinburgh Fringe, July 30-August 25. (edfringe.com).
Pappy's Fun Club
The landlady at the Admiral Owen Pub in Sandwich, Kent, always insisted that Spike Milligan spent his honeymoon night here. We know this because it's where we began performing comedy and before each gig she'd make an announcement to ensure the audience was aware of her pub's comedy heritage. The mere mention of Milligan's name raised expectations that we couldn't possibly fulfil. The week he died she insisted we show a video of his brilliant, groundbreaking Q series before we novices took to the stage. The locals wasted no time in pointing out the clear difference in quality.
· Pappy's Fun Club host a sketch night every last Monday of the month at the Wilmington Arms in Clerkenwell, London.
Barry Cryer
My weirdest gig was at a business fair outside Harrogate. The guy who booked me said "you are on at 9.45." I thought that's OK but it was 9.45am. Anyway I told him he was mad doing comedy at that time. "No we do it every year and they love it," he said. So I turn up in this massive marquee where there is a video link with Hull set up.
It turned out that I was going to be sharing the bill with George Bush senior. I didn't stick around to see how he got on but I'm sure I was much better value for money.
· See Barry Cryer at the Chichester Festivities (chifest.org.uk) on July 5.
Wil Hodgson
I remember going to the Paignton Palace theatre in about 1984 to see the Krankies supported by Stu "I could crush a grape" Francis. There was also some cat in a spangly suit singing Bond themes accompanied by Legs &
Co-style dancers. It was one of the greatest shows I've ever seen and I'm not being ironic or flippant. A proper seaside showbiz extravaganza. Acts like the Krankies, Russ Abbot and Jimmy Cricket mean far more to me than Bill Hicks or Alexei Sayle. The irony is that if the Krankies were to see my act they'd probably think it was utter rot as I just bang on about Care Bears mostly.
· Wil Hodgson plays the N20 Comedy Festival at the Battersea Arts Centre, London (bac.org.uk) on July 19.
Marcus Brigstocke
At a gig in Birmingham
I once had a leg thrown at me. This man with a prosthetic limb was so angry with me that he undid his leg and threw it at me. There was no real comeback to that, apart from some shameless leg puns.
· Marcus Brigstocke's DVD, Planet Corduroy, is available now.
Graham Fellows aka John Shuttleworth
I used to stay at the Columbia Hotel (columbiahotel.co.uk) in Lancaster Gate, London, when I was on tour. Made famous by Oasis, who allegedly trashed the fourth floor on a regular basis, the bar always seemed to be closed (even at 8pm) and could only be opened by bribing the grumpy night porter. Breakfasts here were a similarly bewildering affair. An elderly waitress called Joan would turf you out of the seat you'd been shown to by someone else, and secrete you in a dark corner before abandoning you. But I quite liked that, and the miniscule full English that eventually arrived.
· John Shuttleworth is currently starring in his self-produced documentary It's Nice Up North available from shuttleworths.co.uk.
Richard Herring
The Derwent Pencil Museum (pencils.co.uk) in Keswick boasts that it's "the only attraction in the world devoted exclusively to the rich and fascinating history of the pencil". They don't seem to consider that there might be a reason for this. Because no one else thinks the pencil is worth celebrating. But everyone else is an idiot. Why not celebrate the pencil?
They manage to pack a lot in to the small shed that houses the attraction, a recreation of a graphite mine (which is actually less interesting than you are imagining), a room full of pencils which have changed only very slightly since they were first invented by John Ladyman (even his name is funny) and a screening room showing The Snowman which was drawn with pencils. Plus they have the second biggest pencil in the world. Not even the biggest. It's brilliant. I've been twice.
· Richard Herring is performing The Headmaster's Son at White Belly at 7.30pm throughout the Edinburgh Fringe (edfringe.com).
Andy Zaltzman
Swansea seafront is one of the human and natural worlds' most underrated joint achievements - the perfect marriage of majestic coastline and budget accommodation. There is no joke in the history of comedy that could not feasibly have been written on Swansea seafront. From the point of view of a middle-class, English stand-up there is no finer way to recover mental equilibrium after receiving the merited scorn of the audience, than by marching out of a one-frill-at-most B&B, onto the windswept arc of Swansea bay, gazing across the ambivalent waves, and acknowledging to yourself that you deserved that cocktail of silence and derision - safe in the knowledge that your wallet is only £15 worse off.
Catch Andy Zaltzman at the Edinburgh Fringe performing at The Stand, daily, at 2.40pm, and hosting Political Animal at The Underbelly, Wednesday to Sunday, 10.30pm. See thestand.co.uk and whatareyoulaughingat.co.uk for details.
Ian Moore
I once visited Torquay Aquarium, killing time before a gig. It was a depressing little place, and I was the only visitor. The fish on display all looked ill except for the catfish which was quite clearly dead. I pointed this out to the attendant, who argued that it was merely resting and that this was a trait of this catfish species.
"I'm a Monty Python fan as well," I said. We don't have pythons, she replied, only fish.
· Ian Moore is performing at Up The Creek in Greenwich, London, on July 4 (up-the-creek.com).
· Explore the English tourist board's comedy map at enjoyengland.com/comedy