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ALLY ROSS
BBC’S woeful Olympics closing ceremony coverage saved by hero who suddenly went rogue in magnificent fashion
The closing ceremony was a lot like the opening one and the Games themselves
NEARLY four hours into BBC One’s coverage of the Olympics closing ceremony, someone who looked a lot like Tom Cruise, with mumps, hurled himself off the Stade de France roof.
And who could blame him?
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I’d have gone a lot earlier, in his position.
Probably when the giant hamster-wheel gimps were flinging themselves around.
Or during the Hymn To Apollo chorus, accompanied by the dangling piano man.
Or at any point when commentators Hazel Irvine and Andrew Cotter were eulogising athlete mums, which felt like all the bloody time.
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Because the closing ceremony was a lot like the opening one and the Games themselves.
If you wanted to see a moment of pure, unadulterated joy, you knew you were going to have to sit through an awful lot of dull stuff first.
The signs on Sunday evening didn’t look particularly promising, either.
In charge for the occasion was Clare Balding, who now talks to viewers like she’s a children’s TV presenter, flanked by a panel that, much like the Beeb’s coverage, was as uninspired and random as it gets, with Chris Hoy and Laura Kenny being joined by Fred Sirieix, the front-of- house bloke from Channel 4’s First Dates.
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Fred’s got skin in the game, obviously, thanks to his diving daughter, but his unavoidable presence at the beginning, middle and end of these Games is one of 2024’s great mysteries given he’s also “Le Grand Maitre du bleeding obvious”.
For nothing that ever leaves his gob comes as a huge surprise, least of all Sunday’s killer observation that: “President Macron is a Frenchman who’s very proud.”
Closing ceremony sees Tom Cruise make show-stopping appearance as the Games handed over to Hollywood
Occasionally, I also started to wonder if Fred is actually French or was created by some Mind Your Language spin-off project, given that he can sound like some sitcom p***-take with the obliging way he says, “the joie de vivre, the escargot for lunch, the glass of wine”, the pursed lips, the Gallic shrug.
It’s, ’ow you say, a bit suspicious, non?
Lucky for Fred, Clare and the gang, then, that, very much in keeping with the pattern set by Celine Dion, on day one, an unlikely hero emerged here looking surprisingly like Richard Arnold off Good Morning Britain.
That hero was rower Matthew Pinsent, who, when fed a question about the challenges facing the next President of the International Olympic Committee, by Clare, suddenly went rogue in magnificent fashion.
We can speculate for ever about his reasons, of course, and whether it owed anything to the fact he has a daughter and has also seen ex-BBC colleagues, like Garry Herbert, Steve Redgrave and James Cracknell, disappear in the superficial name of diversity, or was just disgusted by what he’d seen at the women’s boxing.
But his response was brilliant.
“The boxing headlines,” he said, “Were unfortunate and unpleasant.
"But they were totally of the IOC’s own creation because they can’t have both equity and inclusion and it’s so weird they’ve allowed it to happen.”
Escargot for lunch
That is to say, you cannot have two biological men beating up women to win Olympic titles.
A sentiment that seemed to beg for some agreement from Clare Balding, who offered only the thought that: “It’s an interesting time ahead.”
It is indeed.
But eventually Clare and the BBC will have to decide if it’s just the moral grandstanding about diversity and equality they enjoy or if they’re actually prepared to join Pinsent and Sharron Davies in the real battle to save women’s sport from the encroachment of men.
Ramen noodles
Meantime, the evasions continued at the closing ceremony, where Andrew Cotter and Hazel Irvine were happy to applaud Adam Peaty for “changing the conversation around men’s mental health”, but offered no opinion either way when Algeria’s Imane Khelif brandished a gold boxing medal at the camera.
What I did learn from them both, though, was that the people of the Philippines are so excited by Carlos Yulo’s two gymnastic victories they have offered him “Ramen noodles and free colonoscopies for life”.
A hell of an offer, but I’d take the Adobo chicken and fried rice, if I were him.
Unexpected morons in the bagging area
THE Chase, Bradley Walsh: “Which South American country has a four-letter name?”
Ella: “The Democratic Republic of the Congo.”
Bradley Walsh: “Marcus’s Kitchen is a book by which celebrity chef?”
Ella: “Gordon Ramsay.”
Tipping Point, Ben Shephard: “The Las Vegas double act whose magic shows featured white tigers are Siegfried and who?” Holly: “Bass.”
And Bradley Walsh: “Which former tennis-playing TV presenter was nicknamed the Paignton Peach?”
Ian: “John McEnroe.”
Random TV irritations
BBC One’s youth-chasing morons devoting an episode of Who Do You Think You Are? to Gemma Collins.
Nick Knowles clearly expecting One Show viewers to gasp in astonishment when he told them: “I’m literally the least talented person in my family.”
And the vaginal steaming scenes on Miriam Margolyes’ Australian Adventure, which were accompanied by advice from an old hippie called Sally: “Breathe and try not to think of anything.”
I’m trying, Sal.
But once you’ve seen Professor Sprout steaming her whatnot, you may never be able to think of anything else ever again.
THAT’S A DENSE JUNGLE
NEW territory has been breached with the latest series of BBC One’s Celebrity Race Across The World.
A contestant so far down fame’s food chain he didn’t just guess the question on every viewer’s lips, he got the answer as well.
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“Who is Freddy Brazier? I don’t know.”
An unhelpful response but, apparently, he’s Jeff Brazier’s other son and not the only “celeb” with an identity crisis on this Amazon to the Andes run.
Accompanied by his cousin, Mary Ellen, actor Kola Bokinni is worried fame may change him (Relax, pal) and Kelly Brook now claims: “Kelly Brook doesn’t exist. It’s an illusion.”
A thought that may already have occurred to her slightly morose
husband, Jeremy Parisi, who wears the expression of a man not expecting Kelly to have entered “the Charlie Dimmock phase” quite so soon.
Making up the numbers is DJ Scott Mills and tightwad husband Sam, so you wouldn’t ever mistake the group for the Brains Trust.
Indeed, several of them are so dense they probably thought one of the first stops, Fortaleza, was the setting for Carry On Up The Khyber.
As you can imagine, then, race tactics aren’t exactly foolproof and either seem to involve blowing their meagre budget on nice accommodation or taking an expensive taxi ride into the middle of nowhere, which left Jeff trudging back to civilisation, on Wednesday, with a rueful: “This is going to be an absolute s***show.”
But I disagree. I think this show and Field Of Dreams are the first signs, in months, that TV’s worth watching again and I’m ready to be hooked. (BBC One, Wednesday, 9pm.)
GREAT TV lies and delusions. The Olympics closing ceremony, Hazel Irvine: “We’re about to see something special.
There will be a bit of time travel as well.” Great. Fast- forward to 11 o’clock, please.
Great Olympic insights
BRADLY SINDEN: “For me it was gold or nothing. But I would have fought for the bronze.”
Colin Jackson: “In hurdling, clearing the hurdle is key.” Ed Leigh: “You can feel the pain as he puts his hands in his head.”
Compiled by Graham Wray
TIPPING Point, Ben Shephard: “First published in 1947, The Diary Of A Young Girl was written by who?”
Bzzzz. Geri Halliwell?
TV GOLD
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THE more-than-welcome return of BBC One’s Celebrity Race Across The World and Freddie Flintoff’s inspirational second Field Of Dreams series.
Episode two of Titanic In Colour, on Channel 4.
And all the spontaneous brilliance of the Olympic Games.
But especially the moment where John Lennon’s Imagine defused a row at the women’s Beach Volleyball final and BBC commentator John Cullen showed the presence of mind to add this flourish to the scoreline of a bruising Taekwondo encounter between Bradly Sinden and Marko Golubic: “It’s nine to five. What a way to make a living.”
TUESDAY, 8.42pm. A straight choice between Katherine Ryan and Abbey Clancy, cooking chocolate fondants, on ITV’s Cooking With The Stars, or BBC One, where Craig Doyle was cooking chocolate fondants on Celebrity MasterChef.
Thank you, then, mainstream television, for the bounteous gifts of variety and imagination you have bestowed upon viewers.
But if one more TV chef tells me “it’s got to be gooey in the middle”, I may not be responsible for my actions.
OLYMPIC Filth Corner. Bronze – Gymnastics, Craig Heap: “If you’re doing a Yurchenko, you’ve got 12 inches to get your hands on.”
Silver – Diving, Leon Taylor: “The judges are looking for a vertical entry with the French women.”
Gold – Weightlifting commentator Jono Farr: “Duangaksorn Chaidee made us sweat in the snatch, she made us sweat in the clean, it took a while to get into position, but that jerk was very powerful.”
And don’t say you weren’t warned.
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Lookalike of the week
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THIS week’s winner is Baroness Hallett, who’s in charge of the ruinously expensive Covid-19 Inquiry, and Jimmy Krankie.
Sent in by Paul Wing.