I share a bed with my kids to guarantee a decent night’s kip – my hubby sleeps on the floor and we have sex in the loo
AT the end of a busy day Aimee Bradley climbs into a comfy double bed.
Sadly for husband Davin, she doesn’t share with him but another male in her life, six-month-old Blake.
Aimee is one of a rising number of parents co-sleeping with their young children and did the same thing for at least the first year of nine-year-old daughter Autumn and three-year-old Ashton’s lives.
Davin sleeps on a mattress on son Ashton’s bedroom floor.
And what of Aimee and Davin’s sex life?
A quickie in the downstairs loo is about all they manage these days.
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After Autumn was born there was no sex for a year.
The couple are sharing their story, a tale that will sound all too familiar for millions of parents, after actress Helen Flanagan revealed she had not slept in the same bed as fiancé Scott Sinclair since eldest child Matilda, six, was born as she has since been co-sleeping with Matilda, then Delilah, three, now Charlie, one.
The Corrie favourite, who has been engaged to footballer Scott since 2018, said the couple are more like “flatmates”, adding: “I’ve always just co-slept with the kids out of easiness . . . ”
Aimee can relate to it but says that sharing her bed with the kids instead of her husband comes at a cost — her relationship with Davin.
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“I co-slept with all my children for at least a year. With Ashton it was pretty much until Blake was born, so he was two and a half,” says the stay-at-home mum from Havant, Hampshire.
“With Blake, I fell into it as it’s the easiest way for me and him to get a decent sleep. I breastfeed him so I don’t have to get up and I also love the cuddles.
“But it comes at a price — and that’s my husband’s happiness. We have very little alone time and he’s fed up.
“I feel guilty, but babies grow up quickly and this time is a tiny chunk out of what will be a long marriage.
“We only manage to have sex by snatching a few moments in the kitchen or the downstairs loo.
“Up until a few weeks ago it was at least spontaneous, which spiced it up.
"But then Autumn walked in on us having sex on the sofa — I was mortified.
"Now, if we’re in the mood for sex, we put a laundry basket at the top and bottom of the stairs so we hear them move if Autumn comes down the stairs.
“There’s no spontaneity and I worry about getting caught.
“Other times we wait until Davin has a day off during the week and Autumn is at school. There’s no time for an emotional connection, it’s ticking a box.
"Davin will say, ‘this (co-sleeping) has got to stop’, but I’ll do whatever it takes to have a contented baby who sleeps. Although I hate Davin being miserable, I’ll carry on co-sleeping.”
Davin, 38, an electrical engineer, says: “We didn’t have sex for a year after having Autumn. Adapting to having a baby took its toll on our relationship and we ended up going for counselling.
Autumn walked in on us having sex on the sofa — I was mortified.
Aimee Bradley
“And now I feel pushed out and long to have a good night’s sleep with my wife. I understand Aimee’s reasons why she co-sleeps — this way we all manage to get some sleep — but I’m hoping it doesn’t go on for much longer.”
Expert nanny Kathryn Mewes says Davin’s feelings are not unusual.
The mum of two, presenter of cable TV’s The Three Day Nanny, says: “I’m not saying couples must have sex every night to have a healthy relationship.
“Neither am I suggesting that mums who co-sleep at some point during their child’s life should be riddled with guilt.
“But when a partner doesn’t feel welcome in their own bedroom, they can stop feeling welcome in the relationship altogether. And who benefits from the arrangement anyway? You or your child?”
A survey of 8,500 parents by the Lullaby Trust found that 76 per cent have co-slept with their baby.
The NHS advises that the safest place for your baby to sleep for the first six months is in a cot in your room, and it highlights the association between sudden infant death syndrome and co-sleeping.
It’s important not to share a bed with your baby if you or your partner smoke, have recently drunk alcohol, or have taken medicine or drugs that make you sleep more heavily.
Co-sleeping risks are increased if your baby was premature or was born weighing less than 5½lb.
Mum of three Amelia Walker says “musical beds” began with her middle child Antonia, who is five.
Her eldest, Aria, now seven, was a “good” sleeper but 13-month-old Enzo also co-sleeps with Mum.
Husband Hez, 40, who works in finance, sleeps on a pullout bed.
I’ve always just co-slept with the kids out of easiness . . .
Helen Flanagan
Amelia, 38, who also works in finance, says: “Aria was a good sleeper and transitioned to her cot within a few weeks so Hez never felt pushed out.
“Our second daughter took hours to settle. She’d often end up in our bed and disrupt our sleep, and we’d end up playing musical beds.
“Hez was concerned about having a third because of the disruption but I swore that I’d be more disciplined about putting Enzo in his cot.
“But from day one he’s been in bed with me, while Hez has been on a pullout bed in the girls’ room. Inevitably it’s had an impact on our marriage and it’s galling for him.
“We’re tired with three children and our jobs, and miss the intimacy of sleeping together. Sex is less frequent, but also the closeness of waking up together.
“But I relish the cuddles with Enzo. He’ll be our last child and I want to savour every moment.”
Hez says: “It’s very hard for fathers these days. You’re expected to be the breadwinner, do DIY, help with all the housework and then you can’t even sleep in your own bed.
“I feel taken for granted. I go out to work and then I’m just the person that sleeps on the floor. I envy Amelia because she gets to sleep in the king-size bed.”
Three Day Nanny’s Kathryn says it is important that Dad’s feelings are not dismissed.
“There are times when we have to simply stop being Mum and start being a wife or partner,” she says.
“The moment a woman holds a new baby in her arms, a partner inevitably feels pushed out.
"Then co-sleeping happens and he begins to question why all the love went to the baby. So much so, he even lost his mattress. For co-sleeping to ever work, everyone in the bed must be in agreement.”
Getting back into the marital bed is lovely, it’s like the good old days. I’m certainly not moving out again in a rush.
Hez Walker
But Sarah Ockwell-Smith, author of The Gentle Sleep Book, says: “If a mother and child co-sleep it’s generally because that baby has a need to be close to their mum and the mum feels an innate need in her body to be close to her baby at night.
“There are many benefits too, when done within the safety guidelines, such as helping increase milk supply and keeping the baby’s breathing regulated.
“People talk about compromise, but why should Mum and baby compromise for Dad’s needs? It’s very selfish for Dad to say, ‘I want my bed back’. If a partner is worried about sex then they need to think about other places and times to do it.”
Amelia and Hez, of South West London, have actually sought help from a sleep expert in the past few weeks, after Amelia’s mum gently pointed out that the arrangement was unfair on Hez.
Amelia says: “I got in touch with a sleep expert called Sam from easysleepsolutions.co.uk. She has made a tailored plan for us — it’s £275 for a four-week plan. Three nights in, we woke up together for the first time in over a year. I know it’s how it should be — though I admit I do miss Enzo.”
Many parents may be in a similar situation, wanting to change the arrangement but not knowing how to start.
Kathryn says parents must be 100 per cent ready.
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“Don’t expect to break the co-sleeping habit overnight,” she says, and adds that having a good support system in place is important, that it is easier to deal with one child at a time, and that consistency is key, and she suggests giving the child rewards for sleeping on their own.
Hez says: “Getting back into the marital bed is lovely, it’s like the good old days. I’m certainly not moving out again in a rush.”
Reduce the risk of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS)
It's not known why some babies die suddenly and for no apparent reason from sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS), or cot death.
Experts do know placing a baby to sleep on their back reduces the risk, and exposing a baby to cigarette smoke or allowing them to overheat increases the risk.
It's also known there's an association between sleeping with your baby on a bed, sofa or chair (co-sleeping) and SIDS.
Follow the advice to reduce the risks as much as possible.
How to reduce the risk of SIDS
To reduce the risk of SIDS:
- place your baby on their back to sleep, in a cot in the same room as you, for the first 6 months
- keep your baby's head uncovered – their blanket should be tucked in no higher than their shoulders
- if wearing your baby in a sling or carrier, do not cover their head with the sling material or with a muslin
- place your baby in the "feet to foot" position, with their feet at the end of the cot or moses basket
- do not let your baby get too hot or cold
- do not share a bed with your baby
- never sleep with your baby on a sofa or armchair
- do not smoke during pregnancy or breastfeeding, and do not let anyone smoke in the same room as your baby
Place your baby on their back to sleep
Place your baby on their back to sleep from the very beginning for both day and night sleeps. This will reduce the risk of cot death.
Do not put your baby to sleep on their side or tummy.
Once your baby is old enough to roll over, there's no need to worry if they turn onto their tummy or side while sleeping.
Do not let your baby's head become covered
Babies whose heads are covered with bedding are at an increased risk of SIDS.
To prevent your baby wriggling down under the covers, place them in the "feet to foot" position. This means their feet are at the end of the crib, cot or moses basket.
To put your baby in the feet to foot position:
- tuck the covers in securely under your baby's arms so they cannot slip over their head – use 1 or more layers of lightweight blankets
- use a baby mattress that's firm, flat, well-fitting, clean and waterproof on the outside – cover the mattress with a single sheet
- do not use duvets, quilts, baby nests, wedges, bedding rolls or pillows
If you use a sling or carrier, make sure you use it safely.
The Lullaby Trust has more information and advice about swaddling your baby and using slings
Do not let your baby get too hot or too cold
Overheating can increase the risk of SIDS. Babies can overheat because of too much bedding or clothing, or because the room is too hot.
- When you check your baby, make sure they're not too hot. If your baby is sweating or their tummy feels hot to the touch, take off some of the bedding. Do not worry if their hands or feet feel cool – this is normal.
- It's easier to adjust for the temperature by using layers of lightweight blankets. Remember, a folded blanket counts as 2 blankets. Lightweight, well-fitting baby sleeping bags are a good choice, too.
- Babies do not need hot rooms. All-night heating is rarely necessary. Keep the room at a temperature that's comfortable – about 16 to 20C is ideal.
- If it's very warm, your baby may not need any bedclothes other than a sheet.
- Even in winter, most babies who are unwell or feverish do not need extra clothes.
- Babies should never sleep with a hot water bottle or electric blanket, next to a radiator, heater or fire, or in direct sunshine.
- Babies lose excess heat through their heads, so make sure their heads cannot be covered by bedclothes, slings or carriers while they're asleep.
- Remove hats and extra clothing as soon as you come indoors or enter a warm car, bus or train, even if it means waking your baby.
Do not share a bed with your baby
The safest place for your baby to sleep for the first 6 months is in a cot in the same room as you.
It's especially important not to share a bed with your baby if you or your partner:
- smoke (no matter where or when you smoke and even if you never smoke in bed)
- have recently drunk alcohol
- have taken medicine or drugs that make you sleep more heavily
The risks of co-sleeping are also increased if your baby:
- was premature (born before 37 weeks), or
- had a low birthweight (less than 2.5kg or 5.5lb)
As well as a higher risk of SIDS, there's also a risk you might roll over in your sleep and suffocate your baby.
Your baby could also get caught between the wall and the bed, or roll out of an adult bed and be injured.
Never sleep with a baby on a sofa or armchair
It's lovely to have your baby with you for a cuddle or a feed, but sleeping with your baby on a sofa or armchair is linked to a higher risk of SIDS.
It's safest to put your baby back in their cot before you go to sleep.
Do not let anyone smoke near your baby
Babies exposed to cigarette smoke before and after birth are at an increased risk of SIDS. Do not let anyone smoke in the house, including visitors.
Ask anyone who needs to smoke to go outside. Do not take your baby into smoky places.
If you smoke, sharing a bed with your baby increases the risk of cot death.
Get help and support if you want to quit smoking
Feeding, dummies and SIDS
Breastfeeding your baby reduces the risk of SIDS.
It's possible using a dummy at the start of a sleep also reduces the risk of SIDS. But the evidence is not strong and not all experts agree that dummies should be promoted.
If you do use a dummy, do not start until breastfeeding is well established. This is usually when your baby is around 1 month old.
Stop giving them the dummy when they're between 6 and 12 months old.
Get medical help quickly if your baby is unwell
Babies often have minor illnesses that you do not need to worry about.
Give your baby plenty of fluids to drink and do not let them get too hot. If your baby sleeps a lot, wake them up regularly for a drink.
It can be difficult to judge whether an illness is more serious and needs urgent medical attention.
See spotting the signs of serious illness for guidance on when to get help.
Source: www.nhs.uk
Read more: www.lullabytrust.org.uk/
