IT’S been one hell of a year . . .
From the first, glorious Coronation of a new British monarch in my lifetime, and Taylor Swift’s equally stunning succession to the throne of world’s biggest superstar, to the hideous wars raging in Ukraine and the Middle East, the dreary fun-sapping antics of Just Stop Oil imbeciles and the permanently whining Duke and Duchess of Sussex, 2023 has been a roller-coaster.
A ride of ups, downs — and politicians brought to their knees by an inexplicable inability to describe a woman.
I’ve spent the year interviewing Britain’s most talked-about people, writing thunderous columns, hanging out with fabulously entertaining folk, and wondering why the hell the world’s gone so nuts.
Watch Piers Morgan Uncensored weekdays on Sky 522, Virgin Media 606, Freeview 237, Freesat 217 or on Fox Nation in the US and enjoy his explosive interviews here
Here, then, are my Christmas Cracker awards for the good, bad, and ugly of 2023:
BIGGEST A-LIST A-HOLE: Not content with depriving a dwarf actor of a coveted role as an Oompa Loompa in Wonka, Hugh Grant then whined that he hated making the film and only did it because he has so many kids and needs the money.
He also said he was now “too old and fat and ugly” to play romantic leads, which is the first time I’ve ever agreed with him about anything.
MOST DELUDED POLITICIAN: Nicola Sturgeon was forced to quit as Scotland’s First Minister amid a financial scandal, but also because she lost all public support by refusing to define what a woman is and insisting that male rapists be locked up in female prisons simply because they identified as women to game the system.
FUNNIEST JOURNEY TO BIOLOGICAL SEX REALITY: Sir Keir Starmer began the year saying trans women are women, then said 99.9 per cent of women don’t have a penis, and finally conceded that “a woman is an adult female, so let’s clear that one up”.
It wasn’t the rest of us who were confused, Sir Keir!
PATRIARCHY-BASHING SEXIST: Margot Robbie’s grotesque feminist warrior Barbie, who lit up the global box office by depicting all men as dumb, useless and subservient like her insipid man-servant Ken.
We’re not, and I’ll prove it by leading the patriarchy fightback in 2024!
UNLUCKIEST HOLIDAYMAKER: Prime Minister Rishi Sunak hadn’t had a proper vacation since before the pandemic, so was eagerly looking forward to flying to be with his family for a week in Los Angeles at the start of August.
He got on a British Airways plane at Heathrow, sat down in his front row seat, kicked off his shoes, breathed a sigh of relief at finally escaping the Westminster rat-race and critical media, then looked across and saw me sitting opposite him with a big grin, and reacted like he’d just been harpooned.
Rishi later came over for a lengthy mid-air chat and even asked me for a selfie to send to his No10 team so they could share his “joy” at being confined in a small cabin with me for 11 hours.
VILLAINS OF THE YEAR: The Just Stop Oil protestors who think the best way to persuade us to follow their cause is to wreck our fun at sporting events, flower shows and art galleries by spraying their stupid orange paint around, or stop people being rushed to hospital in ambulances by lying down in the middle of busy commuter streets.
I’m now at the point where every time they perform another act of joy-sucking vandalism or life-threatening road-blocking, I buy a barrel of oil.
SHAMELESS HYPOCRITES: The Guardian newspaper, having spent decades virtue-signalling its anti-racism credentials, suddenly discovered it was founded by slave-owners and immediately fined itself £10million in reparations to atone for its evil sins.
The lentil-munching clowns would do the world a favour by going even further with the self-flagellation and closing down.
CELEBRITY OF THE YEAR: Taylor Swift smashed all pop star records for ticket sales and merchandise on her Eras world tour, and even box office takings for the movie of her concert, proving that she’s now not just the biggest female icon in music history, but in pure numbers rivals Michael Jackson and Elvis for the undisputed GOAT title of either sex.
She’s also an incredibly nice person, a brilliant role model to her army of young fans, and finally found true love with NFL star Travis Kelce. Way to go, Taylor!
LEAST CREDIBLE LICKSPITTLE: The odious, fork-tongued Omid Scobie, who “accidentally” smeared King Charles and the Princess of Wales as the two supposed royal racists in a Dutch edition of his book, then lied about it.
The name Omid means “hope” in Persian, which is ironic given how utterly hopeless he is.
TOP TWEETER: Gary Lineker could post: “I love people named Gary” and half the country would instantly explode with indignant fury and demand he be fired by the BBC for being too partisan about people called Gary.
No offence to my old jug-eared mate, but who cares what he has to say about politics? It’s as meaningful as Theresa May giving her views on the offside rule.
BEST WORKNAME SUGGESTION: When I interviewed Stormy Daniels about her legal battle with Donald Trump, she suggested I consider a career in adult entertainment as Monsoon Morgan.
MOST CYNICAL CHEATS: Australia’s cricketers retained the Ashes by running out England’s David Bairstow when he went to have a chat with his captain, Ben Stokes. It was disgusting gamesmanship that made a mockery of the spirit of cricket.
But what else to expect from a bunch of convict-descendants who previously used sandpaper to illegally manipulate the ball?
WORST BOOK: Prince Harry’s autobiography Spare, in which he invaded everyone’s privacy, including his family, friends and even the poor woman he lost his virginity to outside a pub, while simultaneously bleating about invasions into his own privacy. Should have been called “Spare Me”.
SELFIE OF THE YEAR: After a long, alcohol-fuelled day at the Oval test match during the Ashes, I spied Sir Mick Jagger departing our VIP room and the following conversation ensued:
“Mick, how about a selfie?! We’ve never done one!”
“Not now Piers . . . another time!”
“Come on Mick, you’re 80 — we may not get another time . . .”
“Hahaha, alright then . . .”
It was a great pic.
SADDEST LOSS: Raquel Welch, my first ever pin-up when I was a young teenager, died in February.
A few years ago, on the day of our brilliant Life Stories show, she invited me to her suite at the Dorchester hotel as she was feeling nervous about the interview and wanted some reassurance.
But then she rang to abruptly cancel me as I was excitedly en route, explaining: “Sorry Piers, I just remembered I never take tea in the morning with any man I haven’t slept with.”
MOST REPELLENT REPTILE: Nigel Farage ended up covered in snakes at the end of I’m A Celebrity . . . Get Me Out Of Here!, which was an appropriate ordeal for the biggest snake in British public life.
LEAST SURPRISING WHATSAPP MESSAGE: When the Telegraph published their leaked Lockdown Files based on Matt Hancock’s WhatsApp correspondence during the pandemic, they included this gem from social care minister Helen Whately after I was forced to quit Good Morning Britain: “How about we celebrate the departure of Piers at/after our team meeting tmr pm? Just a thought?”
Hancock replied: “Perfect.”
Of course, parties were illegal at the time.
DAREDEVILS OF THE YEAR: When five people died in a deep-sea submersible after it imploded as it explored the wreck of the Titanic, many cruelly mocked them for having more money than sense.
But in a woke-ravaged world in which health and safety freaks have made it almost illegal to take any risks, I applaud their buccaneering spirit of dangerous adventure. RIP.
Watch Piers Morgan Uncensored weekdays on Sky 522, Virgin Media 606, Freeview 237, Freesat 217 or on Fox Nation in the US
WOKE WASTRELS: Organisers of the Brit awards who, following a ridiculous campaign to make them gender-neutral, driven by Sam “I used to be a gay man, now I’m non-binary and demand to be called they/them” Smith, did exactly that and then announced that all five nominees in the Artist Of The Year category were male.
And Smith’s response to this entirely predictable scenario?
”They” said it was “a shame” there weren’t any women on the list!
POLITICIAN OF THE YEAR: Argentina’s wild-haired new president Javier Milei — nicknamed “The Wig” — is a former rock singer and tantric sex coach who appeared at campaign rallies clutching a chainsaw and seeks advice from his dead dog via telepathy. He makes Trump and Boris look like choirboys.
MOST RIDICULOUS CLAIM: Those well-known truth-tellers Harry and Meghan sparked much hilarity when they said they’d cheated death in a “near-catastrophic” two-hour, high-speed car chase with paparazzi through the streets of New York, a city where traffic is so notoriously terrible that it’s faster to walk than drive.
PRINCE ANDREW AWARD FOR CAR-CRASH INTERVIEW: Hannah Ingram-Moore, daughter of Captain Tom, who finally confessed to me that she kept £800,000 from her dad’s books which were expected to raise money for the charity in his name.
And Baroness Michelle Mone, who told the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg that lying to the Press about your family being poised to make £60million from pandemic PPE (that never got used) “isn’t a crime”.
No, but it’s the same as lying to the public, who she is supposed to serve in the House of Lords — and that’s reprehensible and shameful.
HERO OF THE YEAR: King Charles. It’s hard to imagine a tougher challenge than following in the regal footsteps of the greatest monarch this country has ever known, but Queen Elizabeth II’s eldest son has done a great job so far and won over many sceptics with his dignified, dutiful and charming style.
