I admit to being surprised that Dakota Johnson was hosting SNL, as I had no idea that she had a movie coming out. It must bode poorly for Sony that I hadn’t heard of Madame Web until she mentioned it in her monologue, or seen a trailer for it until the next commercial break.
That said, her monologue was kind of a delight. It’s always fun to have Taylor Swift trump Trump, but when ranking Johnson’s riffs down memory lane, I prefer her explaining her lack of finesse on press tours. The footage of her eye-rolling and smirking at seven years old while her father Don Johnson pontificated to a red-carpet reporter was priceless. So too was her taking musical guest Justin Timberlake down a peg when he crashed her monologue. “If you want me to be in sketches, I have hosted before,” he said, before mouthing five times to the audience. Johnson, so wonderfully dry, smirked and responded, “Yeah, well, that was 10 years ago.” And in the meantime, we all read the Britney Spears memoir, dude.
The SNL writers did Timberlake a terrific favor by sending him onto the stage seeming a little desperate and uninvited. “I heard my name. I thought that was my cue?” he said, breathless with anticipation. He let himself be the joke, playing a little fussy when Johnson poked: “I’m so happy you chose my show for your comeback.” But then Jimmy Fallon showed up in Barry Gibb suit and hair, and you remembered why Timberlake got himself a five-timer jacket in the first place.
When they recreated The Barry Gibb Talk Show later on, it was by far the best sketch of the night. Fallon looked like he was having a ball—“You will call me Sir Barry Gibb!” he shouted at one point to Bowen Yang’s political hack, later threatening, “I fear nothing! I watched Saltburn with the entire family!”—and one of Timberlake’s great comedic gifts is his refusal to break.
Johnson’s finest moment was her Please Don’t Destroy roast. She appeared in the guys’ office on an SNL writing night looking coltish and fresh-faced, eager to please. “I’ve seen all your videos. They’re really… not for me,” she said, the lack of affect in her voice suddenly pointed like a shiv. Sensing they were indeed about to be destroyed, the boys gave it back good. “Madame Web, what’s her superpower? Is it whispering in monotone?” They lobbed grenades back and forth, until they called a “nepo truce” on jokes about their famous parents getting their feet in the door. All in all, it was a great, nasty sketch. “This is my impression of the only line people will care about in this show,” said Ben Marshall at one point. “’Ladies and gentlemen, Justin Timberlake!’”
Even if you wanted to stay annoyed by Timberlake, his first performance of the night—“Sanctified”—was tremendous, aided in large part by the absolutely dazzling Tobe Nwigbe and Nwigbe’s gorgeous dancers. It’s notable that Timberlake was fueling so much of his rizz from a stage of exclusively Black talent. May Nwigbe’s opportunities and influence greatly benefit from this partnership, because that man is a star.
Taylor Swift, off preparing her tailgate menu in Baltimore, also had a great night. The Time Person of the Year came up so many times that the episode almost felt sponsored by her. She was anointed by Johnson in her monologue, employed again by her during a burn of the Please Don’t Destroy guys, and, then with admirable restraint, in the cold open.
With the AFC Championship Game upon us, the sketch featured male sportscasters depressed about their last big game. Andrew Dismukes’ Tony Romo refused to look forward to the Super Bowl, as the game doesn’t even matter to real fans. “The Super Bowl is for the commercials and Usher and people who don’t even watch football… today is the last real football day for just us guys.” One braced for a predictable swing to grievance, with Swift denounced as the snake in the grass of male paradise. But the sketch didn’t grab at the low-hanging fruit, with only Molly Kearney’s Chiefs coach Andy Reid mourning the end of the season because it meant less Tay time. the loss. Hang in there, men: there’s still so much to look forward to in life. Like Ireland’s favorite lassie, Ayo Edebiri, hosting next week for the first time!
It was a crowded stage during cast goodbyes: Johnson in a black sparkly stuck, hugging Mark Cuban from a Shark Tank sketch that didn’t really work; Timberlake mugging with Nwigwe; and Fallon out of his Bee Gees wig and delighted by the unexplained presence of an amused Dave Chappelle. Truly, the craziest bizarro Marvel universe ever.
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