Tracey’s 5-star review:
Grouse (verb): To grumble or complain.
Grind (verb): To oppress, torment, or crush.
Never has a mountain trail been so aptly named.
A sign towards the beginning of this trail declares it "nature's stairmaster" and, like the name, no words could ring more true. I searched for another sign I imagined they had planted somewhere, "switchbacks are for pussies", but it was in vain. That sign existed only in my head.
In its 1.8 mile vertical climb to the top, the Grouse Grind rises from an elevation of 1,083 feet to an elevation of 4,150 feet. That's a rise of 3,067 feet in the space of 1.8 miles. In comparison, I hiked Oahu's Kuliouou Ridge Trail back in February and I thought it was a beast yet it rises only 1,900 feet in elevation over a 2.5 mile stretch. Canadians don't mess around.
Adding to the "grind" portion of your adventure are the signs, posted at 1/4 marks along your path. Though it's explained nowhere it's worth knowing that these markers refer to elevation, not distance. This accounts for the reason that certain segments feel so much more difficult than others: they cover the same elevation within a shorter distance. I'm talking to you, damned 4th quarter.
It was on the 4th section of the Grind that I rhetorically declared "I don't think I can do it" knowing full well that I had to. The only thing worse than climbing the mountain would be climbing down it without having reached the pinnacle. Further, hiking down is prohibited. Never has the saying "the only way around a problem is through it" resonated more. I wanted to be through with this mountain.
Aside from my first five minutes on the trail I passed nobody; I was the person to pass. But it's not a race. I reached the pinnacle and though my time (timing your climb is a Grouse thing) would impress no one I was both relieved and proud of my accomplishment. The hike should run you anywhere from 1 to 2 hours, give or take 15 minutes.
When done, my hope was to never see this hike again in my lifetime. With time and distance though, I've become somewhat in awe of it (and me, for doing it) thus the 5-stars. If you want your ass kicked all the way to Sunday don't miss an opportunity to hike the Grouse Grind. You'll complain the entire way up and rejoice when it's over.
Other stuff:
* I hiked on a rainy summer weekday. The trail is supposedly wall to wall people on summer weekends. Less so on rainy weekdays.
* If rain is predicted, go before it gets heavy. During heavy rain the trail is akin to hiking up a series of small waterfalls.
* Wear close-toed shoes, bring a ton of water, and a change of shirts. I ignored the "change of shirts" and wound up having to buy one at the top. Sitting there in a wet shirt proved to be a freezing experience.
* There's a whole lot of things to see and do at the top including a casual dining place and, upstairs from that, an actual restaurant/bar with a fireplace and beautiful views. Also, live bears, a lumberjack show, and who knows what else? I was so cold all I could do was eat and drink and leave.
* The views from the top are supposedly spectacular. On this day, the mountain was completely fogged in. Zero views in any direction. If that matters to you, carefully choose your hike day.
* You're required to take the gondola back down at a cost of $10 Canadian per person. This is no doubt one of the loveliest views ever but not when it's fogged in. Then it's just a transportation device. So, choose your hike day accordingly (you can also take the gondola up but c'mon now)...
* Easy to get to via public transit from downtown Vancouver but made even easier via a summer perk: a free shuttle that leaves daily (during summer) from Canada Place (Downtown Vancouver).
* 2 hours 15 minutes. I told you it'd impress no one.