My boyfriend claims he's only thrifty and never cheap. And well it's just not true, is there anything I can do to influence him to not be so tight all the time??? I'm not saying spending sprees here, I know that money's tight but  hell, sometimes it would be nice to go to a fancier place for dinner and order the nice wine! Is it such a crime!?
Can he be helped or should I just give up?

My stepdad has the same problem.  Some people are just tight with money - it causes them psychological dissonance when they feel they are being frivolous spenders.  I guess it's better then someone who's always flat ass broke and blows their money at any opportunity - but it can be frustrating.  You have to be sneaky and creative basically.

I do end up having to pay every time I pick a nice restaurant.  It's the only way I don't feel guilty for ordering something pricey.  I'm tired of Chicken!!!

Hey, nothing wrong with the walking bird, now.  Chicken is the meal of kings and overlords alike.  But I'm afraid that frugality is a terminal illness - and it can get worse with age.  What does he like to spend his money on?  Frugal people are funny because they often are super cheap when it comes to most things, but there's one thing that they'll spend endless amounts on.

Some peeps get so off on making Lincoln beg for mercy. The challenge for you is to help him get that there are so many other ways to make that penny beg. Time to have to have a good talk w/him about his view of spending &come to terms you can both be happy with. And if he insists on being a cheapskate...take a good, long look at your future w/him. I am thinking of the character in "Joy Luck Club," sorry I can't recall her name right now, whose husband wrote down everything they spent & split it....

my girlfriend told me that being a miser is unattractive.

you still feel attracted to your boyfriend?

Being overly cheap is really, really problematic in a relationship and in life. Some people do everything to not pay. I mean everything. They will haggle with counter girls and constantly complain about things being too expensive. Over time, it gets tiring and you start to get the idea that price is everything for some people. These people only marry people like them. If you're not like that, you're wasting your time and should find a man who will take you out to nicer places.

joanne is right. I know married couples who don't pay for each other and let the other pay for their share. it's cold and makes life hell. being cheap is a power trip for some people, like "you can't control me" bullshit. it's twisted and sick. Very rich people suffer from this also. They will spend hours fighting you if they think you're charging them 5 dollars too much and start going on about being ripped off or taken to the cleaners or tricked into a fast one. you should ask yourself if you've got one of these problem people in your life

If he's not generous with both time and money, dump him or be start living the vida walmart

I think that a grown women should be capable of paying for a nice meal just as much as her man is supposed to be doing. I think that too often women tend to think it is a mans DUTY to spend on them...i figure EVERYTHING should be fifty fifty...

but to answer the question...no t is usually set in my adulthood.

Luckily he's just your boyfriend. If he ever asks you to marry you
can you say Cubic-Zirconia and Vegas drive-thru wedding?

There is a difference between being cheap and being thrifty.

Case in point; my landlord chose to use tape, glue and some wire for a persistent plumbing problem instead of spending the money and calling the plumber. After a couple of years of doing that it ended up costing him $1600 for a massive plumbing emergency that could have been prevented by spending $300 instead of being a total cheap ass idiot.

My former landlord would fix problems when they occurred, call around for the best prices and get a professional to do the job before it turned into an emergency. Sometimes he would haggle for the price to come down and he bought the least expensive fixtures and stuff like that but he would just spend his money wisely. He was thrifty.

Life to short to eat shitty food and drink crappy wine.
If you got the skrill why not spend it....

yvonne "missy" m. says:

no.

most people who are this way grew up being thrifty, had materials withheld from them, or had to live paycheck to paycheck as children.  it is ingrained.  these people have a scarcity mentality and it will always be there.  however, they can become more mindful of the dangers of constantly denying themselves so that they can live a little, but really, it won't go away.
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I grew up like that and I am not cheap and only sometimes thrifty.

I understand the want to go somewhere nice...who doesn't but maybe he doesn't have the means...IF he doesn't and it bothers you the relationship wont work...Has he always been this way or did it happen all of a sudden? if the first-then you were fully aware of it entering the relationship...if the second then you should just have a talk with him about it...I am sure you will find a happy middle ground. I made more money then an ex and I was used to paying 100 bucks for lunch a few times a week for two people where as he normally didn't spend that on dinner for two...he paid for dinner where he could afford and I paid where I could afford..when in a relationship you have to meet each other halfway.

He needs to take a big dump. Anal retentive people are the cheapest...pepper his diet with fiber and get him to drink lots of water. But seriously, no there is no cure. Some people I've known 20+ years are still cheap.,,and they get worse over time. Sorry.

I applaud "thrifty." The q for the OP is whether or not her guy is just cheap. Nuthin' wrong w/sharing costs, but if someone ALWAYS goes for the cheapest menu item & it's not a reflection of what they can afford...what is life going to be like when you CAN afford the urge to splurge? Unless you are both of like minds, rocky road ahead....

My ex bf used to bitch because I wouldn't buy a new car or new clothes all the time. Im 21 in college and just bought a house in Brentwood

Don't knock someone who is cheap or thrifty

=)

Oh and funny, but I normally don't pay for dinner but if we go to a nice place I do because I feel guilty as well

Katie H. says:

My ex bf used to bitch because I wouldn't buy a new car or new clothes all the time. Im 21 in college and just bought a house in Brentwood

Don't knock someone who is cheap or thrifty

=)
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I agree sometimes a "fancy" meal is forgone to save towards making a REAL purchase.

lol I am totally think about this now, I was supporting being cheap but I also pay my way and contribute, if he is cheap by not doing his part or making you cover his extravagances then yes I think you should talk about it

oooo that is a whole nother issue I think....paying someones way is not "sharing" the cost. XD

All I can say is don't try changing him.  Accept him or get rid of him.

I am cheap at times and thrifty most of the times.

The only possible cure I can think of is if you give this person an unlimited amount of money, otherwise ya gotta learn to live with it.

in this economy, I think being thrifty is better than being broke...

I mean I just read this article saying that our standard of living will decrease and may stay that way..  pretty scary stuff..

finance.yahoo.com/tech-t…

if he's asian, it cannot be helped. sorry, its in the blood.

I don't think being thrifty is bad, but you gotta spend when you need to spend.
That said, a man who can watch you shell out for the bill without feeling a chip off his manhood may be in for the long haul, but only for himself.

depends-- is he in transition or pretty much established professionally? and is he "thrifty" when it comes to things for just himself? and then you have to look at how many times you go out... i agree with sheila-- if he's saving for bigger purchases or goals, he's not really being cheap. (esp. since you two are drinking wine instead of soda or *gulp* free water)

47 minutes ago Christina "I'm Hungry" N. says:

if he's asian, it cannot be helped. sorry, its in the blood.
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I'm Indian...I'm afraid it makes up 97% of our blood.
When I'd go out to eat w/my relatives, inevitably I'd be like "I'LL get the tip"....
to save the embarrassment ;)

Ha ha ha thanks for all the advice yelpers! By the way Christina, he's not Asian! I'm Mexican and my father has got to be the cheapest person alive. But it balances out my hole in the pocket mother. Since last night, I have spoken with him on the issue and let him know it's a little embarrassing when he makes a big deal about the bill or something in front of people.  He said he would work on it.  I also didn't realize that it bothered him that I make more money than him.  Glad I had that talk with him, thanks guy!
I never knew that yelp could be such a great therapeutic outlet!
And for those who said I should dump him; I think his other qualities such as sense of humor, wit, kindness, warmth etc. make up for this cheap thing. I'll just be the one who pays when I want something nicer.

if he works and its his money then the problem seems to be yours..not his.

Diana = shuga mama

No. I am a cheap ass. I do like nice things though.  My daughter knows that we do not buy clothes at Macy's or Nordies unless we have a coupon or they are on clearance- preferably both.

I don't think there's anything wrong with Diana's complaint...she never said she expects him to buy her extravagant gifts and nice dinners all the time, but if they're both enjoying it than there's nothing wrong with sharing the expense.  I'd also assume that being in a relationship with him, she knows what his financial situation is so she'd know if he has the means or not or if he was saving his money for a home or big purchase rather than just being cheap.  

If he's not into fine dining and things than I'd understand not wanting to pay for it, but assuming he enjoys it as much as you do than you shouldn't have to pay all the time.  

No wonder money is one of the biggest reasons people get divorces though!  You have to be on the same page and know what your priorities are.

Diane - Good that you two talked. It sounds to me like you both have differences in opinion as to where to spend money. It also sounds  like you both go out to eat often but you would like to go to a nicer place once in a while.

How about a compromise of eating out less in exchange a nicer venue when you do go out?

I'm so glad to have stumbled onto Yelp, I didn't realize I'd ever get so much from a site like this.  ANd to think, for the longest time, I only logged on to look up reviews and rant about a few... Someone somewhere in the thread said eating out less may help so we can splurge when we do go out. I think I'm going to take some cooking lessons from mom, everyone loves Enchiladas right?? Thanks again for helping out, you guys are AWESOME!!

You know, it goes the other way too.  My BF was/is impulsive about buying some things (he's white-English).  He has a steady job and his hobby is motorcycles (He wants to be Valentino Rossi).  Before he met me, he would spend so much money on motorcycle parts.  He races the GP kind so the parts need to be replaced every 200 miles or something ridiculous like that.  

But recently, he's been acting all Asian, and asking for the discount.  He's not being miserly, but it's cute and funny when he's hunting for a bargain in that British accent way of his.  So these things can change as long as it's not essential to who they are.  Just like what style of jeans or what way of eating healthy is the trend, there are things in life that are adjustable and it's about being flexible.

No.  Kill yourself.

Please! Somebody help me win the lottery so I don't have to be a cheapskate any longer... (bows down.)

Thriftiness and cheapness are NOT the same.

I consider myself thrifty, but if i want to make a serious purchase i always chose quality over price because usually it will last longer.  This is not the case with overpriced wine in a resto, that is just a waste of money.

so the question should be, can financial recklessness be cured???

Sign up for a restaurant.com account, get gift certificates for nicer restaurants and offer to split the bill.

I think it totally depends... my fella will splurge a little here and there, but we don't really feel the need to go to any restaurant where we would spend more than $50 for the two of us on a regular basis.  Maybe someone else would find this life tedious, but right now, I'm really glad that we have been living this way.  He was recently laid off, and I'm not at all worried about having to support him, because we both have been able to stockpile savings for the type of major econimic problems everyone else is facing right now.  We're not well to do and we don't lead a frivolous life, but we haven't had to cut back much since the layoff, still go out on weekends, still buy new clothes and go on weekend trips.  
Is it possible he's saving up for something special?  Building a contingency fund?  Is worried about his job?

hey Diana, hope it all works out.  do insist on spending when you need to cause we're on this earth for only so long.  i would really talk to him about that difference in salary thing....you don't want baggage going into a marriage...come to think about it, just by a whip & whip his ass when you need to..

I have a friend who is cheap (I always have to add to the tip at restaurants). It's in his DNA and can't be changed.

If someone was raised to be cheap, they stay that way.

I used to be so cheap when I was a kid, I never wanted to spend my money but now I love spending it since I love to have the things I want but I live paycheck to paycheck like the average joe but I know I will become financially independent someday.

You should be glad you found someone that's smart about money and you should get on board with the program.

Maybe go to the more expensive places with friends instead of your BF.

Personally, I respect him not wanting to spend big bucks on food; I'm that way too.

if America were as cheap as your BF, we wouldn't be in this mess.
nothing wrong w/ being cheap.
idiots went and bought houses they couldn't afford and are now in foreclosure, i dun think u'd want to be w/ the deadbeat do u?

There are a lot of good places that are nice, but don't break the bank. Also a lot places are offering very inexpensive wine. Try to find places like that and take him there.

I say maybe he's poor? ding ding ding!

If your saving for a goal-- save on momma!  Fer just pucker factor--  it's sick.
If things totally collapse, and some federal nazi try's to tell me what to do, having money gives me the opportunity to say," go f  yourself"

I like to call myself thrifty.  Having nothing during childhood has a big impact on my adult life.  I love to spend nice pretty things for myself, but I only buy them if I really need them, not because i think it's cute in my bedroom.  So, maybe what you can do is have a middle ground with him, per se....pick a nice restaurant, but not too overly expensive, but still has the feel of a really good restaurant.  you dont have to spend a lot to have a nice meal on the town.

If it helps at all, I can definitely sympathize with your boyfriend on this one (haha). I don't know what it is, but I absolutely can not bring myself to pay retail price on anything like designer clothes and the like. And, as stupid as it sounds, the price of a can of tuna shot up by like $.30...and now I just pass right by it as if I feel like I don't deserve the splurge. The ironic part of it is that in my line of work (Vegas nightlife), I'll fork over $180 or more a night in TIPS to cocktail waitresses without even so much of a hesitation -- several nights a week. Yet I almost just clicked "no" on a $.25 'premium' charge for eBay to send me a text message alert on when a pair of USED sunglasses was ending! (that's like a double cheap there!!) haha.

So yea....moral of the story....as a cheap person myself, I can just say that it is almost like a physical reaction when the thought of spending more on something than you want to comes about, somewhat like that dreadful feeling in your stomach when you lose something. So even when it is something small and stupid like my can of tuna, the only way that I will feel better about spending the big bucks on something is when a friend or loved one somehow makes me feel that it is both OK and acceptable to do it. Otherwise, they just end up paying for it and I'll feel a small guilty victory on the whole matter either way. haha.

It's typically part of someone's 'nature'

no... its not ... just deal with it... its okay

from my experiences, "once a cheap ass always a cheap ass".

one of my buddy's won $900 at cache creek. he wouldn't even pay for dinner for myself and another friend.

You guys I think are all focused on the wrong thing. I don't think this chicks boyfriend is being cheap. I think he is just spending money on what he can afford or what is good for his wallet. At least the fool is taking you out. You said it yourself. Times are tough right now.

Jesus, this shit makes me so sick. The guy is taking you out and you don't have to pay. Just like it or dump his ass and find someone else that will spend more money on you. OR do what what you have been doing and when you suggest a NICE restaurant pay for it yourself. I don't even see what the problem is.

It sounds like you don't want to pay when you go to nice places...you'd rather him pay. Well that's bullshit, it's a gift when he pays for dinner so he can take you where ever he wants to. When you want to go somewhere you'd be a raging bitch if you said let's go to place A that's twice as expensive and then tried to make him pay.

Jesus I think I just threw up in my mouth.

Just pay when you want to go to places more expensive than what he wants to pay. FFS