From now until whenever I fucking feel like it, in any order I choose and in my own sweet time I Poe, your resident professional gardener, will answer your gardening related questions for free. My normal consult rate is $80 an hour so you should feel really special.

I am doing this for several reasons and none of them have to do with doing something nice for the Yelp community.  I may or not be doing this as research for my almost nonexistent blog called Angry Persian Gardener or my completely nonexistent soon to be created but maybe not blog called The Cranky Gardener.  

I am also having a garden / plant sale this Sunday along with a moving sale as mentioned in the events listings:
yelp.com/events/san-fran…
I am pretty much doing this thread to make you come and buy my crap.

*Disclaimer: All of Lance's questions will be answered with "Shut Up Lance". Also Tsada and PBC are whores.

You can lead a hore to culture, but you can't make her think.
 ~Ancient Persian proverb

dear angry persian gardener,

i'm too lazy to garden. i'd prefer if you shared some more persian proverbs.

thx.

- a fan.

Dear Crescent Star!

I need your expertise on a small area in my backyard!

Momsie

Dear Mike, I actually do like the idea of the Chinese Pistache but this here website is like all sorts of awesome for choosing a tree.
canopy.org/index.html

Yours,
Poe

Dear Anna,

A jug of wine, a loaf of bread and go fuck yourself.
 ~Ancient Persian Terrorist saying.

Dear Poe,

I have a cumulation of ingrown hairs that reside a little too close to home, if you know what I'm saying. What is the best method in eradicating these pesky fellas so as to not create too much collateral damage.

Thanks in advance,

Worried Scrotum

Dear Momsie,

As I am moving in less than 2 weeks I am unable to commit to any new appointments. Can your matter wait until the first week of May?

Insanely packing, running errands, cleaning, trying to keep up with work and worrying about money while moving yours,
Poe

Dear Worried Scrotum,

This particular advice thread is to do with green gardening AKA Horticulture. I will let you know when my advice thread for manscaping will be up and running.

Yours fondly,
Poe

Dear Poe,

Can you tell us again about how Persians have two words for fart?

Love,
Cuntbreath

Dear Ms. C Breath,

We are an ancient culture and over the last 4000 years or so have developed a sophisticated way to communicate flatulence.
Gooze - Fart; audible.
Choss - Fart; silent.

I do hope you lesser cultures can learn something from the ancient peoples of the world.

With gooze,
Poe

I thought this was an advice thread concerning questions about "Horticulture".

No prob!  I would make time for you!

Did anyone ask how to tame.. er trim the bush yet?

Whorticulture.

Poe "lost my kitty cat" .. says:

Dear Anna,

A jug of wine, a loaf of bread and go fuck yourself.
~Ancient Persian Terrorist saying.
-------------
dear poe,
should i take this personally?

-me

R "obble, robble, robb" L. says:

Did anyone ask how to tame.. er trim the bush yet?
---

Very carefully, of course. If you have shaky hands like a drug addict on relapse you should look into developing an iron plated sock as a protectant. It's like a knight's armor, but on a smaller scale.

something about saving the stalk, the beanbag, and the starfish i think, Bart.

What can I grow in my shit studio that doesnt require real sunlight? Any that is edible?

Dear Poe:
Sheriff John Brown always hated me....For What I don't Know
Everytime I plant a seed, he say kill it before it grows
he say kill it before it grows.....

What do I do?

5 minutes ago Lola "LOLable" L. says:

2. john

be sure you ask her age before you plant a seed
-----------
Lola....How old are you.....

I think she is of age, John. But don't take my word for it.

Anna "back on the scene, crispy and clean" S. says:

Poe "lost my kitty cat" .. says:

Dear Anna,

A jug of wine, a loaf of bread and go fuck yourself.
~Ancient Persian Terrorist saying.
-------------
dear poe,
should i take this personally?

-me
-----
Dear me,
The ancient Persians were usually out of their minds stoned on opium so I wouldn't worry if I was you.

Jessica "Bullshit detector" L. says:

What can I grow in my shit studio that doesnt require real sunlight? Any that is edible?
-------
Dear Jessica,

Unless you set up grow lights, no.

damn it! But thanks Poe...

I think it's really cool of you to do this, Poe.

Dear Poe,

Did you develop your green thumb from growing opium poppies because of a drug addiction and your frugal tendencies?

Cordially,
Worried Friend

Lola "LOLable" L. says:

i live in a apartment but want a garden.... i live on the 3rd floor  where can i keep a mini garden.. i have a balcony?
p.s. i want to grow veggies too and herbs... not that kind =P
----------
Dear not that kind,

There is a wide variety of veg and herbs you can grow in containers on a balcony. You will need at least 4 hours of direct sun for most crops, others will need 6-8 hours.  Crops that will do well in a relatively small pot include;
All sorts of greens, things you can harvest and pick as you go along and you don't have to wait for them to form a head, fruit or mature: Kale, chard, leaf lettuces etc. Herbs include parsley, thyme, sage, oregano, chives. Cherry tomatoes will be better than reg ones in our area.

Stay away from crops that need deep soil like asparagus and artichokes.

Lola "LOLable" L. says:

dear poe....do you grow marijuana? if so what kind? and how much for 1/8th
-------
No, I do not grow marijuana. That is the single most common question I get from people when they find out I am a gardener.

Bart F. says:

Dear Poe,

Did you develop your green thumb from growing opium poppies because of a drug addiction and your frugal tendencies?

Cordially,
Worried Friend
----------
Dear Worried,

I developed my green thumbs from having 2 parents that were both obsessed with gardening. Any asshole can grow an opium poppy, it's not that hard. It takes a special asshole to design, build and maintain gardens for several dozen clients of various tastes and still come home at night and voluntarily read gardening books in bed. .

Poe's just kidding. She's called Poe Bud in oaktown.

she just can't let on how she's the weed godmother of NorCal on yelp.

John "Dobie" P. says:

Dear Poe:
Sheriff John Brown always hated me....For What I don't Know
Everytime I plant a seed, he say kill it before it grows
he say kill it before it grows.....

What do I do?
----------
Move.

A moment ago Poe "lost my kitty cat" .. says:

John "Dobie" P. says:

Dear Poe:
Sheriff John Brown always hated me....For What I don't Know
Everytime I plant a seed, he say kill it before it grows
he say kill it before it grows.....

What do I do?
----------
Move.
------------
Toche'

Back when I was a photographer 20 years ago the single most common question I was asked was if I took nudie, cheesecake, adult, etc. photos.

Common people asking common questions have not changed their common intellects since then.

Dear Poe,

So the question is will Autumn Jazz pollinate BM viburnum? I planted 2 Blue muffins and one Autumn Jazz. Or is there a more suitable partner? I'm in zone 5

Sincerely,
Bart

dear poe,
harper's index last week informed me that iran has the biggest percentage of opiate addicts in the world. i was surprised, i would've thought the US would trump them.

-i get distracted easily

I grow tired of you and will need to retire to my chambers for a while to rest and eat tater tots. I will continue at a later time. Or not.

Bart F. says:

Dear Poe,

So the question is will Autumn Jazz pollinate BM viburnum? I planted 2 Blue muffins and one Autumn Jazz. Or is there a more suitable partner? I'm in zone 5

Sincerely,
Bart
----------
Dear Bart, as long as you have 2 of each and a healthy insect population you should have no problems.
BTW, please for you to give the names of plants like this; (genus) Viburnum (species) dentatum (cultivar) Blue Muffin. Blue Muffin is a cultiar ie a "brand" so saying the brand name first is confusing.

Dear Poe,

I am not in town this weekend so will not be able to attend your moving sale. What plants will you have available?

Thank you, Poe. And my apologies for the confusion.

Hey Poe,
I've got a good question for you... an actual gardening question. We have a mandarin or tangerine tree in the backyard that produces fruit, but doesn't drop its fruit, so it has old fruit on it when it tries to grow new fruit. Plus, the fruit tastes terrible. It is a mature tree. What is the best course of action to get this tree to start producing good fruit?
Signed,
Binky

i heard that you can inject steroids into your fruit for it to grow big.

We have about 20 rose bushes in our backyard in Montclair.  They do pretty well after a severe pruning in January, and then subsequent fertilization, which also has some insecticides in it (forget the name).  We generally get a little powdery mildew late summer due to fog, as well as some rust.  Still, not a big deal for the majority of the roses.

However, we have about five climbing roses on our deer fence and climbing up a metal arch, all white, that have a serious aphid problem, especially on the new growth and rosebuds.  I have a little stick that I use to clean them off, or I just brush them off or squish them with my hand.  Using a strong stream from the garden hose isn't a good option, since it seems to lead to the mildew issue.  We've also used a solution of detergent with water, and Safer spray.  When we've used ladybugs, they just disappear, even when we've spread them in the evenings.

Question:  is there a way to actually prevent them from even attacking the roses at all?   We also grow veggies and like to maintain as organic a garden as possible, so strong insecticides aren't a favorite option.

thanks!

chum "° elle roi °" L. says:

Dear Poe,

I am not in town this weekend so will not be able to attend your moving sale. What plants will you have available?
-----
I have many and so I think it would take a great deal of effort to list them. I'll PM my digits and you can call me, but not tonight K?

Sparkely, I can answer the question about herbs in pots, even though I am not a professional like our esteemed Poe.  The parsley and chives will do fine in pots.  For the rosemary, plant it in the ground and watch that bitch grow!

Dear Poe:
I have a huge rosemary bush in my yard. My friends tell me to get rid of it and/or trim it.
My questions are:
how am I supposed to trim it?
will I kill it if I cut just around it?
If I chop all the flowers in it, will the hummingbird still visit me?
what am I supposed to do with all the rosemary I cut?
do I make rosemary bread?
do I put it in nice bags with a bow and bring them to your sale?

PS: I may actually show up and buy some of your stuff. My garage has quiet a few pieces of junk, but it's far from full and my neighbors don't think I'm American enough because of that.

thank you,
Rosa

Binky "Dogveryai, no proveryai®" B. says:

Hey Poe,
I've got a good question for you... an actual gardening question. We have a mandarin or tangerine tree in the backyard that produces fruit, but doesn't drop its fruit, so it has old fruit on it when it tries to grow new fruit. Plus, the fruit tastes terrible. It is a mature tree. What is the best course of action to get this tree to start producing good fruit?
Signed,
Binky
-------
Pick the fruit and don't wait for it to drop. Fertilize with an organic citrus fertilizer every month from March to Dec. Lay down a layer of organic mulch or compost 2 times a year around the drip line of the tree. Water consistently otherwise the fruit will not taste good. When you first see flowers starting out give a boost with a liquid bone meal fertilizer to set the fruit.

Sparkely "When the rabbit has escaped, comes advice" K. says:

Dear Poe,

I have a few small pots (8" in diameter x 12" high) and would like to grow herbs for cooking such as rosemary, italian parsley, and chives.  Will I be successful using these small pots or do herbs need more depth for roots?

Thank you.

Sparkely
---------
You can grow just about any herbs in those pots. For the rosemary get the trailing kind since they grows smaller.

Asian Pear is pretty!  Get that instead of planting a redwood tree in front of your house, like the former owners of our place did.

Dear Poe,

Do you know of anyone who can help me trim my bush?

Cordially,

Jennifer Lofasz

**sets up another bowl and turns up the Dead '73 Cornell show up REAL loud**

Mike - can you hear it?  I bet Tsada and Lance can.

Patricia, I can, but I think Lance has Winterland '73 cranked up to loud to hear it.

Fond memories of Winterland.  Doses in binaca bottles as soon as you walked in the door.   Wait, let me change back my pic to 79.

Elite '09
531
205
7 minutes ago Tsada K. says:

Dear Poe,

Do you know of anyone who can help me trim my bush?

Cordially,

Jennifer Lofasz
-------
\
CHainsaw

Dear Poe,

I was given a potted orchid plant in January.  The soil has mold growing on it, but a few buds still look alive.  How do I get rid of the mold?  Am I watering it too much?  Short of buying soil to repot it, what can I do?

Thank you.

Sparkely K. said, "Thanks Poe and Patricia.  Rosa, can I have some of that Rosemary?"
_________________________

Sparkely~ you can have some of mine, I have a ton. I've tried to kill that bush and it keeps coming back.

Patricia;
If you practice good garden hygiene and build up your soil by keeping it alive your plants will do a better job of fighting off pests and diseases without much use of sprays. Go easy on fast acting nitrogen fertilizers, aphids like that. For some reason white roses will often get more pests and diseases.

Clean debris regularly, that is where pests and diseases can get their start.
Clean your pruners with a cloth dipped in bleach water.
Keep your soil alive by adding compost and organic mulch 3 times a year.  Spread 2-3 inches around each rose bush, do not cover the crowns. Do it in fall, early spring and mid summer.
Fertilize with slow release nitrogen in early spring (alfalfa meal is good) to get vegetative (green) growth.
Later in season witch to more phosphorous fertilizer to form flowers.
Add Epsom salts to your roses for needed minerals. A couple of table spoons per plant.
Water consistently. Water stressed plants can't fight off pests and diseases as well.
Use Neem oil diluted in water to spray for aphids BEFORE they start and then again when you see them.

Lady bugs need to have a place they wan to stay in for them to do their job. Water your garden well first, wet he leaves of the plants, they are thirsty after siting in a container for so long. . Best to resale early morning or late afternoon so the wind doesn't stress them. You can try spraying a tiny amount of sugar water on them so their wings will get stuck and they can't fly away or make sure there are plenty of aphids out for them to eat when they get released. Don't release them into a windy, dry garden without any food. Remember not to spray any insect sprays before or after you release them because whatever kills the aphids will kill the lady bugs as well.

Mike Z. says:

Tsada K. says:

Dear Poe,

Do you know of anyone who can help me trim my bush?

Cordially,

Jennifer Lofasz
+++++++++++++++++

Agent Orange
-----

+ Roundup

Rosa,
Rosemary is very tough and can deal with a  good prune. Instead of cutting it like a flat top at the tips, take a stalk and cut it all the way down to the bottom .  Go around on the outside of the plant and cut away and you can see the plant getting smaller.  You can also thin it out by cutting stalks down from the inside of the plant. Cut about 1/3 of the total stalks and stop there to see if it's the good size.
It will flower again so the birds will come back when it does.
I have no idea what to do with all the rosemary you will have left over. People around here have way too much on their hands.

Mrs "I'm a pescatarian, husband is gluten-free" F. says:

Dear Poe,

I was given a potted orchid plant in January.  The soil has mold growing on it, but a few buds still look alive.  How do I get rid of the mold?  Am I watering it too much?  Short of buying soil to repot it, what can I do?

Thank you.
-------
Stop watering. After they flower they need minimal water, they want a little rest so they can rev up again for growing and blooming season. Put it somewhere cool out of direct sun and heat. If the mold doesn't go away just get some orchid bark. Orchids do not take normal soil, they need a special bark.

Thanx Poe!  I just KNEW those white roses were trouble.  Even though they are gorgeous when they bloom with their palest of pink centers and a slight blush to their outer tips.

Hey, that sounds durty!  

**puts down pipe for the night**

Bobby "I am going to explode on you" H. says:

Dear Poe:

What are some hardy drought resistant pretty plants I can put in my 87 yo mothers yard? I'm thinking like Mexican Sage, Aloe, Jade tree. Going to Lowes tomorrow.

Mary Mary quite contrary.
-------
Yes to Mexican Sage and Jade. Aloes take a bit more care. It's actually easy to over water them and then they rot. Other good plants include;

Lavender
Yarrow
Some ornamental grasses like Stipa and Festuca glauca
Phormiums
Coreopsis
Euphorbias - get the smaller ones
Nandina for dry shade
African Daisy
Many CA native plants
Thyme - some very nice ornamental ones that smell good too
Mimulus - the perennial ones not the annual ones
Erigeron
Several kinds of Penstemon
Cosmos - not the sonata variety

OK I'm exhausted. Hope this has helped you and  I'm sure I missed someone's question so far and for that I don't really give a fuck. I typed my fingers to the bone and messed up my fabulous gardeners manicure.

You can certainly ask more questions but that doesn't mean I'm gonna answer it anytime soon.
Fuckers.

XO
P

Let's be a little less toxic and just use a weed whacker.

Isn't that gardener dreamy? *swoon*

John "Dobie" P. says:

Dear Poe:
Sheriff John Brown always hated me....For What I don't Know
Everytime I plant a seed, he say kill it before it grows
he say kill it before it grows.....

What do I do?
----------
Move.

-------------------
Freedom came my way today...So I started out town....yea
All of a sudden I see Sheriff John Brown
Gam'in to Shoot me down...
----------
Now what?

Plumeria and Orchids...I have had zero success with both.  What the hell?

So I shot - I shot - I shot him down and I say:
If I am guilty I will pay.

Poe, why do you hate America?

Thanks Poe, I had an orchard and everyone told me tho junk it. It has numerous buds now. Poe, why you hate America?

Wait - one more...(?)

I have this uncinia uncinata - red sedge perennial grass...  Should I lop off the remaining tall, stalks -still greenish and still with seed pods -  that shot up last year leaving the main, lower still red clumpy grass parts?  The tall parts look like a bad haircut from last year that I should trim.  Should I take them down to the ground?

Thank you for your helpful assistance in this matter,

Just another hazy Saturday Fucker.

Hazey

chum "° elle roi °" L. says:

Sparkely K. said, "Thanks Poe and Patricia.  Rosa, can I have some of that Rosemary?"
_________________________

Sparkely~ you can have some of mine, I have a ton. I've tried to kill that bush and it keeps coming back.

Heh.  Chum said, "bush".

Poe, are you a dirty hoe or a dirty ho?

If I don't respond after your response, it's because I'm in yelp jail again for asking this question because some uptight cu*t will flag this, not realizing that we're kidding and you know the rest...

luis .. says:

Plumeria and Orchids...I have had zero success with both.  What the hell?
--------
Luis, your problem sounds deep. I suggest you attend my garage sale and we discuss in person.

I'll give you this brief info. on orchids;
Orchids have a complex symbiotic relationship with the organisms in the bark it grows in.
They have very active growth cycles that require a certain kinds of fertilizers, light, humidity and temperatures and a very inactive cycle of rest that require minimal water, light and a cool place.

Hazel, your grass should have been cut back hard in winter. You can try to cut to back now but i can't guarantee it won't look like a worse hair cut for another month or so longer. You can try to tease out he crunchy dry or dead pieces and cut down the seed stalks instead of cutting the whole thing.

That's it for now, I got a garage sale to get ready for.

Poe  or as  I calll you the Miles Davis of Gardening,

When you get back..........

How do I get rid of the mushrooms in my grass with out killing my grass?  I dont want my wiener dog to accidently eat any of them.

Gracias!!

I have mostly succulents in my garden. I have trained them to take care of themselves so I don't have to water them. Can you recommend some more plants that can adapt to the micro climate of the Dolores Park neighborhood and can thrive on their own?

OK really last one for a while.
CK, succuletns and cacti are the only things you don't have to water at all. This list is stuff that need a little bit of water.

The usual Mediterranean suspects like Lavender, rosemary, several salvias (not all - check labels).
Lots of stuff from New Zealand, S. Africa ,  Australia, CA natives all considered to be Mediterranean.

Phormium
Leucadendron
Coprosma lots of new ones out lately with great colors
Euphorbias - some have higher water needs, check labels
Nandina for dry shade
Several grasses like Stipa

IVY "Just Blacked Out" R. says:

Poe  or as  I calll you the Miles Davis of Gardening,

When you get back..........

How do I get rid of the mushrooms in my grass with out killing my grass?  I dont want my wiener dog to accidently eat any of them.

Gracias!!
-------
I know very little about lawns mostly because I hate them. Mushrooms could be from over watering and a drainage issue. I used fungicides for my roses and other plants so maybe you can apply that to your lawn? Nurseries and Hardware stores will have fungicides for plant use. One brand to try is Safer.

Why aren't you bitches bumping my event posting for this? Fuckers.....

I just potted some vegetable starts and everything is going just fine. What I really want to know is where can I buy a bunch of crap I don't need for a decent price?

Lance "Lancehole" G. says:

I just potted some vegetable starts and everything is going just fine. What I really want to know is where can I buy a bunch of crap I don't need for a decent price?
--------
Matilda told me to tell you to shut up Lance.

He never listenes.

hi poe,

i'm a gardening neophyte & my bf would be the more savvy one.  we just planted a garden on april 1st, that consists of: 9 broccoli plants, 7 tomato plants, 1 rhubarb, 1 cucumber, mint, rosemary, parsley, cilantro, and whole onions and garlic that have gone off and have growth coming out of them (we just kinda wanted to test if anything would come from these).  all of the plants were spouted with leaves upon purchase.  all of the plants are planted in the garden, for the exception of the herbs which are in planter boxes and pots.

we've also had trouble getting our limes, lemons, and grapefruit from last year to flourish.  these would be in their own pots, with the branches and leaves grown out.

our garden is in the excelsior/outer mission, and the area gets an ample amount of light, providing the sun is out.

i just wanted to know if you have any tips or suggestions on raising the above said mentioned plants.

thanks in advance,
sheri

Hi Poe, what a lovely idea for a thread! I have a wisteria that I got last summer. It's about 6 feet tall but lost every single leaf and flower over the winter. It doesn't appear to be coming back at all yet this Spring. It's just a woody, dead-looking tree. Do you think it'll come back? Or should I use that huge pot for something else? Thanks!

dear gardener,
why am i fat when i used to be skinny?
love,
gwynnie p.

p.s. c.u.tomorrow

dear gardner,

do you have any idea where i can find green zebra tomato plants in the bay area?  also, how much sun do my tomatoes have to get every day to thrive.

also, sorry for so many questions, i planted five shrub rosebushes in the little strip between the sidewalk and my low front fence.  various little assholes on their way to school, and also various neighborhood assholes who are old enough to know better, cut or pick the roses while passing our house.

i have decided i would like to have planted the roses on a similarly sized strip abutting (do you like that word?) the front of the house, and put some lesser plants in the strip up front.  can i dig up the rose bushes and replant them, or will they just die and curse me?

love

kevin

Poe, also, I started some seeds inside a few weeks ago and they're ready to go out in the garden--the roots are coming through their little peat pots. I planned to plant them today but didn't because it was so hot. My deck gets full sun all day long and it was so hot today I thought they'd just wilt and die out there. Should I wait until it's a bit cooler to plant outside? I have sunflowers, corn, sweet peas, zucchini and cucumbers. What do you think? I put them out for the day on Friday to get used to it and they got a little wilt-y....

sheri,

Broccoli, parsley cilantro watch for bolt - meaning watch they don't flower. If you see a flower on the parsley and cilantro cut them off. If the broccoli gets too hot it will flower and be no good.

Citrus; make sure it has good drainage, if they have been there a long time take them, snip away some of the roots, repot with good soil AND compost. Feed once a month from March to Dec. with an organic citrus fertilizer. When you see flowers give liquid bone meal to set fruit. They need heat and consistent water and take a while to fruit.

Kelly,
Wisteria go completely dormant for winter so they go totally bare.
I have seen wisteria sit here looking ta me, mocking me while everything else is in full  bloom and then one day it pops. To find out if it's dead, cut a piece, if it's soft and green inside, it's alive. Do not be tempted to over water because you think it will speed up the growth.

Kevin, I have seen green zebra tomatoes st Sloat garden center on 3rd Ave. in SF and Flora Grubb Gardens in SF. They need 6-8 hours of direct sun. You can do tricks to give them extra light by plating on front of a white wall to reflect light, put tin foil on boards and put behind them, use black or clear plastic mulch.

You can move your roses. Don't feed them before you move them. Cut off the blooms before you move them so they won't have to put energy into supporting the blooms and can instead direct their energy into establishing roots. Dig them up and while you are prepping your other spot soak the root balls in water. Dig your holes 2 feet deep and 18" wide, amend with bone meal or compost, plant, fertilize with alfalfa meal. Water really well.

Kelly, ween them from inside to put. Place outside for an hour. Next day for 2 hours. The next 3 hours. The process is called hardening off, I know it sounds dirty.

Bobby,
Was the African Daisy called osteospermum? Sometimes common names change from region to region or even by grower. They are defiantly drought tolerant. That doesn't mean no water, that means they can make it through a period of little or no water. All drought tolerant stuff does need to be watered well while it gets itself established. Once established they require much smaller amounts of water. There may be a case where a certain species or cultivator (brand) of a drought tolerant plant does need more water.

You are amazing Poe, thank you!

I love it when  you say Root Ball with that Persian-Midwestern Twang.

And Thanks!

You fuckers lost out on some amazing plants and garden decor. I have a few odds and ends left and will be at my apt. for another week or so. The left overs are being donated to Suge so if you want to stick it to her, come and buy my shit before I give them to her.

I'll stick it to Suge.

Is it legal to put plants on fire escapes?  Like a big tub of something?

Amy "SassyPants" Z. says:

Is it legal to put plants on fire escapes?  Like a big tub of something?
------
No, not legal. Fire escapes are supposed to remain unblocked. I see people do it all the time though.

Wait, why am I answering more questions when you fuckers didn't even come to my sale? A few of you did come by and even help but the rest of you losers deserve to have red and white striped carnations to take over your yards.

Thank You Poe!

Wait Poe, what are you selling?

Poe "lost my kitty cat" .. says:
I'll give you this brief info. on orchids;
Orchids have a complex symbiotic relationship with the organisms in the bark it grows in.
********************************************
So.....would these organisms include teensy skinny white insects that I've seen crawling around in my orchid (I think it's an Oncidium pardothrysum) potting mix?  
Or should I replace the potting mix?  I've never re-potted this puppy in the 6+ yrs I've had it.  It's growing a flower stalk right now....

I was there.  Didn't you see me?  We embraced, talked about old times, enjoyed a freshly made Arnold Palmer that you poured for me, hosed down a root ball.

poe, do you know anything about installing a doggie septic system? will it be good for my soil?

and should i buy ladybugs for my garden?

and i am very excited for more plants!

cindy, you're not supposed to pot puppies. that's not how they grow.

idiot.

I wondered why it kept squirming...

dear gardener,

first of all, you rock. thank you so much! and B, my friends moved into a new place and have a SHITLOAD of snails. they also have a very nosy dog who gets into everything, so snail poison is not an option. are there any safe ways to get rid of the snails?

thanks!

I'm not a gardener but have experience with beer. Leave beer out in dish, snails get crazy hangover and dies, pretzels an option.

Why do all my orchids die?  Am I ignoring them too much, not ignoring them enough?

suge, my mom used to put out this bowl of sugar water, something like that, they were drawn to it.

also, my dad had insomnia, so he'd go out in the middle of the night and stomp on them. it was really nasty in the morning.

Poe,
The "landscape committee"  (of one) at my condo. complex feels compelled to have the landscape company rip out perfectly happy plants around the complex because they do not meet her personal preference for aesthetics.  She seems to really dislike bamboo but seems to love agapantha's.  The Magnolia tree in front of her place doesn't look as good as others around the complex so that needs to go too.  She likes lavendar but not what we have as it is not purple enough.  Can you have her exterminated?  At the very least, since she is Jewish,  a personal note from the Persian Terrorist would be ideal..... can I provide you her name and contact information?

Dear Gardener,

Our Pointsettia from last Christmas is growing new leaves but they are green. Will they turn red after time?

Thanks.

Dear Gardener,

My various bulbs in two large beds in front of our house are done.  We had tulips, ranunculus, daffodils, and something else that I don't remember.

The green part of the bulb plants are still there and looking fine, if boring, but the stalks of the blooms are all either cut off or looking very very Nightmare-before-Christmas forlorn and dead.

I want some new colorful bedding plants, but I'm wondering if I need to keep the green part of the bulb plants intact for a while in order for the bulb to survive for next spring.  It would be a hassle to plant around them.

Also, when we moved in, the beds were all marigolds.  I want something different this year, and I'm not a petunia or impatiens dude.  What is going to fill a couple of 12-foot beds up with lots of color and variety and still not cost me an arm, leg, or tentacle.

The house is a yellow stucco spanish style house with a red tile roof, with a cedar fence out front and nice-looking brown-stained concrete driveway.

Peace, Love, and Thanks,

Kevin

Poe,

I know you said you were going to answer these questions whenever you felt like it, but it's been 2 1/2 weeks!

Poe!!!!!!!   My orchid is dying!!  HEEEEEEEELLLLLLLPPP!!!!!!!!!!!  PLEEEEAASSE.  

Oh, and HI.

Po,  Dennis is about to be deflowered,  any suggestions?

I hope no one has already asked this question, because I'm not reading this clusterfuck- Around what kinds of plants do we spread the used coffee grinds like they offer for FREE at Starbucks in large metallic bags?

Something (or someone) has been eating my habenero plant- what sort of creature wold be bold enough to do this?

Dear Angry Gardener,
My 32 heirloom rose bushes keep getting mold and rust. I constantly trim and spray them with rose pride, then i switched to neem oil, nothing seems to make the temperamental bastards happy. I fertilize them with miracle grow spinkle feed and once in awhile fish emulsion in the bucket method. Nothing.
Now this season the roses are smaller and the stems are weak they have a tone of mold and rust again. Every time I think they are healthy and cut some for vases they die in a day or two in the vase. What am I doing wrong?
Sincerely,
Joe

Dear Angry Gardener,

I've planted several plastic cows along with some breadfruit. I've poured tons of ketchup and mustard on them. I've even places diced onions and pickles on top of the soil. Why can't I get a hamburger to sprout?

*sitting in my moving van drinking Gatorade awaiting your response.