Situation: new roommate moving out after only a month...  apparently, my "demands" were a bit excessive (see some of my "excessive" demands below).  After a suitable replacement is found, new roommate will be moving in... but je suis trop fatiguee of dealing with roommate issues, so this time, we're going to sign a contract.

The usual will be outlined, but of greater concern at this point are the things you wouldn't expect to have to ask a roommate to do... the things that you would expect any 'normal' person to do of their own free will.  

Unfortunately, with almost each new roommate situation, I've discovered that nothing is beyond the realm of possibilities, so I'm planning on appending a 'house rules' section to the standard roommate contract stuff, starting with the following from personal experience.  

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1.  The only appropriate place to dispose of bodily fluids is in the toilet.  Should a roommate use any other area of the property for this purpose, they are wholly responsible for the cost of professional cleaning services.  Should roommate 1 urinate or defecate on personal property of roommate 2, roommate 1 is required to replace said property immediately, and pay for immediate removal of said property.

2.  The toilet must always be flushed after use.  Every use.  

3.  Each roommate is responsible for their actions, as well as the actions of their guests.  Roommate 1 must pay to replace or repair property damage caused by them their guests, at the property owner's discretion.  

4.  Pets are the responsibility of their respective owner.  
a) Roommate 1 must pay to replace or repair property damage caused by them their pet, at the property owner's discretion.  
b) Should Roommate 1 go one week without removing their pet's waste from the yard, a pet waste removal service will be utilized at their expense.
c) Pets are always to reside in their respective owner's room after 10 pm, unless express permission has been given.
d) Any pet exhibiting violent behavior towards a human or causing serious unprovoked injury to another pet must immediately and permanently vacate the premises.  Should Roommate 1 wish to subsequently move out, Roommate 1 will remain fully responsible for their portion of  monthly rent until a suitable replacement is found.

Any charges incurred from violating the above rules must be paid to Roommate 2 within 3 days of said violation.  Roommate 1 will be held responsible for any time and effort of Roommate 2 to remedy the situation, which must be paid at Roommate 2's presiding hourly wage.  

Note:
Roommate 1 = Bad roommate.
Property owner = other roommate or landlord.
Replace = current full replacement value of identical item.

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Yes, I'm serious about this... and I'm probably going to have it looked over by a lawyer.  So... if you've ever had a bad roommate situation, let me know what happened, and I'll share the final product with y'all.

i don't think a lawyer is going to approve the language 'roommate 1= bad roommate'

and the flushing the toilet thing isn't very ecologically responsible. do you know how much energy flushing a toilet uses? remember the old saying 'if it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown, flush it down'

Suge,
Where do you get this stuff??  Girl, you crack me up!
Lisa

On the Real World last season (yes I watch trash) one roommate "lost" a tampon and the other put on medical gloves and helped her find it.  *That* is above and beyond the call of duty.

Make enough money so you don't need a roommate! :~)

Sheesh.

I don't think you can enforce the "roommate must continue to pay rent until a suitable replacement is found" portion, unless you put them on the lease... and if you do that, you're asking for worse problems.  30 day notice should carry the day.  It's your lease, not theirs.

Property owner = landlord
Primary leaseholder = other roommate

But, I also don't think "Roommate 1 = Bad Roommate" will fly either.

Eep.  I'm a lovely roommate but that would send me heading for the hills. . . who wants to live with a control freak?  You're a roommate, not "the boss."  I really feel your pain - people are weird and if you have to share a living space with them it's even worse, but I'd advise being a bit delicate in the delivery of your "contract."  Once the interview has gone well and you like the person, maybe you bring it up as a light sort of thing you know, like "I'm really embarrassed having to do this, but you just don't know what I've been through. . . . "  If you can laugh about it a bit, you'll seem less militant and scary!  Good luck finding someone normal!  :o)

Girl... You need better roommates.. Where are you finding these people??  You shouldn't have to ask for such common sense things.  P.S.  That is what a deposit is for.....
Oh and... don't live with friends ever...

Ditto to what Jennifer said.  Although your claims on the whole are not unreasonable, were I potential roommate, I would be deterred by the bossiness, figuring that it might branch into less reasonable areas.

you might start it out "dear soon to be no longer a potential roommate". your concerns are all valid but it might not come across the way you want. you might just want to rent them 'pacific heights' with michael keaton and say, "none of this, 'kay?"

"Roommate 1 = Bad Roommate" : that was just to indicate here that I'm not the one peeing on other people's furniture.

And right, of course I would plan on being a bit more tactful... and of course, it'll be handled with as much humor as possible.  People always enjoy my bad roommate stories...

Since the lease was signed only a month ago, he's going to assign the lease to her.

And Suge: I agree, it would be great to let it mellow... unfortunately, when it sits there for 12 hours the bathroom starts smelling like the Bart station at 24th and Mission, it's not cool.

michelle - was his name pete, by any chance?

I agree that you probably just need to choose better roommates.  

Instead of your "contract," I propose the following simple questionnaire to screen potential roommates:

1.  Do you have pets?
    1a)  How many?
    1b)  What kind?
2.  Are you proficient at operating a toilet?
3.  The seating with upholstery and no hole in the middle situated in the living room is
     a.  the toilet
     b.  the couch
4.  Were you raised by wolves?

Yeah - seriously, make enough to get your own place.

Actually - my best roommates back in college had been my friends before (and yes, we became even better friends after).  Strangers are just WEIRD sometimes, you never know what to expect - and they don't give a rats ass about you.  But with friends, you're more likely to have common sensibilities, like not peeing all over the house.

brenda - that's great!

Doesn't anyone go crazy in an apartment all by themselves?

though, brenda, you may have to expand #1

1.  Do you have pets?
   1a)  How many?
   1b)  What kind?
   1c) Have your pets ever maimed or killed anyone?
   1d) Do any of the following adjectives describe your pet? feral, rabid, vicious, kujo-esque

Or perhaps, Suge:

4a)  Do you plan to bring your feral, rabid, vicious, kujo-esque wolf family into our living quarters?

I never thought I'd have to ask a roommate to move out when he stopped paying rent.  Was I not going to notice?

I live alone and I don't go crazy, I just go out all the time.

Keep his rats locked up.

and no i'm not kidding..

this is why i live alone...





that and i'm terribly insane.. heaheea

I never thought I'd have to ask a roommate to stop sneaking into my room late at night trying to molest me.

I never thought I'd have to beg a roommate to start sneaking into my room late at night to molest me.

This is why I will do anything not to have roommates. Living alone is the best thing I ever did for my sanity.

Need to have a better interview process. or live with a friend.  I have zero chance of violating any of your rules, yet I would run in the opposite direction once I saw a list like this.

also, why dont you just have a 'no additional pets' rule?

This is why I moved back in with my parents who are great roommates... having a shot or two with dad after a long day, priceless.

Amen, Ernie, amen!  Although sometimes I think my husband thinks of me as the bad roommate raised by wolves.  I'm Oscar, he's Felix, but we've been managing for 10 years now.

I live alone and I LOVE it.  It's when I'm NOT home that I have to deal w/crazies.  Like Quasimodo says, "Sanctuary, SANCTUARY...."

Other things I've had to say to past roommates:

"Please stop bringing exotic plants into the house, they have killed one of my kittens and they are blocking the hallway."

"Quit sliding pictures of your dick under my door every morning."

"It's been a while since you broke up with me and you're still hogging the covers.  Please move out."

"Mikal, I know you're hiding all of my dishes in your bedroom."

"Mikal, please quit playing that one song repeat at full volume from 9pm to 9am everyfuckingnight.."

"No, your scary ghetto coke dealer is not a suitable replacement roommate and no, that doesn't mean you tried and are free to leave without filling the blank."

"Please stop knocking on my bedroom door and then running downstairs giggling."

"Quit pulling my out of my room at odd hours of the night to tell me your stupid stories that always somehow evolve into a story of when you fucked one of my exboyfriends."

that's "...pulling ME out of my room..."

Poor kitty.

Yeah, keep them away from any and all lillies.

Michelle,
Having a contract is a good idea.  And I think your requests are more than reasonable.  However, another approach would be to interview your potential roommates and talk about these issues.  Then that would give the other person a chance to also weigh in on things that bother they'd like the other person to respect.  Then you can co-create a contract that you've both agreed to rather than one person feeling like the other is making demands.  

Other things you need to agree on:
- Cleaning/chores --- possibly make a schedule together.  Depending on how much of clean freaks the two of you are, you can decide what makes sense.  But things like dirty dishes staying in the sink or who takes out the garbage/recycling, who cleans the bathroom, etc. are bound to come up.  
- Common space: What items go in the common space and what items need to be stored in cabinets or your room?  As an example, I had a roommate that would put her food items on the counter, taking up the entire counter space.  That bugged me.  Then I put my makeup on the bathroom counter and that bugged a different roommate.  Also things like furniture can become an issue if you both have a TV and a couch, etc.  Better to decide it together in advance.
- Cooking/food --- Do you want to buy groceries together to share, or do you want everything separate?  Do you want to share cooking duties or always eat separately?  That should be explicit.  You might end up buying a gallon of milk and then all the sudden it's gone when you didn't drink the last of it.  That's a minor example, but basically it's about respecting each other's property and not taking without asking.
- Guests visiting --- This one needs to be stated up front.  Are guests allowed to stay overnight?  If so, for how long?  Where do guests stay?  How many guests are allowed over at a time?  Do you need permission from the other roommate? You want to be clear about this, otherwise you might end up with your roommate's significant other staying over all the time, eating your food, sleeping on your couch, etc.  Or your roommate could be having weekend-long parties when you need to get some sleep.