here's a question for those in betweeners...u came to the states when u were hella young (like 2-6 yrs old) and you family still carries with them a lot of the old chinese traditionals that are ingrained into you. how do you balance that aspect of your life with the "american" that you have been taught in school?  

does the chinese guilt win (yeah mom, i'm talking about you) or does the new american independent you win?  this constant struggle to "find" where you really belong since the immigrants look at you like ur all abc and shit and the abc's look at u like ur still a fob.  

i've been here since i was two but i feel i associate with my chinesy side more than my american side. i think its cuz i grew up in sf and almost every school i've gone to (i went to public sfusd by the way) are mostly made up of asians.  also because my parents keep pushing the old country teachings on me.  

how do you identify yourself? was it ever confusing for you?

yelp is like therapy only more weird.

I was born here, Mom wasn't.  She tried to be traditional, but she thought it was more fun to change it up.  I was brought up on all kinds of different foods, didn't have to go to Chinese school after school, spoke Chinglish at home (so she could learn more words, too), observed other holidays....still doing it Chinese style, though.  

I feel pretty fortunate that Mom was so open to American things.

I never cared if anyone thought I was a FOB or ABC because I knew I was neither. It didn't bother me that Old World relatives saw me as "other" because I was obviously bicultural and part of the Chinese diaspora, and it's not like they never knew anyone who had not been to the US or moved here to start a different life.

I keep both citizenships, both passports. I visit back and forth. However, I knew as a child that "home" was my family, so it never entered my mind that my home was somewhere else. Sorry, no confusion. I balance the two parts by making decisions based on neither.

My folks had recently moved to Wisconsin from Illinois when I was born.  My Dad was a Bears fan and I never could really identify with that.  I'm a Packers fan 100% through and through.  I reject the old ways, and embrace the new.

I'd say just let them think what they want, this is your life, you only get one turn, it goes fast. Embrace both sides, you cannot separate the two, to deny one or the other is to deny who you are. Later in life you wouldn't have it any other way. If you came here when you were 2-3 you might as well have been born here as you will not have really known any other life. Even if you were born here it doesn't seem like it would have made any difference. Just my opinion.

I just gotta bring up the Hapa dilemma- My dad's Chinese and I was raised at my family's Chinese restaurants.  I'm really proud to be Chinese and want to be recognized as such, but I look really white.  Whenever I go to Chinese restaurants or stores, I'm just perceived as another low fon chick.  I just want it on the record that I'm half-Chinese, thank you

It could be worse. One of my ex's was Chinese but was a self professed twinkie(yellow on the outside white on the inside) and we'd go to Chinese restaurants and they would go up to her and start rambling on in Cantonese and the clueless look she always had on her face was always priceless.

trying growing up in los altos hills where there's only one other slanty eyed person in your whole school.

i didn't even know what a "Korean" person looked like till i went to college, not to mention a cambodian, laotian or burmese.

but...i can speak conversational cantonese and cuss like a hong kong cabby.  the disappointing part, I go into chinese restaurant order in chinese and they answer me in english.

As you get older, you're not going to identify as Chinese or American.  These identities aren't mutually exclusive.  You're just going to think of yourself as YOU.  You don't have a split personality, so don't start parceling out personality traits as either American or Chinese.  Being independent isn't exclusively American, and having a sense of familial obligation isn't exclusively Chinese.

It's like being hapa: culturally blended.  Sounds like a tasty frapuccino!

Lauren, do they do you like they do me?  Take away your chopsticks and give you a fork?  I hate that!  

Strength +1.  I enjoy being everything I want to be.  I think that was the point my mother was trying to make the whole time.  I've seen her circle of friends and the way they've pressured their children to fit in the old-fashioned Chinese mold, and all it's done is made them secretive and resentful.  Of course, same friends think my mother has raised a "wild" child, and she's lost "control".  Whatever.  I'm still the only kid that hangs out with her mother, and hugs   & kisses her openly.  Where are THEIR kids?

Embrace both and be thankful to be bilingual and bicultural.  You will see that it's a blessing.

Ah..i've had this same conversation with so many of my Asian friends.  Just like I tell them..be who you are and not who they want you to be.

I spent the first 15 years of my life outside this country, but was born here. After moving back it was extremely hard to re-adjust (after all change can be scary at first), even though I attended a British international high school. The final year of high school in SF was not fun, where peers from both sides of the aisle wouldn't accept me at first (too westernized to the FOBs and too FOBBY-ish to the non Asians). It took a while to get used to it and settle in and find my niche, but everything was in its right place afterwards.

If anything stay true to your roots where they lie, have more self-esteem and confidence in yourself, and less paranoia of identity, is all that I can advise, there nothing to be ashamed of.

Otherwise you end up in these college Asian American studies classes with other people trying so hard to find their roots, many of whom are in similar boats except their parents are still stuck in the old world mentality and give their kids a hard time, verbal abuse/mental abuse, set high expectations because you came home with an A- and not an A (basically trying to achieve what they could not, thinking it is in the best interests of their children when they are actually doing more harm, instead of encouraging their kids to follow realistic and grounded dreams and goals and providing love and support in the process). Whoops I've seen too much in my lifetime thus far.

Interesting topic.  I was born and raised in the Bay Area and the kids I grew up around were all Filipino or Hispanic.  I was teased very early on for my slanted eyes and pumpkin face.  I never had to do the whole Chinese school thing or piano lessons typical of many Chinese-American children.    It all made me so anti-Chinese.

Ed! I thought you spoke Cantonese! Ooo! Now I know who to practice Mandarin with if I ever get off my lazy booty and study it again! :)

"I can bargain for a discount when shopping at Chinese markets"

A$IAN CHEAPNE$$ BABY! Does not discriminate. You are more A$N than you think, bargaining is in our blood.

I was raised with new Chinese "traditionals" in Hawaii and the old Chinese in SF scare teh shitz out of me.

I was born in Atlanta and lived in Taiwan for 4 years when I was small before coming back to the US.  My junior high/high school was all Korean/Chinese and I lived in a very Chinesey neighborhood.  I'd say the Chinese guilt has pretty much won.  I'm actually pretty content with it and I'm aiming to improve my Chinese and hope to move back to Asia in 10 years.

hahaha...i see everyone knows about the"chinese guilt". it took years of therapy to get pass it. Its "OK" to say no to your parents, that its not considered un-dutiful.  i'm very happy with myself today, it took a long time to identify myself as just ME. just wanted to hear other's experiences.  

ken - it's call "cheap chinese"  LOL  =)

Born of chinese/filipino decent on the east coast, my family moved to California by way of Bakersfield, CA - yes, Bakersfield.

My first day of school - a kid threw an apple at me.  Then his friend hit him and said, "stop it dude. she knows kung fu."

I told my parents.  They told me to act more white.

What is Chinese guilt?  To be more Chinese?  To speak better chinese and maybe recognize some kanji?

I grew up among white people.  Where I lived there was no Chinese school.  And my parents where too tried and old to force Chinese down my throat being the most Americanize of their children.  You ever noticed you must explain your background so that people will understand why you don't speak Chinese?   And maybe accept it and you?

While I parents probably wished I spoke more Chinese, so I can talk with them since their English is not so good.  They never told me that.  They are proud of me.  Maybe because of this I'm indifferent.

I'm Chinese.  I love Chinese food.  But I love other types of food.  And don't want to live in a Chinese speaking country.  So for me it's ok.  I'm ethnically or genetically Chinese.  No one can deny me that.  Am I true Chinese?  China is a big country, define Chinese for me.  I don't feel a need to change.

John "I'll out drink ya all, I'm Irish" B. says:

Sheila G. says:

Lauren, do they do you like they do me?  Take away your chopsticks and give you a fork?  I hate that!  

They do it too me too!! Yeah I know I am White, but I can eat with sticks too!!!
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YES!  But the general lack of recognition is what gets to me.  I hate being seen as a total outsider when I'm among my own people.  I feel this deep closeness and connection (probably enhanced because since I'm only half, I'm trying harder) to Chinese people, but it isn't returned at all

You two are getting some friend requests!  :)