Vanderpump Rules recap: 'Nothing Here for Me'

As I have stated previously, vacations are the kiss of death for Bravo reality cast members. You get in screaming fights. You take off your clothes. You fall drunkenly into bushes. You end up in tears on a balcony. It’s ALWAYS bad. But wonderful for us to all watch. Sorry not sorry.

But Jax seems to finally be aware of this trend. He has major anxiety about this massive group trip to Mexico that Brittany is planning for his bday. Thankfully, he has a morning meeting with Reiki master Kelsey to de-stress. In a totally not suspicious move, he throws Britt out of the apartment. “Have fun. Grow. Or whatever this does!” she says as she leaves their house. Jax then gets to work like Cinderella-style cleaning their apartment top to bottom. He even gets out some pastries for Kelsey to nibble on in between crystal explanation and tapping on Jax’s forehead. She leaves him with some stones that will hopefully take the negative energy out of his place. Jax does seem to be in better spirits when she’s around. He even suggests people label her “The Jax Whisperer.” I can’t wait for the Robert Redford film adaptation of Kelsey’s life.

He also reveals something fairly major to Kelsey: He’s considering moving to Tampa and taking “a job in hockey.” It’s sort of unclear what this actually means and why a hockey organization is based in a state where ice never exists outside of refrigerators. He tells her he’d be doing social media and marketing which also sounds confusing, given he currently does mojitos and strawberry margaritas.

But it’s more awkward because he hasn’t yet explained this all to Brittany. She seems a little taken aback that he wants to up and move to Tampa, especially since they just sorta mended their relationship. But she’s all for him growing up. We all are, Britt.

Elsewhere, Stassi is planning Lala’s big showcase. She meets Lala’s music team, which includes a man Lala refers to as “Blk Elvis.” Stassi’s plan for the big evening is “sexy, dark, mildly haunted house.” Confusingly, this is a concept that Lala loves. But Stassi admits she doesn’t know anything about music so she’s letting Lala and her team work on that. Stassi only listens to “show tunes, reggaeton and the Game of Thrones soundtrack.”

Scheana and Rob meet up about their bonkers idea, “Divorce Closet.” I still don’t really understand the details or how this is legal but like it allows divorced people to sell their spouses stuff online. Like that feels reaaaal fishy. Is this just so she can get rid of Shay’s snowboard? Scheana seems to think this is an idea on which they can both retire. I’d keep booking SUR shifts, gurl. She asks Rob what her involvement will be and he says she’ll be the face but he’ll have the majority equity in the company. She just looks at him and flirts instead of being like, “Hold up. Give me the exact deets.” Sigh. She then brings up marrying him and you can see Rob die inside a little bit.

After some brief Lisa V moments that include her riding her horse, Prince Tardon, and Sandoval making her a cocktail at the Tom Tom construction site, it’s time for the gang to jet off to Mexico. As usual, there is drinking both before and after the flight. I just try and imagine being one of the guests at the hotel they’re staying at and asking the front desk what in the hell is going on. And for a refund.

Jax and Brittany do actually have a really nice room, complete with a private pool. They access that fairly quickly with Brittany opting for a topless swim. Meanwhile, Kristen and Stassi are roomies, which feels like it’s going to go awry real soon. Apparently, Doute is not the best roommate. Lemme put on my big surprise face.

While things are happening in Mexico, Lisa V checks on the staff at SUR and chats it up with (probably new cast member) Adam. He has magically appeared in the last couple episodes and now wants a promotion from barback to bartender. He’s super cute — and now possibly involved in a storyline with Brittany — but his bartending skills suck. Then again, Jax isn’t like crushing his position at the SUR bar.

Finally, it’s time for dinner in Mexico. Besides Jax’s birthday, it’s also a celebration of Scheana’s divorce. Everyone is super tired, though, of hearing Scheana gush about Rob and how quickly he can install things or how they’re looking at a vacation house in Austin. Samesies.

Jax decides to take the two Toms aside and tell them about his (maybe fake) Tampa job. They’re floored he’d wanna move away but Jax feels like it’s time for them to all grow up. “Why would you say that?” Schwartz asks earnestly.

Back with the ladies, it somehow gets revealed that Scheana wants to set Brittany up with Adam so that she can feel better about herself or some such bonkers logic. Clearly, she just wants to take revenge for Jax crapping on her own relationship. Brittany also lets all the ladies know about Jax’s Tampa idea. By the time Jax returns, everyone is sorta confused about this job. Brittany gets upset that he’s not thinking about her own future career plans, which Jax is completely dumbfounded about. She wants to work with disabled children and her own boyfriend could not remember. This sets off Lala, who is all about girl power this season. She starts screaming at Jax. He yells back. Then, Stassi starts yelling. Eventually, a bunch of the girls get up and just leave. Happy Birthday/Divorce, Jax and Scheana!