Did Jax Taylor Get Another Woman Pregnant While Cheating on Brittany Cartwright?

Ah, another season at SUR. The rosé is flowing, friendships have fallen apart, Jax Taylor has started a sex scandal and our patron saint Lisa Vanderpump wonders why the bloody hell she’s hired these endlessly entertaining hot messes.

When Monday’s Vanderpump Rules season 6 premiere begins, the battle lines among the witches of WeHO are already redrawn: Scheana Marie isn’t speaking to Katie Maloney or Stassi Schroeder, because apparently it’s 2013 again.

“I had made a comment comparing the amount of friends Katie and I have to someone, and it got back to Katie that I said she has no friends. I meant it as a compliment,” Scheana insists.

Okay …

“She took it as an insult. I then get rage texts from her.”

It’s hard to tell exactly what when down between them from the fragment of a screenshot we’re shown. Last season, Scheana was a bridesmaid in Katie and Tom Schwartz’s Pinterest-perfect, woodsy wedding, and now, she’s turning to her at the bar to inform her that she’s hosting a masquerade ball/birthday party … but Katie isn’t invited. (Schwartzy-poo, forever this crew’s Switzerland, is, and he attends later without his wife, who’s weirdly unbothered by the whole thing. Maybe marriage really has changed TomKat.)

As Stassi succinctly puts it in a confessional: “It just seems like a lot of effort to go out of your way to be an asshole.”

We’re playing catch-up with the SURvers for most of the episode: James Kennedy is still DJing and welcomes back his college student girlfriend Raquel with open arms, though there’s an allusion to something deeper with his gay friend Logan. Ariana Madix is rocking a short, slicked ‘do, much to Tom Sandoval‘s self-pleasure. (Bonus points to the producers for cutting to a scene of him suggestively shaking a cocktail.) Stassi’s got a new apartment and an old love, Patrick, back in her life, though as we know from her live coverage of their breakup and very Sex and the City vacation, their on-off relationship will flip that switch soon.

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The Toms need to invest $100,000 each in Lisa and Ken’s “romantic industrial” bar TomTom, but Sandoval might have jeopardized the business opportunity by a) venting about his boss in her restaurant while she’s within earshot and b) trying to take charge of a visit to the construction site. (Oh, and the Toms brought Jax along for a “research trip” to Colorado to see if they could legally incorporate marijuana into their artisanal cocktails. Spoiler alert: They can’t.)

Jax and James are suddenly BFFs, and Scheana is head over heels for Rob, a guy she dated before her ill-fated marriage to Shay. Her party is sort of their public debut as a couple, and her outfit is, as always, extra: The birthday girl glides in wearing a gold gown from the bedroom she converted into a walk-in closet.

“I’m just waiting for that final piece of paper, the divorce certificate, and I can get remarried after that,” she tells the camera, smirking.

But Kristen Doute — who, by the way, has been tragically missing from most of the premiere — pops into the party and tells the camera her maybe-friend should slow down.

“I do think Scheana needs to pump the brakes a little bit,” she says in a confessional. “I don’t think she’s looking for a boyfriend, I think she’s looking for another husband.”

Wait, has Kristen been dethroned as our favorite queen of crazy? That’s some sage wisdom, and her hunch was spot-on: Scheana and Rob split in October.

But this is all background noise compared to the night’s big drama: Faith, a ghost from Vanderpump Rules past, has apparently been spreading word that she hooked up with Jax after he left girlfriend Brittany Cartwright in Kentucky in their spinoff’s finale. Sweet angel Brittany had acknowledged the rough patch but seemed hopeful that she’s really reformed the bad boy bartender, especially when he mentioned he’s not ruling out starting a family.

That might happen sooner than he’d like … but more on that in a bit.

Before the gossip circulates through the soirée, Faith approaches Jax and Brittany for some friendly chit-chat. “I miss you guys!” she coos. If the rumors are true, this chick’s got (fried goat cheese) balls.

Tom Sandoval pulls Jax aside to ask if he really cheated on Brittany with Faith. Meanwhile, Faith is sitting alone in a booth, near tears, so DJ James Kennedy takes a break from laying down sick beats to comfort her … and get the scoop.

“You’re close to f—ing Jax now, so I’m scared to talk to you about this,” she tells him. But he coaxes the story out of her, and it’s a wild one: Since leaving SUR, Faith’s been working as a live-in caretaker of a 95-year-old woman. Jax reached out to her on Twitter, she says, and came to that house, where they had sex. In front of the sleeping elderly woman. Without a condom.

“He was like sucking my toes,” she recounts as James squeals. “It was a situation.”

They didn’t use protection, she says, “so I’m stressed now … I haven’t had my f—ing period, James.”

“If Faith was pregnant with Jax Taylor’s baby, I would f—ing die,” he tells the camera. “My head would explode.”

James has never been more relatable.

Jax denies the affair to Tom, but news of his alleged indiscretion spreads, eventually reaching Brittany, who promises to “go f—ing insane” if it’s true.

“If I was gonna cheat on Brittany, why would I hook up with somebody that’s in our circle?” Jax wonders to producers, who helpfully flash back to the time he slept with Kristen, twice, while dating Stassi.

Faith flees, and Kristen tries to convince her to come back inside and clear the air.

“If I found out this is true, I’m moving the f— out, I’m taking the dogs with me, and you can rot in f—ing hell,” Brittany spits at Jax.

Vanderpump Rules airs Mondays at 9 p.m. ET on Bravo.