New Contest, Old Contest and a Decent Argument Why You Should Put Something in Your Butt

Actual O-Face From "O-Face"

Even though I've been barely attentive to most of y'all (sorry!), I've been having some completely fascinating email correspondence with some among you. I'll be sharing some of it...whenever, I guess...I'm not a particularly dependable chick. But keep a look out.*

For now, here's the first one:

A Decent Argument Why You Should Put Something Up Your Butt, according to reader M from Alaska

I've been corresponding with previously mentioned M from Alaska (see also:  "OH.MY.FUCKING.GOD! Ummm…WOW!"), a recipient of a prostate vibrator under my non-Government funded Sex Toy Fairy Godmother program.

I have taken a probably unseemly interest in the vagaries of M's orgasms with the toy because I don't possess a prostate (though I do have all the symptoms of prostate cancer. #hypochondriac), plus he's super articulate about his experiences and also possibly/mainly because I'm sort of into the fact that I semi-helped some random dude have unprecedented orgasms.

Here, you can eavesdrop:

M:  It’s been awhile but just wanted to let you know that I use that toy easily 3-5 times a week. Multiple Os, better each time I use it.

For the record, when I’m using this toy my dick never gets hard nor do I ejaculate, unless of course I’m stimulating that as well.

Truly life-changing and has enriched my sex life even further.

Me, pervishly:  I am so fascinated by this. Like how did men have this capability this whole time but most of us didn’t seem to realize it?  Do the orgasms feel different than ye olde cock-based ones?

M:  Right?! I think I because of the stigma of ass play being “dirty” and “taboo,” combined w/the notion that if a man sticks something up his ass and likes it, he’s obviously gay;)

All I can say is after witnessing my wife’s reactions (shaking, tensing up, primal sounds, etc.)  to her Magic Wand and other favorite sex toys, and watching her experience orgasm after orgasm…it’s the same thing. No lie, I inserted that toy, sat down in my work chair, and rattled off at least 5 in a row as I cycled through the settings. The euphoria that lingers afterwards is absolutely incredible!

The O’s feel different but more intense (not in a bad way) w/each climax. I have on a couple occasions stroked my cock while using the toy and that orgasm is insane and does cause me to ejaculate; although the size of the load doesn’t seem any different than the traditional method(s).  If I employ that technique (stroke and vibe) I’m done after 1. 

So yeah. I really do find it absolutely fascinating that men (not all men, blah blah blah) can do this completely new thing with their bodies and most straight dudes had no idea for centuries and centuries. It's like when no one could break the 4 minute mile, then once people realized it could be done, like 1,400 have done it since. But with butts.

Anyway if you want to become thus buttally experienced as well, see also: 

New Contest!  

Prostate Tickler

In highly related news, our new advertiser Ella Paradis has offered to send one of y'all a vibrating Prostate Silicone Perineum Tickler and a bottle of Wicked Aqua Sensual Care lube because as I've typed approximately 8 billion times for Cosmopolitan, the bum is not naturally lubricating.  (And if it is--you've got a whole different thing going on.)

To win, tell me the worst thing someone said to you during sex. You can comment below or email me secretly, then I'll tell everyone like I did to poor M of Alaska. (Actually, he did consent. I'm not that much of a jerk. At least in this arena.)  I'll pick a winner by magic incantation. Deadline to enter is September 12, 2019.  

And if you wish for nothing in your butt, but want to tell me the worst thing anyone said to you during sex, I am so here for that too because I am endlessly curious/nosy.

Happy Rabbit G-Spot Vibrator

Old Contest!  

Meanwhile, the winner of the highly fuckable looking Happy Rabbit G-Spot Vibrator courtesy of dear Andy at Good Vibrations is... Markus because he entered on behalf of his wife. "Poor soul doesn't have a vibrating toy," he wrote, in the manner of a husband who knows how to please a woman. Markus:  email me your mailing address and have your  wife prepare her vaginal chambers.



Anyway, later.
xo
jill


 *If you have a subscription to the blog through Amazon's Kindle blogging things, you will be waiting forever because Amazon abruptly cancelled the program last week because they are dicks. Guess 70 PERCENT of the take wasn't enough for Jeff Bezos who, even though he looks kind of like a cute, round-headed baby and owns the Washington Post, which ain't nothing, is still pretty fucking evil.

What's Your Favorite Post? A New Contest!

What could it be?

Remember this super non-mysteriously packaged big-ass box that made my long-suffering UPS driver run away?

Well, I finally opened it and--holy fuck!--I am rich in vibrators! They're from the lovely Erica Braverman who, as you may have figured out, works at Doc Johnson--home of my favorite factory tour ever (beating out the Winston-Salem cigarette factory and the Stroh's Brewery tours of my childhood--um, it was a different time, I guess...)

My new vibrator army is from Doc's i-Vibe Select line. They're like five vibrator Superfriends, each with its own superpower like getting warm, rolling around enticingly, or doing some sort of magic "come hither' motion inside.

Erica sent me ten of these (literal) fuckers and I will share some of them with you because I am semi-generous.

I gave first dibs to reader "A," who has faithfully given a small donation every month to the blog for years. She opted for the iBend, explaining "I've been wanting something softer. Because nothing says 'do me' like a touch of flaccidity."

I gave second dibs to me and grabbed an iCome, mostly because it was called iCome. I tried it out, for you/journalism and such, and I will say that once you turn it on, there is no "getting in the mood" part, you are immediately just fucking in it, man, and kind of helplessly impaled on it while it wrecks you via deep throbby bass notes. We will so be having a second date.

The Contest Rules: 

1. Tell me what your favorite IBWMW post is. You can tell me via Twitter, a comment below, the Facebook page or, like most of you pussies generally opt for, a discreet email. I'm asking for your favorites because I'm compiling some for a book (whee!) and you are the smartest person I know.

2.  Pick one of the vibrators you'd like to put in/on your wherever. If you aren't picky and don't require a semi-flacid lover like A, you can list a few choices. (If you are a Kindle subscriber, lmk and I'll give you two entries.) 
3.  I'll notify the winners October 11 privately so everyone's not knowing your business.

The Prizes! (I sort of just cut and pasted and vaguely edited the product descriptions so be forewarned):

The Vibrator Superfriends confronting their shadow selves

iCome has a clitoral stimulator w/ a special ‘rolling’ mode that "creates a unique undulating movement on the clitoris for incredible pleasure." It has two ultra-powerful independently controlled motors. [Yes. So much so.]

The iWand offers a gentle warming mode that slowly heats the silicone wand head to a pleasurable, body-safe temperature. It can be used with both the warming and vibrating modes active, or either one.

The iRipple has three separate ultra-powerful motors placed along the shaft to create an endless variety of vibration patterns that can span across all three motors, including a rolling effect up and down the shaft.

The iRock features a curved shaft that not only vibrates, but also flexes back and forth in a ‘come hither’ motion for G-spot pleasure.

The iBend is a powerful, seven-function massager you can bend however you damn well please for  both internal and external stimulation.

*****

In other superheroic news: Do you mind heading over and voting for IBWMW in Kinkly's Sex Blogging Superheroes Contest?  Just go to this link and press "click here to vote!" I need at least five votes by October 9 to even be considered. (Last year IBWMW was 8th out of 100 despite not even telling you about it. Thanks mystery voters!)  It literally takes less than 15 seconds and will be the second best thing in my day, the first being, of course, my earlier rendezvous with the swag.

 xoxo
 jill

Pick Your Prize--New Contest!

I was dog sitting at a friend's house recently and--to make a short story shorter--I found their dog chewing up my favorite vibrator.

Don't worry. The dog is fine, the arousing effects apparently greatly lessened when you eat the vibrator instead of using as directed. And all is well with the owners too, mostly because I didn't actually tell them what had gone down on my watch. I figured my post about a dog performing surprise fellatio on my big ol' fake dick had served as a blanket warning to anyone who might desire my dog sitting services.

So all that's good. I mean, as these things go.

But the vibrator--my very very favorite, the Ohmibod Cuddle Minij--was done. A mangled reminder of its former sexy self, like Mickey Rourke, but smaller and more vibrator-shaped.

Suki, who works at Ohmibod, kindly sent me a new Mini, along with a lovely handwritten note that said,  "Keep this one away from the dog." Which is good advice for anyone. And guess what? I GOT ONE FOR YOU TOO! One of you, at least.

And...as long as I'm giving that away, I'm throwing in a few more prizes because I'm a socialist. Some of 'em are good, some kinda meh. All are unused--only the very finest for you, gentle reader!

So--ta-da!--here are the prizes, one of which may or may not be coming your way. (And yes, some are more like "prizes," but piss off, they're free.)

Yum

1. The Ohmibod Cuddle Mini, a strong-ass G-spot vibe with deep, throbby vibrations. Completely delicious--in the sexual sense, but also quite literally delicious to certain pervy dogs who could have had a perfectly normal non-G-spot-flavored dog treat had they just waited a minute.

2. Thai Jelly Anal Beads. Kinda sketchy, probably not remotely Thai, but "Jumbo!"

3.  A pair of Lolos pasties from Germany. Black with a pierced nipple area that you're supposed to wear in place of a proper shirt. Box suggests "casual for the day, sporty for the beach..." but I'm a hard no on both scenarios.

4. Fin (vibrator for fingers). A high-end vibe that makes your fingers magical on yourself or others.

Fin again

5. A deck of Talk to Me cards, "52 intimate questions to spark your relationship" which, near as I can tell, are ideal for alerting your significant other that they need to break up with you at once.

The Rules
--Tell me which prize (or "prize") you want in a comment below, on the IBWMW Facebook page, or on my Twitter if you can wade through the months of tweets where I'm freaking the fuck out about politics. (If you don't want anyone to know that you've even entered such a filthy filthy contest, send your entry from your undisclosed location to [email protected].)
--Tell me what your favorite sex toy ever is/was. This is unrelated to the contest--I'm just super nosy.
--Results Wednesday, September 6. (Fear not, I won't reveal your name.)
--I'll pay to mail it to you, but if you live in another country or are just an appreciative reader who is rich and foolish with your money, feel free to make a donation via that big DONATE button in the right margin.

Yours,
jill

PS Thanks for all the delightful mail you've been sending! I will tend to you. Please take a number and sit down.

(If you order something through one of the links, the blog gets a kickback, but no one's paying me to show their stuff, particularly not the jumbo anal bead factory because they would so not be getting their money's worth)

The Best Sex Ever Contest!

This, alas, is not the prize.

I've been thinking on what amazing sex really is.  For me, it's not about positions (shh!) or anything like that, but elements both subtle and sublime. It's seeing or feeling raw desire and being willing to follow that whether it takes you. It's fleetings moment of incredibly deep connection, like when you look in someone's eyes as they slide inside you and you think you see the universe there. (More likely just dilated pupils due to arousal, but still. Allow me my poetry.)

For me, the best sex is also about filling up the hole inside. Not the obvious one, though that goes a long way toward doing the trick, but more the metaphorical hole. The one where you don't feel quite whole or at peace. Some people fill it with God, but my brain didn't come equipped with those religious receptors, so my God hole is more like a sex hole. Which sounds plenty dirty, not to mention probably highly blasphemous.

In discussing the "problems" of sex in How to Think More About Sex, School of Life co-founder/semi-depressive Brit Alain de Botton writes, "Great sex, like happiness more generally, may be the precious and sublime exception. During our most fortunate encounters, it is rare for us to appreciate how privileged we are. It is only as we get older, and look back repeatedly and nostalgically to a few erotic episodes, that we start to realize with what stinginess nature extends her gifts to us--and therefore what an extraordinary and rare achievement of biology, psychology and timing satisfying sex really is."

Most sex, then, is just about filling your regular old biological holes. And as it happens, I have something for you today that does just that. That is:

The Best Sex Ever Contest
Your task: Tell me what your best sex ever was and why. You can write a big ol porny essay that may or may not gross me out or just a sentence like "the look on his face the first time I put my mouth on him" or whatever. Winning entries won't be chosen on "quality" (we're all different), but just chosen by a random drawing.

Your (Possible) Prize
Two choices!
--A Helix Syn, a hands-free prostate/male G-spot massager, courtesy of Aneros, who kindly sent me two of them. It's a training tool to encourage super deep prostate orgasms. It's like an $80 value and looks like this:

Hello, Sailor

--An Aneros Evi, the female counterpart that is a hands-free g-spot/clitoral stimulator. Again, battery free and you squeeze around it--kind of an exercise, kind of a way to get off. The idea is strengthening your responsiveness rather that just blasting your nether regions with vibrations. It's about $55 and looks like this:

Put me in your God hole

How to Enter
Send me your best sex ever and tell me which prize you're gunning for via comment below or super secret email to [email protected]. If you do send me something via email that's good and doesn't skeeve me out, I may post it, but I will give you a pseudonym so no one knows you really really liked it that one time someone put a wee bonnet on you and called you a filthy little whore. Get your entries in by April 12, 2017.

Bonus
You'll get an extra entry for sharing this contest on social media or just telling someone via old school conversation. Just let me know, and I'll put you in extra.

So get thinking about your best sex ever, as though you weren't already doing that, and enter and share.

Love you. Not in a creepy way.*

xoxox
jill

*possibly in a creepy way


(photo:  the dreamy Pinterest of Wendy Rose Watson)

The Results of the Big-Ass Giveaway!

Early prototype of the blow job machine

I'm back from the United States Post Office where I was mailing unspeakably smutty packages to readers around the globe. If you did not get an email from me saying you won something in The Big-Ass Giveaway, you indeed didn't win. Sorry, I totally wish you did.

I'm especially sorry to the many many readers who wanted that blow job machine--some of you are my favorite readers of all times! In a fair world, your dick and/or the dick of someone you love would be getting sucked off by an oddly loud and large-sized machine at this very minute. This very minute!

But fear not, I still have more stuff that I'll give away at some point, like a pair of jeweled pasties I can't see ever using ("I'll save these in case there's an earthquake and all my regular clothes are destroyed.")

I also have lots of stuff--sadly, used only one (also: used only once sadly)--which I guess I'm gonna have to send to one of those sex toy recycling places because I don't want to have super embarrassing garbage. First to go is going to be an abusive Sqweel "oral sex massager" I tested which I'm quite fucking sure I'll never press between my legs ever again. The heinous toy was like a windmill of angry chihuahua tongues, striking a delicate body part with a surprising amount of loud whirring fury. I completely agree with Michelle's succinct Amazon review "It horrible."

We are never ever ever getting back together.

Anyway, the best part of the giveaway was hearing from so many readers and remembering how smart and cool you all are. A delightful new reader Steve (delightful due to both his penchant for flattery and using that rusty old donation button there at the right) noted your greatness straightaway writing, "This is perhaps the best blog I have ever followed, as not only do we get a warm, thoughtful, intelligent, (insert other positive adjectives here) exposition of a very smart lady's thoughts, but she has created a space that has attracted a number of amazingly smart, generous, witty followers." Steve also awarded himself an IBWMW ministerial position, Minister of Music (it was part of a larger metaphor), which is fine with me. At IBWMW, as in many places, you can totally buy yourself a title.

Also I have to admit that the contest wasn't truly fair. I vetoed anyone who seemed creepy. (If you did win, I suppose you passed that particular test. For now. Although if you didn't win, it does not necessarily follow that you were deemed creepy. I could make a Venn diagram for you on the matter, but lack the graphic design savvy of even a MacPaint-using citizen of 1994). I also unfairly let Trisha, a bad-ass blogger, filmmaker and FOB, win the vintage Hustler due to this entry:

I want the vintage Hustler sooooooo bad. I will both do good orgasm-equality, feminist work with it by SSL reviewing it from cover to cover in a very special IBWMW-won Vintage Hustler Review Series for my blog, and I will also masturbate to it, because that's the kind of person I am. 

And as long as I'm confessing, I also would probably have given the cute guy who wrote to me on Facebook pretty much whatever he wanted, but he neglected to ask.  

And several of you inquired about my whereabouts lately, a few offering theories. My favorite was that I was off seeing someone, too overcome with ravishment via gorgeous cock, I suppose, to crawl over to the computer and type a few words. The truth is that I've been busy spending whatever writing brain I have on projects that pay better than you, like:

--writing sex position tips for Cosmo
--an oral sex story for Cosmopolitan magazine that's not out yet (super fun, but with the extreme space/word count limits of old-school print, it was kind of like writing some sort of weird BJ-themed haiku.)
--an interview with Jami Rodman, former elite escort and Las Vegas Madam for AlterNet
--stuff for a family magazine, who I won't link to so as not to besmirch them with my sexed-up traffic.

I was also enjoying some abject depression, possibly due to writing things that don't have to do with you and/or the notable absence of work-ruining gorgeous cock ravishment.

xoxox
jill

PS. Giveaway feel free to report back your findings re: your prize. Even if "it horrible." 

Big Ass Giveaway! (Note: Not Giving Away Actual Big Ass. This Time.)

I AM GIVING AWAY A BUNCH OF FREE SEX STUFF. 

Yes, I am rich in sexy items and wanted to share some with you, in some sort of fucked up way of saying Thank You.

So, like Eminem, I'm Cleanin' Out My Closet, but finding sex toys instead of psychological damage. (Oh, there's plenty of that back there, too. I'm not completely deluded. Just didn't seem like that fun of a prize.)

Here's what I have for you today. (For the record, I don't get any kickbacks or anything for these, I just like sex and am super thrifty--a delightful combination. I can't stand that these would be going unenjoyed, like lonely little residents of the Island of Misfit Sex Toys.)

1.  Autoblow 2

This is a pretty major blow job machine. Kind of like a really big fleshlight, but it plugs in and does all the work itself.  Comes with a "B" size insert, so I suppose you or your lover should have a B-sized wiener (as opposed to A or C). Generally costs, like, $160 bucks.


2.  Slaphappy Bendable Couples Vibe

The Autoblow people gave me an extra one of these as well (again, don't worry, it's a different one!) and I love it. It's a nice, pretty strong vibe, though I don't get the aspect that it's also supposedly a G-Spot vibe. It's pretty damn wide and I was not gonna put that thing inside of me. Also can be pressed into service, as it were, on a guy during general fuckery or hand/blow jobs.

 3.  Wicked Awaken

A "stimulating clitoral massaging gel." It's vegan, and herbaly, is created "to heighten sensitivity and enhance libido." That sounds good, yes?





 4. Fill Me In:  Adult Colouring

A groovy Adult Colouring Book created by a super cool, sex positive chick named Sarah who is British and wastes extra "U"s like they're free. Also included is a greeting card with the image there at left and a colourable desk calendar which is now only semi-usable seeing that it's already March. (My fault).  Love her and want to support the fuck out of her.

5.  PrimalDerma
 

PrimalDerma is skincare lotion/goo/slipperyness that's made from beef tallow. Which sounds kind of gross, but actually is kind of a non-issue in any ways that you'd suspect. I have been rubbed down with this stuff and it was pretty fucking amazing. It's slidey, but absorbs into your skin insanely well, so you can have your way with it in a variety of ways.

I actually have more stuff: a "jumbo" butt plug, a vintage issue of Hustler and such, but I grow weary with you now.

Let me know what you want* and we'll get this started, motherfuckers.

xoxox
jill

*Contest Rules:  Tell me which one(s) you want, in the comments below or via email at [email protected]. I'll pick a random winner for each thing. I'll even ship that $%#@ to your door at my expense. And I won't even be a child and write what's inside in huge letters on the outside of the box. Deadline is March 18. 

In return, perhaps you could do a solid for the blog:

--Like the IBWMW Facebook page or like a post or two there.
--Follow on Twitter.
--Share a post, this contest, or tell someone about the blog.
--Mention the blog in your prayer group.
--Fantasize about the blog during a private moment.

Bad Erotica All Over The Damn Place, Plus a Contest!

Still love him.

Today's story on weird-ass erotica was killed by an editor's editor who found it "too weird." Which to me is not a thing. Sort of like the sentence, "That's ok--I've had enough."  I'm running my reject here for you, even though it actually doesn't seem quite weird enough by the rather high standards of weirdness we've developed over the years. 

So to sweeten the deal, I'm adding a contest. Send in a link to the very worst erotica you can find. You can comment below or use ye olde email ([email protected]). Deadline is January 22, so you have plenty of time to look around, then set fire to your search history.  Winner will be the entry I deem the best worst erotica, as determined by a ridiculously unfair and unfathomable system based on funniness, personal taste and the ancient Mayan calendar. 

The lucky winner will, one day in the very near future, walk out to their mailbox and be shocked to find a discreetly packaged Cadet Dildo courtesy of Good Vibrations lurking within. It might be a vibrating version of the Cadet or not. We still haven't worked out the details on that part, but it will for sure look like a dick (in one of three colors!) and I think that is an important feature of a pretend penis. That's $42-80 of penis-shaped silicone that's pretty damn perfect for all your pegging needs!

Yes, we ARE happy to see you

In the meantime, I'm also pleased to inform you that dear sullen Morrissey was the recipient (winner, perhaps is too strong a word here) of this year's Literary Review's Bad Sex in Fiction Award. The judges were particularly swayed by this passage from Morrissey's List of the Lost which certainly lends credence to his assertion that he's asexual. 

"At this, Eliza and Ezra rolled together into the one giggling snowball of full-figured copulation, screaming and shouting as they playfully bit and pulled at each other in a dangerous and clamorous rollercoaster coil of sexually violent rotation with Eliza’s breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra’s howling mouth and the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation extenuating his excitement as it whacked and smacked its way into every muscle of Eliza’s body except for the otherwise central zone"

Anyway, here's the too weird/not weird enough article. And don't forget to enter the contest. That dildo could soon inside you or inside an orifice of someone you love! Or at least someone you like well enough to feel comfortable sticking a fake penis (in one of three colors) in one of their holes.

Fuck, I've missed you.

 xoxoxxo

 jill 

******

 7 Least Appealing Objects of Desire in Erotica

We are truly in a golden age of erotica. Maybe not quality-wise, necessarily, but in quantity—we've got it covered. Anyone or anything that is even vaguely fuckable has fanfic or a cheapo Amazon book featuring their heaving bosom and/or throbbing manhood and/or whatever spiky thing they have in their loins. Within seconds you can access smut featuring Santa Claus, Dobby the House Elf or a pterodactyl “who might have carnal pleasures in mind.” (Sure, some of it's meant to be funny/parody stuff, but, well....there's sure a lot of it. There's clearly something else going on here*--like how vehemently anti-gay politicians seem to spend a whole lot of time talking about gay dudes.)

Here then are erotica's 7 Least Appealing Objects of Desire.

--Not Obviously Sexy Celebrities!

Celebrities who rarely make anyone's freebie list finally get to throb with desire in stories like The Audition in which a hopeful contestant walks into Pat Sajak's (!) office and “is shocked to see Pat Sajak with his pants on the ground and one hell of a hard-on.” As one would be. Other erotic fodder includes the “Happy Days” cast, Ray Romano, Beavis and Butthead, and Mowgli and the Village Girl from “Jungle Book” (who, apparently, also have balloon fetishes. Because Mowgli/Village Girl erotica wasn't quite specific enough.)

Best/worst sentence (from The Audition): “Pat uses each hole well, like the proverbial gopher popping in and out of Vanna and Lila’s boxes.”

What Was Your Formative Smut?

"Is it okay if the girls watch 'Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt'"? my friend texted pre-kid sleepover.

Considering my 13 year old had just seen the majority of the Louie episode where Louis CK ends up in a sex toy store, yeah, Kimmy was fine. (In my defense, I kept thinking the Louie ep was somehow gonna become more appropriate, like, any second. This, despite the fact that the characters were talking about vibrators and it was Louis CK, for fuck's sake. #MagicalThinking)

"I was reading Harold Robbins, Jackie Collins and Xaviera Hollander at their age," noted my friend. "The basement bookshelf was where my mom kept all the smutty books. The Story of O. Lady Chatterley's Lover. Portnoy's Complaint. I spent entire summers down there. She. Had. No. Idea."

You see, my pretties, back before the Internet, when you wanted sexual information, you had to cobble together what you could. It involved a combination of covert reading sessions in back aisles of book stores, excavations under the beds of pervy neighborhood dads (that is, all dads) and checking out the bookshelves of your parents' more free-thinking friends. My own sex ed was an unwieldy mash-up of:

--Sidney Sheldon novels
--Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex: But Were Afraid to Ask
--Where Did I Come From? in which 1977-era cartoon grown ups offer mildly helpful/icky information such as "The man pushes his penis up and down in the woman's vagina, so that both the tickly parts are being rubbed against each other. It's like scratching an itch but a lot nicer."
 --Fear of Flying
--Playboy, Penthouse and the rare Hustler
--The Sensuous Woman by "J"  (at the time her advice on giving proper head and the like was apparently so scandalous she couldn't even use her whole name.)
 --National Geographics (there is no such thing as a single issue of National Geographic--they travel only in packs) for boobic studies.

And yes, Xaviera Hollander, aka The Happy Hooker How strange to realize I'd gotten a ton of my sexual information from a hooker. A happy one, but still.

I studied these books like the Quran, looking for clues on how to behave once naked with another--and to figure out what the hell words like "necking" and "petting" meant. (Actually that's probably not what people are studying the Quran for.) My furtive peeks at these books, for better or worse, shaped my sexual worldview and informs my life even today. (Thank you, "J," you little hussy, for the "silken swirl.")

So yeah, was it the same for you? What was your formative smut? Where'd you find it? What did you learn?  Did any salient passages stick with you to guide your later sexual self? 

Here's the contest part: 

To enter, tell me what your formative smut was. That's it! From among your answers, I'll pick a winner, semi-randomly, depending on the vagaries of my mood. Deadline is Wednesday, May 27. [edit:  contest has ended. To see winner, click here.] You can comment below, use the comment form at right, or email me at [email protected].

The winner gets a choice of:

-- a $50 gift certificates to Good Vibrations, fine purveyors of sex toys.

OR

--a Pearly Waterproof Rechargeable Silicone Vibrator ($100 value) also donated by Good Vibrations.

"So....wanna fuck?"

Sex Museums!
My story "9 Amazing Sex Museums That'll Blow Your Mind" is running on AlterNet, featuring the highly important information that at NYC's Museum of Sex, there's an G-spot exhibit that's a Hall of Mirrors Maze. If you find your way to the spot, you can move your hands around to play the theremin. Which is genius.

Donations!

"I had to donate! Otherwise I was just exploiting your blog for sex," Phebie wrote, sending money I plan to blow on household electricity. Thank you, Phebie!

"It's about time I paid a subscription fee for the wonderfulness that is you delivered straight to my inbox!" wrote Ada, who signed up via PayPal to make automatic monthly donations, thus forcing me to change the honorary title for Robert, formerly IBWMW Minister of Being the Blog's Only Patron.

To Phebie, Ada, Robert, all those who've donated before, plus anyone who shares posts (like Juanita, who bravely shares practically every post, even the ones with unseemly words like "VAGINA" in the title) and the tons of people who provide smart/funny/deep comments, you keep me out of the Pit of Despair and more like Pit of Despair Adjacent, which is a much nicer area.

Now go think of your formative smut and write me back.

xoxo
jill

(Photo source)

The Unsexy Sexting/Sexy Talk Contest and Other Poorly Worded Things

The other day I was in the dressing room at Kohl's when I heard a odd shuffling from the next room.

It was a guy and a girl fucking--right there in the lingerie department dressing room.

"Oh God, I am going crazy," the guy whispered with a feral desperate lust, to the sound of bodies and clothes being undone/pushed up/pulled down to get better access to each other. Hot.

"Fuck yeah," said the chick in a tinny voice. "Fuck yeah."

"Fuck yeah"?  Ugh. So...trite and porny.

That she said "Fuck yeah" totally ruined it for me, which is lame and judgey but there you go.  Maybe it's because I'm a writer or maybe because I'm female*, but to me, the things that are said during sex are hugely important.

Words are even more important during sexting 'cause it's all words. Wrong stuff just sits there being wrong. And autocorrect just fucks with things even more. Autocorrect can turn a sexting-appropriate response of "Oh God, mmm...." into an upsetting-to-all "Oh God, mom..." 

Several weeks back, I asked the 1,164 good citizens of the IBWMW Facebook page for some examples of bad sexting, as well as bad sex talk in general, and got stories of "precum" becoming "precinct" (usage: "I want to lick your precinct") "ass" becoming "assistant" (i.e. "I am grabbing your sweet assistant, hard") and the like.

Of course, some of it's just personal preference--one person's hot talk is another person's passion destroyer. Once in high school, a guy was trying to get me to take off my shirt and instead of just saying that--hell, it might have worked--he asked me if I wanted to try something called--puke!--"smurfing," which near as I could gather, had nothing to do with Smurfs (thankfully)** and everything to do with me taking off my shirt.

Here are some more:

Quentin:  I wanted to say, "I would love to see you when I am in town."  Instead it came over, "I would love to fuck you while I am in town." Needless to say, that coming from this gay man, to an older straight friend was quite shocking!!

Mark: "I'm pregnant, you're the father, and I'm gonna kill all three of us!" ....She was quite a lady...

Claudette: I was about to give him a blowjob and he said, "Suck it like it's the last cock on Earth."

Jane:  I once typed a very graphic and rather perverted text to my (then) boyfriend Neil and promptly sent it to a work colleague called Neina....Actually that would be a better answer if the question was "Have you ever sent a text and then shouted NOOOOOOOO at your phone?"

Hey, get to the contest part, lady.

Okay fine, send in your worst sex talk and sexting fails and you will be entered to win this fine
Butterfly Bliss Silicone Waterproof Vibrator courtesy of Good Vibrations.  Winner will be determined by the vagaries of my whims. Deadline is, let's say, Friday, November 8. Enter via comment below, the IBWMW Facebook page, comment form at right or email.

xoxox
jill

*There is some evidence that it could be a chick thing. Females are more subject to distraction during sex. According to Kinsey:

Cheese crumbs spread in front of a pair of copulating rats may distract the female, but not the male.  A mouse running in front of a pair of copulating cats may distract the female and not the male. When cattle are interrupted during coitus, it is the cow that is more likely to be disturbed while the bull may try to continue with coitus. (Note: The word "coitus," btw, should never be used during coitus. Or maybe ever.)

** The separation of Smurfs and sex is a personal decision for me, and not one shared by everyone--as evidenced by this fan fiction "Smurfette's Springtime Encounter" which contains the following verbatim passage:

Tenderly, Rina reached up parting Smurfette’s hairy vagina lips. She could see a little pink bump at the top as Gargamel said. This caused the bound blonde Smurf to protest more, and try to wiggle her hips in hope to shake off Rina’s hand. Rina leaned forward with her tongue out placing it on the moist pink nub. There was a salty tang that wasn’t bad. She proceeded to move her tongue tip lightly over Smurfette’s clitoris. Smurfette’s pubic hair was course on her tongue.

(Photo via Passionate Sexual Healing)

Contest! Win a velvety twirly vibrator! Just answer an unanswerable question!

Your challenge:

Is Beauty Hole Ass Vagina with Egg Vibrating an ass....or a vagina? Explain. There is no right or wrong answer when it comes to Beauty Hole Ass Vagina with Egg Vibrating.

As you may recall, we know that its package contains "1x big ass" so that might provide a clue. On the other hand, we also learned that it boasts "the feeline of mridens's skin" which tells us...um, well, that's for you to decide.

Winner, as chosen by the vagaries of my ever-changing whims, will be announced Tuesday, May 28, 2013.

The prize:

Formal portrait of purple Pirouette with blue friend

This fabulous Pirouette Waterproof Vibrator from the sexually empowered folk at Good Vibrations, who maybe will continue to give us free stuff if some of y'all get your butts and other toy-needing orifices over there and buy something.

Here's Pirouette's blurb:
Offering a new twist on vibration stimulation, this waterproof vibe features a spiraling shaft, creating a contoured surface to add a textural element to penetration play. The super-smooth velvety exterior feels sensationally soft against the skin while the simple dial control lets you adjust the intensity to suit your sensual needs.

Sounds good, yes?

So get your brain on this:  Ass? Or vagina? Ass? Or vagina?

xoxo
jill

P.S. In Bed With Married Women is now the top rated humor blog for Amazon Kindle--thanks to YOU! Which translates not to highest sales. That would go to a blog called "Joke of the Day," perhaps because it's incredibly hard to unsubscribe from. Here's a review of Joke of the Day:

"it was terrible and it comes up EVERYDAY on your homescreen. i suggest NOT to buy this blog. for one reason it is a waist of money on this silly blog and my other reason is because, the jokes are inappropriate and have NO funny part of them.

Exactly! Don't waist your money on silly things with no funny part of them, switch to IBWMW today.


(photo)

Contest: Write a Six-Word Sexual Memoir

6 words: See-though partner kinda freaking me out.

Now that we've mastered the delicate art of bad erotic haiku, we now move onto the Six-Word Memoir. The six-word memoir was popularized by Smith Magazine spurred by a challenge Hemingway was reportedly given to tell a story in six words. He wrote: "For sale: baby shoes, never worn." (Although since Hemingway was known to leave his stories at a good stopping point so he'd be inspired the next day, perhaps the first day's draft read: "For sale: baby shoes, never...")  I told my 11-year-old about the six-word stories and she went off to her room, coming back with "Party after war--no one came." 

So yes, you can go all dark like Papa and my dear daughter, or you can take it whatever direction you'd like. My instructions are just this: write your sexual memoir in just six words.

The winner, chosen randomly, because who the fuck am I to judge your Art, man, will be announced Tuesday March 19.

The prize is this Play-Doh-looking Butterfly Bliss Silicone Waterproof Vibrator courtesy of Good Vibrations. This g-spot intensive, plus outer stimulation set-up, according to my sex toy-selling friend, is good. Damn good. So you might wanna work for this one. Or if you'd rather just buy your way into it, click here.

Leave entries below as a comment or drop me a line at: [email protected].

xoxox
jill

(photo source: Lady Cheeky)

Instant-ish Karma Contest

Early remote control vibes were unweldly

In Bed With Married Women has hit well over half a million page views, which is great--even though maybe 100,000 or so are from people like... the dear Canadian who Googled "Barbie beds in Hamilton" and instead of getting a nice kids' furniture store in Hamilton, Ontario, got my post about some dude sticking a stack of Barbie doll heads up his butt.

And in the past couple of days, some of you lovely souls have bought stuff through Amazon, Good Vibrations or shelled out for a Kindle subscription.  So I'm happy--or at least as happy as I can be on my new, only marginally effective, generic Lexapro.

In this state of sort of/almost happiness, I am moved to do something for you. Something I do best, which is give sex toys to random people online. Which, luckily, is exactly the career choice What Color Is Your Parachute? recommended for me.

Today's offering is the bNaughty Unleashed Premium Wireless Bullet Vibrator from Good Vibrations. Best of all:  Remote. Controlled. Which is completely hot.

Oh, I'll press it again. If you beg.

A $69 value, here's the blurb:

This ingenious and quiet little vibe is perfect for naughty partner play! Hand over the remote (which will work up to 20' away when the batteries are fresh), tuck the velvety soft-finish waterproof bullet somewhere sensitive, and wait for unexpected (or carefully negotiated) fun to begin! The remote's backlit screen shows which of the ten different functions -- from different vibration intensities to oscillation and pulsation settings -- is currently working its magic.

(There was also a bit in there about not sticking it up your butt and "a cord for retrieval when used vaginally," but the whole idea of remote controlled butts and heroic vaginal rescues seemed like it might "ruin the mood.")

Anyway to enter, do something nice for In Bed With Married Women--go to the right margin and donate, buy some Amazon thing or get a big honking vibrator from Good Vibrations (Jesus, look at this one.) If you're cash poor, but rich in friends and $6.99 bottles of generic Lexapro (I hear ya), then you could recommend a post on Facebook or pass a note to a friend in class or something. Whatever you want! I won't even check because that's how much I trust your ass, Dear Internet Stranger.

To let me know you have indeed entered and do--dammit!--want that Wireless Vibe up your wang or the wang of someone you love, leave a comment below. You can tell us what act of IBWMW boosterism you did, or not. I'm not the boss of you. And if you're shy,  send me an email.

xoxox
jill

ps Jennifer M. asked on the IBWMW Facebook page how the Amazon, and Good Vibes ordering works. If you order something using a link on this page, I get a cut. However, I DO NOT see who is ordering what or anything. So, if you want to stock up on all your Santa fetish gear and accompanying erotica, I will be none the wiser. So go to fucking town.

pss Winner announced Monday.

Misguided Googler Contest, Plus G-Spot Finding

As decreed on the In Bed With Married Women Facebook page, I'm compiling a list of reading materials referenced on the blog. Said materials (mentioned by me or readers) will include plain ol' smut to smarty-pants sciencey/sociological things to stuff that's funny. (And do let me know if you have any recommendations.)

Anyway the task is way more arduous than I was expecting and the kid I hired as IBWMW Minister of Arduous Tasks didn't show up for work today, so I'm gonna need more time.

To make up for my trail of broken promises (I swear, kid, we're gonna make it big someday!), I offer you this contest. Your task:

Match the Misguided Googler's search terms with the IBWMW post Google sent them to.

Search Terms (as spelled)
1.  "is it ok to fuck married women in ass"
2.  "why married women deire anal pleasure with vibrators"
3.  "picture ofpenise in vegina"
4.  "grateful old slags getting screwed" (IBWMW is the #3 choice for this, btw. Which is bittersweet.)
5.  "sex porno sperm from mouth to your vintage"

Google-suggested IBWMW landing page:
a. The Fuckiest Conest Around
b. The IBWMW home page
c. Spatula, I'm taking your ass down."
d. How Wanking It Created the Universe and Other Theories on Masturbation
e. Sorry, No Explicit Picture of Penis in Vagina

First one to correctly match the search terms with the landing page wins The Pop Tops Deluxe Silicon G-spotter from Good Vibrations. It's designed to go on top of the infamous Hitachi Magic Wand Massager  (you rest the flattened end pleasantly against your G-spot). So if you don't have a Hitachi Magic Wand, you're kinda out of luck--in many ways, or so I've heard. Lack of G-spot* could present a problem as well. (If you prefer, I can send you the huge-ass bag of 20 Lifestyles condoms Planned Parenthood recently gave me, clearly way way overestimating the amount of sex I would be having in the 7 days it would take my new IUD to become effective.)

You can answer in a comment below or via email. I'll announce the winner when someone gets it right.

xoxo
jill

*To get my mind off the suddenly very depressing fact that I didn't use the 20 condoms, and even perhaps even need to go back and demand more at once ("Only 20 for 7 days? Seriously?"), let me ask you this: Did you read any stories about that largely discredited "cosmetic gynecologist" (puke) who claims to have discovered the G-spot in the corpse of an 83 year old Polish woman? On one hand, I was happy that he described the spot as "grape-like" instead the usual "shaped like a bean" description since, as you recall, the bean is the least sexy of the legumes. (see also:  How to Have a G-Spot Orgasm).

But on the other hand, I couldn't help but wonder if that Polish woman was having that out-of-body death experience where her soul floats over her body. As she headed peacefully to the light, did she take one last glimpse back upon her earthly self and see this, this...guy, what? What the...? Was he sticking his fingers up her wang?!** What, after all these years?  Now? NOW, someone looks for her g-spot? And a handsome(ish) doctor, no less? "No, no, not ready yet! There is more I must do!" she yells wordlessly, as she glides, no longer so peacefully, toward the warm, glowing light.

** Actually it was a billion times less sexy than this. According the Miami Herald, he "peeled back the six layers of the cadaver's vaginal wall and found a sac structure between the fifth and sixth layers that housed grape-like clusters of erectile tissue." "Peeled!" Holy crap!

(photo: Anonyme - Nu aux bras levés, ca. 1930) 

The Fuckiest Contest Around

We learned a new word over at the IBWMW Facebook page yesterday:  "fuckiest."

It was given to us by a Misguided Googler®* searching for "fuckiest woman." "'Fuckiest' is instantly my new favorite superlative adjective," commented Suzanne.

Agreed! Though I'm not sure about usage. If someone says, "That was the fuckiest thing you ever did," is that, like, good? Bad?

"Absolutely," wrote Brad, sagely.

And that's what makes fuckiest so great. It doesn't actually mean anything, but, damn, you sure sound like you feel quite strongly about...whatever it is. Fuckiest takes its meaning from its context. Like a word version of tofu, but a really kick-ass tofu.

Which brings us to today's contest.  Your challenge:

Use the word "fuckiest" in a sentence. 

The prize is the lovely Midnight Desire Pleasure Wand Vibrator (shown in the photo) from our benevolent corporate overlords at Good Vibrations. (You can also just buy it yourself if you're not a gamblin' type.)

Here are the technical specs, if you're picky about what you stick up your wang.

Get ready to conjure up sensational sensuality with the Midnight Desire Pleasure Wand Vibrator. This bewitching blue beauty is a mini-sized wand style vibrator that packs a powerful pleasure punch. The flexible head bends in every direction to facilitate proper positioning while the powerful Japanese-made motor cycles this vibe through three levels of intensity and three vibration patterns. Similar to the popular Mystic Mini vibe, the Midnight Desire is battery-powered, splash proof and suited to shallow submersion in up to approximately 3 feet of water, making it a charming travel companion. A pretty pouch is included for storage at home or on the go. For an absolutely enchanting erotic experience, the Midnight Desire will have you spellbound.

Midnight Desire Pleasure Wand Vibrator
Silicone and ABS
6” x 1 ¼” diameter (15.24 cm x 3.17 cm diameter)
Uses two AAA batteries, not included
Volume: 3, Intensity: 4

So yes, not only is it a $49 value, but you can also submerge it under 3 feet of water, if you're subjected to flooding conditions while aroused.

Drawing is Saturday, March 17. Fuckiest sentence wins. Whatever that means.

xoxox
jill

*My other fave Misguided Googler® of yesterday: "You should fuck the robot." Which, I just decided, is going to be the chorus of the first death metal song I write. It'll be blah, blah, verse expressing sentiments of angst and whatnot...  then I'll yell hoarsely, "You should FUCK THE ROBOT!"