As-Live Tasting: Kernel Suke Quto Coffee IPA

9.00pm: And relax! Long day: up early, writing, work, gym, dinner, shower. Now to drink beer. 

9.01pm: My mind’s doing summersaults and my fingertips are eager to tap at a keyboard and do the stream of consciousness thing so it's As-Live blogging time. Think and sip and tap and drink.

9.02pm: The Kernel’s Suke Quto Coffee IPA. 6.9% ABV. This is batch 2 and another collaboration with Square Mile Coffee Roasters. It smells ridiculously good. The beer’s beneath my nose. I’m stooping over and around it to try and type but I don’t want it to move away.

9.04pm: And then as if by magic the aroma moves. It goes from super citrus, all hops up in your face, through chocolate and then into a mix of those dark coffee grounds and tropical fruit. Coffee: check. Hops: check. It's a Coffee IPA.

9.05pm: Still smelling the beer.

9.06pm: Gulping beer.

9.07pm: Wow. This is different! Coffee and hops and booze. It’s exactly what I need right now. The body is classic Kernel, smooth and full (how do they do that?!), there’s toffee sweetness, then coffee roast, then hop fruitiness, then hop bitterness, then coffee bitterness, which is the lingering aftertaste. It’s a beer which drinks more sequentially than any other I’ve ever tasted.

9.09pm: Answering emails... 

9.14pm: I’m loving the chocolatey depth in this beer. I often get chocolate flavours in IPA but this something else. Where does that chocolate flavour come from in IPAs?

9.15pm: I need to iron a shirt. Tomorrow I’ve got to do a presentation in London at 8am. Who organises presentations at 8am? One day I’ll have someone who will do my ironing for me. Either that or the sort of job where I don’t need to wear a shirt.

9.22pm: This is the sort of beer you drink in minutes to try and work it out, to try and find out why you like it so much, why it works when something says it shouldn’t (coffee and grapefruit isn’t a classic combo). I love that quality in a beer – the unintentional speed drinking to try and understand it. More coffee comes through the further down the glass you get and the warmer the beer becomes. The bitterness gets more apparent, both from hops and coffee.

9.24pm: I had the first batch of this beer a few months ago but it was only a couple of mouthfuls so don’t remember it much. I know it was in the Dean Swift and Tandleman was there. Then I went to the Tower Bridge Draft House and had a burger. You don’t forget details like that.

9.27pm: I’m sure I’m meant to be doing something important right now but I have no idea what that is.

9.30pm: Oh! Some news for anyone who read the sausage, chips and beans post last week... a mega sausage, chips and beans beer taste-off is happening on Friday. I’ve got lots of beers and I’m calling in assistance from some sausage-loving beer drinkers. Results will be posted next week.

9.33pm: You know what’s most interesting with this beer? Every mouthful tastes a bit different to the one before. It started with the hop explosion, then came the unlikely marriage of coffee and hops, then the coffee became the star, then it started to taste drier and more bitter and now at the end of the glass it’s like a hardcore chocolate orange. And every gulp is great. It could’ve been a crazy clash but it isn’t and it works.

9.37pm: Beer’s done. I loved it. But then it’s Kernel and Kernel only hit home runs. My only worry is that this beer is packed with as much caffeine as lupulin, so one will keep me up all night and the other will make me sleepy, like necking sleeping pills with a Red Bull. Fingers crossed that won’t happen.  

9.41pm: Time to look away from a computer and into a book. Kernel’s Coffee IPA is gone. Anyone else had this? If so, what do you think?

UPDATE: This is a post-live note to add that the colour of the beer isn't as dark as it looks in the picture. It's a dark beer for an IPA but it isn't brown.

As-Live Tasting: BrewDog/Mikkeller I Hardcore You

8.10pm: Cap popped off and a routine sniff down the bottle neck gets the olfactory gland’s excited attention. This is an As-Live Tasting of BrewDog and Mikkeller's I Hardcore You.

8.12pm: Poured out and photographed, the beer is beside me at the computer and it’s billowing out aromas capable of inducing intense nosegasms.

8.15pm: Swirl, sniff and slurp. A massive pine attack, hop-overload; a jammy depth to it, something like strawberry chewy sweets; a peppery-ness, herbaceous like a forest during the summer after a flash thunderstorm rocks the earth and trees. It’s good looking, red like the very edge of a lick of flame, a thick head slipping down to a lasting lace.  

8.20pm: It should be noted that there’s a programme about Cheryl Cole on in the background so I’m liable to be heavily distracted during this as-live posting.

8.20pm: Somehow the bottle is half-finished. The mega dry-hopped aroma leads the way into the velvety body which bursts of summer fruit and even a hint of vanilla ice cream, then out with a bitterness not too big to clear your sinuses but big enough to claw to your tongue until the next eager mouthful. The balance in this beer rocks. The hops kick off but the sweetness beneath that is enough to calm it down.

8.30pm: The Cheryl programme reaches the adverts so time for a burst of typing... It’s diving down my beer hole in no time at all, dangerously fast in fact, as my head is feeling the distant buzz of booze. At 9.5% this beer is a monster, but it’s a cuddly, lovely monster that makes you want to play with it all afternoon, not run away screaming at its hideousness. Talking of hideous, the label is far from it, and is one of the nicest looking I’ve seen this year – a simple spearmint green, a girl and a boy (the boy looking at a chalice of beer, or perhaps the girl’s boobs; the girl looking into the boy’s eyes – go figure), a tree with an etched I Hardcore You. It’s printed in Danish but it’s somehow understandable to this English-only reader.

8.36pm: I just stood up and the button of my shorts burst off. Seriously. I naturally wailed like a small boy and Lauren promised to sow it back on for me (I’m only writing this as proof to remind Lauren of what she said).

8.40pm: It’s now pertinent to mention Zak Avery. He had this beer last week (I’m behind the times, I know, but I had the beer delivered to my parents house, where, incidentally, my little nephew took a keen interest in the lively box) and reported how to get the best out of this beer, which involves buying a case and burying most of them to stop you drinking them all in one ruinous attempt. It’s pertinent to mention it now because I’ve just opened another bottle (just as my fingers begin to miss the intended targets on the keyboard).

8.47pm: As is the zeitgeist, I’ve asked the internet what they think of this beer. @ThornbridgeKel called it “sublime”, @BeerReviewsAndy says “I love IHY I’ve not got much left”, @swbrewery says “I was really impressed with IHY like a rolling wave of hop heaven-pithy, piney perfection!”

8.50pm: I’m getting a bit dizzy. It’s 9.5% but somehow drinks like a devilish 5.9%-er.

8.53pm: When I first started blogging I got a bit BrewDog-heavy. I felt an affinity to what they were doing and the beers they were making. In the last few months I’ve barely mentioned them because they seem to have released nothing but expensive one-offs of the next strongest beer in the world. What I initially feel in love with with BrewDog was that they were regularly producing new beers, different beers, and interesting beers. I remember my first taste of Chaos Theory and was blown away. I remember my first zeitgeist, Zephyr, 5am Saint. I loved that they got me excited about new beers in the UK. Tokyo* rocked my world, I love Tactical Nuclear Penguin, Sink the Bismark was insane, End of History took it a lot further, maybe too far, certainly too far for my dusty wallet. The thing is, even if I’ve felt a little dispirited with them, I’ve still loved what they’ve done and they’ve kept the UK beer scene interesting in an outrageous kind of way.

9.07pm: That last bit took a long time to write. FYI, for context: The Cheryl programme has finished. Now Big Brother is on (Lauren is in charge of the remote).

9.09pm: I should probably explain what this beer is... It’s a blend of BrewDog’s Hardcore IPA and Mikkeller’s I Beat yoU plus extra dry hopping. It’s a mix of two beers with a little extra. I’ve never had I Beat yoU but I want it now. Hardcore IPA is an intense beast of an IPA so I imagine IBU has an underlying sweetness which somehow seems to balance everything out in this beer: two becoming greater than the sum of their parts.

9.10pm: I just shoved the glass under Lauren’s nose and demanded she provided an opinion: “It smells nice. It smells like summer. Does it smell like summer? I’m not very good at this... There’s a deep flavour I just can’t put my finger on. Is it quite high in alcohol? [I nod while typing]. Yeah. Smells like it. It’s got a lovely thick, rich... Isn’t it? Like, umm, tropical fruits. There’s something else there... Quite fruity. Here, take it back, I’m watching Big Brother.”

9.14pm: The 9.5% is kicking in. I’ve largely lost feeling in my face. It’s a wonder that I’m still typing with relative accuracy and speed.

9.15pm: @BGRTRob just tweeted: “It's a truly wonderful beer.” Touché my friend!

9.25pm: Holy shit, @ThornbridgeKel just said something big: “I think IHY is the new benchmark IIPA for Europe. It rules!” BOOM!

9.26pm: I’m being distracted by Big Brother. There are men dressed as tacos eating chilli which isn’t cool... One of them just hurled almightily.

9.31pm: The beer’s almost done. I’ve got four more bottles left. I might need to bury some of them à la Avery to stop me drinking them all in one go.

9.34pm: I Hardcore You is dangerously brilliant. It’s an arse-kicking IPA, a tongue-numbing assault on the senses, a face-slapping beer that just makes you want to drink more and more. I think it’s better than Hardcore IPA but I don’t know what makes it so complete; whatever it is, I like it (I think the combination of sexy, smooth body and dominant bitterness without overpowering is probably the winner here, plus the intoxicating aroma). Away from the high-impact thrashing of the boozy arms race, this beer puts BrewDog back on track. To BrewDog I offer a thankful man hug. To Mikkeller I offer the highest praise: a high five.

9.41pm: I’m done. In many ways.

10.07pm: Post script: Just said goodnight to Lauren. She said: “You were drunk Friday, Saturday and now Sunday.” I said: “A hat trick.” And now I’m going to read my book, which is currently Chuck Palahnuik’s Snuff. I will post this tomorrow, which, in the correct tense shall be today.

As-Live FABPOW! Pancakes and Apple Wood Cider

20.08: I believe in the new media circles this is what is known as a mash-up: it’s an As-Live Tasting meets a FABPOW.

20.10: It’s Pancake Day tomorrow and not doing something would be simply unthinkable, so this is it. Pancakes mixed, fried and flipped; apples sliced and fried in cider; ice cream dolloped on top; cider poured into my glass; ready to go.

20.12: First of all you are all probably thinking the same thing: why the hell is he drinking cider? Especially during a Food and Beer Pairing of the Week? Well, if cider is good enough for CAMRA then it’s good enough for me. Plus, this particular cider is made by Thatchers for Badger’s, the brewery, so that’s doubly okay.

20.15: I made the pancakes mix with the cider in the batter (70% milk, 30% cider, or something like that) and then I fried the apples in butter, vanilla sugar and cider, until soft and sweet and sticky. If I do say so myself it's damn good. The pancakes are thin and crispy on the edges and light and floppy in the middle. Perfect. The apples make a great topping too (although, to be honest, can you really beat sugar and lemon?!).

20.18: Writing is distracting me from eating. I can see why I’ve never done an As-Live FABPOW before, logistically it’s awkward.

20.21: On to the cider. It’s Apple Wood Cider, 6%, oak aged and medium dry (so the bottle says). It pours an electrifying orange colour with those fast-paced bubbles that hurry to the top. It’s not one of those Grandpa's Ballbag Scrumpys that smells like horse shit and comes with a few stray pieces of straw in the pint glass, this is one of those apple-core and apple-skin ciders, woody and, thankfully, fruity. It’s clean and just-sweet, I want to say it’s bitter but then I remember it’s cider, so that dryness I taste is from the barrel, and it manages to retain a certain rustic character, which is nice.

20.25: The pancakes are gobbled down. They worked a treat with the cider; the apples in each matching up perfectly. FABPOW!

20.28: You know what I’ve always wanted someone to brew for me? A 10% imperial oatmeal coffee stout, rich and thick, flavoured with fresh blueberries and maple syrup (maybe a little oak to add texture). I want that beer with a huge stack of fat American-style pancakes, bacon and maple syrup. If I could find Founder’s Canadian Breakfast Stout then that might be the closest thing out there. The trouble is I can’t find CBS, dammit.

20.30: I just spilt some cider on my chin.

20.31: Oh yeah, I’m doing this a day early because if I did it tomorrow and posted it at 9pm then it’s too late, of course. And you could make these pancakes with beer, that’d be great. I only used cider because I’m running low on beer in the flat (beer that's suitable for cooking with, anyway) but have some cider, I also had some apples which needed using up. Ta-da.

20.36: I like a drop of cider. My drinking days began with turbo snakebites – strong and cheap lightning cider, crap and cheap lager, blackcurrant cordial and vodka (that was killer stuff). A few years later it was always the last drink we chose at the end of a beer festival and I’ve had some dodgy old pints of scrumpy over the last few years. Perhaps the most memorable (or not...) experience was a snakebite made from Old Tom and some 8% cider. After that there was some dancing. At a beer festival. Ooof.

20.42: Being distracted by the terrible TV that Lauren is watching...

20.45: I did this thing last year with BrewDog’s Hardcore IPA and their Coffee Imperial Stout. Neither were perfect but not too bad. And I’ve just realised that I haven’t done an As-Live Tasting for AGES!

20.49: Cider gone. It’s pretty good; better than I expected, it just needs more hops. As for the pancakes... they were bloody delicious! I think pancakes might be on the menu a few more times this week (and whenever I make them I’m always surprised how easy they are – just 125g plain flour, two eggs, 300ml of milk, or 200ml milk and 100ml booze).

20.53: That’s me done with an As-Live FABPOW Mash-up. Relocation Relocation is now on.

As-Live Tasting: BrewDog's Punk Monk

7.47pm: Hello all. It’s Sunday 13th September. The beer is poured. I’m sitting comfortably, staring at the super minimal label that is BrewDog’s Punk Monk - Punk IPA brewed with Belgian yeast.

7.49pm: It looks like Punk, that familiar gold. And it smells like Punk too, fruity with lycees and strawberries and caramel, but then beneath that there’s a little something extra, something cheeky and naughty, a little estery sweetness, banana, pineapple and passion fruit. It smells goooood.

7.50pm: And it tastes goooood too. Yup, I like this. It’s Punk, it’s still fruity and bitter but it has that cool Belgian twist at the end. What’s strange is that it’s very similar to the standard Punk – and I drink a lot of it, in fact I can’t remember a time in the last nine months when Punk hasn’t been in the fridge – but it just goes a little sideways, kind of like kissing your other half and they throw in a nibble of the bottom lip to surprise you.

7.52pm: Talking of surprises, has anyone noticed that BrewDog’s Punk recipe has changed? The original hop line-up was Chinook, Crystal and Motoeka but now it uses Chinook, Ahtanum and Nelson Sauvin. I don’t think I’ve noticed a change in taste so it’s been a smooth transition, I guess.

7.56pm: There isn’t an ABV listed on the label, so I guess it’s 6% still, although it doesn’t taste it… And while we’re on ABV, have you read about BrewDog’s newest beer, Nanny State? Their ‘response’ to the Tokyo* hysteria is to brew a 1.1%ABV beer (savvy and inevitable, really). I like this idea a lot, at least I did until I read that it has a projected IBU of 225, using 60kg of hops in a 20hl brew. To me this sounds mental. How to Disappear Completely is a brilliantly brutal beer but it’s really at the limit of drinkability for me, and it’s made drinkable by the astonishing body that the beer has. A 1.1% beer with that many hops is surely going to be like drinking over-stewed, killer hop tea? I appreciate how they are sticking to their esoteric guns and playing up to the braying crowd, but if BrewDog were to have brewed a 2% beer, pale and a little hoppy (a baby version of Punk, say), then I would’ve stood up and applauded and been first in line to drink a few pints of what could be an important step in low-ABV British brewing. Instead I’m left a little uncomfortable with the fact that this is going to be an all-out attack (on ‘the man’ and on the palate) using their full arsenal of hop grenades. Still, I shall wait until I try the beer…

8.04pm: Back to this fantabulous Punk Monk. I really am enjoying it. The bottle compares favourably with the cask stuff I drank in The Bull (now officially the best pub in Kent!) a few weeks ago, and if I ever see it on cask again then I will dive straight for it. Now I’m just waiting for a Wild Punk seeded with wild yeast and a Baby Punk (see previous comment).

8.08.pm: The beer is going down like a voracious fluffer and I want more. I have another bottle but it isn’t chilled. There’s something about the Belgian yeast and the fruity hops which makes for a really great beer, all gooseberries and pineapple and berries. In fact, I’m tempted to open a normal Punk now to compare…

8.12pm: I couldn’t resist: a bottle of Punk is now in front of me. A side-by-side was the only logical way of doing this, I guess. The Punk has a little less fruitiness in the aroma, but the lycee, strawberry, passion fruit and caramel are still there. Tasting it I can pick out the similarities but the differences are there too: more biscuity malt and a more potently dry bitter finish in the Punk compared to the Monk, and a greater range of flavour in the Monk, different fruits, more depth. Punk IPA is such a familiar taste to me that I could recognise it in seconds yet I’m drawn towards the Monk right now and I want more of it. I really do.

8.17pm: Right, that’ll do. I’m off to finish this Punk Off and read some blogs and talk some shit on twitter. If, and when, Punk Monk is for sale on the BrewDog website then I urge you to buy it. It’s really very good.

As-Live Tasting: BrewDog’s Rake Raspberry Paradox Smokehead

UPDATE: I wrote this ages ago but then Tokyo* exploded and I wrote about that instead. I haven’t edited anything of the original post because that’s how this thing works. It’s a little dated (RE: the GBBF quandary) but it still works. And here is the BrewDog post about the beer.

21.09pm. I’m into the newest of the Paradox range and it pours out a big bowl of opaque black with a head the colour of a sunburnt bottom.

21.10pm. I want to smell raspberries and I’m expecting it. I’m expecting a lot; regular Smokehead is a crazy-wonderful beer but add a heck of a lot of fresh raspberries and I’m there.

21.11pm. It smells like milk chocolate, like kindling smoke, like old and dry wood, it’s earthy and it’s bold. And there it is: raspberries. Not a tart in-your-face kind of smell, more of a raspberry milkshake kind of thing.

21.13pm. Ok, wow. So I had to take a few sips back there and really roll around in it. This beer is seriously something. It has Smokehead’s earthy-smokiness but layered thickly above this are raspberries. They are fruity and fresh, sharp and sweet and the balancing act between barrel and berries is knife-edge stuff.

21.15pm. There’s something really opposing about the sweetness of the aroma and the sharpness of the taste. It draws you back in again and again. It’s an intense and new flavour experiences for me, mixing all the tastes in one sip with a crazy interplay and melding of complexity which threatens to fall over into complicated.

21.18pm. Sitting back and chilling, thinking about the beer, trying to get words to describe it.

21.21pm. I think I was unduly harsh last week (EDIT: it’s more like last month now…) about the British beers at the GBBF. Let me explain. You see, I’m an emotional chap and I lead with me heart so when I checked the beer list for the first time I immediately jumped to those breweries that I most want to drink at an event like the GBBF. When I saw none of them there I felt a little bit let down by the whole thing. I want to see Thornbridge, I want to see Ramsgate, Marble, Oakham, Pictish, Moor, Darkstar, BrewDog. And I want to see them put out their best beers along with festival specials. The fact that these breweries won’t be well represented is sad news to me. But, my plan is currently to go on the Tuesday and the Saturday. Tuesday will be BSF o’clock and Saturday will mean a day on the British stuff, so hopefully I’ll be able to scour the place and won’t find many me-too bitters but will be given an education in fine British ales. But just think, how much more excited would I be if I knew there would be BrewDog’s there, especially if I could get something like cask Smokehead. Pfwoar!

21.26pm. Talking of the GBBF… I don’t usually drink Mondays to Wednesday’s if I can help it to try and restore some balance for the huge drinking that happens at weekends, but this week I am changing that. I have a plan you see… I don’t want to rock up to the GBBF and drink three pints of US IPA and be rolling on the floor giggling like a little girl while all the big boys sip away at their beers completely unaffected and trying to ignore my slobbering silliness. My thinking is that spending a week drinking strong beers will build up my resilience and I’ll be able to drink hardcore with everyone else. That’s the vain thinking anyway; I very much doubt it’ll work like that, especially when I see all those barrels of beers!

21.30pm. The beer is warming up and… uh oh, do I smell cheese? And I’m struggling to tell if I’m getting a wild-ness to the beer or whether that is purely fruit and barrel. I don’t think my palate is sharp enough to deal with this beer!

21.32pm. If you like Smokehead then check out this totally amazing food and beer pairing and a few incredible recipes – the flapjacks are brilliant.

21.34pm. I’m nearing the end and I’ve finished it fairly quickly. There’s something very drinkable and alluring about the beer and I think that’s all to do with its mystery: I don’t fully understand it but I want to. I’m telling you, you can expect me to write the word mystery a few more times in coming posts, it’s my latest fave beer idea.

21.40pm. This beer is quite something. What that something is I don’t know. I’ve got two more bottles so hopefully I will find out when I drink those.

21.45pm. Done-diddly-done with that one. I don’t quite know else to say so I’m out.

As-Live Tasting: BrewDog How To Disappear Completely

17.10pm. Evening all. It’s been a bloody lovely day here in Kent, I’ve just got back from Whitstable and now I want/need a beer. And it’s a new beer tonight – BrewDog’s How To Disappear Completely. A 3.5% imperial mild-slash-imperial IPA with a theoretical 198 IBUs. Yeah, 198!! This surely renders all hope of balance out of the question!?

17.14pm. It’s poured and the picture’s been taken. It’s darker than expected; a deep caramel colour. Time to get in there and see whether a superheroically bitter beer can work at 3.5%!

17.16pm. Wow, what a nose!! It’s an immense monster; a billowing tower of olfactory pleasure. The hops are properly condensed and turned up to way beyond 11. The first and most startling aroma is fresh tobacco and tea leaves; it’s a musty sweetness, intoxicating. Beyond that it’s grapefruit and tangerines roasted to just before burning point. There’s also caramel too, in a toasted sweet bread kind of way and possibly overcooked vanilla custard. It’s really something to dig your snout into.

17.19pm. Before I dive in, a word on balance. Balance in beer is good. It’s that delicate see-saw between sweet and bitter. Anything that tips the scales at either extremes loses some of its enjoyment, in my opinion. It’s pretty tough to get body into a 3.5% beer, and not that easy to get a heck of a lot of sweetness but it is easy to make it bitter by adding a lot of hops. What the hell will come of this beer?! I’m going in, watch yourselves tastebuds!

17.22pm. Oh my goodness… The words are in there but not coming out… need another mouthful… woah that’s HUGE! Bitter yes, but it’s got such a great mouthfeel (how much crystal malt did you use?!). It’s toasty grain for the smallest fraction of time before your tongue gets beaten into a hop submission. And it’s unabashedly unrelenting. It doesn’t roll in, it smashes in. It’s that super-condensed kind of bitterness, a tangy, clawing, fill your mouth bitterness. But I think it works…

17.26pm. I’m feeling a bit dizzy with that hop-induce fug of calm. This is another intoxicating brew from the furthest reaches of outer Scotland. It’s intoxicating because it flips your head inside out. It feels like 8.5% not 3.5%. It’s as bitter as a beer can go. And it’s got a roll-around-your-tongue thickness. Have you had Sierra Nevada’s Torpedo IPA? It’s like that in the mouth.

17.30pm. I just read the BrewDog blog about this beer and it was mash-hopped and first wort hopped, two virtually unheard of practices. The dry hopping was pretty epic too; 15HL of beer was abused by 20kg of hops! And it really does showcase the raw brutality of the hop in its most condensed form.

17.33pm. I said in a previous post that this is brewed with the same hops as Stone’s Ruination IPA (Columbus and Centennial) but that it’s half the ABV and double the bitterness. It doesn’t taste like Ruination IPA. It doesn’t taste like anything I’ve had before.

17.36pm. My Grandad, my Dad’s Dad, used to smoke a pipe. I remember going to his house and pretending to smoke it as a young boy. It had a very distinct smell. It was him, plus the pipe, plus its leathery case, plus the sweet flecks of tobacco. It’s a surprising olfactory madeleine; a re-enactment of 15 years ago and a memory which I didn’t know I had.

17.41pm. I’m listening to Radiohead’s How To Disappear Completely. It seems only right as that’s what the beer is named after. The combination of beer and song works strangely well in a juxtaposition kind of way; it’s a contemplatively haunting song while the beer is a 1,000 mile per hour hop rocket which makes you dozy. The lyrics have a haunting similarity too. Strobe lights and blown speakers, fireworks and hurricanes, I’m not here, this isn’t happening.

17.48pm. I’m fascinated by this beer. I love bitterness and its potentially innate physiological powers, which I wrote about here. It’s a beer which commands your attention; the fear is that it might just be able to kill you. But I like it (of course I do, it’s a BrewDog for goodness sake). I like how it has got just enough sweetness to make it drinkable and I love how it hovers just below the that’s-too-bitter threshold; it’s an unbalanced balancing act.

17.55pm. I can’t decide if I want another now or not? Half of me does (the pleasure-pain loving Id) and half of me doesn’t (the sensible side, the Ego). I can smell the barbeque from where I sit so I probably won’t; it’s possibly the least food-friendly beer I’ve ever tasted (remember the Hardcore IPA As-Live?). Just don’t bother having it with dinner unless it’s a meal you hate.

17.58pm. As the BBQ is getting nearer I think I’ll open a bottle each of 77 lager and Zeitgeist to eat with it. And if you didn’t read it, check out the latest food and BrewDog stuff that I did here (believe it or not it’s 77 and Zeitgeist with a BBQ!! – what a coincidence!). Oh yeah, you can buy How To Disappear Completely from the brewery here. Give it a try and let me know what you think.

Bonus Features... I also shot a video of me opening this beer which I have posted on my youtube channel. I’ll probably start uploading a few videos over there which I don’t put on this blog. There are some pretty cool video beer reviewers out there on youtube and they are worth a look.

As-Live Tasting: Chimay Red vs. Chimay Blue

It’s Monday 23rd February (quite a while ago now, oops) and here’s an as-live comparison between Chimay Red and Blue.

20.16pm: The first beer is poured and it’s the Chimay Red. A 7% trappist ale. A murky burnt copper colour, thin head. A nose of burnt sugar and roasted fruits as well as stone fruits and some apricot.

20.17pm: Man I’m thirsty.

20.18pm: First word to mind: fizzy. It tingles the tongue, grazes on the way down. Beneath that it’s stone and roasted fruits and dark sugar. A complex and slight sourness.

20.20pm: I’m chilling out watching Flight of the Conchords. I love this show, it’s flipping awesome. Band meeting: Chimay Red? Present. Chimay Blue? Present. Mark? Present.

20.22pm: I’m getting a depth of spice from the beer now. It’s going down quickly tonight. I had a huge gym sesh earlier. It was mega busy though, a real sausage fest of pumping testosterone and not a fit young girl in sight. Rubbish.

20.25pm: I’m letting the beer relax a bit to numb the fizz; it prickles and I don’t want that. In this episode of Flight of the Conchords they declare that they don’t like beer! What the hell?! Murray the manager tells them that it’s cool - it’s rock ‘n’ roll - so that’s fine by me. It does look like a lager they’re drinking though.

20.28pm: These are crown tops, by the way. And both bottles are pretty new; there’s no age to them. I think I got them from Waitrose, but it may have been Tesco, or even one from each.

20.32pm: The beer is getting smoother, fuller, richer. More fruits are coming through and a nice bitterness to end it. There’s pepper too, toasted brown bread and nuts.

20.34pm: Did you know the brewery makes cheeses?! I want cheese now… though I pretty much always want cheese.

20.42pm: Red done. I liked it. Fairly complex and drinkable but for me the carbonation was too much. Maybe I just didn’t give it a chance to settle in my thirsty haste. Bring on the Blue. Oh, and I would drink a White (a Triple) too but I don’t have a bottle.

20.46pm: Masterchef is on and the Blue is out. It’s darker; I’ll call it russet. It’s 9% ABV, the nose is sweet, dark sugar; a bag of sticky dates. Now this is a lot bigger than the Red. Boozy and rich, strong and rammed with flavour. Loads of dark fruits, dark sugar, a tangy bitterness.

20.51pm: I am with cheese. I couldn’t resist!

20. 56pm: The phone rang when I had a mouthful of goats’ log! I took the beer with me and I think it worked but I was concentrating on answering the call so can’t be certain. I’m back on it now.

20:57pm: Cambozola, a creamy mild blue, is up: it’s a great little match and the beer sweeps the palate clean and the deep fruitiness in more pronounced. This is a yummy cheese.

20.59pm: Blue Shropshire next. It was reduced at the supermarket and tastes damp. The match is kind of average. If anything the beer masks the musky, dry taste of the cheese. Pretty lame.

21.01pm: Colston basset stilton. A blinding cheese. A constant in the fridge and the match is a goodun’: rich cheesy funk and the complex beer party their asses off.

21.05pm: Masterchef finished and Flight of the Conchords is back and this beer is getting better and better. The date-and-fig-like fruitiness is rich and sweet and fantastic. I’m getting bready yeast up the nose with the dried fruit, like a fancy slice of tea cake.

21.08pm: Cherry brandy! And it’s warming me. Speaking of warm, the temperature has risen (it’s about 10C I think) and the garage is now approaching perfect cellar temperature so I can transfer a few beers out there to keep cool.

21.10pm: This is the start of a Trappist/Belgian week in preparation for a Westvleteren 12 (which I wrote about here). I’ve blitzed my palate with mainly American beers for the last few weeks so I want to jump over to Europe to limber up my tastebuds in a different way. My polygamous palate.

21.14pm: This is an easy drinker which is surprising for the 9% ABV. It’s getting better still and I know that the last mouthful will leave me wanting more - that’s a sign of a good beer. I might have to pick up a few more next time I’m shopping.

21.18pm: I’ve just remembered that this is billed as a comparison. So here it is: the Red is a nice beer, plenty of complexity and depth of flavour, but it pales in comparison to the Blue which is just a superb beer all round. The Blue is a flavour bomb with dried fruits and bread and a mellow smoothness. The cherry sweetness is a delight.

21.21pm: I’m waffling on now. The beer’s almost gone. I’ve passed an hour and I’ve had some fun. I like this whole ‘stream of consciousness’ writing. Chimay Blue is a gorgeous treat of a beer.

21.25pm: The beer is gone and I want more. I’ll console myself with Flight of the Conchords. Over and out.

As-Live Tasting: BrewDog Hardcore IPA

21.05. Beer taken from fridge, bottle sniffed, poured out, photo taken.

21.10. Great colour to this beer, it’s a vicious orange-gold with a thin yellow chalk-coloured head. This is a 9% ‘explicit imperial ale’ for those not in the know.

21.11. Blimey it’s got a punch to the nose. It’s a booming glassful of oranges, distant grapefruits, pine and cold metal (cold metal? WTF? I don’t know.)

21.12. I’m holding back. I’m soaking it in. I’m letting the anticipation grow, the excitement build. This beer promises 150IBUs. That’s insane (is it even possible?!). I tried the last Hardcore but it wasn’t hardcore enough for me; not hoppy enough and too sweet. Apparently the hop shortage took its toll. Ok, I’m going in, stand back…

21.14. This mother bites. It’s BIG. A monster rising above its former self. The bitterness is clinging, scraping, unending. It’s caramel beneath but that joyously sweet pleasure is short lived before the hops mass-invade with citrus and pine and a dryness unexpected from anything liquid. To quote the BrewDog blog ‘It’s like being raped by a hop monster’.

21.18. I was writing about my brewery visit to Thornbridge but this evening’s beer has stopped that, plus I need a day before I edit that one properly - it’s looong (don’t let that put you off, dear readers).

21.20. Some background on my Friday night: I’m home alone and drinking IPAs (with one exception). I had ribs (using my own recipe designed for BrewDog – let me, or them, know if you want it) for dinner. The beers tonight have gone: 77 Lager (it was meant to be a Punk IPA but I didn’t have one cold), Thornbridge Jaipur then Stone IPA. I've always said I never write after I’ve been drinking… Tonight is different.

21.21. There’s massively condensed tropical sweetness in here, a whole spectrum of hop flavours, most of which my tongue cannot grasp because it has been smashed to pieces. But the important Imperial IPA thing is there: it’s addictively moreish. With each mouthful I want another. I want the sweetness to lull the bitterness but then I crave the bitterness to return.

21.24. I’m feeling good. Thank you beer.

21.26. Reading a few blogs: Reluctant Scooper’s evening BrewDogging sounds awesome. I’ll be all over that soon at The Bull. And Impy Malting, she’s a great writer (I wrote a few comments on the recent Session post when I was a bit drunk coming home from the pub after the Dark Star at The Bull – hey, The Bull has gotten a lot of plugs here!).

21.32. Been searching for food to try and pair. Gonna be a tough one.

21.34. White chocolate semi-works in a weird not-quite kinda way. I guess that actually means it doesn’t work.

21.35. Goats cheese is terrible with it. Avoid.

21.37. Mega strong cheddar okay but leaves a strange boozy flavour at the end, not helping either.

21.39. King of the cheese world next: Colston basset and Hardcore IPA = Nasty. I will conclude my little food and beer experiment with this: just drink the beer on its own, get a bit blurry headed and enjoy it.

21.41. Man the bitterness intensifies as you get down. It claws at your throat. It begs you to drink more but pleads that you stop. And it’s full bodied too. I’m making serial spelling mistakes and terrible typos; my brain and fingers are moving at very different speeds and I can’t tell which is going quicker. I fight it.

21.45. This is a challenging beer. It pretty much buggers you up. It’s unrelenting. Monstrous. Insatiable. It’s like a drug and you need the sweetness to ease the bitterness. But I’m feeling relaxed. I’ve got that warmth that the hops bring. I’m kinda sleepy. Chilled out. Probably a bit drunk now. It’s a real rollercoaster.

21.47. BrewDog Hardcore IPA done. It certainly is Hardcore. If you like hops then you gotta try it. If not then you’ll feel like you’ve been attacked by the personification of bitterness. Yikes. If you want it then get it here. I feel abused.

As-Live Tasting: Belgian Style Triple Ale

20.10pm. This is an as-live tasting of the Belgian Style Triple Ale which is a collaborative brew between Stone Brewing Co., Mikkeller Brewery and AleSmith Brewery.

Basically I decided to open a beer tonight and thought I’d write my notes straight into the computer and publish them right now, unedited.

Allow me to set the scene: Location, Location, Location is on in the background (I love Kirstie Allsopp) and I’m at my desk. The beer is downstairs. I do currently have better things to be doing, but I’m feeling lazy and I want a beer. Let’s go!

20.13pm. Beer opened and poured, photo taken and back to desk.

20.14pm. Pale gold colour, not a massive head and few bubbles. Aromas of bread and oranges; an oaty-ness; subtle spice; citrusy fruit developing with more oranges, maybe lychee too. Some booze.

20.16pm. Let’s drink! It’s so smooth and creamy (there must be oats in it?), feels way below its 8.7% ABV and it’s light. Loads of malt; clove spiciness; toned-down American-style hoppy finish; orange pith and peel. The booze is coming through more now.

20.20pm. I’m reading the bottle… It has a tag-line of ‘Triple the Breweries, Triple the Brewmasters, Triple the beer…’ That’s pretty cool. The whole concept is good; I like it. These are three of the most forward and progressive breweries in the world so a collaboration is really interesting.

20.22pm. I’m distracted by Kirstie Allsopp.

20.24pm. I get back to the beer. More fruit comes through now and it’s more mellow, creamy. There’s something biscuity about it, maybe the malt-yeast combo? I get some pepper and pears too. There’s spice, there’s malt and there’s plenty of hops to finish and it’s Europe meets America. It has a definite Belgian twang, whatever that indeterminate description may mean. It’s very drinkable for a beer of its strength, but I’m wondering when it’ll blow my mind?

20.30pm. Masterchef begins (goodbye Kirstie), I notice Southend are beating Chelsea as I skip channels. I laugh heartily.

20.33pm. This beer is sliding down quick. But it feels a little flat, as if the carbonation has let it down.

20.35pm. Is this as-live thing working? It’s doubtful. I’m cruising Beer Advocate right now. I’m desperate to drink more AleSmith beers. I’ve got some Stone downstairs but I won’t have another now. I’m going to Utobeer on Saturday (before/after the Thornbridge tasting at the Rake) and I think I’ll pick up some more Stones.

20.40pm. I’m enjoying the beer-buzz, that airy sensation of feeling relaxed after the first beer (especially a strong one).

20.44pm. The beer is gone. I’m left kind of perplexed and undecided by it. I enjoyed it but I wouldn’t buy another one. It’s very drinkable and light for its strength - fruity, spicy, bready - but I have a feeling that it’ll be soon forgotten (except that it’s been posted here for eternity, or so).

20.47pm. Right, let’s get this thing online. As-live tasting done!

20.59pm. We are live.