If you had to...

It’s been a long time since we had an If you had to, but it’s back!

It's simple: If you had to choose, would you rather have a cold, crisp pale beer in the hot sun or a warming, big, strong beer on a cold day?

You can only choose one, so would you rather the refreshing quality of cold beer or do you like the snug feeling of a warming beer?

And, thinking sideways, looking at 'extremes' of beer drinking, do you know if there has ever been a beer designed to drink warm or hot? I'm not talking mulled beer, just a beer that is made to be served hot, an intense coffee stout, perhaps? If this hasn't been done, then how long before it is?

One for the brewers (or the writers, musicians, businessmen, filmmakers)…

I know a few brewers read this from time to time and I’m wondering something (just my curiosity, nothing more)… There are books that I read or films which I watch and then think: damn, I wish I’d written this. But, are there any beers out there which make you think: damn, I wish this was my beer?

Maybe you’d want the commercial success of it, the critical success or just the personal success, knowing that you’ve brewed something which you completely love. I think there must be at least one beer out there which you jealously crave as your own, maybe the one which made you love beer in the first place… And this can extend to home brewers too. Or, which do you wish you could recreate? And why not open it to everyone: which brewery do you wish was yours? Who is making the beer (or doing the business/marketing) which is most closely aligned to the type of thing you want from a brewery? Hell, if there’s books/films/songs you wished you written, then tell me them too. I’m in a spritely and curious mood this morning fueled by waking up early to write.

If beer didn’t make you drunk…

I was walking to the pub (FYI: check out that link to see what beers are on this week - that's a wicked line-up!) a while ago with Pete and his brother, David, and the discussion turned to this horribly obese chap who had a (mythically?!) super-efficient liver that enabled him to drink gallons of beer every night and not feel any effect (except, of course, that his 20+ pints contributed to his already-monstrous girth). This then turned to a musing along the lines of: would you like to be able to drink and drink and drink and never get drunk?

So that’s the question: would you enjoy beer as much as you do if it didn’t come with the drunkenness?

I’m not saying the falling around, slurring, loss of motor controls and all that, I’m more interested in the stages from the first beer, through relaxing, into the merriness. You know how it is, a few beers in, where you talk shit, laugh more, feel happier; that fug of warmth and belonging and relaxation. And this isn’t about getting drunk, per se, it’s more about that 'beer feeling’.

This can probably be separated into further questions: would you prefer drinking if you can go all night and never get pissed? Given a choice between never getting drunk no matter how much you throw down, or getting drunk after one beer, which would you prefer? How important to your enjoyment is the whole inebriation process? What do you think...

Fantasy Pub Week! 5: Entertainment/Extras

Here’s the final installment of Fantasy Pub Week! And this is the place for anything else you fancy in your pub? What entertainment would you like? A TV tuned to soaps/sports/reality TV/music channels? A CD player repeating your favourite albums? How about a house band (any band you like!). Food is important to some – do you want bar snacks or heaving piles of bangers and mash? And who cooks it? Perhaps you want a pool table or bowling alley or dart board? Maybe you want to specify a curry night or a weekly hog roast? Pub quizzes? Pub football team? Anything you like.

Here’s one last reminder about the other categories: Where and What, The People, The Draught Beer and The Beer Fridge.

My Extras... I think pubs are about the people and the beer. And sometimes entertainment can be too much. I don’t want much going on in my place other than people to be there drinking, talking and laughing. However, a few extras would be fine. I’d like a pool table that sinks into the ground when I don’t want it out and in the way. I like quiet background music so a range of CDs will be on occasionally. No house band because I generally don’t like live music in small pubs, but I would occasionally let Dashboard Confessional play an acoustic set. I would play old movies on flatscreen TVs, which would be like moving pieces of art. The food will be snacks – pork scratchings, pies, sandwiches – cooked by someone who really cares about local, seasonal food, Hugh perhaps. There would be both chocolate and cheese boards. We’d have a pub cricket team, Shakespeare and Dickens would open the batting, Don Quixote would cause havoc at three and I’d bat four. I wouldn’t field but would come on first change to bowl ripping leg-spin. Our home ground is Lords, of course. There’d be ‘Ladies Night’ once a month (third Tuesday) where all the ladies get half price drinks (that should keep them happy). There would be a huge and unending book shelf stocked full of good reads. And there is a free taxi service home, should I/we require it.

That’s me done and Fantasy Pub Week done. Cheers all for playing along, normal service will resume next week when I’ll try to do some actual writing about beer. Have a bloody good weekend all.

Fantasy Pub Week! 4: The Fridge

Yesterday we agonized through the cask list but in my Fantasy Pub I also want a fridge full of drinks and perhaps a few lined up behind the bar. Similarly to the cask stuff, you can have three permanent bottles plus the full range of ONE brewery. You will also probably like to have some spirits or something else (perhaps a soft drink, maybe wine or cider or perhaps just more beer), in case the mood takes you, so you can choose three bottles of ANYTHING else you like.

Three permanent bottles
The full-range (or at least most of the range – you don’t need to say which) of bottles from ONE brewery
Three bottles of ANYTHING else

My three permanents: Orval, Pliny the Elder and Harviestoun’s Ola Dubh (I will be cheeky and allow myself a rolling change of the range).

I’d want the full bottle range from Mikkeller.

And my three OTHER bottles: Some BrewDog Tokyo* (instead of any spirits), Coke Zero (to keep Lauren happy) and water (for when I’ve had one too many).

Fantasy Pub Week! 3: The Draught Beer

You obviously have to have draught beer in your fantasy pub. That goes without saying. Maybe your dream pub has 25 ever-rotating pumps with beers from all over the world, maybe there are just two draught beers which could see you through, but for the benefit of this there are some limitations…

You can have five handpumps. Four handpumps are permanent and one is ever-changing from ONE brewery of your choice. Pick from any brewery, anywhere, still brewing or now closed. And it you’d like one or more of the taps to be kegged then go for it. But bear in mind that this isn't necessarily a list of your favourite ever beers; these are the beers which you'd most like to be able to drink whenever you go to your pub, whether is roasting hot outside or whether it's snowing. (Tomorrow it's bottled beer and I ask for a similar selection - three permanents, one full range - so bear that in mind!).

Four permanent casks (or kegs if you prefer)
One ever-changing cask but from just one brewery

Four permanents: Right now I would choose Marble Pint, Thornbridge Jaipur, Hobgoblin (or a really good mild, around 4%, but something a little bit fruity and hoppy as well as dark and roasty - any suggestions?) and, because it's my fantasy, I’d get Sam Smith’s Oatmeal Stout put in the cask.

My ever-changing handpump: would have beers from Dogfish Head (so I can work my way through their full range).

And if you haven’t done so yet then check out this post to choose Where you want it and this post to choose the People you want in there.

Fantasy Pub Week! 2: People

It’s the people that make a pub, right? Sure the beer helps but the soul of the place is set up by the people who drink there and the people who work there. This is not to be underestimated. You need a landlord, you need a barman/maid and you need regulars. And remember, as it’s a fantasy list they can be real or fictional, famous or not, dead or alive, or just choose your mates. The way I see it, the landlord is someone to chat to at the bar about anything and everything, the barmaid is a piece of ass and the regulars each have their own special qualities.

Landlord
Barman/barmaid
A few regulars, up to you how many

My Choices…
Landlord: Stephen King (I bet he’s great to chat to about sport and movies and books and life, although I’m not sure if he drinks now, but that’s okay)
Barmaid(s): I’m going for two because it’s unfair to make them work all the time – Sienna Miller and Cheryl Cole
Regulars: Lauren and my best mates and drinking buddies (all of them), some beer writers/bloggers following the GBBF fun, then Marilyn Monroe, William Shakespeare, Charles Dickens, Don Quixote and Sancho Panza, Barack Obama, Will Smith and maybe some historical figures like Plato and Julius Caesar. That should do it and that should be a lot of fun.

Fantasy Pub Week! 1: Where and What

I’m calling this Fantasy Pub Week here at Pencil&Spoon. I’ve been playing around with this idea for a month or two and now it’s coming out of the box. It leads on from Friday’s If you had to… about your fantasy beer festival line-up; this just takes it a few steps further.

I’ll post each morning with a new thing to think about each day – Where and What, Draught Beer, Bottled Beer/Others, The People and Entertainment/Extras. It’s total fantasy stuff made just for you. Forget practicalities, forget that it really should make money if it needs to survive, forget any financial limitations; the only limitations are of your imagination. And if it troubles you then you have teleporters to travel to and from the pub whenever you like. How does that sound?

The first thing is: Where is it? and What is it like? Location, location, location. Where's your dream location for a pub? In the city, in your garden, on the moon, on the beach, overlooking Lords, in a fictional city… anywhere. And what's the view like? What can you see? And then what does it look like inside. Do you want sofas or benches, a large bar or small one...?

I usually put my answers in the comments section but I’ll put them up in the bulk of the post this week… For me I want it on the beach - a warm beach, white sand and crystal blue sea. The only provision is that I have complete climate control so that I can turn the temperature way down and turn on a big, open fire in the winter – nothing beats a strong stout in front of a crackling fire in winter. The pub itself would be open fronted in summer and leading straight onto the beach with an amazing sunset. It has a wooden floor and a horse-shoe bar in the middle. The tables are casual and wooden and graffitied with different-coloured marker pens. There will be old movie posters and pump clips on the white walls.In the winter the front closes up and the fire roars in the back with big, comfy sofas.

Where is your Fantasy Pub and What does it look like?

If you had to...

I thought I was done with the beer festival stuff for a while but there’s one more thing to ask and it only feels right to do it in my own favourite way: An If you had to…

Imagine the most recent beer festival you went to, whether it was the GBBF or a small local one. If you are like me you probably checked the beer list online before turning up. There are familiar names and unfamiliar ones. Some make you shout ‘I gotta get some of that’, others don’t even register. You plot out a little route through the beers you want, starting there, then that one, then that or one. You get there. You see the lines of silver casks, see the printed cards telling you the brewery, the beer name and the ABV. There are as many casks as you’d want or expect depending on the size of the place. But at the far end is a new bar, one not advertised online. This is a special bar with three last-minute additions. But, and this is the question, If you had to choose, which three beers would you want to see on cask sitting behind that bar?

Any three beers from any where. These are the three dream beers that you’d want to see right now. This is total fantasy stuff but it doesn’t have to be super-rare or one-off, it can simply be a favourite beer that you’d love to see at every beer festival you go to. What do they have? And, for a little extra fun, if this Friday begins to drag, who would be the person serving the beer to you? Anyone, male or female, dead or alive, a hero or just someone really fit.

If you had to...

I posted here about the best beers available in the supermarket, suggesting that Meantime’s IPA and London Porter were my then-choices. I think I’m changing my mind. And following yesterday’s FAB POW! post you might know what to: Orval. It’s a fantastic beer and I can get it in the supermarket.

Which, in a round-about way, leads me onto this: If you could choose, or if you had to choose, one bottled beer that you’d want available in the supermarket near you, but which isn’t already, what would it be? You can have anything. It can be from anywhere in the world. It can be a one-off or just something which you can’t buy near you. Literally anything. It’ll be sensibly priced, not completely marked-up if it’s something rare or from far away. And you still get all the other regular beers to choose from too. Even those of you who are pub drinkers must enjoy the odd bottle or two at home, but what’s the one. But you can only choose one extra to sit on those shelves so pick carefully!

If you had to...

Hoorah! I go on holiday to Santorini next week and I can’t wait. Two weeks of sun, sea, girlfriend, reading, swimming and continental lager. And I will drink a bucket load of ice cold Mythos, sitting on the beach, in the hot sun… there’s nothing better. I’ve had Mythos in London and it was terrible but over there it’s something else. But I know this for sure: at some point I’ll have a serious craving for big hops. No matter how much I love Mythos, there will be a couple of times that I just need a hop fix to feed the junkie in me.

We’ve paid for extra luggage allowance and I’ve decided to take less clothes so that I can fit in a couple of bottles of beer to drink while I’m out there, which I think is a sensible move. Realistically I think I can squeeze in three or four bottles. But the question is this… what bottles do I take?! Or, If you could choose… Which three or four bottles would you take away on a two week beach holiday? Choose realistically from the beers you’ve got or can easily get.

I still haven’t decided on what I’m taking yet… Do I want all IPAs? Do I want something big and dark and strong? Do I want something refreshing yet complex like Orval? Do I want to take special bottles or standard ones? What the bloody hell do I do?! I’ve mentioned before my difficulty at choosing beers, so how will I manage to pick just a few to last for two weeks?!

If you had to...

We’re pretty much halfway through the year now and I want to know: If you had to… Which beer has defined the first half of 2009 for you?

Maybe it’s the beer that you’ve drunk the most of? Maybe it was just a one-off beer that has a great memory or story attached to it? Maybe it was the night you drank too many pints of it and had the best night ever, creating a beer memory to last forever? It could be new or old, rare or everywhere. Whatever it is, pick the one beer that stands above all the others for the first six months of 2009.

And have a great weekend all - I'll be splitting mine between The Bull (for Epic Halcyon) and Brighton (Evening Star here I come).

If you had to...

An If you had to… of sorts this week, asking what you eat when you are hungover? It’s not asking you to choose just the one this time, I just want to know what you eat post-beer.

This comes the morning after the night before. Last night I was at a preview of the Best of the Best beer festival at The Bull with Brad and James from Ale Affinity and Pete from Pete’s Food Blog and I am thoroughly hungover and feel like hell (the beer was shit hot though!). I've got to go to work soon but might as well not bother because I pretty much won’t get anything done except for a lot of staring out the window (into a bush) mournfully, hoping the headache and swirling gut will bugger off before I’m back at the pub to later. (Oh the things I do for this blog!)

But here’s the thing, what do I want to eat? What’s the one thing that will sort me out in this time of need? What disgusting trashy feast will lift my spirits? And what do you eat? Are you a coffee and fry up? Bacon sandwich? Tea and toast? Cold pizza? Hair of the dog?

What is the one thing guaranteed to sort you out when you are hungover?

Yes, I am aware that I just used the term ‘shit hot’ to describe the beer last night. While I like to adopt a generally colloquial tone in this blog I feel this may be a step too far. Maybe I am still drunk?

If you had to...

Sandwiches are probably my favourite food group. This If you had to… is dedicated to the glory of the sandwich, which is one of the best things there is to go with a beer.

For me, a sandwich works for any meal, at any time. This is a trait that it shares with bowls of cereal and slices of cheese on toast; they are all any time foods. Sandwiches can be savoury or sweet, hot or cold. They are the perfect use for anything leftover. In fact, there are few things which can’t be made into a sandwich. Seriously, think of anything and then think of it in between two slices of bread… it just kinda works universally.

But, If you had to... choose only one sandwich to eat for the rest of your days then what would it be?

You can have any sandwich you like and you can have unlimited quantities of it, but you can only choose one.

If you had to...

Here’s a question to see where your beer allegiance lies.

I’ve had a lot of really excellent British beer this year. The most memorable being: Thornbridge’s Jaipur, Bracia and Handel; Dark Star’s Six Hop; Fuller’s London Porter and their Vintage; BrewDog’s Punk IPA, Storm and Tokyo. Most of the recent bottles that I’ve bought are from the US and some of the best beers I’ve had, period, are from the US: AleSmith IPA, Sierra Nevada Pale Ale, anything by Stone, Goose Island Bourbon County Stout, Pliny the Elder. And then there have been some brilliant European beers, some Mikkellers, an earth-moving Struise Black Albert and classics like Chimay Blue and Rochefort 10.

So I’ve enjoyed excellent beer from three main regions: the UK, the US and Europe. And here’s the question… You can only drink beer from one of these three regions for the rest of your drinking days, where will your beer be coming from? The UK, the US or Europe? (Or, if you must be troublesome, you can select the rest of the world to include everywhere that isn’t the UK, US or Europe. And before any smart-arse says, I know the UK is in Europe, just play along, you know what I mean)

If you had to...

Right, I’m feeling mischievous so time for another ‘If you had to…’ This week it’s partly inspired by the BrewDog showcase which is happening at The Bull in Horton Kirby, Kent (I am so flipping excited about this that I’m considering leaving now and arriving early so that I don’t miss it!). From Thursday 2nd April until it runs out - probably Sunday 5th, at the latest - they will have the following on cask or stillage: Trashy Blonde, Zeitgeist, Punk IPA, Chaos Theory, RipTide, Paradox Isle of Arran and Divine Rebel. That’s mega cool!

I haven’t had Divine Rebel yet (it’s a 12.5% barley wine brewed with the gypsy beer warrior that is Mikkeller) but all the others I am very familiar with and some are among the best beers I’ve tried in the last few months (RipTide and Isle of Arran in particular, and I can’t wait to compare cask Punk to cask Jaipur). But I have only ever had BrewDog from the bottle so getting them from the cask is going to be a wicked new experience for me.

So, I’ve had these beers but I’m eager to drink them again (I’ve got a Punk open right now and it's goooood). I’ve got bottles of all of them in the house and whenever they run out they get topped up quickly. BrewDog have also got a few new beers on the way which I am really looking forward to - Zephyr, the Atlantic IPA, a collaboration with Stone and Cambridge and a Black IPA. All of these I will buy and try as soon as they are released. But the question is, in a round-a-bout way relevant to everything I’ve written…

If you had too… would you choose to never again have a beer which you’ve already had, or, never have a new beer again, only being allowed to drink what you’ve already drunk before? (and if you choose to go with only having new beers from now on then once you've had it you can have it again and again, if you wish)

In other words, are you happy to choose from what you’ve already had or do you want to try new things? But if you choose the new only then you have to give up all the beers which you've had before! This is a really tough one, I think!

I got a load of these but if you’ve got any you want to suggest then feel free and I’ll add it to the list! And if you want to come to the showcase then get the train to Farningham Road and use google maps to get there, it's pretty easy, about a 15 minute walk. I'll be there on Thursday (with the chaps from Ale Affinity) and Friday evenings I hope. Email me if you want directions.

If you had to...

It’s Thirsty Thursday so let’s throw out another If you had to… conundrum.

It’s inspired by my evening at the London Drinker last night. The two beers at the top of my hit list were Thornbridge’s Jaipur and Fuller’s London Porter (cask!). Two fantastic beers with similar ABVs (5.9 and 5.4 respectively) but two completely different beers. So…

If you had to... would you rather drink Pale beers or Dark beers for the rest of your drinking days?

No arguments about the spectrum of brown, I’m ignoring that, this is: Pale Beer (lagers, IPAs, golden ales, etc. – anything lighter than amber) vs. Dark Beer (mild, dark ales, stout, porter, etc. – we all know Wychwood’s Hobgoblin, so anything darker than that). Go!

If you had to...

Would you rather never have a beer under 6% ever again or never have a beer over 6% ever again?

Make a snap judgement. Do you value the session beer over the non-sessionable?

If you had to...

Here’s a fun game. It's called ‘If you had to…’ aka ‘Would you rather…’ aka 'What would you do if...' and so on. Just read the question and answer it!

This question comes in response to the Brewers Association Style Guide for 2009 which lists a whopping 138 different styles! 138?! That’s nuts! Check out the list.

If you had to... choose only one style of beer to drink for the rest of your life, and you only had one minute to decide, what would it be? Go! (Don’t try and pick one from the list, you’ll run out of time before you even pass the British styles!)