James Carter

In my years as a consultant, there's only ever 2 things that cause a client to leave: 1) You're not sending them enough cat videos Sending unsolicited cat videos always does wonders for client relationships. I always make a point to include a couple per month, and I often feature our cat, Lazarus von Purzalot, on zoom calls. 2) Your client doesn't like cats If your client doesn't like cats you need to have a frank discussion with them about the ongoing business relationship, and help them discover the error of their ways. It is, after all a privilege to do business with cat owners. At least, that's what Lazarus told me.

I am inspired in my client relationships by our cat, Lazarus von Purzalot. He just doesn't give a crap. He simply relies on soft fur, a soothing purr and a few back flips to keep us happy. In the same way, I rely on my stunning good looks, soothing voice and perform a few back flips as needed. It works a charm for all but the most discerning clients. For them, I actually have to do work.

What is extremely important is persistence in implementing EQ policies. We have one particular employee, Lazarus von Purzalot, who does not give a flying crap about EQ, with extremely low empathy skills. He regularly steals the boss's office chair, meows incessantly to be let out during important zoom calls and is far more interested in chasing butterflys than working. We have had many clear, specific, behaviour focused conversations on how to improve his performance, yet each time he gives you the side eye, then just gets up and walks off. Using loving compassionate tones makes him purr, but there's no behavior change. For us, this is still a works in progress and we are determined for Lazarus to become a high performer.

I like to quote the words of famous management consultant Meghan Trainor: I am your boss, you listen to me Stop all that mansplainin', no one's listening Tell me, who gave you the permission to speak? I am your boss, you listen to me Mister big boy, pullin' up in your big toy Sayin' all that blah-blah-blah, makin' all that big noise 'Cause you're so frustrated, emasculated 'Cause you got your shit called out Yet your opinion's so strong even when you're wrong Bet that feels like power to you Must've forgot who you're talkin' to I am your boss, you listen to me

The latest focus I've seen in developing project management goals is called SMARTass goals. They work similarly, with a new emphasis on accountability. As follows: SPECIFIC - Make sure you have a specific person to blame when it all goes pear shaped MEASURABLE - Measure the opportunities for improvement for everyone else, and make them loudly known ATTAINABLE - Ensure you attain as much credit as possible for the things that did work REALISTIC - Keep any blame you cast on others as at least partially true so that others will believe you TIME BOUND - Ensure a meeting is booked with senior management at key intervals where you can explain goals you achieved and where everyone else crapped out.

The one thing I have found very helpful is to invest in and prominently place horse whips and cattle prodders in your office. It is especially important to make sure they are seen in the background of Zoom calls for remote staff. This is an excellent non verbal way of communicating expectations, clearly defining roles and setting expectations of responsibilities and focus. It also speeds up resolution of issues and significantly improves output. A real game changer every manager should adopt to assist their career rise towards senior leadership.