Intro:

Nice guys are sexier than 6 pack abs to women as long as that niceness is complemented with true core confidence and being in touch with the real core authentic you. Welcome to the dating transformation podcast. Here's your host, dating coach, Connell Barrett.

Connell Barrett:

Welcome back to the how to get a girlfriend podcast. I am your host, dating coach, Connell Barrett. I'm here to help you learn to flirt, gain confidence, and get a fantastic girlfriend all by being authentic. No sketchy, toxic, weird pickup moves needed. And let me ask you a question or 2. Do you struggle with going for the first kiss? Is that really scary for you? Are your text messages kind of boring and you get ghosted sometimes? Do you just hate dating? Have you ever just wanted to quit and just give up on dating? Well, in today's episode, I'm gonna help you fix these core frustrations and 2 more. We're gonna tackle 5 common dating frustrations that so many men struggle with. And I'll bet you struggle with some of these issues or have.

Think of this as asking the dating coach because all of these questions today come from guys just like you who have sent me messages either on YouTube, Instagram, or email me at [email protected]. So here we go. Let's tackle 5 of the biggest frustrations. We'll start with a question from Derek on Instagram. Derek asked me, hey, Connell. I am not sure how to use emojis when texting. I wanna use them, but I don't know if I should use them or if I'll come across like, sounding like a kid, a teenager, but my texts are boring. Do you have any tips? Okay.

Texting tips on how to use emojis. Back in the day, I used to resist using emojis when texting women. I just thought real men don't eat quiche and real men don't emoji, but I was wrong. When used properly, emojis make you a better flirty or texter, and that means more dates. It's really about finding the right balance. So you can text women and sound like a man but still sound emotionally compelling to them, but not like, like, you know, like a total teenage girl? LOL. So here are 10 emoji rules to help you flirt over text. Here we go.

Emoji rule number 1. Let's say you get a woman's number or you matched on an app. End your first message to her with the winky emoji. In real life, winking falls somewhere between awkward and restraining order, But in emoji land, it sets a light flirty tone. Emoji rule number 2. Use emojis roughly every other text and max out at 2 emojis per message, unless she sends you a sexy selfie, in which case, show your appreciation with multiple heart eye emojis. Emoji rule number 3, only use peach, eggplant, or volcano emoji as a joke, never as a way to get sexual and giant happy smiling emoji that feels over eager. Now, the exception to that is when you use that emoji with some irony.

I recently sent a text to my girlfriend, which is a quote, looks like I need a root canal, a giant emoji, and a smiling emoji. So I use it with irony. Alright. Here's emoji rule number 4. Puns pair really well with emojis, so use puns. Let's say your crush agrees to getting drinks with you and you're psyched, and she says, hey. How about Thursday? Don't respond simply with a yes when you could respond with dolphinately, including a dolphin emoji. It's just adorable.

Emoji rule number 5 when texting women, don't slip her the tongue emoji. Don't do it. She will not get turned on. She will only think of slobber. Emoji texting rule number 6, how to use red hearts. Red hearts mean romantic love. So in the first several dates, avoid using them inside of text messages. But you can use red hearts as tap backs when you approve of something that she writes.

So go ahead and use those hearts as tap backs. Speaking of tap backs, feel free to hear your own comment when you write to her something that you like. This shows a cheekiness sort of a self effacing, falsely arrogant cheekiness that a lot of women find attractive.

I'm gonna read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women. Get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm, and attract your dream girlfriend. Right? But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps, and desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news. Dating coach, Connell Barrett, can help.

He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and help them attract their dream girlfriends. So book a free strategy call today to see if Connell's coaching is right for you. On your call, Connell or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, more dates, and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self, a charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks. He unlocks your most confident self so you can make authentic romantic connections. Your next steps? Book your free call today at dating transformation.comforward/contact, and grab a time that works for you. Then you'll be on your way to more confidence, better results, and attracting bright, beautiful women.

Oh, so you know, soon Connell will stop taking on new clients. So book a call today while you still can. Go to dating .comforward/contact and transform your love life. Bye.

Emoji texting rule number 8, Never give her the thumbs up emoji. It comes off as too businesslike or maybe dismissive. So it does not come across as flirty. So use the thumbs up only to confirm a job interview, not to confirm a date. My client, Vikram, thumbs upped a Hinge date he was messaging with, and she ghosted him immediately. Emoji texting move number 9. As a playful tease, you can thumbs down her comment when she says something patently absurd. So for example, if she writes to you, Michael Buble is a musical genius, give that a thumbs down.

It's a good playful way to tease using emojis. And texting emoji move number 10, when cracking a joke or teasing her, use the upside down smiling emoji or the angular laughing emoji where the, the, the laughing emoji is sort of an angle. This lets her know that you're kidding. The first rule of using humor and texting, it's not to be funny. The first rule of using humor is to be clear. You wanna make sure you're clear that you're being funny. And a well placed emoji clarifies your playful intent so that you won't accidentally come across as being mean. And here's a bonus emoji tip.

Here's one more emoji tip when texting women. Break any of these rules after you and she sleep together for the first time. Make her feel great about her decision to become intimate with you. So you can write something like, wow, last night was just wow, peach emoji, eggplant emoji, rocket chip emoji, unicorn emoji, laughing emoji, frog emoji, wizard emoji. You can cram in all the emojis you want. Make her feel great about getting intimate with you. Okay. Next question.

We're gonna tackle dating frustration number 2, which is coming off as too nice, quote unquote too nice, coming off as too nice. This question comes from Randy. Randy asked me this, help. I'm trapped in the manosphere. Is it true that women really only wanna date alpha males? Like all those guys on Reddit's red pill say. Okay. Great question, Randy. Bottom line is I would rather swallow a warm red bull than swallow the red pill.

So the red pill is a Reddit community where frustrated men go to air their loathing toward women, and bad advice flows there like poison into men's ears. It's the epicenter of the so-called manosphere. The manosphere is a network of websites that traffic in, quote unquote, men's rights issues. Basically it's men, angry men ranting and sharing toxic advice on picking up women, and it's a bad place to be. So let me bust a big myth, a dating myth that gets a lot of play in the manosphere, which is this idea that women want to be with an alpha male. Many guys have bought into this concept. The truth is, though, alpha males aren't a thing. They literally don't exist.

Alpha males do not exist in nature. The idea of the alpha male, it first gained credence in the 19 seventies when this wildlife biologist named L. David Mech, who is an expert in wolves, wrote a book, and this book documented the existence of alpha wolves in the wild, so called. 2 decades after his book came out, he tried to replicate the findings, but he could not do it. And he was horrified. It turns out the quote unquote alpha behavior that he thought he had observed was simply mom and dad wolves caring for their little pups. So Meck renounced his original findings, but by then it was too late. This myth of the alpha had cemented into conventional wisdom about wolves, and then it spread into conventional wisdom about men and women.

And that has informed a lot of really bad dating advice. There is actually no concrete scientific evidence for alpha males getting to mate with all the females in any animals, including humans. So let's take our relatives, our close relatives, the chimpanzees. Studies show that the aggressive chimp doesn't necessarily become the group leader, and that smaller, more docile chimps can become the dominant chimp by not being quote, unquote masculine, but by completing feminine tasks like grooming other chimps. So for example, my girlfriend likes it when I paint her toenails pink. Just saying. So and by the way, I wanna clarify something here. Yes.

There are certain traits that are absolutely important that an alpha male might say you need. Traits like assertiveness, courage, boldness, these are essential in dating when used at the right time and in the right measure. What woman doesn't like a confident man? Right? But this idea of the alpha male is a myth and it's a troublesome one. Here's why. At worst, this whole alpha male myth can make a good guy like you see himself as a quote betta male or a quote unquote simp, like they talk about on the red pill, and this crushes his confidence. And this, alpha construct also stifles true growth and encourages a good solid nice guy to start to view women as targets to conquer, like the pickup artist guys teach, rather than people to connect with. That's it. That's the worst.

At best, this whole alpha male myth leads to wearing Axe body spray, chest bumping, and saying things like, brah, baller. So here's your move. Here's what I recommend. Drop the alpha mask. It doesn't work. Yes. There are absolutely times when you should take decisive action, make a move, But studies show that non-alpha qualities like kindness and generosity are the key indicators of fulfilling relationships. You just wanna compliment those, quote, unquote, soft traits with some steel.

Confident flirting, approaching, being direct, being real, and of course, summoning the courage to be authentic. So anyway, like you, Randy, I'm a really nice guy. I'm the nicest guy in the world. I say, please. I say, thank you. I sometimes volunteer with blind people. I literally help little old ladies cross the street. I'm not saying this to impress you.

I'm actually trying to impress upon you an elemental dating truth, which is that nice guys are sexy to women. Nice guys are sexier than 6 pack abs to women. As long as that niceness is complimented with true core confidence and being in touch with the real core authentic you. So lose the alpha mask. To borrow a phrase from John Updike, it's a mask that eats into the face. Okay. Let's talk about dating frustration number 3, a lack of matches on the apps. Oh, man.

I used to be there. I know all about that. Okay. We got a question from Rob. Rob asks hey, Connell. Oh, Rob's in Tennessee. Connell, I struggle on the apps to get matches and get connections going. Do you think it's my photos? I have 3 photos of me fishing, but a friend said that fishing photos were overused and cliches.

Should I oh, any advice on what I should do? Great question, Rob. Give those fish photos the hook and replace them with good quality portraits of you well dressed, looking sharp, and looking dashing. Think GQ, not Field and Stream. In other words, it's not you, Rob. It's the halibut you're holding. Okay. Frustration number 4. We have a great question here.

Oh, man. This is a heavy, heavy, powerful question. Okay. Get ready. Frustration number 4 is feeling so down on dating that you wanna quit. You want to give up on love and just quit. Here's a question from anonymous. Okay.

Connell, I'm 50, and I've failed in my love life. I've never had a relationship. I'm so lonely. I truly yearn to find love, but I have wasted 35 years and 1,000 of dollars on therapy, coaches, and matchmakers. Nothing has worked. I'm done. How can I reduce the suffering and move on with my life? That's from anonymous. Anonymous, my heart breaks for good men like you who struggle to find the love of a wonderful woman.

Life is meant to be shared with somebody special, so you should not have to be lonely. So it should not be this way. I went through similar struggles. I was largely dateless deep into my thirties. I was lonely, and I remember the night that I almost gave up on dating. I was in Miami attending a 10 day dating boot camp with my coach at the time. Now these are boot camps where you go out for 6, 7, 7 or 8 straight nights in a row, and you just go out and talk to women. And I'd gone out for 9 straight nights in South Beach, Miami, And I was struggling big time.

Rejections, anxiety, self judgment. I was watching other guys who were taking the program, hooking up with girls, having fun, just feeling really free. They were succeeding, and I was just in my head in the corner. And, that wasn't just in my head. I was renting a timeshare up there. I remember after one really tough night out, I was so frustrated that when I got back to my hotel, I repeatedly banged my head against the elevator wall over and over again. Thanks. Thanks.

Thanks. And, the wall won. I lost. And so it was the final day of the program, the final day of a 10 day program, and I went to my coach. We sit down in my hotel lounge, and I say to him, I'm done. I'm flying home. I'm going back to New York. Women don't like me.

I quit. I cannot approach girls. He said, don't give up. He said, I'm quoting, I'm paraphrasing here, but he basically said, you may not realize what a great catch you are. Don't stop now. You're close to a breakthrough. Come out tonight, and let's work on it. So I decided to give it one more try.

So it was a Saturday night, my last night of a 10 day program. I'm in the Fontainebleau Hotel in the lobby of the Fontainebleau Hotel in Miami, And that's when it happened. I had my breakthrough. This was my big moment, at least with approaching. So I made some adjustments in how I was talking to women. And in that lobby bar at the Fontainebleau Hotel, it all came together. I got three numbers from 3 different women in under an hour. Rejection, ghosting, loneliness, lack of dates, and lack of confidence. For many men, dating just sucks, but it doesn't have to. There's a simple yet powerful way to gain instant confidence and attract a great girlfriend. Be radically authentic. It's all laid out in the number one Amazon bestselling book. Dating sucks, but you don't. Your step by step guide to attracting wonderful women and doing it with total authenticity. Author and dating coach, Connell Barrett, has had and fixed all the dating problems that you struggle with.

He's also helped thousands of men gain confidence and find love. He's put his best tips and strategies into dating sucks, but you don't so that you can confidently approach women and get dates. Become magnetic and attractive even if you're not tall or great looking. Always know what to say to make sparks fly. Get lots of great matches and dates on the dating apps, and attract your dream woman. You can find dating sucks, but you don't on Amazon or wherever books are sold in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook. Getting dating sucks, but you don't today to transform your confidence and find your dream girl. And then I met and clicked with this young lady named Jackie. Really bright, witty, cute graduate student who was going to school there in Florida. We had instant chemistry, and we basically spent the night together. In fact, the stars were really aligned that night. It turns out that Jackie and I were both staying at the same hotel. So it was so easy to go from the Fontainebleau to going back to the hotel where we could hang out. There was one that made it even easier. And it was a win I really needed.

I needed that win so badly. And that gave me hope and momentum to keep going out and socializing. And over the next 2 to 3 months, I took my approaching confidence success game quote unquote to the next level. And it was a couple months later, I was at a rooftop lounge in New York when I met Carrie. This architect, a wonderful woman who I began dating and I would soon fall for. We became a couple. So if I had quit that night in Miami, it would have cost me Carrie, would have cost me the love of my life at that time. So if you quit now anonymously, it may cost you the love of your life. And I believe she's out there if you don't give up and if you stay resilient. So in your letter to me, you said that you're done with love, But here's the thing, love isn't done with you. We all need love. And if you give up on finding it, you're giving up on something that makes life worth living. So sure, you can quit, but that yearning for love is not gonna stop. It's wired into you. It's wired into all of us. We all need love.

Now, look, I don't know you personally, but I do know men. And I believe that any good hearted guy can fix his dating problems and find love if he stays resourceful and keeps trying new things. Because you might be 1 or 2 tweaks away from having your breakthrough. You might be one date away from your breakthrough. It only takes one woman to change your life. There's a famous quote from Hemingway's book, The Sun Also Rises. The world breaks everyone, and afterward, many are strong at the broken places. Dating has broken you.

I felt broken too. I felt like a failure who wasn't enough to find someone, but I now see that I wasn't a failure. I was actually a hero being tested on a journey. And the foes that I faced and vanquished, self doubt, anxiety, fear, those struggles helped me build a cathedral of confidence that I still have to this very day. I got stronger because of the problems, not in spite of them. So you are not a failure unless you give up, so don't. Don't give up. Be a hero.

Be a man of action who wants something wonderful, love, and who keeps pursuing it, and do it with resilience and heart. You won't only find love. You'll emerge on the other side as a better man who's stronger at the broken places. Alright. Let's go with flirting frustration or dating frustration number 5. Here we go. Dating frustration number 5, being too afraid to go for the first kiss. Here we go. This question comes from Gerald Connell. How do I go in for that first kiss? It is so hard for me. I have never gone for a first kiss on a first date, and I keep getting stuck in the friend zone. What should I do? Okay, Gerald. Great question. You're on a date. It's going well. You wanna kiss her so bad, and then you play, what if? You know, what if she turns the cheek? What if she doesn't like me? What if I creep her out? Well, listen, those are all stories in your head and you've got to quiet those stories and take the right action.

So here are 3 make out moves you can use to help you lock lips on your next first date. Make out move number 1, look her in the eye and say, I wanna kiss you. Saying, I want to kiss you to a woman conveys a lot more confidence than shyly asking, may I kiss you? Directness is hot. Directness is hot. So if she says something like go ahead, then you're good. If she demures, says, oh, I barely know you. No sweat. Keep talking with her.

She might not be ready to be kissed yet. Every woman has her own timetable for that first kiss. Here's make out move number 2. Say, close your eyes. You look at her lips for an extra second or 2, and you say, close your eyes. If she lowers her lids, she's saying, kiss me, you fool. Go in. If she doesn't close her eyes, all good. The idea of kissing is now on her mind, and you have dialed up the romantic sparks, and you could be making out a few minutes later. Here is make out move number 3 for that first kiss. I call this the kiss bridge. Here's how it works. This one is super smooth. During a conversation, listen for a detail to use as a verbal bridge to that first kiss. So for example, let's say she's talking about her summer plans to take a yoga class. You would look at her and say, well, you know what happens to women who take yoga.

She'll say what? You say they get kissed, and then you move in to lock lips. Let's say she just got a big promotion. You'd look at her and say, well, you know what happens to women who get promoted. What? She says, they get kissed, you say, and then you move in. So use the kiss bridge to let her know that that kiss is coming. It's really smooth. Women like it, and it makes you feel like, Hey, I can go in for the kiss anytime I want to. Take a nice romantic walk on the kiss bridge. Okay. That does it for today's episode. I hope you enjoyed it. By the way, if you would like to talk to me about possibly helping you with your dating life, it's really easy. Go to dating transformation.com, click the book a call button, and you can possibly speak, perhaps to me where I can help you come up with a plan, a roadmap to help you gain confidence, flirt with charm, get a lot of dates, and get an amazing girlfriend. Anyway, you can go to dating transformation.com and book a call with me that way. Until next time, remember your dream girlfriend. She's out there. She just has to meet the real authentic you.

Bye. Thank you for listening to the dating transformation podcast. For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies, go to datingtransformation.com. See you next time.

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