The Real Problem With ‘Pretty In Pink’: Why Can’t Andie Have It All?

Today is Jon Cryer‘s birthday, which is as good an excuse as any to think about Pretty in Pink. I mean, I think about Pretty in Pink often even when it’s not one of the stars’ birthdays, but I suppose it’s necessary to have a reason to write about it. The 1986 teen romantic comedy, written by John Hughes, is still a great movie and provides us with one of the most important teenage role models in movie history: Andie Walsh (Molly Ringwald), the cool high school senior from the wrong side of the tracks who falls hard for the pretty and preppy Blane McDonough (Andrew McCarthy).

But there’s always been one big thing that has bugged me about Pretty in Pink. The central conflict is that Annie, date-less for the senior prom, is hoping for Blane to ask her to the dance. Meanwhile, her best friend Duckie (played with manic and quirky brilliance by the aforementioned Cryer) totally carries a torch for her, but he doesn’t have the balls to ask her out — that is, until he realizes his competition in Blane.

Only making this more complicated is Blane’s best friend, Steff McKee, played by a smarmy, yet gorgeous, James Spader. Steff tries to persuade Blane to avoid Andie; she’s below his social station, after all. Steff thinks Andie’s the kind of girl you bang behind closed doors, but he’d never take her out in public. And he makes a pass at Andie himself — partially as an attempt to keep Andie and Blane apart, and also because he’s a horny teen.

But the movie has a happy ending: Andie discovers the self-assurance to go to the prom alone (in her own crafted pink gown, even), where she meets up with Duckie, who essentially hands her over to Blane as if he’s presenting his daughter to future son-in-law at their wedding, and all is well because Andie made the right choice and got to end up with the hot preppy guy instead of her weird, nerdy best friend.

And that’s where I call BULLSHIT.

First of all, can we just admit that Andie shouldn’t have to choose between anyone at all? And accept that she and Blane lasted, oh, eight to ten weeks together tops? Because, let’s be honest: who still talks to their high school sweetheart, much less is still together with him or her? We all know that Andie and Blane grew apart, and that in no way were they “meant to be” or whatever. Why stress for teenagers that these romantic decisions will actually affect the rest of these characters’ lives?

Furthermore, I know there are some people who think that Andie and Duckie should have ended up together. Fuuuuuck that! The original ending of the film actually saw the best friends hooking up, and test audiences rightly hated it. It’s not realistic! Most rational humans would go for Blane over Duckie. It’s not just about looks, it’s also about style and about how Duckie, bless his heart, is annoying.

But you know what? That’s not how Andie should have played it at all. Use your head, girl!

Andie should have fucked Duckie. Throw the kid a bone, practice on something easy and nice and comfortable, and then have the notch on your belt to show for it.

Then: go after Blane. Beautiful, sweet, kinda dumb Blane. He’s handsome, probably as good in bed as any eighteen-year-old man could possibly be, and a righteous preppy trophy to place upon Andie’s shelf of sexual conquests. You work out the kinks, so to speak, with Duckie, and move right on to Blane. You take your time with a guy like Blane. You savor that. And then you let it go, because, guess what? There will be more Blanes. (Unfortunately there will also be more Duckies.)

But here’s where Andie really went wrong: she should have let Steff woo her. She should have relented to his charms — at least letting him think he was in control, that he was landing some prize that was otherwise unattainable. The joke would be on Steff: Steff’s a loser, a total narcissistic moron who only thinks about himself. Sure, he might brag about Andie being some easy lay (because he thinks everyone’s an easy lay, you know), but in real life it’s Andie who will have the last laugh (most likely with Annie Pott’s Iona back in the record store) as she recounts how, in the course of a single semester of high school, she bedded three dudes and is ready for the rest of her life to begin — a life that will be full of options who are better than what the North Shore suburbs of Chicago have to offer.

There’s more to life for Andie. I just wish she had known it — and that Pretty in Pink had actually shown it

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Photos: Everett Collection