Fun
Frisky
Nostalgic
Intense
Adventurous
Choked Up
Curious
Romantic
Weird
I have never seen a Disney movie.
Pocahontas was still in theaters when I was born. I finished kindergarten as Lilo & Stich premiered. And when The Princess and the Frog joined the esteemed ranks of animated Disney features, I was right the middle of middle school. But, somehow, I made it through my childhood (and high school AND college) without seeing a single animated Disney movie.
No, I don’t hate fun. Yes, my parents love me! In a pre-streaming world, my family just didn’t bother buying VHS copies of Beauty and the Beast or Alice in Wonderland. My mom insists that I have seen the 1970 feature The Aristocats, but the only memory I have from that title is an image of a scary cat playing jazz in sunglasses.
Snapshots from a childhood without Disney:
- When I was seven I learned to play “I Can Show You The World” from Aladdin on my new light-up keyboard, but I didn’t know what that song was so I told everyone that it was the theme from Titanic.
- My best friend Leyli had her very own Ariel-themed TV on which she watched The Little Mermaid every afternoon. For some reason, I declined every invitation to watch with her and instead chose to read The Wizard of Oz or Forrest Gump. (They were books first!) I have never seen those movies either, by the way. I never pictured Forrest looking anything like Tom Hanks.
- I thought the old baboon was the main character from The Lion King. I mean, come on! A crowd of animals bow to him!
But even in the Disney-obsessed culture of the American Midwest, I could make it by without a wealth of Mickey Mouse knowledge. If my friends belted “I’ll Make a Man Out of You” from Mulan, I’d smile and pretend to sing along. I’ve also picked up a lot of ancillary Disney knowledge just by being an avid consumer of pop culture. For example, I know that Ariel is a fish queen who’s mad at her dad. I know Snow White hates apples and Cinderella loves pumpkins. Also, Robin Williams plays a silly blue ghost in one of the older ones? Okay, maybe I don’t know that much. But I’m not a monster! At least I know all the words to “Let It Go”! That’s the song from the one about the feminist winter princess and her snowman boyfriend.
So I missed the chance to have a childhood filled with empowering female ballads and lessons about animal friendship. I’m trying to do better now. I thought that Disney stuff would just go away as I entered adulthood, but it turns out adults are way more obsessed with this stuff than kids are. An encyclopedic Disney obsession is now a Millennial requirement. And if, God forbid, someone takes me to Disneyland, I need to have some frame of reference, because I haven’t seen Harry Potter or Star Wars either, so I can’t just wait it out in those sections of the park.
It’s time for me to reverse engineer a childhood. I’m going to start by watching Moana.
Here’s My First Time watching…Disney’s Moana.
I like that Disney establishes the goal of the movie as early as possible so I know what I’m getting into. Girl will join forces with a demigod and save the world? Cool! Too many “adult” movies meander for 30 minutes before a clear plot line stumbles out.
Why does Disney animate its characters with enormously out of proportion eyes? Is it to show expressions better?
I’m 10 minutes in, and I’m already crying at the grandmother’s song. Be careful with my tender heart, Disney.
“How Far I’ll Go” is better than “Let it Go.” Fight me.
This movie is reminding me A LOT of the second Pokemon movie. Hear me out! In both, the “chosen one” must sail to distant and dangerous islands to restore peace. They bring a mystic item to it’s resting place to create unity and save the day. With the help of some animal best friends, of course. Look, I’m just saying that Disney blatantly stole from Pokemon ~20 years later.
How does the water in Moana look more realistic than regular water? Also, it’s a proven fact that the ocean is terrifying. It is NOT our friend. If the sea were actually anthropomorphic, I know it would throw toothy angler fish at people.
Sometimes you just feel like the chicken from Moana discovering he’s lost at sea.
When I think of Disney I think of classic love stories. So far, Moana has no romantic plot line. That’s really cool!
OH HELL YES GRANDMA’S BACK
OK I’m crying again and I need to call my grandma
I’ve read a lot of think pieces over the years about how Disney movies teach young boys and girls to be brave and follow their hearts. After watching this, I disagree. I think boys and girls are already brave and already follow their hearts. Movies like this just remind them they’re not alone.
Wow, what a journey. I can no longer scare people by telling them I don’t know anything about the Disney princesses. Moana was great! I could totally see myself pretending to be Moana in my childhood treehouse. Is that what normal kids did all these years? Pretend to be Disney characters and sing all the songs? When I was younger I forced my friends to play non-Disney games, like Titanic. I played the Titanic, and I made everyone watch me sink. I didn’t have many friends.
