2018 Hallmark Christmas Movies, Ranked By Silliness of Title

I’ve never seen a Hallmark Channel Christmas movie but I know they exist because I live in the United States of America. These movies are everywhere. This season alone Hallmark will air 37 new Christmas movies. Look, I’m no grinch, I’m not looking to steal your Christmas, but that is too many movies. Cool your jets, Hallmark. I love theatrical dynamo Lacey Chabert and the cast of Fuller House as much as the next person, but 37 of anything pop culture related is too much. You know why Back to the Future 37 has such a low rating on Rotten Tomatoes? Because it doesn’t exist! Next year you’re only allowed to air 12 holiday movies and only five of them can star former cast members from One Tree Hill.

I’m sure there are a few entertaining options in this year’s crop of seasonal mediocrity, but one glaring similarity stood out to me, an avowed Hallmark Channel novice: the movie titles. They are stunningly dull. Out of the 37, one more time for emphasis 37, movies, all but five include the word “Christmas.” Come on, Hallmark, let’s add a bit of razzmatazz to these titles!

I decided to rank this year’s Hallmark Christmas movies from worst to first based on their titles. Why? I don’t know. I gotta do something to pass the time. Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals. Let’s get to it.

Tier 5: Pa Rum Pum Pum Dumb

37. Welcome to Christmas
Starring: Jennifer Finnigan, Eric Mabius

Was This is a Christmas Movie taken?

36. Road to Christmas
Starring: Jessy Schram, Chad Michael Murray

35. Entertaining Christmas
Starring: Jodie Sweetin

What it’s probably about: Minor hockey league team owner Pat Christmas (Nick Lachey) is done playing games… games that aren’t on the ice that is. Looking to establish a new home for his minor league hockey team, The Christmas Spirits, Pat plans to move his extremely lucrative franchise to the city with the highest bidder.

The town of Mistletoe, Vermont, is in need of a miracle. The quirky hamlet is in serious financial trouble after the mayor, Rudolph St. Frosty, lost the town’s money due to a bad business deal involving a slick-talking banker from New York City. Their only hope of survival is if beloved town lawyer, Holly Evergreen (Sweetin), can defy the odds and convince the mercurial Pat Christmas to move his hockey team to Mistletoe.

If she wants to have any chance of saving her town, Holly better start Entertaining Christmas.

34. Christmas Wonderland
Starring: Emily Osment

Snooze.

33. Hope at Christmas 
Starring: Ryan Paevey, Scottie Thompson

32. Reunited at Christmas
Starring: Nikki Deloach, Mike Faiola

No. Change the setting from Vermont (I’m assuming) to the west and title this film Wild Wild Best Christmas Ever. Pronto.

31. Small Town Christmas
Starring: Kristoffer Polaha, Ashley Newbrough

Absolutely not.

30. A Majestic Christmas
Starring: Jerrika Hinton, Christian Vincent

This one was almost certainly named after an intern visited thesaurus.com.

29. Memories of Christmas
Starring: Christina Milian, Mark Taylor

I’m honestly offended by the lack of effort in these titles. Hallmark, you produce like twenty of these crummy films a day, take an extra ten holly, jolly fucking seconds to add a scintilla of effort into naming these abominations. Don’t do it for me, do it for Christmas.

28. Time for Me to Come Home for Christmas 
Starring: Josh Henderson, Megan Park

No. This literally sounds like it was named by a robot recently programmed to bore someone to death. Time. For. Me. To. Come. Home. For. Christmas. Beep. Bop. Boop.

27. Christmas at the Palace 
Starring: Merritt Patterson, Brittany Bristow

26. A Veteran’s Christmas 
Starring: Eloise Mumford, Sean Faris

25. Christmas at Grand Valley
Starring: Danica McKellar, Brennan Elliott

24. Christmas Everlasting 
Starring: Tatyana Ali, Dondre T. Whitfield

23. Christmas Bells Are Ringing
Starring: Emilie Ullerup, Josh Kelly

Tier 4: Silent Night. Holy… Crap These Titles Are Terrible

22. Christmas in Love
Starring: Brooke D’Orsay, Daniel Lissing

21. Christmas Joy
Starring: Danielle Panabaker, Matt Long

What it’s probably about: After an errant icicle injures her aunt, successful New York business person Joy Worksalot (Bethany Joy Lenz) reluctantly returns to her tiny Vermont town of Sprinkle Falls. Forced into taking time off from her vague business job that involves finance, Joy fills in as the town’s new pastry chef at her aunt’s bakery. But where there’s sweet, there’s bound to be some sour.

Joy soon discovers that small-town life can offer more than its fair share of big romantic problems when she rekindles a romance with her old high school sweetheart and town maple syrup maven Jake Man (Nick Lacey). Forced to choose between her offscreen big city boyfriend we never meet, Chad, and the one that got away, the true holiday miracle would be if this work-o-holic could find a little… Christmas Joy.

20. Christmas in Evergreen: Letters to Santa
Starring: Jill Wagner, Mark Deklin

19. Christmas on Honeysuckle Lane
Starring: Alicia Witt, Colin Ferguson

18. Once Upon a Christmas Miracle
Starring: Aimee Teegarden, Brett Dalton

Tier 3: All I Want For Christmas Is… Booooooo

17. Christmas at Graceland
Starring: Kellie Pickler, Wes Brown

The first photo is what I want Christmas in Graceland to be about. The second pic is what Christmas at Graceland is actually about.

16. Return to Christmas Creek
Starring: Tori Anderson, Stephen Huszar, Steven Weber

15. Homegrown Christmas
Starring: Lori Loughlin, Victor Webster

Homegrown Christmas? Really? Here are ten free movie titles for 2019:

Ponce De Leon’s Christmas Miracle, Christmas in November: The Santa Con, Stan Van Gundy’s Holiday Loophole, Timothy Chestnut’s Guide to Saving Christmas, Feliz Navi… Dad?!, It’s a Wonderful Lyft (sponsored by Lyft), Mandy Cane P.I.: Christmas Detective, Law & Order & Christmas, Christmas Razzle-Dazzle 4: Elves on Holiday, Here’s a Movie About Hanukkah, Ho Ho Beau: Melissa’s Finally Getting Married

14. Northern Lights of Christmas
Starring: Ashley Williams, Corey Sevier

13. Last Vermont Christmas
Starring: Erin Cahill, Justin Bruening

12. Jingle Around the Clock
Starring: Brooke Nevin, Michael Cassidy

11. Christmas Made to Order
Starring: Alexa PenaVega

A holiday movie about Sheetz?! Hey, gang. Look who’s finally getting it.

Tier 2: It’s A Wonderful Life But Only A Slightly Above Average Title

10. When Calls the Heart: The Greatest Christmas Blessing
Starring: Erin Krakow, Lori Loughlin, Jack Wagner, Daniel Lissing

This jumble of mismatched words make zero sense, but I genuinely appreciate that they at least tried to create an interesting title. Also, those two look like they belong on top of a wedding cake at the most unimaginative marriage ceremony in recorded Canadian history.

09. A Godwink Christmas
Starring: Starring: Tori Anderson, Stephen Huszar, Steven Weber

08. A Gingerbread Romance
Starring: Tia Mowry-Hardrict, Duane Henry

07. Midnight Kiss
Starring: Carlos PenaVega, Adelaide Kane

Why is Midnight Kiss ranked so high? Mostly because it’s one of the five films on this list that doesn’t use the term “Christmas” in its title. Plus, I’m in on anything that offers the possibility of Santa frenching.

06. Christmas at Pemberley Manor
Starring: Jessica Lowndes, Michael Rady

Tier 1: Joy To The World This Article Is Almost Over!

05. Marrying Father Christmas
Starring: Erin Krakow, Niall Matter, Wendie Malick

If this isn’t the Hallmark Christmas movie where Santa finally fucks, I’m going to be extremely disappointed.

04. It’s Christmas, Eve
Starring: LeAnn Rimes, Tyler Hines

I know that I, an adult man writing about Christmas movie titles, have taken Hallmark, a beloved, extremely successful corporation, down a couple of pegs with my trenchant, very original criticism, but this title is honestly brilliant.

03. Mingle All the Way
Starring: Jen Lilley, Brant Daugherty, Lindsay Wagner

Yes! I love this one. But why stop there? You could replace all of your terrible, terrible, generic titles with fun ones like A Christmas Carl, Vanilla Ice Ice Skating Towards A Holiday Miracle, The Last Noel, Mistlefoes: Holly Barley’s Quest to Ruin Christmas, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Dwayne Johnson, and finally Mary, Tyler, and More Save Christmas!

02. A Shoe Addict’s Christmas
Starring: Candace Cameron Bure, Luke Macfarlane

Look at this! This is just fun. A Shoe Addict’s Christmas has everything I want in a Hallmark Christmas film: Candace Cameron Bure, a fun title, and that’s it. Credit where credit is due, the title piqued my interest. So much so that I went to Hallmark’s website to read the film’s synopsis:

“As Christmas approaches, Noelle (Bure) is at a crossroads in her life when it seems that love, a connection with her father, and her dream career are out of reach. When she stays late at her job in a department store on a snowy Christmas Eve, she accidentally gets locked in after closing. She isn’t too concerned about the prospect of spending the night in the store… until a quirky woman appears out of nowhere in the shoe department and tells Noelle that she’s her guardian angel. Soon, Noelle finds herself revisiting Christmases past, present, and future as she must work with her new neighbor, a handsome, Christmas-loving firefighter, to plan the annual…”

Alright. That’ll do. There’s more to the synopsis, but nah. If you want to read the rest, maybe you and your handsome, Christmas-loving firefighter can work together to find it on the internet.

01. Pride, Prejudice and Mistletoe
Starring: Lacey Chabert, Brendan Penny

Yes. Love it. Let’s turn more Jane Austin novels into cable holiday films starring former Party of Five stars! I assume that’s why she became an author in the first place.

Next Christmas, Scott Wolf portrays Bobby Sense, a successful New York bigwig who has it all… or does he? Forced to travel to a small town to shut down a factory for vague reasons, he meets his match: an amateur craft enthusiast and professional rabble rouser named Sarah Sensibility (any female actress who’s appeared on iZombie). Coming in December 2019 it’s Sense and Sensibility and Christmas!

Interested in watching one of Hallmark’s new Christmas movies? A complete schedule can be found on their website or you can turn on any TV at any time, absolutely anywhere. Happy holidays!