‘Bridgerton’ Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: This Mirror Has More Than Just Two Faces

Six minutes.

That’s how much time Season 3 Episode 5 of Bridgerton spent on Colin and Penelope’s long-awaited mirror sex scene was (give or take a few seconds; I started timing things when he let her hair down and you realized that corsets and britches would soon follow), and it was “perfect,” as Pen says. Six minutes is a whole 10% of the episode. The other 90% was essentially a dramatic exposé to reveal Lady Whistledown, culminating in a chaotic final few moments in the Bridgertons’ drawing room where Cressida Cowper (Jessica Madsen) of all people, made the false claim that she is Lady Whistledown. I don’t know what was more thrilling, the sexual endurance test, or the fact that no one seemed to believe Cressida’s big reveal and any goodwill she’s earned from us this season has resulted in… this. (Look, Cressida is desperate, not to marry a corpse, I get it.)

If Colin’s proposal surprised Penelope in the previous episode, imagine how surprising it was to the rest of their families when they learned about it. The episode begins in a kind of fever dream, with Colin’s voice announcing – in slow motion – “Weee arrrre engaaaaaged,” as he and Pen enter Bridgerton House. Violet Bridgerton and Hyacinth and Gregory embrace the news warmly, but Eloise, who had shown some signs that she was warming back up to Penelope, goes full ice queen mean girl.

Despite the fact that Eloise and Penelope were best friends up until Penelope’s reveal that she is Whistledown, it seems crazy to remember that Penelope never told Eloise she had feelings for Colin. It’s that fact – yet another secret that Pen kept from her – that makes Eloise so furious about the news of the engagement. Eloise cruelly tells Pen that “until he knows the real you, he cannot possibly love you,” which makes Penelope promise that one day soon, she’ll reveal to Colin her secret identity. But first, Penelope writes a new Whistledown letter revealing her engagement for all to read about.

That’s how Portia Featherington finds out that her youngest daughter is now betrothed to Colin, and not to the vegetarian Lord Debling, and despite the Bridgerton’s wealth and status, Portia assumes Penelope schemed to “entrap” Colin and that he couldn’t possibly be in love with her. As good timing would have it, Colin walks in on Portia’s cruelty and declares his love for Penelope, and whisks her away in order to show her the new home he’s setting up for them. This is, of course, the setting for their sweet lovemaking, as tender and gentle and orgasmic as it can be while half reclining on a chaise. After they have sex, Penelope tries to find the right moment to reveal that she’s Whistledown, but she’s interrupted. Which is good, because soon, that’s going to become a Whole Thing.

Also in Whistledown’s newsletter is an accusation that Queen Charlotte (Golda Rosheuvel) really don’t know how to pick ’em. With Francesca Bridgerton choosing John Stirling over the Queen’s choice for her, Lord Samadani, the Queen is affronted when Whistledown suggests she’s lost her touch. Full of vengeance, she writes a decree stating that any person who can reveal Whistledown’s true identity will win a £5000 reward, because nothing lights a fire under old timey folks like a witch hunt. This is the Whole Thing I was referring to.

One piece of information that isn’t in the latest newsletter is the fact that Anthony and Kate Bridgerton are expecting a baby. With so many other announcements being made, Anthony and Kate are trying not to step on anyone else’s big moment, but they’re growing increasingly frustrated because it seems like every day, someone has news and it’s like, can’t a couple just announce that all their boning paid off?

Cressida is also growing frustrated with her whole life because it’s going to shit. Her parents, desperate for her to marry well, have set her up to marry a Lord Greer, a man who is easily thrice her own age. Greer’s so old his social security number is 1. Greer’s so old his birth certificate says “expired.” Greer’s so old, he thinks that modern art is vulgar and socializing is a weakness, thus dooming any future bride to a life of unhappiness, but the Cowper’s are willing to forsake Cressida’s whole existence for financial stability.

In the final moments of the episode, as the Bridgertons host a party to celebrate Colin and Pen’s engagement, a party that’s filled with incredibly awkward toasts and a game of charades that, despite the crowded room full of people, only Pen and Eloise are playing. The game becomes a tête-à-tête between the two (look, I myself have dominated games of Trivial Pursuit to the point where no one else is having fun, this dynamic rings very true to me), but it’s a symbolic moment that signifies just how alike and well-matched they are as they battle wits. As they play the game though, the clock is running out, as Eloise has given Pen an ultimatum: tell Colin that she’s Whistledown before the clock strikes midnight, or Eloise will do it for her.

As the clock ticks down. the minutes, Penelope becomes sick at the thought of revealing her identity to Colin and ruining their relationship. Meanwhile, Cressida has a plan of her own: she wants to find out Whistledown’d identity to reap the Queen’s reward money so she can move to Vienna and avoid marrying Lord Greer. Eloise scoffs at this, only because she knows Cressida will not be able to figure out that it’s Pen, but Cressia takes Eloise’s scoffing personally, suggesting that Eloise thinks she’s not smart enough to figure out Whistledown’s identity. So Cressida does the next best thing: she claims she herself is Whistledown. “I have an announcement,” Cressida declares to the ton. “You would like to know who Lady Whistledown is, you shall know… I am she.”

“Surely you jest,” Portia Featherington tells her while the rest of the room looks on in bewilderment. At this exact moment, Kate and Anthony, who also planned to share their pregnancy announcement, are unable to speak, trumped by Cressida’s reveal. But then And then Penelope Featherington pulls out the biggest trump card by passing out. As the crowd mobs Pen to make sure she’s okay, the fake Lady Whistledown sips her champagne in the corner. Alone.

Bonus Bridgertons:

• Portia Featherington received a new letter from the lawyer, Walter Dundas, the man who was investigating the Featherington’s line of succession, because that’s still something we’re worrying about. With one (or both) of her daughter’s pregnancies take care of this problem, or…?
• Honestly, color me charmed by John Stirling’s muddy boots story. Francesca certainly seems to be, too.

Liz Kocan is a pop culture writer living in Massachusetts. Her biggest claim to fame is the time she won on the game show Chain Reaction.