Hit List: Jan. 6, 2011

Lady Gaga’s former assistant files lawsuit claiming she was forced to be the singer’s ”personal alarm clock”
We thought she was whining until we found out she literally had to dress in a Thierry Mugler-designed clock costume with a snooze-button hat.

Justin Bieber ranked No. 2 on list of charitable celebs
He gave nearly half his income to groups researching Bieber fever, a serious illness that affects one in three adolescent girls, and one in eight of their mothers.

Louis Vuitton files lawsuit over fake bag used in The Hangover Part II
They claim it was a cheap imitation of the original. The bag too.

Drake angry at artist who tattooed ”DRAKE” on woman’s forehead
He’s only mad because he was her second choice, after ”Young Jeezy Featuring Jay-Z & Andre 3000” wouldn’t fit.

The anonymous actress suing IMDb for revealing her age will have to put her real name on the lawsuit
But even if she does, she’ll probably subtract a couple letters.

Hugh Hefner and ex-fiancée still sparring over ownership of their pet spaniel
Hef misunderstood when, during their final fight, she told him, ”You’ll never see these puppies again!”

Alec Baldwin drops mayoral hopes, disses candidates as ”horny for their own ascension”
He prefers Hollywood, where people are horny for simpler things like sex and money.

Heidi Klum to compete on The Price Is Right
She may not ace the grocery prices, but it should be noted that she was the captain of Germany’s 1996 Olympic Plinko team.

The King’s Speech lands on list of most pirated movies of 2011
In related news, 10,000 copies of Downton Abbey ”fell off a truck” in New Jersey, and feds busted a mule trying to smuggle Dame Judi Dench past airport security.