Amit Mittelman

Understanding issues while not taking sides will take some effort. One technique I learned is letting the parties vent their grievances, in private if possible, and keeping your responses to the minimum possible, focusing on empathy. Not justifying anyone, not interpreting or making comments on the other side, just listening. You’ll be surprised by how much people share when you just let them speak. You will have plenty of time afterwards to engage in developing options, making decisions and “solving” the conflict. But first, to understand the issues, a good way to go is just listen.

I always like to devote time to figuring out the perceptional differences between the parties: the gaps in understanding or analyzing the same set of facts that everyone knows (separate from informational asymmetry). Once I have a good grasp of what they see differently, I can better address the issues. Many times the goals of the parties are not in contradiction, but rather the nerratives.

My experience teaches me that the success of a mediation process depends to a considerable extent on all parties being aligned on the basic facts and goals of the process. You can't bridge a gap when the disputing teams are trying to debate two separate arguments. So, I often dedicate the first meeting to discuss in a group setting the goals of the process and what would be considered a success. Then, in personal conversation, I dig deeper with each party into how they see the situation (facts and goals) and make sure we are all living on the same planet. You'd be surprised at how much this can be an eye-opening exercise for you and the parties.

My experience teaches me people accept leadership when it works for them. If you communicate honestly your intentions and project confidence, you can make people feel safe in the situation and cooperate with your initiative. Assertiveness doesn’t come naturally to everyone but it can be taught. Anyway, remember assertiveness is another tool in your toolbox to generate cooperation

One thing I know works universally is that no one ever got insulted by hearing”please”. While navigating towards a solution, a compromise, a separation, always remember business goes on. There’s always another day and another deal and it’s in your best interest to communicate in a pleasant manner. Be transparent, kind and patient.

There are many tools and guidelines for active listening. But for me, the key is looking for the narrative. What is the person involved telling themselves about their own behaviour in the situation. Normally people would organize a similar set of facts around a storyline that makes them, in their own eyes, ok. When we listen to two competing narratives, I recommend looking for the storyline that makes that person sleep at night and keeping it intact when coming up with a resolution or a compromise.