‘I am what I am now,’ revealed former cricketer Freddie Flintoff in the first episode of his new BBC documentary, Field of Dreams: On Tour.
He added: ‘I’m different to what I was. That’s something I’ll have to deal with for the rest of my life.’
Speaking publicly for the first time about the impact of a ‘nasty’ crash he had in 2022 while filming a Top Gear stunt, it was clear to me it must have been an unimaginable emotional trauma.
In the wake of the crash that almost killed him, he was left with anxiety so bad that he couldn’t leave his house for months, as well as facial scars from a lacerated nose, cheek and mouth.
This will be impossible to comprehend for most. But having been there myself, I know in part what must go through his mind when he looks in the mirror and has a constant reminder of the crash staring back at him.
In my case, I was actually asleep when I was in a crash in 2015 at the age of 22. I woke up in a van on the side of the road in Ghana and felt that my face had been completely cut open by glass.
At least I was blissfully unaware of what had happened. But for Freddie, seeing the terror unfold and living with the mental scars of those images is something I do not envy in the slightest.
Field of Dreams: Preston came out in 2022 with two episodes documenting Freddie’s project to create a cricket team with local kids from Preston in England. Then part-way through filming the second season, Field of Dreams: On Tour, that’s when Freddie’s crash happened.
Now, airing last week – with the second episode this week – it features footage in the immediate aftermath of the incident, with Freddie’s face in stitches and a bandage.
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‘I don’t want to sit here and feel sorry for myself and I don’t want sympathy,’ he said in one scene of the first episode of the documentary, filmed around seven months after his crash. ‘Everywhere I go at the minute, I’ve got a full face mask and glasses on. I can’t do that.’
He added: ‘I still have anxiety. I have nightmares. I have flashbacks. It’s been so hard to cope.’
The physical scars are one thing, but it sounds like the mental scars are impacting him far more significantly. A part of this might be the fact that he apparently raised concerns about his safety before his crash.
Could he be grappling with the internal conflict brought on by knowing he could have called it off, but – for whatever reason – he went ahead?
Forgiving others can be easier than forgiving ourselves.
Although my own accident was due to human error, I’ve been able to find peace and reconcile the fact that there’s nothing that I personally could have done to prevent it. I hope Freddie can get to a place like this too.
Watching Field of Dreams: On Tour, he clearly feels compelled to help others who have had a rough time in life to find a healthy path. Alongside going on a trip with the Preston cricket boys to India, the documentary explores his recovery journey – including endless hospital appointments and surgery – to feel comfortable with his appearance.
The medical trauma behind scar rehabilitation is not to be taken lightly. And for an athlete who uses their body like their instrument, seeing it shut down must feel like spinning out of control.
It’s incredibly difficult to feel like yourself when you no longer look like yourself. But personally, I think scars are cool.
I also think they’re hardly noticeable, but perhaps that’s because I see scars all day every day when working with the facial difference community through running Face Equality International, a campaign advocating for the rights of those with facial differences.
So it’s important for me to point out that the size or ‘severity’ of a disfigurement – which is a controversial word for some, but one that I personally like to reclaim to fight stigma – is not an indicator of the mental impact it has on the person. Because again, it’s not just about the outward appearance element.
I’m so glad that he’s openly sharing his struggle, and giving people with facial differences the healing representation of what it’s really like behind the scenes.
The most powerful scene of the first episode came after he shared his truth and how he’s come to terms with his new life. Responding to whether he feels ‘better’ after his crash, Freddie responded: ‘Better? No, different.’
Being exposed right now and having to show up and feel like a ‘different’ person is clearly making him feel vulnerable. But in that moment, you can see him starting to own it. I have no doubt that he will come back stronger and I’m excited to watch the second episode tonight.
After watching this episode, there’s no doubt that everyone – cricket fan or not – will adore this man for sharing his gift with the world. Not least for all of the elements of the two seasons that celebrate cultural diversity and comradery in sport, which is so unbelievably needed right now.
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His ability to see something in someone is what makes him a true coach – in every sense of the word.
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