“Martha Behind Bars”
Tomorrow night at 9 on CBS/Ch. 2
(one star)
ARE we sick of Martha yet?
Just about. If last week’s wretched premiere of “The Apprentice: Martha Stewart” on NBC isn’t enough to put a stop to her blitzkrieg of a comeback, then maybe this new TV movie will.
That’s not the intention of “Martha Behind Bars,” but it is the possible result.
When CBS commissioned this production last spring and then scheduled it for this fall, it was hoping to take advantage of all the heat surrounding Martha’s release from jail over the summer, followed by the dual debuts of her daytime talk show and her new version of “The Apprentice,” which is just like Donald Trump’s, only worse.
Those two shows, of course, are on NBC – which aired the first Martha movie, “Martha Inc.” in 2003, but is not in the Martha TV-movie business anymore now that it’s in business with Martha.
CBS, on the other hand, isn’t in business with Martha, so it certainly doesn’t mind airing a TV movie that focuses solely on the disgrace of her conviction on insider-trading charges and subsequent incarceration in a federal prison.
All that network intrigue is meaningless, however, in the face of an inescapable reality: This new TV movie, the second to star Cybill Shepherd in the title role, might turn out to be the worst TV movie of the season – and it’s the very first one too!
Filmed in Toronto, this movie looks like it was made on a budget of 10 cents. And except for Cybill – who actually does a credible job impersonating Martha – there is not a single recognizable face in its entire minimum-wage cast.
“Martha Behind Bars” tells Martha’s story beginning on Oct. 19, 1999, the day that shares in her company, Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia, began trading on the New York Stock Exchange.
After that, everything goes downhill for her as she is indicted, hounded by the media, tried, convicted and, finally, jailed.
The latter happens about an hour into this two-hour movie, which is far too long to wait since that’s the part everyone is tuning in to see.
However, if you are expecting some kind of lurid women-in-prison picture, with Martha clanging a tin cup on the bars of her cell or facing off against cellblock bullies, you can forget about it.
The most her fellow cons can do to annoy their famous new fish is to coo “it’s a good thing” in the dark after lights out.
And then, Martha saves Christmas.
I kid you not.
As the holidays approach, Martha bonds with the other residents of her dormitory (yes, dormitory – this is not Alcatraz) when the warden organizes a Christmas decorating contest.
Naturally, Martha’s dorm-mates recruit her to lead their efforts and, in the process, Martha earns their respect.
It’s not exactly “The Shawshank Redemption,” but it is a kind of redemption nonetheless.