Fashion loves to play with exaggerated shapes and styles — and sometimes these experiments lead to groundbreaking designs. Yet occasionally designers go too far, pushing ridiculous, unflattering fads that nobody, not even the hottest model or celebrity, can pull off. This spring is rife with these egregious experiments. Here are five of the season’s most confounding.
Tiny Sunglasses
Sunglasses serve two very important purposes: to protect your eyes from ultraviolet rays from the sun, and to make you look cool. Alas, these minuscule shades fail on both these counts, leaving one’s retinas exposed and making whoever sports them look like an extra on a knockoff version of “The Matrix.” In January, Kim Kardashian said that her husband (and unofficial stylist), Kanye West, sent her an email proclaiming, “You cannot wear big glasses anymore. It’s all about tiny little glasses.” Since then, other It gals like Gigi and Bella Hadid and designers such as Prada have embraced these inadequate little frames. Going blind is the new black.
Bucket Hats
The chapeau “Gilligan’s Island” made famous has gone in and out of fashion throughout the decades, reaching its apex in the late 1990s, when it was the preferred topper of dude-bros like Justin Timberlake and Kevin Federline. Now, improbably, the bucket hat is getting the haute treatment, with designers ranging from Michael Kors to Loewe to Rihanna at Fenty Puma resurrecting the much-maligned headgear on its runways. But the flat, floppy shape makes even the most serious runway model look goofy. Unless you’re an adorable grandpa going fishing or are planning a three-hour tour to the “Gilligan’s Island” set, just say no.
Biker Shorts
Athleisure has made it acceptable to wear sweatpants and leggings in public, so it was perhaps inevitable that spandex biker shorts would join their ranks. For spring, Saint Laurent showed fancy lace biker shorts worn under bubble skirts, and Dolce & Gabbana went for a black Spanx-like version. Unlike other gym fashions, however, biker shorts — tight, stumpifying and unforgiving — turn all but the slimmest gams into stuffed sausages. Even Vogue, usually breathless in its fashion coverage, couldn’t muster a nicer word for this Kardashian-approved trend than “curious.”
Dad Sneakers
We thought the mania for clunky tennis shoes reached its apex in December. But six months after Balenciaga brought back the Jerry Seinfeld shoe with its bestselling $850 “Triple S” kicks, Louis Vuitton released the “Archlight,” a $1,090 pair of clod-hopping clown sneakers that appeared on the feet of every so-called influencer at Paris Fashion Week earlier this month. Worn with everything from cropped jeans to sleek suits to couture frocks, the shoes turned every cute outfit into a joke, and drew all attention onto the wearer’s incongruously gigantic feet.
Clear Plastic Bags
The latest status move isn’t just carrying an expensive bag, but displaying your expensive bag’s expensive insides. Yes, luxury brands like Céline and Prada are peddling transparent totes — for $590 and $1,040, respectively — and Vogue calls it “spring’s most conspicuous” trend. We call it the dumbest. Retail employees were once forced to carry these clear carryalls to show they weren’t walking away with the shop’s goods. Plus, what woman wants the world seeing all the old lipstick tubes, candy wrappers, tampons and other junk stuffed into her bag? Perhaps that’s why fashionistas are using these see-through transporters to cart their quilted Chanel 2.55 purses or Birkin bags — so they can retain some of their secrets.