What does it mean if you are texted this emoji after sex?
An emoji used in a post-sex text message sparks widespread bafflement on Married At First Sight with clueless producers left no choice but to desperately recruit a Zoomer as the show’s new expert to decipher its hidden meaning.
Speculation explodes at Wednesday’s dinner party about the cyber hieroglyph, with the group tossing up two translations: the husband is about to dump his wife. Or someone let one rip.
In strategic Channel 9 cross-promotion, Liz Hayes will be reporting an in-depth investigation this Sunday on 60 Minutes.
Ridge, the world’s oldest toddler, waddles into the cocktail party and shares some news.
“Jack had sex with Tori yesterday morning and messaged me straight away — because we’re boys like that,” he babbles away to the others, before the alleged fornicators arrive.
His wife Jade notes the finer nuances of the sex text.
“You know what he texted Ridge?” she tells the group with a scrunched face. “The wind emoji.”
Huh. Not what we were expecting. Our minds went immediately to the fruit and veg section of the emoji catalogue.
“When Jack messaged me, he sent the wind emoji and I wasn’t too sure what it meant,” Ridge says.
What exactly does the wind emoji mean in this specific context? Everyone’s confused. More confused than when Lucinda tells them about how every surface in Timothy’s apartment is sticky. They all stop and take a second to ponder the image of a cartoon-style gust of air.
“What does that mean?” Sara whispers.
Lauren, fresh from blood clot surgery, arrives just in time to add to the speculation while consuming sparkling wine through an IV drip.
“It means ghost!” she declares, concluding Jack is about to pull a runner on Tori. “It was a smoke bomb emoji — like, I’m outta here.”
Then she lets out a gasp and clutches her chest. One more theory has entered her mind. It’s far more potent than Jack dumping Tori.
“It means a fart,” she says.
This leads to the next hypothesis: Jack and Tori’s romp is all hot air. They had fake sex. Dun dun dunnn!
Right on cue, the fake fornicators stroll in. When asked about their night of passion, they describe it with all the giddy playfulness of census night.
“We had sex, it was great,” Tori dismisses with an eye roll.
The chemistry is electric between the two lovers:
The rest of the freaks glance at each other suspiciously. They pick up their wine glasses and begin the attack.
“I kinda feel like they’re lying,” Lauren raises an eyebrow.
“I’ve got a lot of love for Tori,” Jack says, stone-faced and emotionless.
Lauren scoffs. “I say that about my goddam chiropractor.”
Jack shares the plans he and Tori have put in place for their lives outside the experiment.
“I said maybe three or four months into next year, I’d be ready for ya — I’ve got a room for ya.”
This only raises more questions.
“Like … a housemate?” Lauren squints. “He’s literally gonna put her in a spare room and charge her rent and he’s gonna run into the Gold Coast sunset with his nipples hanging out!”
Timothy decides he wants to jump in on the drama and circle back to the original topic of conversation: fake sex.
“Have you made up the sleeping together thing to take the heat off?” he accuses.
Before anyone can ask what the hell the post-sex wind emoji means, Tori snaps.
“You can’t tell me how I feel!” she screams.
Glancing around the table at all the people questioning her, she realises she hates them all.
“No one at this table is someone I want to spend time with after this experiment,” she says. “None of you. None.”
She’s going to erase them all from her brain once the credits roll on the finale. We plan to do the same.
Meanwhile, Eden has another panic attack. She starts hyperventilating at the thought of her husband Jayden blabbing more of her secrets. She quietly leaves the party and he follows.
They don’t tell the others. They just blow outta there and txt everyone the wind emoji.
