My teenage son asked me to dress more modestly because his friends think I’m hot
It seems when you become a mum, your every decision revolves around your child- well, that’s for me, anyway.
And deciding what to wear always takes into account what my daughter will be doing that day.
Playdate at the park? Will swap sandals for sneakers.
Bolognese for lunch? Goodbye, white jeans.
No matter my best efforts, though, my clothes are never free from a snotty nose here or muddy handprint there, and Napisan has become my new BFF.
I’m sure I’ll be a little braver about what I wear as my daughter gets older, but for one mum, it seems even her teen son is impacting the clothes she wears.
“I’m facing a bit of a dilemma”
Taking to a parenting forum one mum is in search of answers after her son asked her to basically change the way she dresses.
“I’m facing a bit of a dilemma and could really use some advice,” she wrote.
“My teenage (12, going on 13) son has been urging me to stop wearing makeup and dress in a more “frumpy” way because he finds it embarrassing that his friends think I’m attractive.
“I want to respect his feelings, but at the same time, I don’t want to compromise my own sense of self,” she added.
She revealed she doesn’t think she dresses in a particular way, “I dress conservatively and simply put myself together every day. I don’t wear anything too flashy or revealing, but I do like to enhance my features with makeup.”
After trying to have “an open and understanding conversation” with her son and acknowledging that his feelings are valid, she’s struggling to navigate her self-identity with her son’s requests: “This is who I am and how I choose to present myself.”
Despite her best efforts, her son still wasn’t comfortable with his mum’s outfit choices.
“He seems to be struggling with the comments his friends make about me, and he wants me to change my appearance to avoid any further embarrassment.”
“It’s not my fault”
The mum went on to say she and her son are at a crossroads, “I’ve told him that it’s not my fault if his friends make inappropriate remarks and that he shouldn’t feel ashamed because of their actions.”
She added, “He’s finding it hard to ignore their comments and feels pressured to conform to their expectations.”
She ended the post seeking advice from the forum, “How can I help my son understand that he shouldn’t be embarrassed by other people’s perceptions of me? And how can I encourage him to be confident in himself and not let external opinions dictate his feelings?”
A golden opportunity
The post, which has close to 200 comments since it was posted on Wednesday, offers advice spanning from lessons in sexism to navigating tough conversations.
“Okay. So here’s the thing. This isn’t about you. This is about him. This is a GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY for him to stand up to his friends and ask them to stop being di**heads,” one wrote.
“This is the main conflict of being a teenager – finding yourself, your beliefs, and your voice.” they added.
Another said, “Honestly, if you take his advice and start changing your appearance, it’s just gonna set the tone for him that women dress for the male gaze.”
They then warned, “The last thing you want in the future is for your son to start telling his future girlfriend to stop wearing skirts and makeup because his friends are saying something.”
And another suggested, “You gotta teach him that men and boys have no say in how women and girls dress.”
Missing the point
However one commenter pulled others up on missing the point completely, “I think a lot of people are framing this incorrectly and telling you to teach your son about a woman’s perspective. This is an important thing to teach, but your son is also struggling with how to navigate his friends sexualising his mother [and] this needs to be addressed first.
“He will not learn when he is highly stressed and will struggle to find room for empathy.
“Primarily, he needs help with understanding his feelings and processing them. Your son might feel embarrassed, he might feel he is protecting you or might feel upset that his mother is being talked about in a way that makes him uncomfortable.
“Find out his actual feelings and let him know it’s normal to feel uncomfortable, and he can leave any conversation, even with his friends.”
A teaching opportunity?
While the mum has a difficult challenge ahead, she can use this as an opportunity to perhaps chat with her son about seeking professional help.
Equipping him with the tools he needs when hearing comments from his friends may enable him to look at the behavior of his friends as the problem, not his mum.