April b’days in full bloom
Yesterday, April 24 — a high-class day.
Astrological charts say if born January your birthstone’s an inexpensive garnet — a stone that doesn’t always thrill a Staten Island pawnbroker. June it’s some alexandrite something that rarely excites a crooked fence dealer. August? Peridot. Which if it falls off a truck — I mean, please.
However, Taureans born in April don’t kid around. Our birthstone’s diamond. So looking to send anyone some junko rhinestone — shove it.
Brethren and sistren who came to life this particular day include Kelly Clarkson, Cedric the Entertainer, Barbra Streisand, Djimon Hounsou, Eric Bogosian, Shirley MacLaine — and me.
1184 B.C. this famous day the Greeks entered Troy with that Trojan horse. 1800 the Library of Congress opened. (May books by Adam Bull Schiff or that drag Bragg be permanently refused.)
1990 came the Hubble Space telescope, which is still looking for Biden’s medulla oblongata — last seen in his basement.
And this month’s headliners? Menendez. Who we read had stashed cash due to shrewd financial planning, checking the stock market daily or maybe never picking up a check.
Plus, although this wasn’t printed, word is this week lawyer Michael Cohen had some bad luck. He bought a new rowing machine — and it leaked.
Also. I dreamt today about Hunter bursting through a door shouting at Santa’s reindeer: “Donner! Blitzen! I said the next stop is the Schmidt house!”
April 1930. Year of recovery from the Great Depression: New York City had five major newspaper dailies then.
And: a gallon of gas — 10 cents. Coffee — a nickel. Buying new car — $600. New house — $3,900. Renting new house — $18 a month. But you save on food since bread was only 10 cents.
Dinner today in a nice restaurant could cost you another nice $500 per person. And for a cheapo, that doesn’t include drinks, tax, tips, coat check, parking. Or gas for the car.
High-class shmatta for a wedding then? $20 bucks. Today costs more just to phone your divorce lawyer.
The late Eva Gabor married five times. Once in April. Her mother — whose autobio I was then writing — asked me to mention the big cross Eva was wearing around her neck for the ceremony.
I said, “But Jolie, you’re all Jewish.” And Mama Jolie said: “Yes, but for this marriage you say we’re Catholic.”
Neither Eva’s marriage nor her religion lasted.
But cheer up. April’s a great month for films. To splurge on a movie it’ll cost $45 Monday to Friday. Tuesdays it’s cheaper — but you then save on the bag of half-filled popcorn for only $9.
And although the entire nation wasn’t invited to celebrate, may our whole country come together — all-as-one, everyone united — to bless Biden on his most recent birthday.
Rumor is that after his speech which was “Is my fly open?” and told “No,” he replied, “Well, it should be. I’m peeing.”
And not only in Washington, DC, kids, not only in Washington, DC.
Thanks everyone for your birthday wishes. But — even if Ian Mohr of ratty Page Six swears that he knows I signed my marriage license in crayon — it’s a lie.