Well quipped for this gig
I thought with all the fires, explosions, stabbings, pickets, robberies and miseries — also hate and election babbles — maybe you’d like a quickie opportunity to smile a little. So:
Starting 1892, Ellis Island’s processed millions of the impoverished who arrive starved, in rags, torn sweaters and work shoes. They were then immigrants. Today, they’re fashion statements.
Sign on a bank’s ATM: “Change is inevitable. Except from vending machines.”
Obama’s theme song: “Hark, the Herald Angels Sing” — about me.
To welcome their new news show, CBS plans a quiet intimate fall time get-together. Only inviting those who want to watch it — both of them.
To lure passengers, more planes will now add an air marshal. Also, they’ll stop serving meals.
The Taliban’s made it illegal to speak English. The good news: Sylvester Stallone movies in Afghanistan are up 600%.
Two bit town
After using the new slenderizing drug Ozempic, this skeleton said to the bartender: “Give me a Bloody Mary — and a mop.”
The world’s tallest housekeeper? Wilt Chambermaid.
Last words from Biden: “What wine goes with gall bladder?”
Now being divorced from Cardi B, Offset was asked, “How do you find sheep in New Zealand?” and he answered: “Very attractive.”
If dating, open his bottle of Listerine and watch if a white flag comes out.
Guys: Forget marriage. Just find someone you hate and buy her a house.
Female in DC: “I love this man. He’s an activist. Wherever there’s poverty, social injustice or a benefit where you can grab a free chicken dinner — you’ll find him.”
The mayor’s cutting down on crime. He’s taking cops off the street.
Exciting? I mean, please, “We go out and he paints the town beige.”
A Democrat just merged a shirt company with an aluminum siding firm — his new product is called Shirt on a Shingle.
A TV anchor was having a few people over. Just a few friends and his immediate hairpieces.
How many White House aides does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: None. They like to keep Biden in the dark.
Flying on the Hooters airline. The stewardess leans over and asks “Coffee, tea — or these?”
Labor Day’s coming. It’s outdoors time. Find a sleeping wino and roast marshmallows over his breath.
It’s all a setup
Show me a man who can rise to CEO in only six weeks — and I’ll show you a son-in-law.
End of summer? Ask a forest ranger for permission to marry a beaver.
Don’t knock him. He’s very talented. One of the few I know who can play “Lady of Spain” on his truss.
Bed-Stuy. Every block has its own coroner.
At one point, Krispy Kreme doughnut earnings shot up 55%. It was due to a strong economy, an improved management team — and locating all new Krispy Kreme stores next to a police station.
On that historic night, electricity was furthest from Benjamin Franklin’s mind. He was putting the moves on his wife and she said, “Go fly a kite.” The rest is history.
So, in New York anyway, no doctor makes a house call — unless it’s to foreclose on the mortgage.